Cas spent most of the next few days either lying or sitting as still as possible. Dean took some time off work to keep a watchful eye on Cas, making sure he took his painkillers on time, and bringing him ice to keep the swelling down.
He couldn't think about much more than the pain he was in, and attempted to sleep off as much as he could.
When he wasn't sleeping, or holding an ice pack to his face, Cas was stealing glances at Dean.
It was true, he wasn't unpleasant to look at, but what was it that made Cas squirm in his seat? Was it the way Dean looked at him, or the way he carefully reclined the chair for Cas, so that it didn't bump when he put his feet up? Or perhaps the soft way Dean's fingers trailed across Cas's hand, and gently brushed the hair on the side of his head? He couldn't figure it out, and painting didn't help much, when he had recovered enough to do it.
When Dean went back to work, Jess started coming over more often, mostly to get foot rubs and ice cream from Cas, but also to gossip and help him with his paintings.
'... So of course I told Sam that he can't let that bitch tell him what to do, he's the best damn lawyer in that place,' she was saying to Cas between bites of the sandwich he'd made her for lunch. 'I just don't understand why he lets her get away with it.'
'Sam doesn't like to cause trouble,' Cas said distractedly, frowning at his painting.
Jess looked between Cas and the disorganised painting of a flock of seagulls. 'All right, spill it. What's on your mind?'
Cas sighed. 'It's... Dean.'
'What about him?'
Cas considered the answer. Since the incident, Dean had been keeping a respectful distance. He tried to stay in bed with Cas, but on the nights it became too much for him, he would tiptoe off to the couch. He woke Cas up almost every time he did this, but Cas pretended to be asleep until he heard Dean's soft snores from the other room, and crept in after him, curling up in his chair next to the couch with Hoagie.
'Nothing, I've just been... thinking about him,' Cas said finally.
'In what way?'
Cas didn't say anything, just pressing his lips together.
'Oh, in that way.'
Cas groaned and gave up on his painting.
'What's holding you back?' Jess asked.
'What do you mean?'
'Why don't you just...?' She trailed off with a meaningful quirk of an eyebrow.
' Jess!'
'Well why not? You are married.'
'Yes, but I don't remember any of that.'
'So? Do it anyway.'
'It's more complicated than that, Jess,' Cas complained. 'What if it goes away? I can't hurt Dean like that.'
'Why does it have to be that deep, though?' Jess asked. 'He wants you, you want him, it doesn't have to be a big deal.'
Cas rolled his eyes.
'I'm just saying, it's been a while for both of you.'
Cas just sighed again.
'Maybe you should talk to Dean about this.'
'I don't know...'
'Listen, you gotta get over this being embarrassed thing. You guys have been married like ten years-'
'Twelve.'
'Twelve years, and I'm willing to bet that Dean has seen and touched every little part of you.'
'It's not that little,' Cas muttered.
'Yeah, I know.'
Cas looked at Jess incredulously, and she laughed, patting him on the shoulder.
'Dean's not good at secrets, I'm afraid. Sam's a little better, but not with me.'
'Ugh.'
'Dean's probably up for it anyway, judging by how often he goes to the bathroom these days.'
'That's not the point.'
Just then, the side door opened, and they could hear Dean taking off his shoes and throwing down his keys.
'Please don't tell him,' Cas hissed.
'But-'
'Please, please don't.'
Dean came through to the dining room. 'Jess, you're here! Again.'
'Yep.'
Dean looked between Jess's too pleasant smile, and Cas's nervous expression. 'What are you guys talking about?' he asked suspiciously.
'Nothing,' said Jess. 'Just that Cas wants to draw a sexy picture of you.'
Cas slapped a hand to his forehead.
'You know, like in Titanic.'
Dean scrunched up his face. He didn't speak for a moment, then raised a finger. 'Neither of you are funny, y'all know that, right?'
Jess sniggered, and reached over to pat Dean on the arm. 'Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.'
' Someone woke up on the couch this morning,' Dean grumbled.
All three of them fell silent.
'All right, I'm gonna go,' Jess said, awkwardly getting to her feet. 'See you tomorrow?'
'Sure,' Cas smiled.
Dean stood with his arms folded, pouting until Jess left. 'So... hanging out with Jess again?' he said once he was sure Jess was gone.
'Shouldn't I?' Cas asked, confused.
Dean shrugged moodily.
Cad frowned and leaned back in his chair. 'Are you going to sit down and tell me what's wrong?'
Dean grumbled, but sat down.
'Well?'
Dean glowered at Cas's painting, and Cas followed his gaze.
'Are you... jealous of Jess? Because she paints with me?'
Dean still didn't say anything.
'Dean, you can paint with me anytime you want, you know that,' Cas said, reaching across the table, but Dean didn't take his hand.
