Bliss is a difficult emotion to measure, but it's easy to pinpoint when I'm with Bucky.
"How have you never seen The Wolf Man?"
"I'm sorry I'm not ancient like you, old timer"
The atmosphere in the screening room T'Challa let Bucky and I take over for the night is light-hearted, every joke and taunt making the past weeks apart seem to disappear. Every time we get to spend time together, it's almost as if we never get separated during high-work months.
"Well it's a classic, you're gonna love it doll" Bucky responds, casually playing with my hair as I lean into him on the large, probably heinously expensive, couch in the screening room.
A smile pulls onto my lips as I lean further into his warm side, my eyes trained on the black and white movie playing on the massive screen before. It's moments like this that makes the stress that comes with my double-shift as a member of both Tony and Steve's teams melt away.
Even though this work is something that I couldn't love more, it's rough sometimes going from mission to mission with little time to breath in between. What's more, the fact that my name is heavy in the spotlight nowadays makes it increasingly difficult to go dark whenever I join back up with Steve and the others for training. When I'm with them, I have to be careful not to be seen.
If I am, that could mean the downfall of everyone there, not just me.
That very thought terrifies me to the bone and has pushed me to converse with Steve and Sam on multiple occasions about distancing myself. As much as I don't want to, I know that I jeopardize their freedom whenever I'm around and staying away would keep them safe. I can't let another family get hurt because of me. Every time I bring it up, though, Steve and Sam quickly shut me down, telling me that the risk is worth it.
And they're right. Through the past two years I've found a family not only with Tony and everyone at the Avenger's Complex, but with Steve and everyone still in hiding.
I can't wait for the day that we don't have to be separated.
"Any new fans mobbing you these days?" Bucky asks, knowing that it's been practically impossible for me to travel anywhere nowadays without getting swarmed by people.
I can't help but laugh softly at the the thought of the people, young and old, scrambling for a picture or an autograph. It's like I've become some sort of celebrity, except I don't need to be something I'm not. The people love me as me, which makes all of the flashing cameras and overeager mobs worth it. In my mind, though, I'll never be a celebrity. The fame, the attention, that's not why I do what I do. I do this because I love helping people, I always have.
"A kid last week posted a video online asking if I'd be his date to homecoming since his girlfriend dumped him" I inform, my smile growing at the memory of the high school senior on YouTube.
"Ohh," Bucky responds, his tone surprised and playful, "Seems like I've got some competition"
I laugh, turning to face Bucky on the couch. He smirks at me and I swear I melt. You'd think after almost two years I'd be used to this by now.
"You just might, he was a cutie," I play along, lifting my gaze to the wall over Bucky's shoulder, "He was on the football team and he had both of his arms"
I yelp when Bucky suddenly stands up and grabs me, throwing my body over his shoulder as if I weigh nothing. I laugh, the bright sound yet another reminder how far the two of us have come in happiness.
"You love my arm and you know it" he calls back to me smugly.
"If I say yes will you put me down?" I taunt back good-naturedly.
"You're just asking for it now" Bucky states, leaving me confused until he starts spinning around so fast that I can't keep a grip on what's up and what's down. More laughter rings out of me as I hit his back lightly.
"Okay okay I'm sorry! Please, just put me down" I beg, breathless and smiling.
"Alright, since you asked so nicely" Bucky gives in, grabbing my waist and settling me back down on the floor.
I loop my arms around his neck for stability as my head still spins lightly. I look up to Barnes, my emerald gaze meeting his blue one. Just like it has hundreds of times before, my heart stutters at that same look he always gives me. His eyes stay locked onto me, a sort of wonder filtering into his gaze
"What is it?" I softly ask, furrowing my brows slightly. The corner of his mouth lifts slightly in a smile as he reaches up and brushes back a rogue piece of my blonde hair.
"I don't deserve you" he mumbles.
I shake my head slightly at him and lean my head down on his chest. He rests his chin on top, keeping his arms securely around my waist.
"Don't ever say that, Buck. You need to start recognizing how amazing you are"
As he sighs, I feel his breath atop my head. His hands play with the ends of my hair, sending shivers crawling up my spine.
"I'm getting there" he responds, making a smile pull on the corner of my lips.
