There was a little kid who stopped in front of me while I was strolling through the park earlier. He was cute, he wore a private kindergarten school uniform, he had a chubby face with big eyes. He looked at me a while before he smiled and asked me a question that made me smile, but now it's only making me question my existence altogether.
"Hyung, what is growing up like?"
In my mind, at first, I found it cute. I really did. A little boy, a kindergartener, wants to know what it's like to grow up already. Maybe he was like me? I wanted to grow up faster so I could stop following the rules I hated in my parents' house. Something like that gave me a sense of hope as a child, but later I found out most of those rules were needed. Needed a lot more then I thought they would.
"Why are you curious?"
I asked the young boy sitting down on a bench near us and he followed. When he sat down he opened his backpack and pulled out two Yakult's, handing one to me, and then he asked me to open the other.
"I just wanted to know. My mom won't tell me."
He seemed so sweet as he took a sip of the yogurt drink and I just hummed.
"Well, at first it'll be fun, but there will be a lot of hardships. You have to push through them though because there's a rainbow behind every dark cloud."
I had spoken softly and the boy smiled.
"It sounds nice, thank you hyung."
The boy had smiled so bright in those moments and I felt happy to guide someone to such a smile, but I can't help but feel bad now. I felt like I just lied to an innocent little soul. Why did I tell him such a lie? Maybe because I wanted to protect his innocent world view? Maybe because I just had too? Yes and yes. I know why I lied to that bright boy. His life is probably way different from mine. That's why.
I suffer alone because I am alone. I got kicked out of my parents' house in Vancouver so I moved here back to Korea. My Korean is bad, but it's getting better...I guess? I work at a Mc Donalds which gives me free food leftover after work which helps a lot with expenses. I live in a kind of expensive studio apartment with my cat Binx. With the money, I make I can barely pay rent, electricity, phone, then buy my cat food. Getting a job with a bigger pay or getting help would be amazing, but I'm pretty much alone now. I speak English to my friends back home, my cat, and I watch American shows on my phone which obviously doesn't help my Korean any but since my parents are Korean my basic knowledge since I was four helps with a lot more than I thought. Cause soon after we started speaking English in the house cause it was just easier since everyone else around us were English speakers.
That boy has a different life.
Growing up is painful, but having no time to cry about it. Being a grown-up is being poor whether you get paid or not. Growing up means working overtime gives you nothing sometimes. Growing up is pure pain. Growing up is not something I want to do anymore. I'm only 22 and I already know it's gonna get harder.
I lied to that poor boy with positivity like it was gonna be way better for him, but it might not be.
I hate being positive for other people. It makes me mad. Why can't I look at things positively when it comes to my own pain instead of just others? Why can't I smile bright like that boy? Because it's fake...I hate growing up.