"Paul?!" Eleanor gasped.
Glen rolled his eyes and looked at him.
The blonde bassist had a very serious expression on his face. He didn't look only concerned; perhaps he was also annoyed to see Eleanor, Glen and the Buzzcocks chilling in the hall while his brother was unwell, alone in his room.
"Well hello..." Glen huffed, breathing out the smoke of his cigarette "Your brother's upstairs..."
"Alone?!" Paul exclaimed, opening his eyes wide.
"Relax! It's not like he's got cancer or...!"
Paul lost his patience; he headed to Glen with firm steps and grabbed his shirt.
"Listen to me, smartass, I know that all you care about is your precious performance gone wrong and that you probably give no shits about him, but he's my fucking brother, understand this?!"
Eleanor's face came to stone in front of her friend's reaction.
Paul looked at her and took a deep breathe.
"Not even you, Eleanor...?"
"He didn't want any of us to check on him this afternoon, he explicitely claimed to want loneliness... so you might as well wait before seing him. Maybe he's sleeping" Diggle intervened, using the calmest voice.
"I don't give a damn about that, I'm his brother and all I know is that he had a fucking breakdown! I have more right to enter his room than you lot!" the bassist snapped.
"Then go to him and stop yelling, for fuck's sake!" Glen ranted, without even looking at him.
"I can't believe it..." Paul shook his head at them "What's the room?"
"106, third floor..." Eleanor replied in a whisper.
She felt intimidated by Paul's behaviour in that moment, but she could understand his aggressiveness was, in reality, just given by fear.
Though, that sentence, "Even you, Eleanor...?" had truly hurt her. She didn't want him to think she'd been negligent about Nick's status. As Diggle'd said, the boy wanted loneliness and each attempt to approach to him felt like an abuse towards him.
But were they really supposed to obey Nick's will in order to have him feel better?
Perhaps Paul's anger was justified; perhaps they all should have insisted more.
"What a dickhead..." Glen scoffed, pressing his cigarette in the ashtray in fury.
"Nick's his brother after all, Glen, understand him..." Pete huffed, seemingly worried.
"He's got no fucking right to insult and mistreat me like that!" the bassist protested.
"True that" John pointed out coldly, having Eleanor frown at him in doubtfulness.
Deep down, she stood on Paul's side. After all, Glen'd been acting in such a rude way lately, she'd never seen this side of him before, but it was surely due to the stress and frustration he had grown after the last happenings.
Paradoxically, Eleanor, the one who'd always been reckoned as "the obsessive member" of her band, was handling that situation with more calm, selflessness and seriousness than her bandmate... even if this didn't mean her waters weren't shaken.
Actually, they indeed were; perhaps the calm and coldness she showed about that situation was nothing but a sensation of desertion coming from her own body, as reaction against the last events that'd disturbed her mind: that letter, Nick, her band, her current situation with John... every certainty she had had just been turnt upside down, leaving her clueless and hopeless...
In particular, she didn't expect John to react in such a way for something so harmless like mentioning the Clash while they were simply talking... but even the way he'd looked at Paul as soon as he walked into the hall, or how he'd rather stand on Glen's side in spite of his rude talks... all of that said a lot.
She was desperately trying to find out why and how he would feel so triggered, especially while she was there by his side, sharing a room, sleeping and exploring around with nobody but him.
If it was just plain jealousy, then she'd feel profoundly deluded by the same guy who she'd always expected to be so mature and rational.
Yet, she was still there, touring with him, in spite of all her difficulties...
... atleast, so far.
Nearly thirty minutes'd past when Paul came back into the hall.
He looked more relaxed, but certainly not happier. After all, Nick was his brother and such a sudden thing like that had entirely shocked him.
Without saying a word, he put a cigarette in his mouth and before lighting it, he handed the pack to Glen, who rised his head with suspicious eyes.
"I just want to apologise for the reaction I had before... so let me offer you a cigarette" Paul huffed, sitting down next to him.
"It's fine mate... thanks for the ciggie, by the way..." the Lespers' bassist replied with apathetic voice. Probably, in his mind it was not "fine" but he'd rather not start another argument and so he pretended everything was alright for real between him and Paul.
"Though... " the blondie continued, passing his thumb on his chin "I want you to apologise too..."
Glen breathed out the smoke all at once, showing an annoyed face.
Eleanor gave him a discreet kick in the ankle to have him behave.
"I'm serious, Glen" Paul added, grabbing the boy's shoulder and looking at him in a firm look.
Now even John seemed to be somewhat annoyed... his girlfriend clearly figured out by whom.
"We were serious too when we said your brother didn't want us around, unlike you said, we have not been negligent at a-"
"Shut the fuck up, John, before it's too late" Paul cut short, glancing at him with threatening eyes.
The drummer crossed his arms and kept on staring at his foe with gelid eyes, in total silence.
"Paul... " Eleanor whispered to him, fearing the worst.
"No, Eleanor. I don't let anyone talk about my brother as if he was a fucking burden" he grunted "So, Glen?"
"Yeah, yeah I apologise, fine... I didn't mean to give you this impression, but yeah... I've been a jackass..." he rolled his eyes, but for his sake the other bassist didn't see that.
Those words sounded clearly forced, but having him apologise in front of everyone felt satisfying enough for him, as well as a bit humiliating for Glen, who wasn't acting as a twenty-three year old like him was supposed to.
