[FLASHBACK - NIGHTMARE]
I had only been back at school for a few days; the vicious beating kept me off for a couple of weeks and I was dreading going back. Partly because I was still walking a bit stiffly with sore ribs and had a yellow tinge to my face from the faded bruises that made me look sickly.
The only people I spoke to on my first morning back were Lauren, the only friend I had left who hadn't left my side since the attack, and a couple of teachers who said they were glad to see me back. When a girl in my English class I'd never spoken to before smiled at me when I walked in, I instantly felt on edge, I knew her name was Nicole but that was about it.
"Hi Jakob. How're you?" She said as I sat in front of her.
"Erm... fine."
"Good, are you feeling better?"
"...yes."
"That's good. I'm glad you're okay. D'you know who did it?"
I just shook my head and turned to the front as the teacher came in and started handing everybody's exercise books out.
Ten minutes later, when I opened my book to a clean page, I saw it. Scrawled across in red felt. 'GAY' in huge capital letters. I swallowed and turned to the next clean page.
'NERD'
'FAT UGLY CREEP'
'WEIRDO'
'DIRTY GAYBOY'
The words went on, worse and worse, all thrown together differently and mixed up, right until the last page. As I kept turning, I could hear them laughing. Feel them watching me. I shakily raised my hand.
"Yes Jakob?"
I froze. This teacher didn't usually call out; she usually came from behind her desk and spoke to you quietly, alone.
"I- I need a new book."
"Already? We've barely started the term, what have you been doing in it?"
The laughter grew and she looked around, puzzled. She stood up and came around, crouching next to me. I watched as she turned the pages back, her eyes widening at some of the words in there.
Saying nothing, she took the book and dropped it into the bin by her desk, came back to me with a fresh one and went back to the front.
"Bit of quiet in here please." She snapped and the laughter faded.
I avoided looking at her again and kept my eyes down, but I could still feel their eyes on me. All of them, silently laughing at me.
[END OF FLASHBACK - NIGHTMARE]
It was still slightly dark when I woke up. Rather than go back to sleep, I sat up on my elbow and watched Perrie sleeping. She had the tiniest of smiles on her face, and one fist curled up near her face like a baby. I don't think I had ever felt more at peace with the world.
A while later, I heard movement outside the door, and whining. Deciding to let Perrie sleep, I slid out of bed and out of the room silently, closing the bedroom door behind me as Hatchi jumped around my feet. He seemed to have gotten used to me quickly. He didn't seem to mind that it was me who let him outside and filled his bowls.
Perrie slept on and I found myself lying down, watching her again. I stopped to think about how insane this was but suddenly stopped; I knew if I thought about it too much, I would probably freak out.
Eventually, Perrie started to stir, her body stretching out, her eyes opening and squinting at me.
"Hey." She croaked, smiling sleepily.
"Morning."
Perrie covered her mouth as she yawned then said. "Have you already been up to brush your teeth again?"
"No, I have not." I grinned.
"How long have you been up?"
"I dunno. Maybe an hour or more. I'm not sure."
"Have you been watching me?"
I nodded; strangely enough, I didn't feel embarrassed admitting it. "Yeah, it made me feel... mellow."
"Mellow? Are you some kind of secret hippie?"
"Oi, stop making fun of me all the time." I smiled. "I let Hatchi out and fed him too, hope that's okay."
Perrie opened her arms and I lay back down, falling into her embrace. "Do I get a good morning kiss?" She pouted and I happily obliged.
"That's better. So... you said you're not working today?"
"No, I've got a nice free day."
"What about tomorrow?"
"I've got that graduation thing tomorrow."
"Oh yeah... still wish I could come to that."
"You'll be bored to death, you're better off away from it!"
"Hhmmm... so today, d'you fancy coming to rehearsals with me?"
I sat up a bit to stare at her. "What?!"
"Come to rehearsals with me, that way I'm still working, and I still get to spend time with you – two birds and all that."
"Seriously? But – won't people... ask questions?"
