Chapter 3: We Affect Each Other.
The load's amount of Calming Draught helped Karla to rest again. Yet she could only sleep for a couple of hours. She glanced at the clock and realized that Snape's detention was still four short arrows ahead. Karla shut her eyes again and tried to succumb to rest.
I deserve this, do I?
No. I must prepare myself!
Karla pushed herself from her bed and stepped out to her balcony, inhaled deeply the early morning breeze, and recharged herself with the solitude that the horizon gave her. No one had woken up at this hour of time. She pulled out a cigarette and it ignited as she placed it in between her lips. The wind took the tobaccos aroma and it submerged with the air. She gazed upon the sunrise and rested her eyes there.
Working at Hogwarts gave entirely different experience than attending it for her studies. Karla could savor the infinite hours spent them roaming around the area. No more curfews, she could enjoy what she wished to enjoy years ago. It fulfilled her desire to take a stroll with the early birds and allowed her to mind her own business during the night without fear of points being taken.
So far, Karla's position as the staff there gave her glimmers of new perspectives. She learned to adjust herself according to her experience as a student. She wanted them to feel comfortable when they study because she found that pressure had often made students refuse to obey school policy or be interested in subjects.
That perspective came from Karla's parents who never oppressed her. They had also taught her to be genuine to herself as an only child. After her mother Ophelia Atkins passed away when she was fourteen, Karla's father Dimas Tjahjono offered her for them to grieve together. He was a simple Indonesian muggle-man who tried his best to appreciate many things. He could accept his late wife being a witch since his whole family acknowledged the existence of the wizarding world.
It all dated back to when Dimas' father met a British wizard during the second muggle world war in a concentration camp. And they vowed to keep the magical people in secrecy since the half-blood-soldier saved Karla's grandfather's life and returned him to his family safely. He only told everything to his children, who the eldest Joeliati eventually became a shaman and got involved in helping Dumbledore in the last years of the second wizarding war against Voldemort. Joeliati met the Order of Phoenix at Dimas and Ophelia's wedding. It was then that Dumbledore took interest in Joliatie's spiritual ability, she read all of his troubles effortlessly as though she was using Legilimens.
Karla was never told about what Joeliati did during the second wizarding war, as well as Ophelia's role there since was also a member of the Order. All she knew was that her parents simply met in London and they somehow completed each other through their backgrounds and knowledge. She thought that maybe it was what a child should know rather than having her hear about the frightening war, which she didn't really understand at that time. Not to mention that she practically lived in Hogwarts most of her life instead of her own home.
Karla found herself standing in the courtyard of Hogwarts as her thoughts drifted to her parents. She missed them, yet she couldn't open up to her father about her pain. She was embarrassed to even speak about it, feared as well that her old man might end up blaming herself for being unable to protect his daughter.
After a long pause for what seemed to be doing photosynthesis, Karla opened her eyes to the morning sun and went back to her chamber. She prepared herself with enough breakfast and coffee, accompanied by the Daily Prophet. And after, she would usually take her anti-depressant then, but it seemed that she wasn't in need of it at the moment. The Calming Draught worked better.
As she was finished with shower and dressing, Karla departed to her office. But, Snape didn't reveal himself after an hour.
Is he joking?
She managed to push down her temper. The Calming Draught really helped, but she realised that she shouldn't be treated like so. Thus, she decided that she would be the one to visit him.
Appreciate, Karla! That's the key. He has his own reasons.
Karla reminded herself as she walked to his storeroom. To her dismay, he wasn't there. So, she went down to his classroom near the dungeons.
The dark and cold corridors called back the memories of how her heart pounded every time she rushed through it due to being late attending Snape's classes. She was a bit uneasy with the empty and dull atmosphere it produced, making her question how he was not suffering in this kind of air. Or maybe he did kind of enjoy it?