Dean shook his head. 'You're different with her,' he said, biting his lip.
'What do you mean?'
'You're... you talk more, you're more relaxed...'
'I see,' Cas said softly. He took a deep breath. 'She talks to me like I'm normal,' he explained. 'Sometimes it's nice to pretend that nothing is wrong with me.'
Dean's face softened. 'Oh.' He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. 'I wish - I wish I could-'
'Don't,' Cas said, seizing Dean's hand. 'That's not what I need from you. You're perfect. You take care of me, you make sure I've got everything I need, and you keep me grounded. Jess is great for a conversation, but without all those other things...'
'I guess.' Dean sighed and looked at Cas. 'You don't really want to Titanic me, do you?'
'I don't know what that means.'
'You - what?'
'What's Titanic?'
' Wow, I know what we're doing tonight,' Dean chuckled.
Cas shuffled closer, and leaned his forehead against Dean's. 'Are you okay?' he whispered.
'Yeah.'
'Do you need anything?'
Dean moved, slightly catching Cas's nose with his own. 'No,' he said eventually. 'I'm sorry I got weird.'
Cas merely shook his head. He was close enough to hear the slight hitch in Dean's breathing, and lingered for a moment, before pulling away.
Dean sighed quietly, but set about making dinner.
They watched Titanic that night, tucked under a blanket on the couch. Cas couldn't fail to notice how comfortable he was leaning against Dean's chest.
Dean fell asleep half way through, but Cas was enthralled by the movie, hanging on every moment, right up until the end. Instead of waking Dean up, Cas just went to sleep himself right on the couch.
Cas distracted himself with the spring flowers that were blooming in the garden, and planting more where he felt like it.
On a particularly warm Saturday, Cas was digging out weeds, diligently neatening the border between the lawn and the flowerbeds.
Dean came out of the house carrying a couple glasses of lemonade. He grinned at Cas and passed him one.
'Thank you,' said Cas.
'How's it going out here?' Dean asked, looking around.
'I've almost finished trimming these rose bushes,' Cas told him, 'but the lawn looks like it needs mowing, what do you think?'
'I'll get right on it,' Dean smiled.
Dean looked up at the cherry tree nearby, and something about the way the sun caught his eyes stirred something in Cas. He gasped and dropped his glass of lemonade.
'Cas!'
Cas stared at Dean, his heart racing. 'Your eyes,' Cas mumbled, pressing a hand to his chest.
'What?'
'That's my favourite color.' Cas didn't move, staring at Dean. 'I was wearing my coat the first time you told me you loved me.'
Dean didn't say anything, stunned.
'I remember... I said it back, and then... and then... you - you made fun of me for wearing a crappy coat in the cold.'
Dean let out a short, amazed laugh.
'That's why you keep it, isn't it?'
Dean nodded.
Cas didn't notice he was shivering until Dean's arms were around him. 'I'm sorry about the glass.'
'It's all right,' Dean murmured. 'Let's go inside and get you something to eat.'
Cas nodded and allowed Dean to pull him back up to the dining room and make him a grilled cheese. He chewed it slowly, thinking hard. He took a deep breath and looked Dean in the eye, his decision made. 'Dean, I want to look at our wedding photos.'
Dean choked on his sandwich. 'You want to what?'
'I want to see them.'
Dean gave him a doubtful look. 'I don't know if that's a good idea.'
'I'm not worried about remembering it anymore. I just want to see them.'
A smile spread slowly over Dean's face. 'All right,' he said, getting up from the table. 'I'll make us some coffee.'
'No, I'll get it.'
Dean smiled again, and disappeared off to the spare room, while Cas made coffee. He returned with the little white album, and sat at the table with it.
Cas put down their mugs of coffee, and pulled his chair closer to Dean's. He hesitated with his hand on the cover.
'You don't have to do this,' Dean said kindly
'I want to. I want to see.' Cas opened the album to the first page, and found the first picture was of a large bouquet of white roses and pink peonies.
'You put those together yourself,' Dean told him. 'You were real proud of 'em.'
Cas nodded.
'We decided not to have the little guys on the cake,' Dean said as they came across a picture of their wedding cake. 'Well, you decided. I thought it would be funny, but you and Sam overruled me.'
They flipped through more of the pages, with pictures of some of the guests, including Jody and Alex, and Jess.
There were also photos of the two of them getting ready. Cas particularly enjoyed a picture of Dean carefully running a comb through his hair in the mirror, his mouth slightly open in concentration.
In a couple of the pictures of Cas, Gabriel was there, helping him with his waistcoat and tie.
'That stupid blue tie,' Dean chuckled fondly.
Cas ran a finger over one of the pictures, hit by a pang of emotion at Gabriel's face.
