Over the next several weeks, Dean found it easier to open up during his sessions with Dr. Rose. She had a very keen way of pointing things out that he didn't notice in his behavior, his mannerisms, and the things he would say.
"Going into the facility like that, despite it self-destructing, was a very brave thing to do. I'm sure the injured scientist and his family are grateful to you for being such a hero."
"Well, for every one civilian I saved, Thor and Iron Man grabbed, like, fifty or so."
"You shrink yourself a lot," she noted. "I just complimented you and you shrugged it off. In fact, every time I compliment you that seems to be your response."
"I didn't notice," Dean answered in a thoughtful voice.
"Of course not- it's become such a large chunk of who you are. So, tell me something great about you. Compliment yourself. And if you make a jab at yourself or use that trademark self-deprecating humor in any way, shape or form, you fail the assignment."
"Fail?" Dean asked with a playful scowl. "I didn't realize I was being graded."
"I will mark through this note with big red ink," Dr. Rose mock-threatened.
Dean folded his arms across his chest. "Wow. Shots fired. Trigger some elementary school anxiety. You wouldn't."
"Try me," Dr. Rose joked as she pulled a red ink pen from beside her.
"Okay." Dean paused and drifted into his thoughts. "Well, Thor thinks I'm-"
"Not Thor. I don't want to know what Thor thinks. It's very clear that he thinks you hung the moon and most of the stars. I want to know what you think about yourself."
"Okay, this is hard," he admitted. He looked at Dr. Rose with defeat. "I can't think of anything."
"Dig deep."
Dean stared at a design in the rug. "Well, I can fight well. I'm fast on my feet. I'm stronger than I look."
Dr. Rose nodded. "A good start. So you would say you feel confident in those things?"
"I mean...not over-confident. But I feel like I'm strong in those areas."
"Alright. Now...what about something more internal?"
Again there was hesitation. He smiled at Dr. Rose after several heartbeats of silence. "I'm incredibly emotional. I feel things are a lot stronger than some people. I remember once in the third grade we went to a farm for a field trip. I remember when they showed us the cows. I just...god...I haven't thought about this in years."
"Thought about what?"
"So I'm a vegetarian. I think I told you that."
"Yes."
"Okay, so go with me on this. I grew up on a farm. It's not a huge one or anything- just a hobby farm. Mom and dad had different kinds of animals that were basically just pets they took care of. So I've always loved animals and felt comfortable around them. Probably more than I do most people. Anyway...cows are kind of like dogs. Not many people realize that. But they can be really affectionate. Very gentle and actually kind of emotional."
Dr. Rose smiled. "Gandhi called cows 'a poem of compassion'".
Dean nodded and Dr. Rose took note of the emotion that filled his face. "So, I'm standing there with my classmates, and the farmer is explaining how the cows live, what they eat. I was kind of bored with that because I already knew those things. So I was only paying attention to the cows while they played.
"Then the farmer started talking about how the cows are raised for beef. Now, I had eaten meat before. But I'd never really thought about where it came from. Suddenly the farmer had my full attention. He explained that the cows are slaughtered. And I..." Dean laid a hand on his chest and laughed at himself. "I can still remember how I felt. I asked him how it was done. I asked him if the cows felt any pain. If they were scared. If they thought about their babies back on the farm and if they cried because they knew they wouldn't see them again."
Dr. Rose leaned forward and handed Dean a box of Kleenex. He took a few, not realizing he had been crying.
"He told me that they don't worry about those things and I told him he was a liar. I told him I knew that he was lying because our cows were a mother and her daughter and they were inseparable and they loved us."
"What happened?"
"I cried. I was so upset my mom had to come and pick me up. And I promptly became a vegetarian."
Dr. Rose smiled. "Dean...I think the compliment you're referring to is that you are incredibly compassionate."
Dean wiped his nose. "Yeah, well that's not what the other kids called it. My nickname was sissy from then on. Or other fun variations of such."
"And that's when you learned that you had to hide this part of yourself. You had to hide that little boy."
"I guess."
"Dean, there's a thing we do sometimes in therapy called the inner child. The school of thought behind that is that we all have this part of ourselves- the child who was hurt and never healed- that needs to be connected with and nurtured so that we can heal those roots as an adult....if you could say anything to that little boy, right now, what would it be?"
"To just be yourself. Because...the people who hate you and shun you won't stay in your life. And the people who are will love you because of who you are. And...stop hiding who you are because you're going to make it so much harder to break free when you're an adult."
"Well, you should be ashamed to call him your kin," Amora spoke as she addressed the Shadow in the corner of her bedchamber.
"And why is that, Asgardian?"
Amora laughed. "Because he's utterly pathetic. But at least he seems to be aware of how pathetic he is."
The shadow materialized into a humanoid shape and paced back and forth before her. "I don't care how pathetic he is or isn't so long as he doesn't know what he is."
Amora shook her head. "He's too busy crying to his psychiatrist to actually develop that kind of awareness."
"Good, because this plot is complicated enough without that detail arising," The Shadow stressed. "When are you going to obtain the scepter?"
Amora looked at her fingernails with a bored expression. "As soon as the Avengers discover its location."
"And then what? Race them for it?"
Amora grinned. "Of course not. I'll distract them first. Then, with them occupied, I'll make my move.
"Well, you certainly don't lack confidence. Let's hope you can justify that."
"Just keep searching for the other four and leave the Mind and Space Stones to me. Once I've secured the Mind Stone I'll use it to gain access to Odin's vault."
"My Astral Body is seeking out the Power and Reality Stones. Once I find them, I will go and retrieve them."
"Won't your family notice your absence?"
