Kabanata 17
Love
"Don't you think we need to get out of here?" Ico asked in the middle of our dance.
I looked around before nodding. "We should."
Dahil abala sa sari-sariling pag-uusap sina Lola ay 'di nila napansin ang pagtakas namin sa dance floor. Naglakad kami palabas at tumigil sa terasa. Humilig kaming dalawa sa railings, bahagyang natatawa. We were facing the entrance so we watched the sea of people on the dancefloor. They were oblivious of our escape.
"So... you're Aurora now?"
Mabilis akong tumango para maagapan ko ang sariling magdalawang-isip pa, lalo na't siya ang kausap ko. With him, I always felt this pressure of being the best person I could be. Lying to him made my gut twist.
"Ah, oo." Bahaw akong ngumisi, 'di nakatingin sa kaniya. "Alam mo naman siguro ang history ko 'di ba? I'm an orphan."
He nodded. "But you aren't now."
"Ang hirap nga lang paniwalaan." Mapakla akong tumawa bago siya tuluyang nilingon. "Ikaw, naniniwala ka ba?"
"Ba't naman hindi?" Tinaasan niya 'ko ng kilay. "If there's one thing I learned during our pretend relationship, it's that I should never doubt a Sunny Vega. You're straight-forward. And you always mean what you say." He paused, his eyes curious. "Why? What's the matter?"
I shrugged. "Wala naman. Naninibago lang siguro ako."
"Why would you? It's only your name that changed."
Maybe for him, but for me, everything changed. My status. My priorities. My life. Natatakot akong sa dami ng nagbabago, baka pati ang sarili ko'y magbago rin. Hindi ko na maipagmamalaking totoo ako kasi ngayon, isang malaking kasinungalingan na ang buhay ko.
So this was what being rich entails, huh? This was what you ought to lose to grasp this life.
Malungkot akong ngumisi. "I'm just scared. Kilala mo naman ako, 'di ba? I'm not," I looked down at my elegant dress before staring back at him, "this... Paano kung 'di ko mapanindigan ang pagiging isang Aurora? Paano kung 'di para sa 'kin ang buhay na 'to?" Umiwas ako ng tingin. "What if I fail at being who I'm supposed to be?"
"Everyone does," he whispered, but enough for me to hear, "at least at some point. Just think of it as a chance to start anew, Sunny. You've always been a girl destined to do great things." Ngumiti siya. "You settled for less before, now you don't have to."
Napaisip ako sa sinabi niya. All the hardships we went through before played on my mind. 'Yong mga pagkakataong binababa ko ang sarili ko kahit 'di ko gusto. 'Yong mga pagkakataong nababastos ako dahil kailangan ko ng pera pero wala kami no'n. Maybe Ico's right. This was the world giving me a chance to right my wrongs. I could be someone I always wanted to be now.
"Can I still call you Sunny, though? Hindi ako sanay na tawagin kang Aria," he said, bemused. "'Tsaka 'di rin sa 'yo bagay. Aurora's too princessy. You hate that crap, right?"
Natawa ako. "Sunny's fine."
Natawa rin siya. The air around us became comfortable as if we were always like this. We started on the wrong foot but being here with him, I thought fixing things up was a good idea. 'Di bagay sa 'king nagtatanim ng sama ng loob. Mas gugustuhin ko pang makipag-rambolan sa kaniya kesa 'yong kinikimkim ko ang nararamdaman ko.
"Masaya akong napatawad mo 'ko agad," aniya. "I thought you'd judge me for what I did."
"I don't judge people on their mistakes."
It took him a while to say, "Maybe you should."
Ngising-ngisi si Laurel nang makabalik ako sa table namin. Ico got caught up with some of his father's friends so he was now sharing small talk with them. Si Lola ay kinakausap pa rin si Gov. samantalang si Tita Sora ay may kausap na ibang panauhin. It still hadn't sunk in to me that this would be my circle starting tonight.
"Nakita ko 'yon," makahulugang bulong sa 'kin ni Laurel. Umupo siya sa tabi ko at nang-iinis akong tinaas-babaan ng kilay. "Anong pinag-usapan niyo?"
"Nagbati na kami. 'Yon lang."
"Hmm." She squinted her eyes. "Anong plano niyo, kung gano'n? Talaga bang magpapakasal kayo?"
Nagkibit-balikat ako. "'Di ko alam. 'Di namin napag-usapan ang tungkol diyan."
