i could never find the answer
nor get the slightest hint
of why you made my heart run
like it's broken to a sprint.
i could never find the meaning
between the lines you gave to me,
and it was due time i wondered
if your heart was in the same sea.
you brought my hopes to the tips of their toes
then shoved them rudely to their knees,
and i hoped you never meant it
and that you never heard my pleas.
why was i so adamant
on being cared by the careless,
by someone who could make me
grin, weep, and leave my lungs airless.
i want to ask why
you never returned the things i threw,
from my black point pen,
to the love i shared with you.
and the months you kept me waiting
when i hoped you would soon see,
that the one who's changing skins and smiles
could be nobody but me.
but no matter the laugh i put on that day
or the shade of red i wore,
you never seemed to see past
your head's unending war.
every time you never saw me,
my head swirled with "try harder!"
and i would, for the sake of being seen
by someone whose heart wears armour.
and i tried, and i tried,
and i tried again some more,
hoped that you would see me
and pick me up from the floor.
but you closed your eyes then wondered
why nobody wants to love you,
when i spent my dignity trying
just so you can cry at what i'm put through.
my eyes no longer wished
to become subject to your fears,
to feel and sob and weep for you
was to waste precious tears.
and i wish i can say
i left without leaving a storm,
but it shattered my heart when i realised
you were no longer keeping me warm.
why must i wait
for blind boys to love me,
sit for months and hope
that their heart would grow a body.
junie