"I'm working on a diversion," the Shadow assured her.
Amora nodded. "That leaves the Time, Reality and Soul Stones. Wherever they may be."
Dean was just entering his quarters when Thor hurried from down the hall.
"Where did you go, Fair One?" he asked as he pulled him in for a hug and kiss.
"Just an appointment," Dean said with a smile.
"You're gone this time every Thursday," he pointed out. His face took on a look of concern. "Are you sick, Dean? Is something wrong?"
Dean cut him off with a gentle hand over his lips. "I'm not sick. I promise."
Thor's body relaxed some, but then he regarded him with curiosity. "Well...what kind of appointments are these? You haven't taken another lover have you?"
Dean laughed at Thor's words and squeezed him tight. "No, Thor. I don't think my body could handle anyone else even if I felt inclined."
"Then...tell me what these appointments are," he said as they walked into the apartment and sat on the couch.
Dean slipped his shoes off and turned so that he was facing Thor, his legs folded in front of him. "That night at my parents, you said a lot of things that really affected me. Made me think about myself and who I am. And I realized that the way I've been living is really unhealthy. The way I've hidden who I am. And I don't want to be like that anymore."
Thor smiled as Dean spoke. "I'm glad. I'm glad that you feel this way."
"I started seeing a psychiatrist a month ago."
"A psychiatrist?"
"It's a type of doctor. They specialize in mental health."
Thor nodded. "Mental health?"
"I take it Asgardians don't get depressed, do they?"
"We get sad at times. There isn't much talk of...mental health...in my world. But there are those who have their share of hardships. I have not, myself. What does the psychiatrist do for you?"
"Her name is Dr. Rose. And right now she just performs therapy. It's a type of treatment where you talk about your feelings, your past, your fears. Pretty much anything you want. And the therapist helps you sort through it all and...find yourself, I guess."
Thor nodded again and was quiet for a moment.
"What's wrong?"
Thor looked up at him and reached for his hand. "I'm happy that you're doing this. I only wish you would come to me for...therapy. Do you feel you can't talk to me?"
Dean smiled. "It has nothing to do with not being able to talk to you. A therapist is someone who isn't directly involved. And sometimes that can be really helpful for figuring things out."
"Do you feel the therapy is helping?"
Dean considered the question. "I do."
"I think it is too."
Dean took a deep breath. "Well...in the spirit of being more open- I want to tell you something."
Thor squeezed his hand and the warmth of him made Dean feel brave.
"Sometimes I have panic attacks. They don't happen often, but when they do they're very uncomfortable."
Thor listened intently as Dean explained what these attacks of panic were. He kept his eyes locked on Dean the entire time he spoke. After he finished explaining his experiences, Thor was silent.
"So," Dean said as he looked into Thor's eyes. "That's pretty much everything. But I'm working on these things. I understand that those feelings of anxiety happen because of how I see myself. But that's going to stop. Because I want to live as myself- not what I think other people want me to be. And you helped me realize that. I can't tell you how grateful I am to you for helping me understand that."
"Fair One," Thor murmured softly as he gathered Dean into his arms. "You must always be yourself, especially with me. If you are not, then how can I know who I'm falling in love with?"
The word struck him, like one of Thor's bolts of lightning. He looked up into his face, questioning his eyes.
"Oh, yes, Fair One. I am falling in love with you. In fact...I do love you. I love you." He took Dean's hands in his and kissed them, his eyes never leaving Dean's.
Dean wrapped his arms around Thor's shoulders and kissed him passionately. When he drew back, he smiled. "'Everything you've ever wanted is sitting on the other side of fear'. Someone said that once and I never really believed it".
"Mortals can be very clever and very perceptive," Thor remarked.
"I guess we can be sometimes. I love you too."
Dean became lost in thought as he contemplated this turn of events. When he'd first met Thor, he never would have imagined something like this could happen. Their initial interaction had been tense and yet a connective thread had quickly spun into something more.
"So, if I have one of my panic attacks at some point you'll know what's going on-"
Thor silenced him with another kiss. "And I will hold you. And I won't stop holding you until the storm passes."
Time seemed to crystallize around them as they held onto each other. Thor watched Dean's demeanor and body language shift into an ease and peace that made him happy to see. Never in all of his years had he imagined this would happen. He would never have guessed that he would one day leave Asgard for Midgard and find love in the arms of a mortal. He smiled down into Dean's face- the face of the mortal he loved- and felt his heart being tugged. The conversation he had with Odin prior to taking leave returned to his thoughts. Odin had told him his path and Dean's were likely to diverge. He understood the underlying message that Odin hadn't wanted to speak directly on. To be truthful, he didn't have to, as Thor had thought about it even before. Dean was mortal, and he was a god. The lifespan of a mortal was but a blink of an eye in the presence of a god.
"Now you're the one who looks distant," Dean whispered.
Thor's face took on a disappointed appearance. "I have to return to Asgard."
Dean nodded and spoke in an understanding voice. "How long will you be gone?"
"I will return soon. I have some obligations I have to tend to."
"Anything exciting?"
"Nothing too exciting, I'm afraid. The dwarfs of Nidavellier have long requested an audience and it's time that was fulfilled." It wasn't entirely a lie- the dwarfs had asked that a member of the Agardian Royal Family pay them a visit. "But I will return with haste."
"You don't have to rush back. You should spend some time with your family too."
Thor smiled, but on the inside he could feel his concerns mounting. The fragility of Dean's lifespan had ignited fears within him he had naively avoided thinking about. But he could no longer bury his head in the sand- he was truly in love with Dean and that meant he would have to face this truth head-on. There was but one person he could turn to with his fears- his mother.