I'd need to win Ico's heart to strengthen my integrity as Aurora and also, to please Lola Cordelia. Kapag nagkamabutihan kami at nakita 'yon ni Tita Sora, siguradong 'di niya kami ilalaglag agad, 'yan ay kung totoong alam niyang nagsisinungaling kami. Why? Because the Benavidoses would hate them for that.
Nagka-engagement na't lahat, tapos 'di pala ako ang totoong Aurora? It'd be bad for the Casagrandes. Kahit istrikta siya, alam kong tulad ng ibang mayayaman ay pinapahalagahan niya pa rin ang reputasyon nila. I needed to stall her while I was figuring out how to fix all these fucking loopholes! Besides, I couldn't let go of this life now! We've already come this far!
"Anong plano mo, kung gano'n?" pangungulit ni Laurel. "Go with the flow?"
I nodded. Not bad, actually.
"Yes, Laur. Go with the flow."
Nakahawak ako sa siko ni Dr. Raj habang naglalakad kami papasok sa venue na pagdadausan ng fundraising party ng LFMC. Suot ko ang isang itim na fitted party dress. May crisscross design 'yon kaya nagmistula akong diyosa. My hair was left as it is so my S-curls paired with the vibe of the dress well.
There were a lot of people there, a lot more than the people in Ico and I's engagement party. Madilim at tanging ang nagsasayawang party lights lang ang nagbigay ilaw sa 'min. Wala pang silyang pwedeng maupuan! We were supposed to stand while socializing from one round table to another. Kulang ba sila sa budget or what?
Dr. Raj was talking to some of his colleagues while I was beside him, awkward and stiff. Magaling akong makipag-usap pero ano namang sasabihin ko e tungkol sa medisina ang pinag-uusapan nila? Kung 'di dahil kay Sab at sa kagustuhan niyang ipares ako kay Dr. Raj, 'di ako dadalo sa party na 'to! I was never a party girl, anyway.
"Are you having fun?" Dr. Raj asked, concerned. "I shouldn't have brought you here, huh? How are you feeling in that dress? Nilalamig ka ba?"
Nginitian ko siya. "Ayos lang. Uh, thank you nga pala sa dress. Maganda."
"Bagay sa 'yo kasi maganda ka rin." He winked and I blushed.
'Di ako manhid para 'di malamang pinopormahan niya 'ko. He was a pleasant person and we've gone out for a few dates last year but in each of them, palaging kailangan niyang bumalik agad sa ospital kahit kumakain pa kami. Sinasabi kong ayos lang pero siyempre, sino ba namang may gustong indian-in ka sa kalagitnaan ng date niyo?
O baka masyado lang akong demanding para magkaroon ng doktor na boyfriend.
Aside from that, he's older than me with at least a ten-year age gap. I don't think he knew I was still a teen, though. Not that I was hiding it, he just never asked and I didn't see the need to give him a trivial piece of information. Nineteen naman na ako. Making moves on me wouldn't put him in jail.
"Do you drink?"
Nilaharan niya 'ko ng isang cocktail glass. 'Di ko alam kung anong alak ang laman no'n kasi minsan lang ako umiinom. This was also a fancy party kaya malay ko ba kung anong dyamante ang meron diyan sa ino-offer niya?
"Yup," I still said and accepted it. Libre, e. "Don't worry about me too much, Doc. Ayos lang ako."
He twisted his face playfully. "Doc? Call me Raj, Sunny. Para namang iba na 'ko sa 'yo."
"Call me Aria, then?" I smiled. "I'm the long lost Casagrande, remember?"
"I like Sunny better."
Sinabi ko sa kaniyang ako si Aria kaya niya nalaman. Other than him, I hadn't told anyone. Akala ko'y kakalat sa buong bayan ang balita tungkol sa engagement at identidad ko pero hanggang ngayo'y kaunti lang ang nakakaalam no'n. Only the guests at our party knew. Ni hindi 'yon naireport ng local radio at TV stations.
Raj and I talked for a few minutes until someone approached him. Hinila siya nito sa table kung saan may importanteng panauhin daw. They were talking about research and stuff. Dahil wala siyang choice, nagpahila naman siya. I was left at our table, standing alone with a cocktail drink on my hand, when my eyes turned into slits at a familiar figure.
"How's residency so far, Ico? Kaya ba?" A middle-aged man let out a hearty laugh before he turned to Hazel who's beside him. "Ikaw naman, hija! How's your father? Balita ko'y may collaboration si Apollo at si Dieter?"
