ELC39
Before Aza came into my life, I was lost. I was that naive girl who doesn't really know who she was other than the obvious name that I have. I don't even have any dreams I can call as my own.
But when he's born, nothing else mattered more to me than him. From a dreamless person, I turned to someone who has a limitless dream, all only for Aza.
Walang araw na hindi ko siya mas minahal. It was one of my dreams to be able to give the love he deserves for a very long time. I never thought that on the short span of time he was given to me, death will come knocking on my doors.
No... I would just probably bargain my life in exchange for his if that happened. I hated it so much. I hated that I have to welcome those kinds of ideas I would probably die thinking. Pero hindi ko rin mapigilan kahit ayaw na ayaw kong isipin.
"Ma'am, hanggang dito nalang po..." the nurse stopped me from going inside the emergency room. The only thing I can do is to send my son off using my eyes until the door shut close.
My eyes remained on the door. Para akong paulit-ulit na pinapatay ng mga bagay na tumatakbo sa isip ko. The pain was too unbearable and it's making me crazy. I sat on the floor in front of the ER before I put both of my hands in front of my face and cry.
Baby... it's so painful. Why does it have to be you?
Hindi ko kaya, Az. Bakit naman ganito?
"Happy birthday, baby..." I said and cried harder. "I'm sorry... "
I love you so much... I hope you could spend more birthdays with me. That's Mama's only wish, baby...
"Kill..." I heard Papa's voice as he caressed my back. I felt his presence beside me. He held my arms up so I had no choice but to remove my hands off my face and stood up from the ground.
He pulled me into his arms and I placed my face on his shoulder to cry.
"Papa, si Aza..." I whimpered.
"He's a strong boy..." he said, caressing my back and calming me.
"It must have been painful. Aza's in pain, Pa..."
Papa didn't speak but he just continued caressing my back. From being on Papa's shoulder. I raised my head up. I saw my brothers sitting on the waiting chairs. Kuya Rift is looking down while Kuya Rion was leaning on the chair with his tightly closed eyes.
My eyes shifted from the person beside the waiting chair. Six was seated on the floor while silently bowing his head. One of his legs is straightened on the floor while the other was folded on his knee. Doon nakapatong ang isa niyang braso. I can see tears falling straight from his eyes.
It was the first time I saw him that broken. He was strongly keeping himself together all throughout while I was already crying like there's no tomorrow. But now...
Humiwalay ako kay Papa. I slowly walked towards Six's direction. The evidence of blood on his clothes is hurting me so much. I cannot accept that it's Aza's...
He promised me he'll bring my son back...
I sat on the floor while facing him. His head rose when he felt my presence beside him. Our eyes met. Both of our faces are tear-soaked. It's like we're reflecting each other's pain.
"I'm sorry..." he said, without any sense of strength.
My lips quivered and my tears started to fall again. I sniffed and I reach his chest to hit him repeatedly. But no matter how much I want to make it stronger, I don't know where can I possibly pull out some strength. He didn't move to stop me. He was just accepting every punch that I'm giving him while looking so lost.
"You promised me... you promised me! Six, you promised..." I sobbed greater as I grip on his shirt.
"I'm sorry..." his voice broke. "He's in my reach. He's already in my reach... I'm sorry."
My hand that's gripping on his shirt loosen. Kusa ko iyong inilipat sa kanyang likod bago ko hinila ng mas papalapit ang sarili ko sa kanya. I put my head on his shoulders while hugging him. His shoulder moved due to his intensifying emotions.
"Six, si Aza..." I cried to him. "I can't.... I can't handle this." I hug him tighter when I felt his arms on my back. Rinig ko ang mahihina at sunod-sunod niyang mga hikbi. He put his face on my neck while hugging me tightly.
Seeing him like this is hurting me more. I just can't blame him completely because I know he's in pain. I know how much Aza means to him. If there is someone who could match the pain that I was feeling, it's him.
Why does everything have to happen to us? From the beginning even until now with our son. When can it be in our favor?
We silently followed Papa when he told us to sit in the waiting chair. Six and I sat side by side but no one of us spoke. He was just looking down and unmoving beside me. His friends are sitting in the opposite waiting chair in front of us. All of them are quiet and serious.
Hindi ko magawang mapigilan ang isip ko. My heartbeat never turned normal yet I feel like I was lacking air. Every second passing felt so heavy to endure. It was increasing my fear more. My eyes are constantly looking at the ER door that remains closed.
My whole system felt dying when hours went by but the door still shows no signs of opening. I don't even know how many times did I die emotionally today.
God, baby. Please be okay... Mama still wanna see your smile. I still wanna do a lot of things with you. What we spent was still too short. So Az, if ever you saw an angel, even if you really wanna play with him, can you please say no?
Please stay here with me...
The tension felt rising as time continued to pass that we all stood up when the door of the ER moved and a doctor went out. The coldness swept on my body and my limbs started shaking. I still tried to maintain my balance even if my legs are so weak.
