The next thing I can remember is the beeping of a heart monitor, a sound that haunted me in my sleep for months the last time someone cut out the lights.
I'm finally able to lift my eyelids open and it feels like it takes all my strength. I'm greeted by yet another familiar scene: my parents are sprawled around a hospital room, but this time, Raheem and Paige replace my brother in this picture.
My entire body aches. I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I'm able to turn to the window to see it's nighttime.
How long was I out?
"Mommy?" I say with a hoarse voice but it's enough to get my mom's attention as she's sat right next to my bed.
She shoots up out of her seat and rushes to my side, "Baby," she squeezes my hand and the commotion wakes everyone else in the room.
They all get up from their spot and crowd around me.
"What happened?" I ask, scanning everyone's face seeing worry I've only ever seen once before.
"Syd..."Raheem starts, but he can't seem to get the words out.
"Sydney, look at me," my mom says, turning my face gently towards her. "The baby is gone."
That must've been the truck.
"How?" I ask, and surprisingly, I don't even cry.
Just then, a white coat walks in, "So, you're awake. Are you ready to take the news right now?"
"I think she may nee--" I cut my mother off.
"Yes, I'm ready," I say flatly, and my family turns to look at me in utter confusion.
"Okay then," he says awkwardly, "well, you fainted due to the amount of blood you lost from miscarrying sometime prior. You lost a massive amount of blood and we're thinking what triggered the miscarriage were your injuries from your previous hospitalization considering how extensive they were."
I'm still paying for what Travis has done to me. It must be what I deserve.
"Okay," I reply.
The doctor seems to be waiting for more, but when I don't give it, he continues, "So, I do caution that if you do plan on getting pregnant again in the future, please consult a doctor first. We almost lost you on the table so any pregnancy will be extremely high risk for you."
"Okay. When can I leave?"I ask, emotionless.
"Well, I want to keep you under observation for another twelve hours, other than that, I can release you with an in-home nurse."
"Okay, we can do that," Raheem says to the doctor.
"Perfect!" the doctor looks at me expectantly.
I don't have anything else to say and the doctor excuses himself, leaving me with my speechless family members.
"Are you okay sweetie?" My mom asks while looking on intently.
"I'm okay, just a little sore."
"But the baby Syd," Paige starts.
"Just don't tell Trent yet."
___________________________
It's the next afternoon and Raheem is helping me up the stairs to my room.
I can walk even though the stitches in my stomach burn with each step. The only thing keeping me going right now is knowing I've survived worse.
"There you go cuz," Raheem sets up the pillows for me so I'm comfortable in my spot on the bed. I think he's about to leave, but he walks to the other side of the bed and sits next to me.
"Um...what are you doing?" I ask in confusion.
"What do you mean 'what am I doing'? We're about to watch a movie together, duh," he rolls his eyes at me and switches on the tv.
I give a little laugh at his antics, he's clearly trying to make me feel better.
What would I do without my best friend?
After watching CoCo, I finally am able to cry, and boy did I cry.
Raheem gets up from his spot to get me some tissues. He holds me in his arms as gingerly as he can, not wanting to hurt me.
"I take it that it's not the movie that's turned you into a sniveling mess," he teases.
I snort, careful not to laugh too hard, "Not exactly."
"I was getting worried for a second. To not see you cry in the hospital was terrifying," he looks down at me, "I thought the world had finally broken my little sister."
It has.
"You know," he starts, "Trent has been blowing up my phone looking for you. I'm running out of excuses."
"I'll call him later," I sniffle.
It's bad enough my world is crashing down, now I have to bring him down with me.
___________________________
Later that night, I'm on the phone with Maaza.
"I just don't understand ZaZa! Am I not meant to be happy? I finally had one good day after months of suffering through this shit just for me to deal with another consequence of what Travis did to me," I scream into the phone.
I'm balling my eyes out, I've never been so drained in my life.
"Words will never be able to express how sorry I am Syd. I wish I could be there for you and hold you and tell you everything is going to be okay," my friend tries to console me on the other side of the line.
"Thank you Maz," I give up on wiping my tears, they haven't stopped for hours.
"I just—I wish he finished the job," I sigh.
"Don't say that."
"It's true though. That way, I could at least spare Trent the loss of his first child. Then he would've never known me and wouldn't have to deal with the gaping black hole that is my life," I get off the floor and climb into my bed.
