Kabanata 19
Suffer
"Do you really want to know?"
Tumango ako, desidido. "Marami ka nang alam sa 'kin, pero wala akong kaalam-alam tungkol sa 'yo. Unfair naman ata 'yon."
"Hmm," he lamented and narrowed his eyes, "but last time I checked, we don't have any responsibility to disclose information about ourselves to each other."
"Well, last time, 'di tayo engaged." Gumuhit ang isang ngiti sa labi ko. "Iba na ang sitwasyon natin ngayon. As your fiancée, I demand you to tell me about your mother."
He chuckled, oblivious that I wasn't kidding. "That's not how it works. At teka nga, sinong nagsabing pumapayag akong maging engaged sa 'yo?" Tinaasan niya 'ko ng kilay.
"As if namang may choice tayo," wika ko kahit naghuhuramentado ang puso ko. "'Yon ang desisyon ng mga pamilya natin kaya kailangan na lang natin 'yong tanggapin."
"I don't think so," he said. "You know what you want, Sunny. I know what I want, too. Papayag ka bang ipakasal sa lalaking 'di mo mahal?" I snickered 'cause of his tone. Tunog propesor. He added, "Besides, I can't marry you."
"Why not?" I tried not to sound bitter.
"I don't want to marry a girl I haven't proposed to."
Naitikom ko ang labi ko kasi tama naman siya. His family's not perfect but he always pegged me as a family man. Siya 'yong tipong mae-enjoy ang mga school meetings tungkol sa grades ng anak niya. He'd be at a park, rocking the swing for his son or daughter while his wife takes pictures of them.
When it came to the lucky girl, I could imagine him waiting for her in front of the altar as she walks down the aisle. He would love her with all his life and treat her like how she deserved to be treated. Sa kaniya lang lalambing ang tono niya. Sa kaniya lang matutunaw ang yelong nakabalot sa pagkatao niya. Sa kaniya lang iikot ang mundo niya.
I could imagine it clearly because Ico had that vibe. 'The man of your dreams' vibe. Nakakagulo ng isipan. Ayokong sirain ang pagkakataon niyang maikasal sa babaeng karapatdapat sa kaniya, pero ayoko ring sayangin ang pagkakataon kong maikasal sa kaniya. When did I become this selfish?
"I don't want you to settle with me, too, Sunny. Alam kong 'di ako ang pinangarap mo," dagdag niya. "This engagement disrespects us both. It disrespects our freedom of choice and our right to marry someone whom we love. The last thing I want is you being miserable with me."
"Anong plano mo kung gano'n?"
"For now, let's play according to their rules. I promise I'll find you a way out of this, though."
What if I don't want a way out? What if this was everything I wanted and so much more? Marrying him wouldn't be settling for less at all. Gusto ko siya. It might be too early to call what I was feeling love, but by the looks of things, doon din ang punta no'n.
Ayos lang kahit 'di niya 'ko tanungin ng 'Will you marry me?' dahil lahat ng 'to, pumapabor sa 'kin... 'Yon nga lang, alam kong di 'to pumapabor sa kaniya. With me, he'd be throwing everything he worked hard for until now. With us together, it'd be him who'd be settling for less.
Nagkibit-balikat ako. "Okay," kunyari'y kalmado kong wika at nginisihan siya. Nang mapunta ulit ang tingin ko sa bangle niya'y nagkaro'n ako ng tsansang ibahin ang topiko. "Mabuti at 'di tinangay ng alon 'yang bangle mo. Mukhang importante pa naman sa 'yo."
"This?" Inayos niya ang bangle bago ako tinignan. "Fine." He sighed. "Since you found this for me, I'll tell you a few things about my mother."
Bahagya siyang umismid nang makita ang interesado kong ekspresyon. Mas gugustuhin ko naman kasing makinig tungkol dito kaysa pag-usapan ang non-existing na relasyon namin. He had all the right (and he would find the ways, too) to stop the engagement, ayaw ko man o hindi. That sucked for me.
He roamed his eyes over the area as if admiring the summer house. "This summer house is all thanks to Mom. She loves the sea, the sun, and most of all, the tranquility that this place could give her." Nang magtama ang tingin nami'y nginitian niya 'ko. "That's why my father had this made. He loved her that much... until..." he trailed off.
"Hey," malamyos kong alu, "don't continue if you're not comfortable. Maiintindihan ko naman."
I regretted pushing my luck with his mother. I knew well how he hated talking about it. Akala ko ba, nandito ako upang humingi ng tawad tungkol sa pagiging iresponsable ko kanina? But what did I just do? Be insensitive again! God, I hate how I was always sticking my nose to where it didn't belong.