As she arrived there, she could see the light peaking from under the thick wooden door. Her heart pounded even more as another memory suddenly emerged. Karla remembered how she usually put herself together in the same position years ago when she was about to ask Snape regarding potions subject, which she couldn't quite understand. The experience led her to know that he was a man who disliked being disturbed.
But this time would be different. Because she was there with a more valid reason, she shouldn't need to be restless. So, she knocked.
Inside, Snape knew it was her, he sighed behind his newspaper and was thinking of not welcoming her. Until she knocked for the fourth time. His feelings about this coercion would soon be the same in the upcoming year with Dolores Umbridge.
The dark head snapped open the door whilst forcing himself to be as calm as possible when in fact she was frustrating him. Karla looked up at the man towering over her, her height only reached his hooked nose.
"Good morning, Professor!" She wished politely.
No! Why would you greet him like how you used to 10 years ago? You should be offended by his childish behaviors!
Wait, no! Maintain your patience! Remember the key! He has his reasons, woman! Be professional!
Snape didn't reply to her greetings as an angel and demon quarrel on top of Karla's shoulders. Both of them had a momentary silence whilst staring at each other.
"I'm under the impression that you're forgetting our appointment?" Karla finally continued.
"Not at all, Atkins! I was just finished getting ready." He lied, putting up what seemed to be a forced brief smile.
Karla cringed at the sight. After all the years discussing with her friends about his disability to smile, she had to be the one witnessing something that she eventually found to be awful.
Okay, I'm just overreacting. It's too sudden. This is my first time handling him as a colleague.
The counselor cleared her throat as she shook the earlier fake gesture off of her mind. She clenched the nervous feeling Snape gave her and threw it away down the cold corridor.
"Well, since I'm already here, why don't we have our session in your classroom instead? It might be more comfortable for you," Karla forced a smile as she suggested.
"Perfect!" With that, he stepped away from the entrance and gestured for her inside.
Snape then closed the door as she entered. Her gaze wandered throughout the classroom. She hadn't been down there since she was back in Hogwarts. Her colleague then pulled a chair for her in front of his desk. Karla sat and thanked him.
When they settled on their own seats, Snape leaned back and waited for her to begin.
"I will be quite honest with you, Professor, that this is my first session with a teacher here. So, I will remind you that I will be very gentle for now." Karla crossed her legs and rested her palms on top of her knee. She didn't want to gamble with the man across her.
Come to think of it, this was her chance to finally be able to observe him closely. She didn't want to ruin it. She wanted to be very careful.
"Well, that's a relief to hear. Do continue!"
Karla could sense that Snape was forcing himself to compromise. It was obvious in his dark eyes that he was thickening his walls. And it resulted in her becoming nostalgic all of a sudden, and the feeling of pitying this man emerged. She presumed that he wasn't aware that he misbehaved as a teacher.
"Alright, let's start with..." Karla paused to think briefly, then settled with "... what did you feel when you were in your position yesterday with Harry?"
For Snape, this wasn't something gentle at all! This was a huge exam that he doubted to pass. So, he looked away for a moment to look like he searched for what she asked. But he was only stalling. After a moment, the witch realised that the question was too heavy for him.
"Forgive me for not reminding you this at first, but you have the option to not answer." Karla said leaning in and exchanged her palms with her elbow to rest them upon her knee, emphasizing her words.
However, Snape felt challenged instead. But he wasn't too eager to play with his game, quotation mark. So, he fought the urge and decided to play along, feeling awkward as well to encounter Karla at that moment regarding the event in the hours prior. With having the image of her loosing control again planted in his head, he didn't want to dive into that situation once more. Until Snape thought that he should grab another Calming Draught just in case. Yet, he couldn't just stand up and leave in such an atmosphere now.
"Well, yes! I do find the question rather disturbing for the moment." He confessed primly. Karla nodded and sat straight up.
"I understand, Professor. Well then, I'd like to discuss your motives as a teacher. Including your actions towards Harry as well."
Hearing this had placed Snape in a rather disruptive composure instead. He found that Karla had led their conversation worsened as if she had framed him to go near the steps of hell rather than retreating back to earth like how she proposed kindly earlier.
