I sat on the bench sipping the coffee I'd picked up at the nearby corner shop. I was leaving to continue the North American tour later tonight and needed to reflect on some things. I'd visited this spot a couple times since we'd laid the stone heart to rest, because it gave me a strange sense of peace. I wondered if Ceci ever sat here. I could ask her, of course, but I wouldn't want to push her to share something that was private.
Dawn was barely breaking and the air was so cold that I knew the local trick-or-treaters would have jackets over their costumes tomorrow. Would we have dressed our newborn up in something cute like a pumpkin? Probably. I pushed that thought out of my mind and looked around the empty park. I couldn't really remember how I'd found this place the first time I was here. As drunk as I'd been, I still remembered with razor sharp clarity what I said that night and the perfect eleven days that followed. I also remembered how I'd fucked everything up.
Unfortunately, I was good at hurting those closest to me.
I pulled out my phone and stared at the last texts I'd exchanged with Brian before he'd cut me out of his life. We'd talked about having a beer together, which was never happening now. I knew he wouldn't reach out to me, but I needed to tell him I was still here. Moreover, I wanted him to know how I felt even if it made me really vulnerable.
Hey man
I need you to know how sorry I am
I hate that I hurt you
I miss you and want us to try to work this out
For a split second the three dots appeared, and my heart leapt at the thought that he was responding. Then they went away and I didn't receive a text.
I leaned back against the cold wrought iron seat and thought about how I'd messed a lot of things up. What had been the critical moment in the chain reaction of mistakes? Was it kissing Ceci all those years ago? Was it having sex with her over and over again? Or was it continuing to keep a grasp on her after I'd hurt her so badly?
I took another drink of coffee and was struck by a thought. None of those things were mistakes, because I knew I'd repeat them if I could rewind my life. If I went back to being the fifteen year old who was sitting on the couch with Ceci after drinking some champagne, I'd kiss her all over again.
Closing my eyes, I thought back to the first night when I'd sat on this bench. I replayed it in my mind, knowing that I'd been drawn here today for a reason.
And then it hit me. The mistake I'd made, and that I continued to make, wasn't anything I'd done. It was that I had never accepted that what I'd said to Ceci that night was the only time I'd let myself be completely honest about us.
I sent Ceci a quick text.
Can I take you to dinner before my flight?
It took her a few minutes to reply.
Sounds good
Pick you up at 6 instead of 7:30?
I replied that I'd be waiting.
Ceci was driving me to the airport. My family sometimes took me so that they could give me a loving send-off, but they were hosting a Halloween party tonight. I could have arranged a driver, but when Ceci said she'd like to do it, I happily accepted her offer.
Punctual as always, she was at my door right at six o'clock. It took two trips to load my luggage in the car since I'd be gone for six weeks. I still had the original breaks worked into my tour schedule, but instead of coming home between the two-week legs, I was heading to Los Angeles to start working on my fifth album.
"How have you been?" I asked her once we were sitting in the small Mexican restaurant we'd decided on.
We hadn't seen each other in weeks, though we texted every day. The last time we'd been together had been at Thanksgiving with our families. It was not the most comfortable holiday dinner, though I'd sat through a worse one in the past.
Eric had been civil to me for a while after we'd lost the baby, but now he was back to being mildly hostile. Releasing our statement seemed to make him worse, and while he was never rude to me, his tone and demeanor spoke volumes. As we ate our turkey dinner, the conversation was forced. I really wanted things to go back to the way they used to be, but it seemed that none of our parents were comfortable with the knowledge that Ceci and I had been secretly intimate. Our moms had wanted us to get together for years, but their vision was more focused on romance than sex.
"I've been pretty good. My supervisor assigned me a new project and I'm actually leading the design instead of assisting. This will be the first tiny home I create on my own," she told me.
"I'm so proud of you. You're my favorite genius human."
"We've both done pretty well. Are you excited to get back on the road?" she asked.
Our waitress brought over some tortilla chips and salsa which we immediately dug into.
"I love touring, as you know. This will be different. The indoor venues won't be anywhere near capacity. In the warm states it'll be better because I'll perform outdoors."
"Even with the vaccine you still have a lot of restrictions?"
"Yeah, because a lot of Americans are still refusing to get it. They never took the virus seriously so they don't think it's necessary," I explained.
"That's a shame. I couldn't get it while I was pregnant, but I got it in July. I want that extra protection."
We talked about the cities I was going to, which were all familiar to me at this point.
"I'd like it if you came to one of my shows," I said.
"I was at the one last month. I know you haven't forgotten considering..."
"No, I'll never forget that or the shitshow that followed. I just thought it would be fun for you to get away for a few days. Like you just said, you're vaccinated, so it's safe for you to travel."
"Do you have a concert in mind?"
"Remember when I had your family come see me play at Madison Square Garden?"
"Jingle Ball. That was quite a trip," she said.
"I'm playing there two nights right around your birthday. I'd like to fly you to New York, have you come to my shows, and then we can spend a couple days together in the city."
She was quiet for a second. "That sounds...romantic. Is that the vibe you're going for? Because the two of us being seen together several days in a row after sharing everything in the statement last month is asking for a lot of attention and speculation."
When I'd come up with this plan a couple hours ago, I'd known she might think this and I wanted to gauge her reaction.
"What if it was romantic?" I asked.
"We're now scheduling our hook-ups? That goes against the pattern we've established. We've always been spontaneous."
She'd interpreted the word "romantic" to mean "sexual" and I really wanted to tell her I hadn't meant it that way, but she kept talking.
"Actually, that's not totally true. When it was a regular thing in high school we made plans, but only to meet up somewhere. We've never made plans for a getaway," she clarified.
I was glad she didn't bring when I'd arranged it so that we could do it under the stars, because that memory wasn't particularly great.
"Maybe it's time we evolved," I said.
The waitress came over and we placed our orders. When she left, Ceci continued the conversation. "We're in a pretty good place right now. I feel closer to you than I have in years, and we're managing to not let the other part become the focus of our friendship."
I wanted so badly to reach across the table, grasp her hands in mine, and tell her that maybe it needed to be the focus. I loved being her best friend, but I was happiest when we were connecting through intimacy, and I knew that meant something. I didn't know how to say what I wanted to without potentially pushing her away again. Plus, I was getting on a plane in a few hours, so it wasn't exactly the ideal time for this discussion.
"So is that a no to coming to New York?" I asked.
"Let me think about it."
We ate our dinner and then she drove me to Pearson. I loaded my luggage onto a carrier and hugged her goodbye.
"I guess I'll see you in six weeks, unless you take me up on the trip," I said.
"I'm going to miss you," she said before embracing me again.
I checked my baggage, went through security, and found a quiet spot in the VIP lounge. As I looked at pictures my mum had sent from their party, several texts popped up.
Sorry to bug you right before your flight
But did you mean the trip could be romantic?
Like in the traditional sense?
I smiled at my phone. She'd apparently been thinking about coming and had run through our conversation in her head. I quickly replied.
Thats exactly what I meant