"It's fine," iling niya, "it's nothing to me now." He removed his bangle and slid it across the table toward me. "She gave me this bangle before she left us—ako at si Dad. I was seven at that time. Ni walang nagbigay sa 'kin ng eksplenasyon kung ba't siya umalis. Until one day, I heard rumors about her marrying someone else." It took him a while to say, "The rumors were true. She left us to reconnect with the love of her life."
Nanatili akong tahimik. Inabot ko 'yong bangle 'tsaka kinulikot 'yon. I turned it over and realized there's an engraving on its back. Naningkit ang mga mata ko dahil 'di ko maintindihan ang naka-ukit doon. What's this? French? Latin? I silently read it again.
Sol umnibus lucet.
Inangat ko ang tingin ko kay Ico. "Anong meaning nito?"
"The sun shines for everyone," he said and took the bangle from me. Siya naman ang kumalikot no'n. "I realized she gave me this because she wanted me to have hope even though she wasn't around anymore. But who was she kidding?" He looked up at me, and I could feel the sorrow in his eyes. "Gano'n na lang ba 'yon? Iiwanan niya ako para sa lalaki niya tapos aasa siyang makakaahon agad ako? Aasa ulit ako?"
"'Yan ba ang dahilan kung bakit ka," tumikhim ako, "ganiyan?"
Nagsalubong ang kilay niya. "What do you mean?"
"Every time you talk about false hopes, you always seem too passionate about it. Parang ang lalim ng pinanggagalingan mo... Is that because you're a victim of false hopes yourself? Umasa kang babalikan ka ng Mom mo kahit na..." I couldn't continue.
"Kailanman 'di niya ginawa," he continued for me. "I thought I hated her, you know. And yet, after I knew she became very sick and soon died, after she was gone... forever... that's when I realized that no amount of hate could ever bury the love I had for her."
"Did you ever ask her? Kung bakit 'di ka niya binalikan?"
He smiled sadly. "I never got the chance to, but it's not like it'd matter if I learned why. My mother pursued her happiness, rightfully so. She deserved it." Kumuyom ang panga niya bago siya umiwas ng tingin. "It's all Dad's fault. Hindi naman kami iiwan ni Mom kung minahal siya ni Dad ng tama. He loved her to the extreme... but he didn't love her the right way."
"The right love isn't the problem here, the right person is," I said. Binuksan ko 'yong canned beer na binigay niya at saka lumagok do'n. "Maybe they just weren't meant to be."
"They had a fixed marriage." He shook his head, natatawa na ngayon. "Another reason why we shouldn't pursue this engagement. My parents are proof that things like this just don't work."
"Do you always wear your bangle? Ngayon ko lang napansin," paglihis ko ng usapan. I wanted to talk about anything but the engagement. It made me feel upset and it reminded me how selfish I'd become. "Looks good on you, by the way," I casually added.
Umiling siya. "No. I only wear this when I'm taking an important exam or attending an important meeting."
"Bakit?"
"It helps me calm down, shoos the butterflies in my stomach away."
I arched a brow. "E ba't mo suot ngayong araw e ako lang naman ang kasama mo?"
Natigilan siya. I waited for his answer but it never came. Inabot niya 'yong nakabukas niyang canned beer at sumimsim din doon. While he was drinking, our gazes locked. Ramdam ko ang pagpula ng pisngi ko—na normal na sa 'kin dahil ganito lagi ang epekto niya sa sistema ko. What wasn't normal was his reddish ears.
Was he flustered? Lasing na ba siya? O baka katulad ko, naghuhuramentado rin ang puso niya?
Umiwas siya ng tingin at simpleng kinuha ang TV remote. Nilingon niya ako. "Netflix?"
"Go," tango ko. "Wala nga lang akong alam na palabas. Ikaw na lang ang pumili."
That night, we watched Grey's Anatomy until I fell asleep on the couch at midnight. Nagising ako kinaumagahan na nasa isang silid na. It was the same room I slept in yesterday. Dahil sa ginawang pagpupuyat ay mga alas nuebe na ako nagising. Ico wasn't there anymore. He left me a note saying he made breakfast and he's off to work. After I cleaned up our mess, I went home.
Nang makarating sa mansiyon ng mga Casagrande ay hinanap ko si Lola upang makapag-paumanhin at makapagpaalam na rin. Ngayong araw ang nakatakdang schedule namin ni Mine upang kunin si Sabby mula sa orphanage. Laurel was finally done with the processing of the adoption papers. Plano kong dito na sina Mine at Sab patirahin magmula bukas.
As expected, Lola was upset that I didn't go home yesterday. Nasa office niya ako ngayon habang sinesermonan niya ako. Her voice wasn't strict. She was explaining her sentiments in a calm and understanding manner.