"Why do you have the urge or the need to do it? I'm not referring specifically to Potter, but rather more from what I see is that you sometimes try to find excuses to bully students. But, do correct me if I'm wrong." Karla used a rather harsh language to see his reaction to it. Yet at the same time, Snape could hear her concern for him.
Part of him wanted to complain about how his school years didn't have the chance of experiencing her assistance towards students' mental approach.
"It's simple: if a student misbehaves; then they deserve to be taught a lesson," he bluntly replied, "As far as I know I don't try to find excuses. I'm merely reminding them that they need to be disciplined."
"By being despotic as a teacher yourself?" Karla questioned rhetorically, Snape was taken aback for a moment, "Why do you find... I presume you are aware that students feel pressured by you, that oppressing the children is a form of disciplining them?"
Snape took a moment to process her words. He found that Karla was obviously not on the same page with him.
"Because it can be a form of motivation for them, counselor. Such as assignment deadlines and school policy. If they choose to misbehave then there will be consequences, and consequences are an effective lesson." Snape elaborated on his motives for behavior. To his surprise, Karla smiled at him.
She started to understand and found the strings that led to his core. Meanwhile, he didn't notice Karla's way of slipping in between his barriers to find him.
"That is very good, sir. I might relate with you that experiences, results of each action we make can help us learn about lots of things. But I must confess that I'm lacking tolerance here. If the importance of students behaving is essential to you, then why the need for violence? If you want to go to Hogwarts, why the need to enter through the Forbidden Forest? But that's not the case. It's more to where you're coming from, correct? Then I assume that's where your motives were born."
Snape couldn't respond to this; he struggled to keep his face straight under tight lip as he listened to Karla. He was taken aback again. Too late for him to retreat, though. She was already in. Snape was known as an expert to shield his mind. But this time he felt that he let his guard down and he mentally scolded himself for it.
"As a teacher, you're dealing with underage students. And oppression could affect their mental health, their comfort to study as students as well—" Karla had to stop as Snape took a sharp breath for this. Her word made him uneasy. Somehow everything she said reflected on him.
"Are you questioning my valuation, Miss Atkins?" Snape's tone was restless.
There, Karla internally squirmed; she just tiptoed and found a lead. But she was caught, and she jolted backward. She held herself from continuing her evaluation of him, somewhat feeling guilty.
"I'm sorry, Professor. I will give you a pause there." She said, reclining back to her chair, a palm raised up in the means of showing no harm. The change of position made her cigarette box raise its head from inside the pocket, catching Snape's attention. The counselor noticed this after a moment as his gaze stayed there.
So, out of curiosity, Karla pulled the pack out and placed it on the table.
"Are you interested in this?" Then slid the box across the table towards him.
Snape considered her offer for a split second before he stood up. Karla's eyes followed him as he reached for a small clay pot to be an alternative for an ashtray. Her eyes glimmered, finally discovered something in common with this bitter man.
For Karla, cigarette was one of the ways to communicate amongst smokers. She discovered quite lots of them from her father's birthplace.
As Snape placed the clay pot on his desk, he took one of the cigarettes out of the box. The fire ignited by itself on the tip as he placed the rolls of tobaccos on his lips.
"May I, as well?" Karla asked for his permission. He handed the pack to her, approving. Since they were consuming it indoors, she began to have the slightest thought that maybe she would stain the Hogwarts' air with tobacco's aroma.
As the smoke started to dance around them, Snape examined the cigarette with a frown. It eased him down a bit.
"Quite interesting, your taste. What is this?" He asked with a slight tone of amusement.
When she heard it from him, it was a relief for Karla. He never did comment or took an interest in something of hers, it was quite an achievement. Even though Snape was a hard-headed teacher, she always considered him a challenge.
"Srintil... My family shared some with me. It's one of the hardest tobaccos to achieve. They need specific soil to grow in," Karla explained. She folded her free arm below her chest, then sipped her cigarette, blowing a cloud of smoke upwards, "Do you like it?"
