Kay...
Sitting here in the doctor's office with Nate, I feel a sense of excitement knowing he's agreed to do this with me. My husband and I are going to try to have a baby. As it turns out, I have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) which means my eggs do not mature enough to be fertilized, my testosterone levels are too high and that makes me horny all the time.
Fun stuff!
This fertility clinic came highly recommended by a few of my co-workers. They got pregnant, so I am going to believe this will work for me too.
Nate seems ambivalent about doing this, but I'm determined.
"Kaylee, the doctor will see you now." The nurse says.
As we stand up, I look around at all the young couples here with us today and know their pain of wanting a family.
Nate takes my hand, and together we walk through the door. My heart is racing and I can't wait to start.
Why does my husband look anxious? I know he's not thrilled about tossing his junk in a cup, but after all, I've been through, with everyone up in my business, he can get over it.
Taking a seat in his office, the doctor introduces himself and I can't get over the fact that he looks like Richard Gere.
Great, he couldn't be ugly?
"Hello Kaylee and Nathan, I'm Dr. Robert Kline and we are going to figure out why you are having trouble making a baby."
Okay, here we go!
Walking out of the office, I feel a surge of optimism, and I'm filled with excitement that soon, I'll have a baby of my own.
Looking at Nate, I ask, "Well, what do you think?"
He smiles and answers, "He definitely seems to know his shit. Are you ready for all of this? The shots and medication, plus all the testing and so on?"
"Yup, I'm ready!" I exclaim as he takes my hand and kisses it.
He adds, "Then I'm with you, babe."
Working at the local health center, you get to know the patients and they know all about you. With Nate getting a job at the elementary school down the street, several of them found out quite a bit about me and my husband. It was nice sometimes, but then there were days when it was not so great. Especially when the pregnancy tests came back negative, and I was feeling low.
Of course, working with families, we would often have girls come in crying because of an unplanned pregnancy and that would hurt the worst. That part of the job was horrible, but it reminded me that someday it could happen to me.
My friends at the health center would try to cheer me up. The doctors and nurses would give me a smile or a pat on the back. Then the girls in our area would say, next time it will work. But they were wrong.
At this point, I started to give up on my dream of ever being a mother. We had been trying for 7 years and I was at my wits' end. We were broke from all the treatments, medications, and the in-vitro was not covered by our insurance. It was all out of pocket and a sizeable chunk of change. I knew Nate was ready to stop, but I had to give it just one more try. He gave in to me, as always, and I would return to the fertility clinic across town.
I had gone through everything under the sun. From ovarian drilling, hormone injections, egg donation, and being seen every three days. Every other month it was the same, injections, an internal ultrasound, in-vitro fertilization. Wait and then the phone call saying that it did not work. Seven years of hearing. We will just try again, sweetheart, if you want...
After all this time, everyone at the clinic knew my name. I didn't have to sign in anymore, and they would grab the giant chart out of their file once I walked in the door. Nate didn't come with me anymore and I would sit there by myself, surrounded by couples who were just starting their adventure.
No one else came alone except me. But how much time could he take off from work?
Going through the rigmarole once again, I was more emotional this time. Deep down I knew this was it, and the frustration of it all nearly broke me. Every three days I would have to drive to the other side of town, walk in, and assume the position. They would do the internal sonogram and I'd try not to cry.
Their faces told me everything. The nurses wondered why I kept trying, and I didn't even have an answer for myself. There was something deep inside that told me not to give up, and I just couldn't. My head wanted to continue, but not my heart. That was pretty much broken.
"Kay, come on back. We are ready for you," Sue said with a smile and she waited for me to close my window.
Working at the heath center had its perks. No lines, no waiting.
Getting up from my desk, Franny smiled and said, "I'll cover for you."
I just nodded and walked into the bathroom, with my head held high. It was time to pee in the cup and see if I was pregnant. What fun... Not!
Walking to the nurse's station with my sample in hand, Sue smiled at me and tapped on the counter as she finished up on her phone call.
"This time it will work. I can feel it." She whispered.
With a hug, I nodded and then walked back to my desk.
Five more minutes of hell and then it's over.
Sitting back down, Franny rubbed my back, and I just went back to work.
Block it out and focus on your job, Kay.