"It's not you Sydney. You are so pure and giving that you gave to someone who didn't deserve you. And now, you're dealing with the consequences of his actions but you've been strong enough to get through it. Even though I haven't met Trent yet, from everything I heard, I know that he wouldn't blame you for anything," she tries to convince me.
I answer with silence, my mind still racing with overwhelming thoughts.
"What happened to only positive thoughts? Don't let him take that away from you too. You still have an amazing relationship with Trent and a supportive family," I look to the screen and see her giving me an encouraging smile.
I reluctantly return it, "Yeah, you're right. I just have to allow myself time to figure this out before I pour into Trent."
"And you have the right to do that. Just make sure you're ready to tell it all when it's time. Let him in Syd."
___________________________
Maaza really gave me some enlightenment the other night and I've been pushing myself to find the silver lining in all of this, like the fact that I still am alive, and healthy with all things considered.
What makes that hard is how my life seems to be unraveling all at once. At the moment, lying to Trent is the only way I'm surviving through this. I've convinced him that I slipped at Raheem's house and hurt my back, and that's why I'm in pain.
That was sufficient when we couldn't see each other because of work, but here I am at his house, lying to his whole family.
"You've got to take it easy Syd, you've got an Arnold in there!" Marcel teases as I enter the family's Liverpool home.
Today was supposed to be the day my parents were going to meet Trent's family, but I couldn't make them sit through a whole dinner and lie to them as well.
I can play along until I find a way to break it to Trent. I just find it hard because I can barely break the news to myself at the moment.
"You're right Marcel! I will be much more careful from now on," I plaster on a fake smile while Trent helps me sit in a chair at the dining room table.
"So Sydney," Trent's mom, Dina, looks to me, "looks like you've made your stay in my family permanent."
Claws out already I see.
"Mom—"
"It's okay Trent," I place my hand on his knee under the table and give him a small smile.
I turn to look at his mother, "You could say that. It wasn't something we were necessarily planning for, but I love your son so we're making it work."
"Adorable," she gives an unconvincing smile.
Trent tries to move one with conversation about his last match, but somehow his mother moves the topic back to me.
"I love the car you have by the way, did you always have that, or did the lawsuit cover it?"
I choke a bit on my food.
What the fuck?
"I've had it since I moved here, actually. It's really my aunt's but she isn't in the country at the moment, so she wanted me to have it."
"Ah okay, I thought, 'Wow, she really couldn't wait to get her hands on that money!'" she gives a little laugh.
I try to shrug it off but she keeps going.
"Do you only date athletes? That seems to be your thing, no?" She takes another bite of food.
"No, I—"
She cuts me off, "If you can't tell already, I'm not truly convinced you're with Trent because you love him. I think you go where the money is, and considering you're not good enough to be a wife, you chose to be a babymother," she throws me a fake smile.
"Mom! Stop it!" Trent raises his voice.
"At least she's being honest," I shrug, taking a sip of water.
Her words are the last thing on the list of things hurting me right now.
Trent turns to me, confused at my calm demeanor.
"What is your problem?" Tyler asks his mother.
"I just don't see how that football player didn't show any red flags before he 'beat her'. I want to know what she did to provoke him. I, and much of the press, think that was all a scam to get settlement money from the team," she turns to look at me with her arms crossed.
I simply sigh in réponse to her words.
"The baby probably isn't even yours, Trent. She just picked the richest out of the men she's sleeping with and went with you," she sneers at me as she spits out every word.
"Just letting it fly today, are we?" I ask, laughing at my current situation.
I genuinely didn't see how things could get any worse, yet here we are.
Trent gets up from his seat and grabs my hand, "That's it, we're leaving until you can get yourself together. I don't know wha—"
Time to jump ship.
"She's right."
Trent turns to me with disgust, "What do you mean 'she's right'?" He twists his face up.
"She's right Trent, it's not your baby." I say flatly.
It's not mine either, not anymore.
Marcel and Tyler's faces then mimic their brother's in utter shock.
"I told you she was a gold digger," his mother announces to the table.
Trent, Marcel, Tyler, and their father Steven are speechless while Dina smiles with undeniable satisfaction.
I simply get up from my seat, grab my purse, and head out the door.