"I promise I won't start snogging you in front of the girls and all the dancers babe." Perrie laughed. "They can ask all the questions they want; they don't need to know you're... my boyfriend." She grinned and pulled me on top of her again. "God, I love saying that."
"It's pretty good hearing it too."
"So d'you wanna come?"
"... Yeah. Why the hell not."
"Yaayyyy!!"
"Okay, you are far too lively, you've only been awake like thirty seconds."
"Wait till I've had my coffee... Where is it by the way?"
"In the kettle." I winked. Perrie tutted and started tickling me. "Aagh! Okay, okay. I'll go and make one, alright, PERRIE!!"
**
Perrie drove us to the studio where the girls were rehearsing, blasting loud music that we sang along to all the way. When we hit one red light, she turned it down.
"Oh yeah, I never told you!"
"What?"
"I looked up that song, remember? Push It? You were actually right!"
"Aah, I knew it!" I cheered. "I wasn't sure about the year, but I knew it! Ha! Don't ever doubt me again."
"Oh shush, no normal person knows things like that..."
"I know that Little Mix's debut single 'Cannonball' hit number one on 18th December 2011 and that 'wings' hit number one in the UK and number two in Australia. Your single 'Move' was certified Silver in the UK for sales of 200,000... Shall I continue?"
"No, you've made your point." Perrie laughed. "So, you'll meet the girls today, properly."
"Jade... Jesy... Leigh..." I gulped loudly.
"Yep. Last time I checked, that's what they were called." Perrie laughed again.
"And what are you going to tell them I'm doing there?"
"I dunno, anything. Watching, since that's what you're doing. You can even spin the decks if you want to. The equipment's pretty decent in this studio."
"Don't tempt me." I said seriously.
"Okay, here we go!" Perrie said as we pulled in and she killed the engine.
Before she got out, I pulled her towards me and gave her the most passionate kiss I possibly could in the few seconds we had.
"Wh- woah, what was that for?"
"I won't be able to do that for a few hours now, that's all."
"Says who? Who says I won't run across the room and pounce on you?" Perrie laughed loudly at my expression and got out of the car, walking towards the studio. "I'm joking babe! Come on, come and meet everybody."
**
The rest of the day was a lot of fun. I had never seen stronger men – although of course that didn't interest me. What was interesting was the way they shamelessly flirted with the four girls, especially Perrie, both while dancing and while taking a quick breather, and the way that while they were flirting with Perrie, she was looking right at me. A beautiful, sweaty, exhausted smile on her face. And I did get to play with the music, like she said. Jesy and Leigh, though exhausted, started whooping and got up for a boogie during a quick break when I started messing with the tracks.
The only thing was Jade. She had been nice enough when Perrie introduced me again but throughout the day, she had been looking at me oddly. It made me feel very uneasy and self-conscious.
"Let's have a dinner break." The choreographer called. "See you all back here in an hour then we'll finish off for today."
Everyone started shuffling out of the room. Perrie skipped over to me. "Right. You, me, Starbucks, now."
"Perrie?" Jesy called. "McDonald's?"
Perrie stuck her thumbs up.
"I'll be right back, just going to the bathroom."
"Okay, I'll wait in here."
I didn't even hear anyone else come into the unisex bathroom. I opened the cubicle door and Perrie was just stood there. I jumped out of my skin and banged my elbow on the corner of the door.
"Jesus fu- what are you trying to do to me?"
Perrie bit her lip cheekily and backed me into the cubicle again.
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing... Awh, did I really scare you?"
"Of course you did. How often is there someone stood directly in front of-"
Perrie didn't let me get any further, pressing her lips against mine so hard, I stumbled into the cubicle wall.
"Perrie-"
"It's alright, everyone's already gone out. There's no one else here."
"We're not canoodling in a bathroom Pez; I do have some class you know."
"Canoodling?" Perrie snorted, doubling up with laughter. I pushed past her and went to wash my hands, trying to keep a straight face.