Snape nodded imperceptibly before taking another sip. As he was relaxing, his thoughts began to drift whilst standing behind his chair. He was assimilating Karla's insight. Not for himself, but merely to satisfy his curiosity.
He was in a room with one of his former students whom he once considered to be one of his brightest. But right at that moment, he seemed confused about her presence and the event between them that took place.
When Karla graduated from Hogwarts, Snape was twenty-four years old. And now, she was four years older than he was back then, sitting in front of him, lecturing him on morals. It never attended his expectation.
"Are you alright, Professor?" Karla tried to confirm with a soothing tone. The approach seemed unfamiliar that made Snape remain silent.
He realized that for the past two years he had been underestimating her. He was a bit disappointed when she suddenly couldn't perform well in his last classes then continued to study in a muggle university. But then again, she was there, almost succeeded in grasping his core.
"Why did you attend psychology studies, Atkins?" Snape finally broke the silence. And Karla was surprised at his sudden interest, assuming that...
"I hardly think my answer will satisfy nor even surprise you, sir..."
Snape turned to her, sipping his cigarette again with another frown. Showed that he didn't care if her answer was to impress or otherwise. His silent gesture resulted in Karla swallowing. She had to look around first in uncertainty before answering.
"Well... I was so invested in how our hearts and minds are connected. Every day we live with lots of events and interactions happening around us. The environment we grew up in has a huge effect on shaping us towards our outcome. This also includes that one is able to affect the other. Such as causing traumas, feelings, or perspectives." Her hands gestured as she explained, eyes beaming with passion.
"And it interests me that you can't just blame someone or something, everyone has their own reasons. And those reasons do not justify their actions. Right for themselves maybe, but we can't expect other people to enjoy our cup of tea as well." Karla collapsed back to her chair as she finished. The burning passion earlier faded as she succumbed to reality.
Right at that moment, it was as though they were nudged by the elbow. Karla herself went uneasy with her words since she couldn't live up to her own foundation of interest in psychology. Meanwhile, Snape began to grasp her earlier meanings about his misbehavior. It affected students, just like how the Marauders affected him.
Just like Lily.
When glimpses of the late ginger head beauty flashed around Snape's head, his eyes blinked a couple of times to dismiss them. Having Lily in his head for more than a second had often dropped his mood. So, he quickly pulled himself away from that sorrowful feelings and returned to continue interacting with Karla. Unfortunately, the attempt to channel his mind between the two women wasn't that easy til it made him absentminded. He chose the first thing that came to his mind: Karla's one-year absence in Hogwarts.
Snape remembered it happened during her last term, she attended it for two months before postponing her studies to the next one all of a sudden. And when Karla returned, he encountered several meetings with her that he remembered to appear disturbing and full of puzzles. Snape was keen to know the reasons behind it. He thought that the earlier introduction to psychology from her was enough for him to interpret the subject. When in truth, he hadn't really understood the concept, he didn't know whether his next question would disturb her or otherwise.
"Where were you when you skipped term?"
In that instant, the table switched between the two. Snape was now in the attempt to question Karla's motives, while she felt unprepared to deal with it. After several seconds of not receiving any response, he turned and found her already frozen in her seat. Her face vividly turned uneasy whilst at the same time struggling to maintain her composure.
"It—it's none of your concern." Karla defended candidly. Her fingers laid restlessly on top of her lap, they then hid the loose strands of her hair behind her ear. Her hands started to tremble as a stinging and disturbing pain appeared upon her clean wrists. She pressed them under her palm, whilst one of her feet began tapping on the floor rapidly.
"I think it's best for us to end this session, Professor." Karla hurriedly stood to put out her cigarette on the clay pot, "We can resume another time."
She took the cigarette box and left Snape in a puzzle. He didn't expect that he would cause the abrupt change of emotion within her.
~
Writer's Note:
Thank you for reading!
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