“Paul, I need to show you something,” I said, interrupting his thoughts.
Tiningnan niya ako at saka nag-hintay na muli akong mag-salita. I didn’t. Sa halip ay dinukot ko mula sa wallet ko ang picture nila ni Nelle. Bago iyon ipakita sa kanya ay muli ko muna iyong tinitigan.
I handed it to him. “H-how—“
I cut him off. “Do you remember the reunion in Ashford? When the electricity went down and we were stucked inside a room… Nahulog mo iyan.”
He was nodding, his attention focused on the picture.
“Siya ang anak ni Tita Sandra, right?”
Tumango siyang muli bilang sagot ngunit hindi pa rin niya inaangat ang mukha niya upang tingnan ako.
“What does she have to do with me? Who is she in my life, Paul?”
This time, tumingin na siya sa akin pero hindi nag-tagal ay binaling niyang muli ang atensiyon niya doon sa larawan. He flipped it and started reading the note on its back. I saw him half-smiled.
He must have loved her, I thought.
“You two met the first time in a mall,” panimula niya. “She was in her wheelchair and accidently bumped a child. You helped her. She said you were the kindest person she had ever met.”
I smiled. But something inside me was absolutely not right. My head started to ache. Isang matinding sakit na ngayon ko lang naramdaman.
“Are you okay?”
Hindi ko nagawang sumagot dahil parang bigla na lang umikot ang mundo ko. I didn’t know what happened next. All I know was I screamed so loud… so loud that the people around me started running to my rescue.
“Ano’ng nangyayari?” Pangamba ang namutawi sa boses na iyon ni Paul.
I couldn’t bring myself to speak. The pain in my head seemed to consume all the energy in me.
“Is she alright?” A woman asked, her voice was more like accusing Paul for something he was not aware of.
“I’m going to bring you to the hospital,” he told me, disregarding the question the woman had asked him, his voice tensed but steady.
I wasn’t able to respond. I felt his arms on my back and the next thing I know, I was already laying on his arms, him ignoring my weight.
Then everything went black.
~*~
I wasn’t asleep nor awake even. But I knew I was dreaming.
I was in a place where people go every first of November. I was in a cemetery. What was I doing here?
Ramdam ko ang lakas ng ihip ng hangin sa aking palingid ngunit ni-hindi man lamang gumagalaw ang mga dahon ng mga puno sa paligid. Walang kahit ano’ng senyales na may malakas na hangin ngang dumaraan.
Nag-lakad ako nang hindi alam kung saan ako tutungo hanggang sa may marinig akong mahinang pag-tawa sa likod ko. Mabilis ko iyong hinarap ngunit wala ni-isang tao akong nakita roon. Muli ay nagpa-tuloy ako sa paglalakad. Ang kanina’y mahinang tawa ay lumakas pa. Nagpa-tuloy ako sa paglalakad hanggang sa marating ko ang isang malaking puno ng acacia.
Sa likod ng punong iyon ko nakita kung kanino ang tinig na kanina pa tumatawa. Tumigil siya sa pag-tawa ng makita niya ako.
Her face registered in my head. “Nelle,” bigkas ko.
Nginitian niya ako at saka siya lumapit sa akin.
Mala-anghel ang mukha niya at tila walang bakas na naramdaman niyang maging malungkot ni minsan sa buhay niya. She was so beautiful like she was heaven-sent, like she was an angel trying to play around on the ground.
Hinwakan niya ang kamay ko. She nodded at me like she was telling me to go with her, and I did. Malamig ang kamay niya ngunit malambot. She wasn’t holding me too tight. It was a really familiar feeling, like we were really good friends before.
Naka-rating kami sa isang garden. Pamilyar iyon sa akin ngunit hindi ko magawang isipin kung saan at kailan ko iyon narating. Sa loob noon ay may isang lalaking naka-talikod mula sa amin.
Mukha atang narinig niya ang aming pagdating dahil bahagya siyang gumalaw ngunit hindi niya kami nilingon. I looked at Nelle, and then she nodded at me once again as if telling me to go and talk to the guy. Without a single word, Nelle disappeared and there was I, slowly walking towards the guy.
Bago pa man ako tuluyang makalapit sa lalaki ay siya na mismo ang humarap sa akin. Natigilan ako. Si Paul. Ngunit hindi siya ang Paul na kilala ko. Hindi naka-lukot ang mukha niya at tila wala siyang problemang pinapasan. His face was glowing and his smile was so contagious. He walked towards me and held my hand. I was about to say something but the view seemed to have occupied by black clouds and before I knew it, he was gone.
Ang buong paligid ay dumilim. Wala akong nakitang kahit ano hanggang sa muli na naman akong may marinig. Hindi isang pag-tawa ngunit kabaligtaran. Naka-rinig ako ng babaeng umiiyak. Hinanap ko iyon. Lakad lang ako nang lakad kahit na hindi ko alam kung saan ako tutungo, kahit na hindi ko alam kung ano ang dinaraanan ko. Madilim lang.
Hanggang sa makita ko ang isang babaeng nakaupo sa sahig, ang kanyang ulo ay naka-dukdok lang sa kanyang mga tuhod na magka-dikit. Nilapitan ko siya at saka hinawakan sa balikat.
She looked at me, shocked. And I was more than shocked than she was. I was seeing myself. The girl who has been crying was me. It was me.