It wasn't long before she came up behind me and whispered in my ear. "Bathrooms are good places to canoodle in babe, they're very clean." She planted a soft kiss to the back of my neck.
I turned around in her arms. "You're a meany, d'you know that?"
"No, I'm not." She pouted.
"A sweaty, little meany."
Perrie gasped in mock annoyance and tried to pull away from me but I tightened my arms around her.
"Not nice is it?"
"Shush, I didn't come in here to talk." Perrie smirked before sticking her tongue down my throat without another word.
I didn't hear the door open, but I did hear it close. I opened my eyes and gasped which made Perrie lift her head.
She saw Jade in the mirror and spun around, grabbing my hand tight.
"Jade..."
"I knew something was going on. I knew it!"
"Wh-"
"Is this what you've been so secretive about?!" Jade said to Perrie. "All that time on your phone, the way you're always smiling to yourself. Is this why?!"
"This?!" Perrie snapped. "He's not this, he's a person!"
"Perrie, she's not having a go." I murmured. "She didn't mean it like that... err, did you?"
"Of course not! Of course not, I'm... well I can't say I'm not surprised. I didn't think – well I thought..."
"You can say you thought I wouldn't date a fan. It's not against the law."
"Pez, calm down." I whispered. I cleared my throat slightly and Jade finally looked at me. "I'm gonna nip out, I'll leave you two to have a chat, okay?" I added.
"Bear, you don't have to leave-"
"It's okay, honestly, just give me a ring later... I'll get you your Starbucks." I smiled at Perrie and she attempted one back, reluctantly letting my hand go.
"You sure?"
"Of course. I'll be back soon."
Perrie text me to go back only a few minutes later and I beat the dancers back. I felt distinctly awkward walking back in the studio were Perrie, Jade, Jesy and Leigh were sat on a pile of crash mats in the corner. I took it as a sign that Perrie had told Leigh and Jesy too. Perrie patted the space next to her and took her Starbucks off me, kissing my cheek.
"Thanks babe."
"It's okay, got you a sandwich as well." I passed her the plastic bag.
"Aah, lovely."
"Is everything okay?" I asked, looking from Perrie to the other three girls. Perrie looked at Jade, waiting for her to answer.
"Of course. I'm sorry if I upset you before. I just – well nearly had a heart attack to be honest! Perrie's not the type to fall for someone easily. But honestly, we don't have a problem. I'm over the shock now and it doesn't seem such a big deal."
"That's cos it's not." Perrie said, leaning on my shoulder. "Just be happy for us, you numpty."
"We are. Of course we are, are you mad? As long as you're happy, we are." Leigh smiled.
"I'm very happy." Perrie insisted, grinning at me. I didn't have a clue what to say so I just smiled back and awkwardly sipped my coffee.
**
"Well... that was eventful." Perrie sighed as we got back to her house early that evening.
"You could call it that, yeah. Are they really okay? Is Jade alright?"
"Aye. Jade was more a bit upset I hadn't told her. They're fine. Are you okay?"
"Me? Of course, why wouldn't I be?"
"Really?"
"Really. I wish I'd made a better first impression, sure, but otherwise I'm fine."
"Good." Perrie smiled, relieved. "D'you fancy getting some food with me before you have to go home?"
"I don't see why not. What are you up for?"
"Anything that gets delivered, I can't be bothered slaving in a kitchen." Perrie said dramatically, falling onto the sofa. "I'm bloody exhausted."
I picked her legs up and sat down, lying them across my lap. "Oh yeah, did I mention... today's been pretty brilliant. You're absolutely amazing."
"Aah, d'you think so?"
"I couldn't take my eyes off you."
"Aye, I noticed." Perrie grinned. "Neither could I, to be honest. Off you, not me."
"I did catch you checking yourself out in the mirrors once or twice." I teased, earning a dig in the stomach from Perrie's foot.
"I so do not do that... often."
"Yeah right! Not that it's a bad thing. If I looked incredible, I'd spend half my life in front of a mirror checking myself out."