'It was just a small ceremony and reception,' Dean said as they continued. 'We don't have a lot of people we wanted to invite.'
Cas scrutinised the pictures of the ceremony, especially the ones of them kissing. 'We look so happy,' he said.
'We were,' said Dean.
There were more pictures of the reception. One of Sam giving his best man speech, holding his glass in the air, and Dean sitting behind him with tears in his eyes. Then another of Gabriel giving his, and Cas hiding his face in embarrassment.
Dean laughed. 'Man, if there was ever a photo that represented your relationship with Gabriel, it's this one.'
'What was he saying?'
'He was telling us about your first boyfriend.'
Cas blinked. 'My first boyfriend.'
'Yeah, you know I wasn't actually your first.'
'Right.'
'Actually, this is Gabriel telling us about how he walked in on you, uh, during your first time.'
'Oh wow, that's embarrassing.'
'Yeah, I believe some of the exact words he used were "butt ass naked".'
'At least one of those words is redundant.'
'That's what you said then, too.'
'Of course. Poor grammar is worse than the story, in my opinion.'
Cas continued flipping through the album, past photos of their reception dinner, then he came across some of them in a familiar place.
'We threw a party for the village on the green,' said Dean. 'We didn't want to invite everybody to the wedding, but we wanted to celebrate with them anyway.'
Cas smiled at the photos of everyone dancing and smiling.
'Yeah, they all pretty much adore you,' Dean grinned.
Cas turned to face Dean. 'I don't think it's just me they like.'
'Are you kidding? You're like the perfect neighbour. You're hot, you have medical training, and you're gay, so you're not gonna steal anyone's wife.'
Cas laughed, and gently slapped Dean's shoulder. 'Come on, Dean, don't think I don't know who gives them secret discounts when they need their cars repaired.'
Dean smirked, and drained the rest of his coffee.
The last picture was just of the two of them. Their backs were to the camera, and their arms were wrapped around each other, Cas's head leaning on Dean's shoulder.
Dean sighed, a faraway look in his eyes. 'It was a good day.'
'Thank you for looking at these with me.'
'Sure. You want a refill?'
'Please.' While he was waiting for Dean, Cas flipped through the photos again, pausing on the ones that had Gabriel in them.
'How you feeling?' Dean asked, placing their mugs down.
'Good,' said Cas. 'I won't lie, I am a little disappointed that I don't remember, but it's okay.'
'It is,' Dean smiled.
'Do we have more pictures of Gabriel?'
'Sure, I'll get 'em.'
Cas reached under the table to scratch Hoagie behind the ears.
Dean came back with a few of their older-looking albums. He sat with Cas and gave as much context as he could. The sun began to go down, and Dean left Cas at the table while he got started on dinner.
Cas was restless after they ate, so he pulled out another canvas and began to paint. Dean sat quietly at the table, alternating between reading comics and playing games on his phone.
Cas wasn't sure what he was painting, but for some reason it felt like Gabriel. It started off with dry sands, a few rocks here and there, and sparse plant life but for a few short cacti. He began painting the sky. He made it dark. It felt right that it was night time, and as he carefully painted in the constellations, the subject of the painting came to him. Tears ran down his cheeks, but he didn't want to stop until it was finished.
It wasn't until Cas finally sniffed and let out a sob that Dean noticed he was crying.
'Hey,' Dean said, putting down his phone. 'What is it?' He moved over to put his arm around Cas's shoulder.
'This is... this is where I scattered Gabriel,' Cas stammered.
'Oh.'
'I remember.' It was painful, as though he was losing Gabriel all over again, but it was a relief too.
'What are you feeling right now?' Dean asked.
'I'm sad,' Cas sniffed. 'I miss him so much, but I - I'm also happy. I'm glad I could remember this, it was important to me.'
'Yeah.'
'There are so many things I wish I could ask him.'
'I know.' Dean looked closely at the painting. 'When this is dry, do you want to hang it up?'
Cas nodded. He sat at the table with the painting for another hour or so, holding onto the memory. Finally, he sighed and got up, wordlessly taking Dean's hand and going to the bedroom.
'You wanna read for a while?' Dean asked, once they were in bed.
'Not tonight,' Cas said, shuffling down under the covers.
'Can I ask you something?' said Dean.
'Of course?'
'You remembered a couple things today, are you okay with that? It's just that you worked so hard to let go of all that.'
'I think I'm all right. I'm not upset about remembering things,' Cas said, his voice slightly muffled by the covers. 'The work I did doesn't go away because I remembered some things. It's not a step backwards.'
'If you say so.'
'Penny said this might happen. I've been improving with the memory clinics she runs. I'm not worried.'
Dean huffed. 'I'm telling ya, I'm gonna get whiplash.'
'Don't be like that, Dean,' Cas said reproachfully.