Hazel let out this womanly laugh and it turned out so natural and elegant—so like her. Biglang sumama ang timpla ko. A waiter passed by with a bunch of drinks on the tray he's carrying so to drown the nasty feeling in my gut, I took one and drank it straight.
Ngumiwi ako sa kakaibang lasa no'n. What the fuck was that? JD? The Bar? Do those liquours even taste the same? Wala na 'kong pakealam kasi naubos ko na ng inom 'yon. I turned to Ico and Hazel again.
"Tito Apollo's planning to build a private hospital and he's offering my Dad a place in the board."
"Hospital? Oh, yeah, I remember! Investor din ako doon, hija!" his voice was too loud that even when they were a few round tables away, I could still hear them. "What did Dieter say? Of course, he'd accept!"
"He did."
"That's so nice! Anyway, you love birds should enjoy the night! Do I sense any engagement party happening soon? Ico?"
He shook his head politely. "We're just friends, Doctor."
"Friends!" Turning to Hazel, he asked, "Hija, totoo ba?"
"We're very very good friends." She shrugged and plastered a playful smile. "Pero malay niyo po? We're busy with our careers and studies right now so dating isn't exactly our priority. Maybe in the future, the engagement you're talking about becomes a reality." Humagikhik siya. "Who knows?"
Nagpatuloy sila sa kwentuhan nila at tahimik naman akong nakinig. Ewan ko kung bakit nakikinig ako gayong wala naman 'yong magandang epekto sa 'kin. Every time I heard them talk about academic stuff like research, residency, career, all I felt was humiliation.
Each person has their own priorities and it just so happened that those were theirs. Meanwhile, mine was fixing the mess I got into. Mine was covering up for all our lies with a couple more lies. Bakit kahit si Aurora na 'ko, mayaman na 'ko, pakiramdam ko'y ang layo-layo ko pa rin kay Ico?
"Whew! Ang hassle ng party na 'to! Building connections takes a lot of effort!" Raj trailed off when he saw all the cocktail glasses on our table. Nagsalubong ang kilay niya. "Andami mong nainom, ah? Are you okay?"
Alam kong lasing na 'ko dahil umaalon na ang paningin ko pero kaya ko pa naman. The last thing I wanted was to become a responsibility for him.
"I'm fine," I assured. "Uh, can I go to the restroom? Freshen up lang."
He nodded. Umalis ako roon at lumabas ng venue upang maghanap ng comfort room. Mabuti na lang at 'di ako nakita nina Ico at Hazel kanina dahil 'di ko alam ang gagawin ko 'pag nagkataon.
The thing about Hazel was that I couldn't hate her no matter how envious I was. She smiled sweetly to everyone and carried the air of someone socially aware and elegant. Ito siguro ang problema sa 'kin. People who were personifications of all things I desired became people I got obsessed with. Totoo naman kasing nakakainggit sila.
May CR do'n sa loob pero lumabas ako para na rin makapagliwa-liwa. Agad kong natunton ang pribadong CR sa pinakadulo ng corridor. Thinking that no one was there 'cause the door was open, I walked inside, only to see Ico and Hazel kissing each other.
Nalaglag ang panga ko. Girl's restroom 'yon kaya nabigla akong nandoon sila, lalo na si Ico. He was standing stiff with widened eyes as Hazel kissed him while in a tiptoe. Everything froze for me. Pumagilid ang mga mata ni Ico kaya namataan niya 'ko. I wanted to turn away and run but my feet weren't functioning.
"I-i'm sorry," sabi ko nang matauhan.
Nilayo ni Hazel ang sarili niya kay Ico at saka ako binalingan. Mapula ang mga mata niya at halatang kakagaling niya lang sa pag-iyak. When she saw me, she simply wiped her lips and looked away.
Ico took a step forward. "Sun—"
"Sorry you had to see that," putol ni Haze sa kaniya. "Magc-CR ka ba?"
Napalunok ako. Ico stared at me with frustrated eyes but I was too traumatized by what I saw to give his stare a different meaning. As I said, they could do whatever the hell they wanted. Labas na 'ko roon.
"Hindi na," tugon ko sa maliit na boses bago sila iniwan.
Pagbalik sa loob ng venue ay agad kong pinuntahan si Raj na may kausap na mga kapwa niya doktor. He was unaware that all I wanted to do was go home and sleep. And... maybe get drunk before all that.