"Good," I state, pulling back to smile at him, "Now let's get back to the movie. I have to see if it's as good as you keep saying it is"
He smirks at me and sits back down on the couch. I follow suit, but have just touched down when I feel popcorn fly into my hair. I laugh and look over at Bucky with wide eyes. He just shrugs innocently.
"So it's like that, huh?" I taunt, trying to keep an amused smile from my face. He shrugs, before shamelessly throwing more popcorn.
"I guess it is" Bucky fires back. I laugh and lean against the opposite edge of the couch, tossing my legs up into Bucky's lap to rest comfortably.
"Besides," I hear him say, catching my attention again. When I look back at him, he's holding up a piece of popcorn, "You're the butter to my popcorn"
I can't help but laugh and immediately roll my eyes at him.
"You can't help yourself with those, can you?" I ask, smiling at the soldier. He smiles smugly, winking slyly at me. It sends all sorts of butterflies swarming into my stomach.
"How can I?" He asks. I laugh again, picking up some of the popcorn from around me and throwing it back at Bucky. He smiles too and we both turn back to the movie. As we do, a sense of content washes over me.
I have never been this perfectly happy.
We sit for a while, simply enjoying each other's presence and the movie before us. Just as I begin to yawn, my exhaustion from the day settling in, Bucky speaks again.
"Does it ever scare you, knowing that the whole world knows your name now?"
His question strikes a chord with me and I know that it voices a fear that is very real to the both of us. When I first met Bucky, neither of us were well-known. Our names were in the shadows, our faces unrecognizable. Now, almost everyone knows our names.
"Honestly, yeah," I respond, locking my green eyes with his blue ones, "I mean, it's gotten better over the past year but it still freaks me out sometimes. It's almost like a part of me is conditioned after everything I've been through to expect the worst when people look my way"
Bucky hums in response, understanding flickering through his gaze.
"How do you manage it?" He asks. I bite my lip, pondering over the question.
How do I manage it?
To this day, I still experience the remnants of my trauma. Unfortunately, one of those remnants is how hard it is for me to feel comfortable in large group settings. The more I think over it, though, the more I know my answer. A small smile grows on my face and I look over at my boyfriend.
"Well, whenever I feel myself beginning to panic I just remember that the last time I put my trust in a total stranger and let them see me and my identity, it turned out pretty well for me" I respond, watching a smile grow onto his face.
"Really? I'll have to meet this person someday" Bucky quips, making me laugh. I swing my feet off of his lap and sit up straight on the couch.
"I think I'm in love with him, so you better watch out" I warn, joining along in the joke. I move over and cuddle up to Bucky, letting out another yawn.
"I would hope so" Bucky states, moving so his body is stretched out on the couch. He then pulls me closer to him, wrapping an arm around my shoulders as I rest my head on his chest and tangle my legs with his.
I let out a contented sigh, snuggling closer to Bucky and letting his body heat warm me. Here, cuddled up to him, is my safe place, my comfort zone. I've missed being able to be this close to him and so this moment feeds my soul and my heart. I don't know how, but in every moment I spend with him, I manage to fall deeper and deeper in love with Bucky Barnes.
"Dawn, what if people don't like me when I go public?" Bucky suddenly asks, his voice strained and tired, "What if they're still scared of me?"
My heart twists at his words, sympathy pouring through me. His pain is my pain, so knowing he's burdened by thoughts like these breaks my heart for him. I pick my head off of his chest to see his gaze fixed on the ceiling. I reach a hand up to his cheek, turning his face to look at me.
"Babe, look at me," I urge, eliciting his alluring but anxious blue eyes to connect to my green ones, "You have every right to be scared, but I promise you they'll love you. You're a hero, an avenger, and a pretty amazing person. If they even see a fraction of what I do, they'll go wild for you"
He smiles softly at me, grabbing my hand that is on his cheek and bringing it to his lips. He presses a sweet kiss to it, keeping it in his grasp and running his thumb over my skin. I lay my head back down on his chest.
"Besides, I already have girls coming up to me and asking about you" I add on, knowing the fact will make him laugh. On cue, I hear him chuckle.
"I only have eyes for one dame" he whispers, sending shivers down my spine. I let my eyes flutter closed, sleep knocking at my door.
"I love you" I manage out before I slip asleep.
The last thing I feel is a kiss to the top of my head.
"I love you more"