Not long after, I hear Sue say, "Kay, can I talk to you."
Turning around, she has a gigantic smile on her face and my doctor is standing there with her.
This is different, this is a good, different.
She nods, and I burst into tears. Suddenly I was surrounded by all of my coworkers and not a word was even spoken yet.
Looking at my doctor, I ask, "Are you sure?"
"Yes Kaylee, you are pregnant." He answers, and we all start to cheer.
Walking into my boss's office, she asks, "What is going on out there?"
"Well, Molly... I'm pregnant!" I exclaim, and she smiles.
Then she says, "Off you go. You better go tell your husband."
"Thank you, Molly. I'll be right back." I reply, and she waves at me.
Then Molly adds, "Take the rest of the day. You've earned it."
Yes, I have.
For the next two weeks, I'm on Cloud 9 and feeling great. All is right with the world, and Nate is the happiest I've ever seen. Not sure if it's because of the baby or that we won't be spending thousands of dollars on in-vitro anymore.
I'm sure it's the baby.
"Let's go out for dinner tonight," Nate says to me.
With I nod, I reply, "That sounds good to me."
"I'd like to take my dad out too." He adds.
Turning to him, I ask, "Do you want to tell him about the baby?"
"Is it okay if we do? He will be so happy." My husband says and I could not be more thrilled right now.
"Of course, we can tell him!" I exclaim, and then he kisses me.
Nate then whispers, "You never gave up."
"I never surrendered," I reply.
Having dinner with Nate's parents is always fun. His dad is a hoot, just like Nate and his mom is awesome. We get along wonderfully and I'm looking forward to tonight.
I ask while getting dressed, "Should we ask your dad about the name?"
"Sure, but I doubt he will have a problem with it. Dad was always close with Uncle Jack. Hey Kay, whether it is Jack or Jacquelyn, either way, he will be thrilled we're finally pregnant." Nate answers.
"Okay honey, I love you," I say while snuggling up to him.
He answers, "I love you too, sweetheart. Now move that beautiful butt, mama. We are going to be late!"
It was such a happy time for us, but it wouldn't last. A few days later, I lost the baby and my world came crumbling down. It was heart-wrenching to all who knew, and I was at a very low point in my life. Nate asked if I wanted to try again, and at this point, I'm not sure.
Maybe it wasn't meant to be?
For a few months, we just went through the motions of our day-to-day lives. There was no joy or excitement anymore. I didn't want to talk to anyone or even leave the house. It was total depression overload and I could not stand feeling this way.
Lying in bed, I whisper, "Nate, I want to try again."
"Never give up..." He says to me.
I reply, "Never surrender, my love."
Driving back to the clinic alone was hard. The last time we were in that building, they told Nate and me we had lost the baby. Now, here I am going back for one last try. I told Nate that after this I'm done and we will have to look into foster care or adoption. He did not like this idea at all, but Nate did not want to continue down this path either. All of it led to heartache unless it worked this one last time.
Sitting in my car, I keep looking at the clinic and can't seem to open the door. Staring at the purple rhododendron by the window, it hits me.
That plant was so small when I started coming here, and now it's as tall as me.
Glancing around, I'm all alone in the parking lot, and I burst into tears.
I just need a good cry, and then I'll be fine.
***
Gerry...
Opening my eyes, I'm sitting in a car, but everything around me is fuzzy.
Where the heck am I?
Then I hear her and turn towards the driver's side of the car. As I begin to focus, Kaylee's face becomes clearer. She's sitting in a parking lot. But why is Kay crying?
"Kaylee, oh God Kay, what's wrong?" I say, but she can't hear me.
Remember your training, Gerry.
"You are alright, Kay. Everything will be fine. You are a strong woman. I believe in you and you'll get through this. Trust yourself, believe in yourself, and there is nothing you can't do." I say in her ear.
My God, she is so beautiful.
"Okay, I can do this." She says out loud and then I breathe easier.
Watching her open the car door, I look around, and there is nothing I recognize. Not the buildings, or the skyline, for that matter. Then, like a rubber band, I'm snapped to her location.
What the hell was that? I'm mean heck... Got to work on my swearing.
"That was so weird," I say to myself while rubbing my face.