“Paul!” sigaw niya nang hindi pa rin tumitigil sa pag-iyak. Pinilit niyang tumayo at saka tumakbo na tila ba’y hindi niya ako nakita.
Sinundan ko siya. Tinawag ko siya sa sarili kong pangalan hanggang sa hindi ko na siya makita. Then I figured out why she was now out of sight. Iyon ay dahil sa ako na ang mismong tumatakbo at ako na rin mismo ang umiiyak. Umiiyak ako, ngunit hindi ko alam kung ano’ng dahilan. Tumatakbo ako at alam kong hinahabol ko siya.
I was running after Paul, trying to chase him until everything turned the other way around. I looked at my back then I saw Paul running after me. I could hear him asking me to wait for him but I wasn’t sure why I continued running away instead.
Then there was a loud beep of a car.
But I was not bumped. But I was.
I was confused. Again, I saw my other self lying on the street, unconscious with blood draping over her neck. People started crowding around her then there was Paul, shouting—screaming for help.
I was standing near my other self when my attention was caught by the car. May isang lalaking lumabas mula sa back seat noon. He saw me and his eyes locked with mine.
I know him.
I knew who was inside the car that bumped.
~*~
Nagising ako na punong-puno ng pawis ang leeg ko. I scanned the unfamiliar room and saw Paul and Carol talking on a couch beside the bed. I tried to call Carol but my voice seemed to disappear. Parang tuyong-tuyo ang lalamunan ko at tila uhaw na uhaw. I moved then to catch their attention.
Si Carol ang unang lumingon at lumapit sa akin.
“Kamusta ang pakiramdam mo?” tanong niya nang maka-upo siya sa gilid ng higaan. “Do you want something?”
I nodded, still unable to speak. Tinuro ang tubig na nasa table na malapit sa couch. Naintindihan naman niya ang gusto kong iparating sa kanya at agad iyong kinuha para sa akin.
I drank as if I’ve never had water for a year. I drank as if I had been in a desert for months. As soon as I finished the water, I smiled at Carol and thanked her, finally finding my voice.
“Ano’ng nangyari sa’kin? Bakit ako nandito sa hospital?”
Tiningnan ni Carol si Paul na para bang sinasabing ito na ang mag-paliwanag sa akin. Tumango naman si Paul dito at saka lumapit sa akin.
“We were at the Merlion Park last night nang biglang sumakit ang ulo mo. You were screaming because of the pain. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko kaya dito na lang kita dinala sa hospital.”
Bigla kong naalala kung bakit kami magkasama ni Paul sa Merlion Park kagabi. Tumangu-tango ako para malaman nilang naaalala ko na.
“Grabe naman ‘yang pawis mo,” sabi ni Carol at saka siya kumuha ng tissue. Inabot niya sa akin iyon at pinunasan ko naman ang sarili ko. “May aircon naman dito sa loob ng kwarto mo. May nararamdaman ka pa ba? Tatawagin ko na ‘yung doctor.”
“N-no. I’m okay,” saad ko.
Muli ay natahimik kaming tatlo. I thought of my dream and tried to remember everything. Pero putol-putol ang naaalala ko. Alam kong nakita ko ang lalaking naka-sakay sa kotseng naka-sagasa sa akin ngunit hindi ko matandaan kung sino siya.
“Carol, pwede mo ba muna kaming iwan ni Paul?”
Pareho naman silang nagulat ni Paul ngunit hindi na nag-tanong pa si Carol at sa halip ay sinunod na lang ang paki-usap ko.
Hindi gumalaw si Paul sa inuupuan niya. Hindi rin siya nag-salita o tinanong kung ano’ng gusto kong pag-usapan naming dalawa. Sa halip ay hinintay lang niyang muli akong mag-salita.
“Paul…” then I hesitated whether to ask him or not.
Was it right to ask him about my dream? Right this very moment? Was this the right time?
Then I reminded myself, nobody can ever tell when the right time is.
“Paul, noong naaksidente ako,” Kitang-kita ko sa mukha niya na hindi niya inaasahan na i-oopen ko ang usapan tungkol sa aksidente, na ito ang nais kong pag-usapan namin ngayon. “W-wala ba talagang naka-kita kung sino ang tao sa loob ng kotseng naka-sagasa sa akin?”
His brows furrowed as if he was trying to remember that very day. Then I saw his eyes flinched, like he was in pain.
I wondered if he was hurting while he was trying to remember me lying on that ground, unconscious, because of him. Then I thought, maybe yes. Maybe he had tolerated as much pain—or maybe even greater pain—as I had when the accident happened.
“When I saw you unconscious on the street, your head soaking with your own blood, I was only aware of one thing,” he then paused and looked me in the eyes. His eyes were full of sadness and pain, I could tell. “I was only aware of the thought that at that very moment, I lost you.”
My heart fluttered in an instant. How could he say such bittersweet words at this point of conversation? How could he effortlessly make my heart skip a beat?
“So if you’re asking me whether I saw who the fuck hit you, whether it’s by accident or mere carelessness? I don’t know, Aaliyah. I don’t fucking know because all I know that moment was—“ his voice trailed off. “All I know that moment was I was going to lose you.”
I didn’t know when I started crying. I had only been aware of my tears streaming down my face when he finally found his way to me and hugged me—he hugged me!
“And I never want that to happen, Aaliyah,” he added, whispering in my ear.