"You're embarrassing me." Perrie moaned, dropping a cushion on her face.
"It's only the truth babe, now c'mon. What do you want to eat?"
**
After ordering pizza and moaning the whole way through eating it that she shouldn't be eating it, Perrie quickly started to fall asleep on the sofa. She had her legs back up across me, so I started rubbing her feet and she groaned loudly, her head falling back.
"Oh my god, that feels absolutely amazing."
It wasn't long before I was in silent fits of giggles from the noises Perrie was making and she sat up, swinging her legs off me.
"What?!"
"Y-you just sound-"
"What!"
"Well, like you're in a porno or something." I said.
Perrie looked horrified for a second, then joined in laughing. "Oh, shut it! It's your fault, god that felt so good! I should really get a full body massage or something, especially after all these rehearsals."
"Yeah, great idea, go and make sex noises on a table in a room with a complete stranger." I said and Perrie pulled a face.
"Spoilsport."
"Nope, realist. I better go and get my stuff from upstairs. I should really go soon."
"Aye, I suppose so." Perrie pouted, getting up and following me. "Well thanks for the pizza!"
"It's okay. It's about time you let me pay for something."
"I might just stay here, you know." Perrie sighed, falling down on the bed. "Do me a favour and lock the house up for me, I wanna go to sleep now."
"Seriously?" I chuckled.
"No... but I really don't wanna move, I'm so achy."
"Awh babe." I said, mimicking her whiny voice I sat beside her on the bed and started rubbing her shoulder. She turned her head towards me, throwing her hair back off her neck and shoulders, smiling.
"That feels so nice."
I shuffled up the bed more and let my phone charger drop that I had just picked up, messaging both her shoulders. Perrie hummed softly closing her eyes.
"Don't fall asleep." I warned her.
"Won't, just don't stop."
I don't know why I felt so brave all of a sudden. I knelt next to her on the bed, leaned over and placed a soft kiss on the back of her neck.
"I could do this better if you took your top off."
Perrie opened her eyes, slowly rolling onto her back to look at me. "You sure?"
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. Perrie sat up, gripped the sides of her top and slowly pulled it off over her head, then lay back down on her front, her head to the side. She didn't say a word and barely took her eyes off me.
Very slowly, almost waiting for the second Perrie would jump up and tell me to stop, I pushed the bra straps off her shoulders, letting them fall loosely around her upper arms. She didn't say anything; she barely blinked, so I continued applying pressure to her stiff muscles, starting at her shoulders and slowly making my way down her back. It wasn't long before her eyes were closed again, and a tiny smile was on her lips.
"How d'you feel now babe?" I whispered much later. It was almost completely dark now, the only thing lighting the room was the last strains of sunlight.
Perrie didn't answer. I leaned more to the side and bit my lip to keep from laughing. She was completely asleep, her mouth slightly open and the tiniest of snores emitting from her.
I got up and crossed the room to close the curtains, then without even thinking about it, changed into the shorts I had worn the night before and lay down next to her. I pulled the duvet around her bare shoulders and kissed her cheek.
"Sweet dreams Pez."
**
When I woke up, it took me quite a while to get my thoughts straight. Perrie was still fast asleep beside me, sunlight was blaring through the curtains; it must be late in the morning.
"Shit!" I yelled suddenly, leaping out of bed and stumbling over to my phone. "Shit!"
"Wh-what? What?!" Perrie was sat up squinting at me.
"Graduation!" I exclaimed. I couldn't seem to stop shouting.
"Oh god – What time is it?"
"Nearly ten past ten, I've got less than an hour! Oh shit!"
"It's alright, it's alright." Perrie said, struggling out of bed. "Quick, get yourself dressed. I'll drive you home quick."
"I can't believe I did this." I said. We were on the way back to my house, Perrie's hair still unbrushed and wild. "I'm such a bloody idiot, why didn't I at least set an alarm?!"
"It's gonna be alright, you'll be home in time, and you don't have to go far... you'll make it now."