Nagsunod-sunod ang mabibigat at masasakit na kabog na puso ko.
The doctor looked at us before he looked up. I followed his eyes and I saw him look at the digital clock displayed on the wall. I drew my breath hard.
It can't be... no way.
Stop thinking fucking worst, Kill.
"Good morning."
I release a huge sigh of relief as my heart clenched in pain. Goodness!
"Can I talk to the guardian?"
My nervousness didn't settle. Six and I both stepped forward to face the doctor. I included a lot of silent wishes and prayers on every step that I was doing. I glanced at Six. His eyes still show the obvious proof of his breakdown but he was once again serious and collected now.
"We're his parents," he said.
I exhaled deeply. The doctor nodded at us.
"We successfully removed the bullet. Luckily, it didn't hit any vital part of your son's body. He's already safe and recovering. We will be transferring him to a room now. You can visit him there."
I shut my eyes close and the hard invisible hand that's gripping my heart tightly suddenly let go and I finally was able to breathe more stable than a while ago.
Oh my God! Thank you so much!
"Thank you, doc." Six said as his hand went on the small of my back to calm me down.
Rinig ko ang pasasalamat nila Papa at Kuya. I opened my eyes and I immediately found Six's eyes looking at me. I gave him a small smile. He exhaled deeply before he pulled me in his arms. I rest my head on his chest before I hug him back.
A single tear fell from my eyes while my heart rejoiced in solace. The tension leaving my body is making me feel so weak yet, I regain new strength knowing that Aza is safe.
"I love you both..." I heard him whispered while securing me safe in his arms.
Aza was transferred to another room. I never left his side even if he's just sleeping soundly. I can still feel my heart hurting while I'm looking at him. It felt like I'm going to lose him again if I would.
Six's friends bid their goodbyes. I thanked them and I also said sorry for shouting and being rude to them. Sabi nila ay ayos lang daw dahil sanay na silang humawak sa matitigas ang ulong mga babae. I'm not sure of what that means, though.
Papa has to go and take a rest at a nearby hotel. However, Kuya Rift and Kuya Rion still have to go to the police station to represent our family. I still don't have any idea of whoever is behind all of this. But even if I don't know him, I'm sure that I will be cursing him until my death. I would never allow him to escape his punishment.
"You have to change your clothes," I said to Six.
Even if I know that Aza's already safe, I'm still not comfortable with the sight of his blood on his father's clothes. Six eyes went down on himself and he sighed.
"I have clothes in my car," he said.
I nodded at him but he didn't move from his position. He was just looking at me and Aza with pure hesitation in his eyes. It looks like he doesn't wanna leave us alone. I stared at him for a while before I sigh.
"We'll be fine."
"I know. It's just tha－"
"This is a secured place, Six. No one could harm us."
He stared at me for some seconds before he nodded at me and walk towards us. I watch him brush sleeping Aza's hair up before he put a light kiss on his forehead. My heart warmed on the sight of him doing that.
Goodness, I thought this couldn't be possible to see anymore. I thought we would really lose our son.
"Do you want anything? Food?" he asked when he turned to me.
"No... I think I'm fine."
"You haven't eaten well since lunch."
Well, how could I do that when I'm so lost about Aza? I can't even think right.
"I still don't have an appetite." sagot ko. My eyes drifted to Aza as I caress the back on his palm softly.
"Ibibili pa din kita."
I turned my eyes back on him. I didn't try to argue with him because I'm so tired and drained. At the same time, I also don't think he will let me say no. Honestly, I just really wanna close my eyes and sleep, but I'm so afraid that Aza will be gone if I would or I'll suddenly wake up and everything of this is not real－that it would bring me back to the time where Aza's not beside me.
"I'll be back fast."
"Okay..."
The sound of the door, opening, and closing was heard around the room but I didn't look back. My eyes remained on my son who's peacefully sleeping. I brought his little hand on my lips to kiss the back of his palm.
"I hope you're having a beautiful dream, my love..." I whispered. "Forget everything bad and just play with butterflies..."
"I'm sorry, Az. And thank you. Thank you for being a strong boy..." I smiled at him even if he can't see me.
Six came back after 30 minutes. He forced me to eat so I don't have a choice but to follow what he wanted me to do. He sat on my seat while I was eating at the mini sala here in Aza's hospital room.
Tahimik kong pinapanood kung paano niya pinagmamasdan si Aza na mukhang kahit anong malakas na ingay ay walang makakaputol sa pagtitig niya sa anak. I was almost non-existent in their world but I didn't mind. I intentionally ate slower so that Six could take his time.
I didn't notice that I already closed my eyes and fell asleep while watching them. I was only woken up by the sunlight hitting my face. My forehead knotted because it's blinding me.
"Mama!"
My eyes widen when I heard that voice. I sat up immediately from the sofa even if I don't know how the hell did I end up properly lying down.
I was even stone for a while when I saw Aza's smile while he was lying down on his inclined hospital bed and hugging his bunny stuff toy. How did it get here?
