DIVING IN, I feel the water absorb my fingers, up my arms all the way to my toes until I'm fully submerged. I turn into a breast stroke as I swim to the other end of the pool.
Hanes has gone to another one of his "meetings". When I asked what it was for, he simply replied with "for work".
After last night's argument, I've shared few words with him. He laid snuggled up close to me last night while I laid as far to one side of the bed as I could. Laying in his arms felt like I was being suffocated. I want my own bed, I want to be away from him.
Since I'm alone again at the hotel today, I decided I'd take time to myself to get back to swimming. It's the one thing I can do alone, the one place where I feel like I can get away. No one is here. No one at a hotel like this comes for a swim. Under the water, it feels like I am the only person in the world.
I have to decide today whether I'm going to stay with Hanes and be taken care of while staying off of the streets or if I'm going to try to go back to the way things were; only I'll stay away from men like Austin and try my luck at getting a job while being homeless. For a moment, I was beginning to think that maybe I had gotten lucky, but now, I know I've only been trapped with another compulsive man who thinks of me as just another thing they can buy.
After a few laps, I get out and go dry off before sitting on one of the chairs with my towel around my waist. Speak of the devil, I have a new text from Hanes.
Hanes: dinner is at 6, I'll be there by 5:30 to pick you up. Be ready.
The demanding tone of his text does not intrigue me but maybe this is a good way to break it to him that I'm leaving.
Hanes: I promise I'll make tonight nice for you to make up for yesterday.
Hanes: I'm sorry
Sorry? Wow, that's bold for him. It doesn't change what happened but it's nice regardless.
I collect my things and head up to the room considering it's nearly 5 already and he wants me to be ready for 5:30.
ALL DONE up and waiting for Hanes, I sit on the bed, trying to piece together how I'll let him down tonight. I have to be smart about this. I don't think he'll keep me here if I want to go, but I know he'll put up a fight regardless. I want this to go as smoothly as possible.
The door opens and behind it comes Hanes all done up in a suit. His one hand carries a bouquet of roses and, for once, he's not on his phone. In fact, his phone is nowhere in sight.
"Hey, dandelion... listen, I felt bad about last night and I wanted to use tonight to make it up to you."
His demanding texts certainly did not allude to the idea that tonight was about what I wanted but sure, I'll bite. Besides, those roses are beautiful. I'm a sucker for flowers.
"Here, I bought these at a stand downtown. I thought you might like them." He hands the bouquet to me.
Their perfume-like scent is shockingly strong. I love the smell of roses; they remind me of my parents. At every occasion, my dad would bring a bouquet of red roses home to my mother. She loved them to death — literally, until they died.
"I love them... thank you."
I feel guilty about wanting to leave. I know I shouldn't. I mean, he gives no explanation of his life outside of here. I can't trust him. Still, between living here and on the streets, here seems better. I hate that I'm convincing myself to stay. I need to go. I need to be on my own again. Strangely, I feel that it's safer that way.
"Are you-um, ready to go to dinner?" He questions, rocking back onto his heels in anticipation.
I guess I am. I need time to think this over one last time. Once I back out, there's no turning back. I can't leave him and come back pleading. I won't. So, if I leave, I'm gone.
I nod. "Yeah,"
"Alright," he grins, "right this way, love."
He opens up the door and presents his arm out to show me the way. I pass by him and thank him for holding the door for me.
I have to remember that this is just his trick. He's nasty until he feels me slipping and then he plays nice again. I have to break the cycle. I'm leaving him tonight.