"Just about." I sighed. "I'm really sorry about this. I didn't mean to wake you up so... suddenly."
"It doesn't matter babe, honestly. Hey, after last night, I wouldn't have cared if you'd chucked cold water over me. Last night was lovely."
"It was, wasn't it?" I agreed. "You know what? Just for that, I don't care if I'm late today."
"You won't be. I bet you anything you won't be." Perrie said turning into my street so suddenly, I nearly bashed my head on the window.
"Right, go! Have fun today, enjoy it. I'll see you later!"
"Will you?" I frowned.
"Well... later, another day. That's just what people say init." Perrie said hurriedly. "Go Bear or you really will be late."
I quickly kissed her, making her laugh. "Thank you so much, I owe you one!"
"I know, now go quick!"
I burst into the house and ran straight upstairs to get changed, calling to my dad who had just come out of the front room.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'll be five minutes, less, I'm really sorry!"
"Where have you been?!" Maddie yelled after me. "We need to go!"
"I'll explain later, two minutes."
**
Despite our panic, we were on time and by one o'clock, we were all done.
I had felt my phone vibrating in my pocket a couple of times through the ceremony and while my dad was talking to my tutor, I left him to it and checked it. One was from Lauren reminding me I had agreed to go out and celebrate that night with her. The other was from Perrie.
Hot Date: You look pretty sexy in a cap and gown
I looked up, started turning circles, scanning the crowd. My phone vibrated again.
Hot Date: 😂 You're too cute babe! Come outside x
I turned to my dad, but he was still talking so I gave Maddie a poke.
"I've just seen someone I know; I'm just going outside. I'll be right back."
"Okay."
I practically ran outside, trying not to draw attention to myself. My phone buzzed again, and I cursed under my breath.
Hot Date: Come across the road. I'm next to the 'student union' building and a load of bikes xx
Knowing where Perrie meant, I jogged across the road and under the shade of the building where indeed there was someone standing against the wall by all the bikes.
Perrie had my hoodie on and a large pair of sunglasses.
"Hey you." She grinned.
"What're you doing here?!" I gasped, automatically hugging her when I reached her.
"I wanted to see you today, more than anything. I just stood at the door while it was all going on and waited for your turn then came here."
"You waited right the way through all that until they got to me?" I laughed and Perrie just nodded.
"Like I said ages ago, I wanted to come. And I wasn't bored, I would have got a suntan if I hadn't had to disguise myself." She winked cheekily and kissed me before I could answer.
"What's wrong?" She frowned when she pulled away, seeing the look on my face.
"Nothing. I just... can't believe you. You're..."
Amazing?" Perrie guessed, laughing. "Awwhh, babe."
"You are. You didn't have to. You- You're just so incredible Perrie, I... I-"
I swallowed hard, breaking eye contact. "I really need to go back before someone comes looking for me."
Perrie wrapped her arms around my neck. I was surprised to see her still smiling.
"Okay babe. Can I ring you tonight?"
"I said I'd go out with Lauren tonight, but I can call you before I go."
"Okay, cool. Have a good day then."
"You too." I said. "I'll see you soon yeah?"
"You better." Perrie said.
She kissed me, quickly but passionately, before disappearing around the back of the building towards her car. I watched her get in then ran back across the road, hoping nobody had noticed but everybody was still inside, and I sighed with relief as I went back to my family.
"Right." Dad announced, throwing his arm around me. "We're going out for lunch you lot, so I hope you didn't have any plans."
"We are?"
"Yes son, we're celebrating. Call it a graduation present." He said. "Where shall we go?"
I laughed as the others started arguing about restaurants like they were all six-year olds, following them outside. But inside I was hating myself.
I was going to say I loved her. It had been right there on the brink, about to come out of my mouth. And I hadn't said it, why hadn't I said it?! It would have been perfect. She would have been so happy... why hadn't I said it??
One thing was for sure though. I had been confused about my feelings for a long time now but at least when I grew enough balls to tell her, I would be sure in myself that I meant it. That I knew it.
I loved her.