He still looks a little weak yet he was smiling brightly at me like everything's just rainbows and unicorns. My little sunshine...
"Baby..." I smiled at him and I stood up to walk fast on his side and hug him tightly.
"Ah, Mama! It hurts!"
I gasped. I immediately loosen up my hug to him.
"I'm sorry, Mama's just excited. Aza, thank you..." I said, kissing his temple repeatedly. I can feel the lower part of my eyes heating up but I blinked it up because I don't wanna cry anymore. Not when I should be happy.
"Thank you..."
"Papa said I'm brave!"
I let go of him and looked at Six who's sitting on the chair next to Aza. His eyes are fixed on us but he turned to me to meet my eyes. Mukhang kanina pa gising si Aza at kanina pa din sila magka-usap ni Six.
"You are, baby... you did well..." I said to him. "Mr. Bunny went to visit you?"
He smiled at me and nodded repeatedly. I bit my lips to stop myself from crying. Gosh, what I'd give to see his smiles every day. I won't probably care if it would cause my life.
"Hmm! He's with Lola and Tito Cell, Mama! Tito Cell said Mr. Bunny missed me!"
I'm so happy and I'm beyond thankful that he's speaking and acting normally. Sobrang laki ng takot ko na baka magmarka sa kanya ang nangyari. Ngayon lang ako nakahinga ng maluwag.
"They are here?"
"Hmmm!" he nodded.
I looked at Six. His eyes look tired yet he was interestingly watching us like a movie. I didn't wonder why he's not speaking because it would probably shock me more if he would be as noisy as Aza.
"They arrived at 10. You were sleeping..."
"But where are they now?"
"Your brother's out to get food. Your mom went to the doctor to ask when can Aza be safe to be transferred back to Manila."
"Sila Papa? Kuya Rift and Rion? Is there a news about what happened?"
He didn't answer me immediately but he looked at Aza so I did, too. He was looking back and forth to me and his father, trying to understand what are we talking about or maybe waiting for his turn again.
I sighed. We can't talk about this when Aza's around.
"Wala pa." Six shortly answered me.
"Mama, how about school?"
Six and I exchanged looks before we turned to Aza. I smiled sweetly at him.
"Why, baby? You wanna go to school?"
I think this is one of the few things that I really need to reassess. After everything that had happened, I don't think I will be at peace if I would let him out in the public like that again. But I also don't want to confine him in the mansion.
"Hmm... but I like Mama and Papa more."
I chuckled and kissed his cheeks. I saw how Six's lips curved a little for a smirk. He looked at Aza would a proud look.
"Mama likes you, too..."
"Mama loves me!" he argued. "And Papa too!"
We both chuckled at the persistence of our son. Kaginhawahan ang nangingibabaw sa puso ko. However, there is still a slight worry in my feelings that will only be gone if Aza will recover well. Please... please. I hope he won't get reminded of that day.
Iniwan ko silang mag-ama para ayusin ang sarili ko. Six pointed some things Mama and Kuya Cell brought here. I saw some of my things are in there so I was able to clean myself well. I changed into a new dress before I came out of the comfort room.
My forehead immediately creased when I saw Mama sitting on where Six was seated a while ago. Aza was still on his bed, his toy was in his arm but both of his hands are holding an iPad. His eyes are focused on the gadget. I scanned the room but I didn't find Six anywhere.
"Ma..." I called my mom who's silently watching Aza. "Where's Six?"
"Papa went home, Mama!" Aza was the one who answered me. "He's busy!"
What? Without telling me? All of a sudden and without even giving me a heads up? I looked at Mama to ask more questions. She equaled my eyes with her usual straight face.
"He told me to tell you that he hopes you could still let him see Aza. And you don't have to worry because he won't break his words."
I froze on my feet as I heard that. I look at Aza as he innocently smiled at me. My breaths became heavy when my mind started playing Mama's words on my head. He won't break his words?
Does that mean he'll disappear again like what he did the last time?
"Ah..." that's the only sound that came out of my mouth.
I sighed deeply before I walked towards the sofa. I put the paper bag that has my dirty clothes on there while staring at the blank space. My heart felt hallow for an unknown reason. I hate it.
"You talked to the doctor?"
Umiikot ang napakaraming bagay sa utak ko. It was making my head spin. Mas lalo akong naging tulala. I know I should give attention to Mama because I was the one who opened our conversation but why is my mind drifting so far?
"Yes. I asked him if we will be able to transfer Aza to Manila. Anyway, he said－"
"Ma..." I interjected on what she's about to say. "Can you stay with Aza for a while?"
Shit.
"Why? Where are you going?"
My eyes drifted from Mama to Aza who's still preoccupied with what he's watching. I balled my fist before I sighed. My heart drummed loudly. I don't know if what am I about to do is right.
"I'll be back," I said before I walked fast towards the door before I started running towards the corridor.
I must be insane to say that I would never cross the lines that were drawn to separate his world from mine. I must be insane... because here I am again, running and calling his name, hoping that this time, he would stop and turn to me.