Habang pinapakilala niya 'ko sa mga kaibigan niya'y nakita ko ang pagpasok ni Ico sa hall nang mag-isa. My forehead creased. Nasa'n si Hazel? His eyes darted at me so I looked away, heart now hammering.
Raj put his arm around my waist and leaned in to whisper, "Do you want to go home? Mukhang nababagot ka na."
"No!" I exclaimed. Nagsalubong ang kilay niya. "I mean, ayos lang..." Tinuro ko ang bar counter 'di kalayuan sa 'min. "Can I go there? Nauuhaw ako, e."
He chuckled. "Fine. Siguraduhin mo lang na tubig ang iinumin mo."
"Promise," I lied.
I walked over to the bar counter and ordered hard drinks. Habang sumisimsim sa rocks glass ko ay lumingon ako para hanapin si Ico. My chest tightened when I saw him walking toward me. Seryoso ang mukha niya at ramdam ko ang iritasyon sa mga mata niya.
Pineprepara ko na ang sarili ko sa pag-uusapan namin nang biglang sumulpot sa harap niya si Hazel. They talked and I averted my gaze, uninterested of whatever game they were playing. Halata namang may LQ sila. Probably because Ico called her a 'friend' when they were obviously weren't in a platonic relationship. Anyway, ba't ko ba 'to iniiisip?
Lunod na sa mga kakwentuhan niya si Raj kaya malaya akong nakapaglasing nang mag-isa. I was already telling my life-story to the bartender who looked like he couldn't care less when someone pulled me from the bar stool. Aangal sana ako nang matantong si Ico pala 'yon.
Looking around I asked, "Where's Raj?"
"Ako ang nandito ngayon kaya 'wag ka nang maghanap ng iba," utas niya. "Lasing ka na. Uuwi na tayo."
Hinarap ko siya sa umaangal na mukha. Gago ba siya? Siya ba ang naghatid sa 'kin dito para ayain akong umuwi? At siya ba ang date ko para pakealaman kung anong ginagawa ko? Granted, he was my so-called fiancé, but after what I saw earlier, guess not anymore!
It's obvious now that the engagement was a fraud! At bakit ko ba ipagpipilitan ang sarili ko sa kaniya? I'd find my goddamn ways to please Lola Cordelia. 'Di ko siya kailangan para roon!
I pulled my hand away from his hold. "I came here with Raj. Uuwi ako kasama siya."
He was becoming blurry in my vision. Lasing na nga ako, andami pang party lights na tumatama sa mukha niya. 'Di ko mawari kung galit ba siya o concerened o sadyang pabida lang talaga. Tangina naman nito, e. Nagpapakasaya na 'ko kakakwento do'n sa bartender, tas bigla na lang siyang makikialam?
"Dr. Raj is drun—"
"You're drunk too! I saw you drinking a lot of hard liquors earlier!"
Natigilan siya. "Kanina mo pa pala ako inoobserbahan? Why didn't you approach me?"
"Why would I? Ano ba kita?" I countered, making him blink a few times. I tssed. "Ewan ko sa 'yo. Excuse me, hahanapin ko lang ang date ko."
Before I could walk past him, he grabbed me by my elbow and made me face him. Madilim sa kinaroroonan namin kaya maliban sa bartender, walang nakasaksi sa sagutan namin. Loud party music was playing and chatters of everyone rang in the air. Nakakapagtakang kapag boses niya, rinig na rinig ko kahit may music pa.
"He's just your date. I'm your fiancé." He smirked wryly. "I think I get to have better privileges here, don't I?"
I scoffed. "I didn't get to have better privileges than Hazel. Ka-date mo lang din naman siya."
"Is this about our kiss?"
"No." Umiling ako. "This is about you telling me what I should do. 'Di mo 'ko pagmamay-ari."
Everything after that was hazy in my memory. Natatandaan kong nakisali ako sa inuman nina Raj at nakipag-slow dance pa 'ko sa kaniya nang romantikong tugtugin na ang ni-play. I drank a lot and I think I passed out in the middle of all of it. Nagising na lang ako sa isang 'di pamilyar na sasakyan. We were on the road.
"Putang ina?" mura ko nang makitang si Ico ang nagda-drive. "The fuck am I doing in your car?"
His jaw clenched and I bit my lip while admiring how perfect he was for me. Mukha talaga siyang aktor. Naiimagine kong ginaganap niya ang mga supladong karakter sa telenovela. Or he could be the badass lead actor in action movies too. Actually, anyone as long as it's not a side-character. He didn't look like he'd be content with being at the sideline, anyway.