Dean rolled his eyes. 'All right, because it's you.' Dean switched off the lamp next to the bed, throwing the room into darkness. He turned his back to Cas, settling down to sleep.
Cas scooted closer to Dean and pushed his arm under Dean's, squeezing him close.
Dean made no move to push him away, so Cas fell asleep wrapped around Dean.
At first, Cas slept deeply, but then, for the first time in months, his dreams curdled. When he woke up, sweating and shaking, he couldn't remember what he'd dreamt of. He lay there, gasping for breath, with Dean stroking his hair and quietly shushing.
'I don't understand.'
'Shh, it's okay.'
Cas clenched his fists then sat up, pushing off the covers.
'What was it?' Dean asked, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.
Cas shook his head. 'I don't know.'
'Don't be upset. We all get bad dreams.'
'I know. I'm going to get some water.'
Cas sat at the table with his glass, staring out the window.
The two parts of his life still felt very separate. Before and after the accident. He mused that it was the parts of him trying to resurface that caused his nightmare. He hoped it wouldn't happen too often.
Pale pink tinged the horizon outside as Cas's thoughts turned to the accident itself. He knew the facts of it from what he read from his medical files, and though Dean gave a vague version of events, he still refused to talk about it in depth. It pained Dean, so Cas tried not to ask too much about it, but his nightmare showed him how much it still ate at him.
Dean found him a couple of hours later, still sitting at the dining room table. He sat down too and Cas grabbed his hand.
'Dean, I need to ask you something.'
'Shoot,' Dean said, still half asleep.
'Will you - will you show me where...'
'Where what?'
'I need to see where it happened. I need some context, I need something.'
'Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. What are you saying?'
'Will you take me to where we had the crash.'
Dean stared at him in disbelief. 'Please tell me I'm not hearing this at seven am on a Sunday.'
'Dean-'
'No, I'm not doing that. I'm not - how do you even know we haven't already been?'
'I know.'
Dean scrubbed his face. 'I don't want to go back there.'
'If there was anyone else I could ask, I would.'
Dean groaned and close his eyes.
'I need to see it.'
Dean's knee bounced under the table, and he shook his head. 'Is there any way of talking you out of this?'
'I don't think so.'
Cas watched Dean think without saying anything more.
'All right,' Dean said finally. 'I'll take you, but I'm not happy about it.'
'I wouldn't expect you to be.'
'Whatever. We'll go after breakfast.'
Cas waited patiently while Dean dawdled with his breakfast, spearing tiny bits of his food at a time, and slowly sipping his coffee.
Finally, Dean finished the last dregs of his drink and glanced up at Cas. 'All right, all right, stop staring at me, let's go.'
They went out to the car, Hoagie sitting happily in Cas's lap.
Dean didn't say anything for a while as they drove, until they began to approach the area.
'We came the long way round,' Dean explained. 'I was trying to convince you not to go into work.'
'Was I really that tired?'
'You'd been on call for about forty-eight hours, and then one of the other nurses called in sick so they asked you to cover.'
'And I said yes?'
'You weren't... entirely yourself still.'
'Right.'
Dean pulled the car up just before an intersection, gripping the wheel tightly. 'All right, we're here, we saw it, so can we go?'
Cas just got out of the car and Dean groaned, following him out. 'Cas, come on.'
Cas wandered out onto the crossroads, but Dean remained at the car, leaning against it with his arms folded.
It was unremarkable, the same as any other intersection. Lined with hedges and trees that swayed in the breeze. Cas looked around at the place everything had changed. It had been over a year now, so no signs of the accident still remained, no shards of glass or even a skid mark.
'Is this the way we came?' Cas asked.
'Yeah,' said Dean, resolutely staring at the ground.
'And the truck came from the right?'
'Yep.'
Cas frowned. 'Dean, there's no stop sign here.'
Dean's head snapped up. 'What?'
'There isn't one here, but there's one over there where the truck came from. Forgive me, I don't remember my highway code very well, but doesn't that mean you had the right of way?'
Dean looked from Cas to the stop sign and back, his face going blank.
Cas took a step towards him. 'This wasn't your fault, Dean.'
'But - but-'
'It was a traumatic event, perhaps you're not remembering it clearly.'
Dean sunk to the floor, head in his hands, and Cas crouched beside him.
'Are you all right?' Cas asked in concern, putting a hand on Dean's shaking shoulder.
Dean dropped his hands and looked up at the sky. Tears dripped down his face, but he was laughing breathlessly. 'I'm great,' he said.
'I knew it couldn't have been your fault,' Cas said. 'You know these roads like the back of your hand.'
Dean didn't say anything else. His laughter turned to overwhelmed sobbing, his hands on the ground, crunching the gravel between his fingers.
Cas sat down, ready to wait for as long as Dean needed.