I can't even feel the tugging from my stitches when I'm walking aimlessly down the street. Probably because I can't feel anything right now, not even my feet on the pavement.
At least that's the last lie I'll ever have to tell him.
___________________________
"That's what you told him?" Maaza screams through the phone. I'm currently back at Raheem's after catching a cab back.
"Yes."
"Well why the fuck did you do that?" She shouts.
"I already lost his child ZaZa, I was going to hurt him either way. I rather have him believe I'm some sort of terrible person and move on with someone else who can give him the family he's always dreamed of than waste away with me out of obligation. I can't take that away from him." I let another tear slip out of my eye.
I've been crying for hours, which seems to be a constant thing for me. Within twenty-four hours I've lost a child and the only man I've ever been in love with.
"Well fuck," was all my friend could say.
And her words were only met with a strained, "Yeah."
After a few more minutes of crying via FaceTime, I hang up and head down the stairs toward the kitchen to grab some wine.
And when I say 'some', I mean three bottles.
__________________________
If I could only use two words to describe myself right now, it would be alcoholic zombie.
After a few days, I make myself return to work, I don't want to make it known what I've been going through.
I told Raheem and Paige what I told Trent, and of course they're pissed I eroded my character to protect him.
"The damage is done," I tell them, before locking myself in my room.
I know the whole Liverpool squad knows by now because Selena won't return my calls.
I'm back at work to distract me but I'm also back to drinking myself to sleep. Unfortunately, Paige and Raheem have caught on, and now they don't keep any alcohol in the house.
The worst of it all is that it's probably only a matter of time before the press realize Trent and I are no longer together and I have to handle this whole ordeal under a microscope.
I haven't talked to anyone outside this house since I've been released from the hospital. Well, until Dele walked into my room this afternoon.
"Bami! What are you doing here?" I ask, slowly getting from under my covers to hug my friend.
"Once Raheem said you couldn't talk yesterday, I knew something was wrong. You're always talking," he teases, hugging me tightly.
We pull away and he looks down at me with concern in his eyes, "Now what have you gotten yourself into?"
After explaining to Dele the intense few days I've just had, the footballer finds himself silent for a moment.
"I can't leave you alone for too long, then you begin to self-destruct," he gives a dry laugh and I appreciate his attempt to make me smile.
"Clearly," I sigh, laying my head on his shoulder in our new position on my bed and against my headboard.
"But why'd you lie?"
I lift my head and look directly into Dele's eyes, "That doctor basically told me I may lose my life trying to give Trent what he's always wanted. I couldn't imagine taking that away from him, Dele. Why make him pay for what Travis did to me?" I reply.
"Why are you the only one that has to go through this?"
"It's my burden to bear, and his mom seems to think the same," I shrug on the brink of tears, "For his mother to tear into me like that while I'm dying on the inside? I took what I saw as my only way out. I cause too much stress in the lives of those around me, I mean, just look at Raz and Paige. I'm practically their fourth child at the moment," I look down at myself.
Dele wipes the tear running down my check and I keep going.
"I can't even go home because they're afraid I'll have a mental breakdown. I've just accepted that that happy family shit I wanted to have with Trent just isn't in the cards for me."
"Well, that's depressing," he says while studying my face.
I snort, "Such a way with words Dele, have you ever considered a path in psychology?"
He laughs and shakes his head, "So, what do we do now?"
I look up at him, "Another disappearing act, I suppose."
___________________________
March 11, 2020
And disappearing was exactly what I did. I never went outside except for work. Luckily, the media steered clear of me for what seems like the first time in months.
But it's not like they would even recognize me at this point. I've cut my hair above the shoulders and have dropped at least 3 kg from the stress on my body has gone through with no help from my declining mental health.
___________________________
sydsterling
sydsterling he loves me not🥀
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___________________________
Unfortunately, I have a feeling my peace ends today. Liverpool is playing City today, and I'm stuck in the dressing room taping Walker's shoulder. I tried to sneak out before the Liverpool players flooded the tunnel, but I'm just not the luckiest, am I?
I try to duck past the Liverpool squad without being seen, but I know I've failed when I hear a scoff.
I turn to see Ox glaring at me while chatting with Joe, who carries a similar expression. Walker is right beside me and catches on, "Oi, cut it. You're not going to disrespect her like that."