"Can we first talk about how you puked on my suit before that? Para in-order," sarkastiko niyang ani.
It was already the liquor doing its magic on me when I said, "Ibaba mo nga ako rito! Kidnapping na 'to, ah? 'Tsaka ano bang pakealam mo sa 'kin? Ano ngayon kung doon na 'ko sa punyetang party na 'yon abutan ng umaga?" I grunted and massaged my temples. "Asan ba si Raj? Ayoko sa 'yo!"
He chuckled dryly. "Your date was too wasted to drive. I asked another doctor to bring him home."
"Ba't ba ang pakialamero mo? Pinapakialaman ba kita? 'Di naman ah!" Ngumuso ako't umiwas ng tingin, naaalala na ngayon ang halikan nila ni Hazel. "Talagang sa CR, Ico? 'Di na ba kayo nakatiis?"
"So what if it's in the CR? You went at it with Levi Suarez in a CR, too."
"Ah gano'n?" Peke ko siyang nginitian. "Sa tingin ko may 'di tayo pagkakaintindihan dito, e. When I," my fingers motioned the quotation marks gesture, "'went at it' with Levi like you said, I was single. On the other hand, when you kissed Hazel earlier, you're engaged. So sa tingin mo, sinong morally right sa pagitan natin?"
"You're just drunk," he said.
"Ha!" I cackled. "'Yan! Wala ka nang masagot kaya 'yan na lang ang sinasabi mo! Akala ko ba matalino ka? Resident doctor at 24! May promising research! Maraming taong natulungan! Philantropist! Socially-aware! Baka nga aktibista ka pa?"
"So?"
"So why can't you defend yourself now, huh? You kissed Hazel even when you knew you were engaged! 'Di mo man lang inisip ang kapakanan ko? Na baka magselos ako? Na baka ayaw na kitang pakasalan ngayon?"
He glanced at me. "Bakit, nagselos ka ba?"
"Oo!" lakas-loob kong amin. Bigla akong naiyak kaya naitigil niya ang sasakyan. "Alam mo bang inggit na inggit na 'ko sa kaniya? Kahit noong nagpapanggap lang tayo, kinukumpara na siya ng lahat sa 'kin. Kasi ba't hindi 'di ba? From Hazel Valderrama to Sunny Vega." Umiling-iling ako. "Ang laki ng ibinaba mo."
"Hey," he said softly and caressed the tip of my shoulder. "I... never thought you felt like that."
"Because you never thought about me at all!" I spat. "Napatawad na kita pero gusto ko lang sabihin na ang gago-gago mo! After calling me a slut, aalis ka na lang bigla! Sana man lang pinadala mo 'yong bayad mo sa 'kin 'di ba?" I cried when I remembered all the bad times last year. "Sabby was sick! She has cancer and she's dying but she doesn't even know it! Tapos wala kaming pera noon! Tapos may sama ng loob pa 'ko sa 'yo! Tapos..." I trailed off.
His hand slid down to my hand. Pinagsalikop niya ang mga kamay namin. Iyak ako nang iyak kahit na ayaw kong umiyak. God. This wasn't the strong independent Sunny Vega. I wanted to stop but I couldn't. My tears were flowing down like a river from my eyes.
Part of me wanted to slap myself for how I was acting. Kasi ang useless din naman ng mga luha ko pagdating kay Ico na huhusgahan lang ako. He never empathized. He was too logical for 'feelings'.
"Shh, baby, stop crying..." alu niya.
"Ang sakit-sakit, alam mo ba? 'Yong tipong habang tinitignan ko si Sab, gusto ko na lang na itigil 'yong oras kasi... puta, kapatid ko siya, e. Mahal na mahal ko siya. Now she's dying and I can't even do anything to stop it. Wala akong magawa kundi ang magpanggap na ayos lang ako kahit ang totoo, ayoko na. Putang ina, ayoko na."
Bigla niyang hinila ang kamay ko upang mayakap ako. I couldn't remember the last time I cried this hard. Ayoko naman talagang umiyak. There's just something about Ico and his presence that could burn down the walls I built. There's something about him that tore down all the pretense and peeled out all my facades.
I was always vulnerable when it came to him and I thought it all had to do with how he was my dream. Kasi sino ba namang ayaw bumigay kapag siya na ang kasama mo? But now, as my worries drifted away inside his arms, I realized it wasn't all about him.
It was also about me.
And how I loved him so.
***
long chapter itu in fairness