"Apo, I know you're used to this life, but you're not Sunny Vega anymore. Your papers are now in-process and in next week or so, opisyal ka nang magiging si Aria." She sighed when she saw the remorse in my eyes. "Nagpaalam kang magpa-party at pinayagan naman kita. If you're to stay overnight at someone's house, ayos lang din sa 'kin. I just hope you've called to inform us."
"I'm so sorry, La. Nagkasiyahan po kasi kami ng... uh... kaibigan ko."
"Friend? Who's that friend?"
Ngumuso ako. "Ico."
"Siya ang kasama mo kahapon?" tuminis ang boses niya. I nodded miserably. "Really, hija? Why didn't you tell me that first?!" She cupped my face while grinning from ear to ear. "Sabi ko sa 'yo, magkakasundo kayo, e! So what did you lovebirds do? Am I expecting a grand-granddaughter soon?!"
"La—"
"Oh my!" she shrieked and hurried toward her table. Kinuha niya ang cellphone niya at may ni-dial. When she realized I was still there, she said, "Don't mind me, hija. I'm just calling Apollo. Sasabihin ko sa kaniyang kasama mo si Ico kahapon. Matutuwa 'yon 'pag nalaman niyang nagkakamabutihan na kayo! You can go now, by the way."
Bumuntong-hininga ako bago siya iniwan sa opisina niya. Lola Cordelia's too happy-go-lucky for someone her age and status. Wala siyang pakealam sa sasabihin ng iba basta't masaya siya. Sana katulad niya na lang si Tita Sora, e. Edi sana, wala akong poproblemahin ngayon.
Nasa corridor ako tungong kuwarto ko nang makita ko si Tita Cora. From the grand staircase, she precisely walked toward me. Namasa ang palad ko dahil walang ka-ekspresyon-ekspresyon ang mukha niya, like that of an evil queen.
"Good morning, Aurora." She smirked without humor. "Kamusta ang paninirahan mo rito sa mansiyon? Are you settled in nice and warm?"
"O-opo, Tita Sora. Uh, good morning din po."
Sinubukan kong makipagbeso ngunit hinarangan niya ang mukha ko ng palad niya. Embarrassed, I retreated and fidgeted in my place. Sabi ko na nga ba't 'di bagay sa 'king maging Aurora, e! Curtsies and polite gestures always betray me!
"Spare me the affection, my dear niece," she said evilly. "We won't be seeing each other soon, anyway. Mawawala ka na sa pamamahay na 'to at sisiguraduhin ko 'yon. The Casagrandes are filthy rich, while you're just," puno ng insulto niya 'kong tinignan mula ulo hanggang paa, "a filthy bitch."
Kahit kinakabahan ay inipon ko ang lahat ng tapang ko upang masuklian ang sinabi niyang 'yon. I might not have earned this spot in the correct way, but it still wouldn't invalidate the fact that I earned this, still. At ba't ba ako ang inaaway niya e si Lola Cordelia ang naghatol sa 'kin na ako si Aria?
"What are you talking about, Tita?" I feigned.
She leaned her face toward me. "Mama's not letting me investigate you because she doesn't want her own bubble to pop, but I will find ways, Sunny. I will get that DNA test and I will prove to everyone how cunning you and your adopted mother are. Dirty con artists."
"Tita, nagkakamali po kayo," paglinaw ko sa malamyos na boses. Gusto ko siyang sampalin pero pinigilan ko ang sarili ko. Si Aurora ka, Sunny. Tandaan mo 'yan. "When I saw Lola Cordelia, I felt the connection she's talking about too. I'm a Casagrande and I'm so sure of that." I smiled. "What do you need for the DNA test? I'd gladly help you with that."
"Tss." She leered at me then dramatically rolled her eyes. "You have the guts, kid. Pero sana bago mo pinasok ang panlolokong 'to, inalam mo muna kung sino-sino ang mga maaapakan mo. You're poor, I get it, but there's a lot of ways to earn money. Huwag kang laging kapit nang kapit sa patalim kung ayaw mong nasusugatan."
Mapakla akong humalakhak, kinakabahan. "What are you talking about, Tita? I can't understand where you're coming from."
"What you and Laurel Vega did is disgusting. In case you're not aware, this is a crime. Kapag napatunayan kong niloloko niyo kami, 'di ako magdadalawang-isip na ipakulong kayo." She twisted the ends of my hair before she turned away. Bago makalayo ay nagsalita pa siya. "Mark my words, Sunny. You'll suffer for this dishonor."
Oh, I knew I would.
***
dapat by kabanata 25, present time na kaya dinadamihan ko 'yung word count for the past chapters, but i decided na sa kabanata 30 na lang para same sa TAOU at 'di ako napepressure masyado haha
anyway, it's my birth month! i'm turning eighteen soon AaAAaaAa