Kaylee walks into the building, and it looks like a doctor's office.
The woman behind the desk says, "You're all set, Kay. I've already signed you in. Just have a seat and Kim will be right with you."
Kim, my wife? No, it must be another person. This is such a strange feeling. I'm here, but not physically here.
Never saying a word, Kay walks over to the corner and takes a seat. Glancing around this place, I try to understand what is happening and why we are here.
The woman at the desk whispers, "That poor woman. It breaks my heart every time she comes in for an appointment. Here, hand me her chart and I'll get it ready."
The other one asks, "This is her chart? It's huge?"
Kaylee is sick...
Walking back to her, Kay is just staring at a bush out the window, and I now understand what he meant.
I can't watch her die. This is horrible. She was my first love... The love of my life and I can't sit by as she dies in front of me. This is hell.
"Hey Kay, come on in." A nurse says from the doorway.
Slowly she stands and I want to hold her hand, but I can't.
Where is that asshole husband of hers? He should be here with Kaylee! The guy must be a jerk.
When she walks through, Kay says, "Morning Kim, how is everyone today?"
You see, she always thinks of others. Kay can't die!
"We have been really busy lately, but that's a good thing." She answers.
What? How is that a good thing? Why would anyone want to go to the doctor?
As they enter the patient room, I stand in the corner and I feel helpless.
"Do you want to do the bloodwork first and get that out of the way?" Kim asks.
Yup, it's final... I hate all Kim's.
Kay answers, "Sure, whatever you want. It's not like it matters."
She has lost the will to live. Where is that slacker husband?
"Here's your gown, Kay. He will be in soon, you're next." She says rather glibly.
As she starts to take off her clothes, I feel really out of place and turn around.
Jesus, I'm like a peeping tom or something. Maybe I can go next door or will I snap back to her again. That was weird, and it felt bad. I hurt all over, which is odd because I'm dead and all.
Hearing a knock at the door, she says, "Come in."
Turning around, she is already done, and that is surprising to me.
Then I look, and in walks that actor... What's his name... Richard something?
"What is going on here? Is she in a movie? I'm so confused." I say aloud.
Kay says, "Morning Dr. Kline."
"How is my favorite patient? I'm so sorry about the miscarriage, but we will just try again." The doctor says.
Miscarriage... Oh no, poor Kay.
Looking at her sweet face, she nods and then slides down the table.
Shit, back to the corner.
Standing here, I watch all of this from my safe zone.
Jesus, that was horrible... What the hell.
Seeing a tear fall from her eye, my heart aches. I go to Kay, staying where it is safe, and try to work my magic.
"You will be okay, Kay. Someday you will be a wonderful mother and that kid will be so lucky. I wish my girls had a good person like you to be their mommy. You have a big heart and I can almost picture you kissing their tears away. Oh, Kay, I wish there was more I could do for you. Be strong and confident that this time you will succeed." I whisper.
Jethro appears and says, "Wow, quite the emotional rollercoaster, huh."
"What are you doing here?" I ask, and he smirks.
He answers, "Just checking on my trainee. You were kind of freaking out there for a moment and I wanted to help."
"Well, I thought she was dying," I say as he nods.
My advisor then says, "Okay, take it down about 10 notches and were good. If you weren't already dead, I'd worry you might have a heart attack. Ease into this man, because you're going to be here for a very long time. Pace yourself, Gerry. You can't fix all of life's problems in a day."
Nodding, I reply, "Right... I got this. You can count on me, boss."
"Wow, I've got to go," Jethro says mockingly and then he vanishes.
Once we leave the fertility office and returned to her car, I find myself smiling.
Boy, I was really losing it back there. Kind of embarrassing that Jethro saw how I acted. Okay, moving on. Kay wants to be a mother, and I can work with that, I suppose.
As she drives down the road, I just stare at her.
Kaylee is right in front of me, the woman I loved all of my life, and somehow, I must help her find the right path.
She turns the radio up and it's country music?
Kaylee listens to this? No, she would never.
"Classic rock... You love classic rock.... Come on, girl... 97.9!" I say in her ear.
Reaching down, she turns the station and I lean back, listening to the song Aqualung.
"Hmm, that's funny... Jethro." I say as we drive down the road together again.