I give Kyle a look of appreciation before turning to continue on my way out the tunnel. Raheem grabs my arm as I pass, "They'll get handled cuz, don't worry about that."
Raheem kept his promise too. The entire match, he was marking Joe in the Liverpool penalty box, the pressure he's placing on him was at an all time high.
Walker was also checking every Liverpool player in his path, luckily escaping too many calls.
Trent, on the other hand, was spewing insults here and there as he passed Raheem on the field.
This all came to a peak when Raz takes a risky challenge from Joe and it sets them both off. Next thing you know, they're pushing each other while both teams try to pull them apart. The worst part was that it was happening right in front of me while I'm stretching Otamendi on the sideline.
I'm able to catch every word Gomez says, "I see being pieces of shit runs in the family. We'll make sure you pay for her shit out on the field."
Ouch.
Otamendi looks up at me, trying to read my reaction to it all, but I don't even look up. Then, I see spit fly onto the patch of grass near my feet, and I look up to see Trent staring directly at me with anger brewing behind his eyes.
He jogs back down the pitch to return to play and I turn to walk back to the bench.
Someone remind me to take the knife out of my heart later, yeah?
___________________________
March 13, 2020
Needless to say, the clash between Raheem and Joe was all that was discussed all week long. In order to give Raheem some space, I return to my flat in St. Helen's. I just felt that the energy I was giving off in the house was starting to affect Raheem on a daily basis, and pushing him to the point of fighting with Joe and Trent on the pitch.
I don't really want to be in this apartment because it just reminds me of Trent, but my parents are still here and staying in my Leicester house and I just need a break from the coddling, so this is my only option.
I'm currently getting everything ready for practice in a couple of hours, and my phone rings for what may be the 50th time time today. I let it go to voicemail.
What part of 'leave me alone' are people not understanding?
Later that day, I pull into my parking spot at the Manchester City practice facility, plaster on a fake smile, and walk onto the pitch to set up the drills in silence. I'm successfully able to avoid conversation until Raheem is the first one out on the field and headed in my direction.
"Why aren't you answering your phone when I call?" he gives me an exasperated look.
"It's been less than forty-eight hours since I left Raheem, chill," I sigh and pause juggling the ball to look at him.
"That's fine, but I need a text or something when I'm over here calling your friends and no one has heard from you either."
"Okay, I'm sorry," I reply in defeat, "you need to stop worrying about me so much, you're going to grey early."
I chuckle and tousle his hair, earning a playful eye roll.
"Can't help it cuz."
Finally, more players and the coaching staff walk out and join us out on the pitch, ending our conversation.
"Love the hair Sterlo," Kyle Walker compliments.
I playfully flip my imaginary hair over my shoulder and bat my lashes, getting some laughs from the team, "Thanks Walker."
The team gathers around me after Pep gives a rundown for the next game.
"Alright y'all, since Walker complimented me, I'm going to be a little bit easier on you all today. Like Pep said, he wants more commitment behind our passing, so that will be today's focus led by the coaches. That means no long distance running, I want hard, accurate passes in these drills, or else the running will return."
I'm able to crack a few smiles in practice today and my mood is lifted after the harsh week I just went through.
I'm now seated in Pep's office discussing the progress seen in practice.
"I didn't know that you had technique like that on the pitch Sterling, where did that come from?" Pep teases from his place behind a desk.
I laugh at his observation, "People don't realize that being so close with Raheem means knowing how to play football. I was his test-dummy at home for the first fifteen years of my life,"
"That is amazing, we're going to need you to join practice more often then. I think--" we were interrupted by Juanma, the assistant manager, as he burst into the office without knocking.
Pep and I turn to look at the man in apparent distress, "Sorry to interrupt but the FA just announced that they're shutting it down. No more football."
"What do you mean no more football?" Pep gets out of his seat. I've yet to manage to scoop my jaw off the floor.
"Because of the pandemic, there is no more football until further notice. No practice, no matches, nothing. They're mandating that all facilities across England are closed down in two hours."
I pick my phone up out of my lap and get on the internet, where the news saturates every outlet.
Oh my God.
A/n Hey y'all! This is the chapter I've been sitting on for a while hehe.
Do you think Sydney is being a dumb bitch? I do lmao. WHO'S MANS IS THIS.
Vote if you want to see what happens next and comment what you would say if you were Syd's friend. TaTa!!