"How did it go with him, Paul? How's he doing right now?" the girl asked, breaking that odd silence that'd fallen among them all of a sudden.
"Why don't you find out yourself?" he scoffed in irony.
"I don't know, Paul, you're his brother, maybe it was just you he wanted to see..." she justified timidly.
He shook his head, seemingly amused and a bit annoyed at the same time.
"You know, El... you're wrong. My brother didn't want to see me, at first, but after I insisted a bit he let me sit down on his bed and chat with him a bit... and mind you, he said that he felt better afterwards! Sometimes, all you need to do is to insist a bit..."
"Don't talk like we didn't care about him, please..." Pete sighed, but Paul pretended not to hear him.
Eleanor looked around and immediately noticed the fact she was the only who wasn't glaring at Paul. It felt like Glen and the Buzzcocks wanted him to go away as soon as possible.
"He doesn't bite, El..." the blondie chuckled, revealing that tooth gap that made his smile so unique.
"Y-Yeah, I'm going right now..." she replied in embarassment as she stood up to head to the stairs.
"Hold on, we're taking the lift" John stated, chasing his girl and inviting his bandmates to follow him.
"Altogether?" Diggle asked.
"No, I meant Eleanor and I are taking the lift" he said from afar, having the girl stop along her way. It sounded much like a command and he also showed off some attitude in his voice, but she didn't want to cause any more frustration in him in that moment; she simply turnt back and without replicating, she finally stepped into the lift.
"I know it was you to call Paul, Eleanor" John accused her with a firm expression on his face, as soon as the two doors of the lift closed in front of their faces.
Now it was just the two of them, alone; tension grew at each inch the elevator made on its way up to the third floor. To Eleanor's perception, it was going terribly slow, or better, time was... for the first time, she felt very uneasy beside John, who was just standing still, keeping that cold and firm attitude on his face. His brown eyes stared straight in front of him, as if the girl wasn't even there.
"What the fuck are you saying?!" she gasped in frustration, releasing all of that tension "Didn't you see how surprised I was to see him!?"
"Yeah, perhaps so... " he sighed "But I didn't say you necessarily called him here, though I'm pretty sure that you warned him about Nick"
"No, not even that! Stop accusing me!"
"I'm just stating the truth, as if I didn't know you!" he replicated, this time rising his voice.
"Wait, what do you mean...?"
"Nevermind" he cut short, looking away.
Eleanor took a deep breath and closed her eyes, trying to have his words just slip on her. She didn't want to feel any more stressed and hurt than she already was... especially not by John's hand, for that'd be double harmful to her.
"I said I didn't do any of that..." she said once again in a whisper.
He looked at her for a few seconds, in total silence, before he shook his head and stepped out of the lift.
He didn't believe her. How could he feel so doubtful about her?
Once again, why was he behaving that way? Was it jealousy? Or simply a childish side of him that she'd never witnessed?
John turnt out to be more touchy and peevish than she ever believed.
This time, there were no insults or mockery dropped at him. Nobody calling him "kid" or "brat" and whatnot. Just Paul's presence and his justified anger for the whole situation. Nick was his brother after all, she felt comprehensive. She couldn't stand the fact her bandmate and the other guys, John most of all, didn't feel empathetic about the situation. That was a low kick for her. A childish lament.
Indeed, she felt hurt and she hoped with all of her heart she'd soon have her old John back... and that it was just a momentaneous phase for him, due to his busy life and responsabilities.
But in the end, she had no clue.
All of them gathered again right in Nick's room, where he was contemplating the cloudy weather of Roslyn from his bed. He looked just like that sky: gray, still... depressed.
That sight made Eleanor sad.
The young boy scanned everyone entering his private space in alarm, as if they all felt like a danger to him. Or better, everyone, but Paul, who sat down next to him in reassurance. Probably, he was the only person Nick'd allow to stay that close, after all he'd known him for a lifetime, whereas the other guys... they were just new and sudden entries inside of his mild life. Perhaps, too sudden for his standards. Strangers.
This time, it'd been Eleanor to cast a pebble into his waters and she felt partly responsable for his breakdown.
Nobody even dared ask how he was doing, for it was too obvious; making any questions would have been just stupid and kind of intrusive.
Glen tried to mantein his composure and bent down to look at his bandmate in the eyes.
"Nick" he whispered "I'm sorry if I over reacted, or if I ever underestimated the circumstances. Perhaps Eleanor and I didn't take care of your stage fright enough, we thought you'd easily overcome it just like she and I did, but... well, as of now, we need to know, about your intentions with us, understand?"
Surprisingly, the Leapers' bassist sounded totally calm and paternal... another person compared to his attitude downstairs.
Paul stared at him with careful eyes, but he couldn't hide a satisfied grin for having induced Glen to behave properly.
The poor boy felt stared at by literally everyone in the room and he hesitated a bit before giving his reply.
He looked down in embarassment, focusing on the cover of the open book in his hands: "1984" by George Orwell.
A whisper came from his lips.
"I don't know"
That was all of it. No more articulated than that.
John took a deep breathe, as if he was annoyed by his answer: after all, he was involved too in a way, for he'd replaced him in their last gig, before he performed with his own band.
Glen and Eleanor looked at eachother and their eyes clearly expressed any sort of doubtfulness, uncertainty... and frustration.
They'd been dwelling about their future so much and all they needed now was just one clear answer.
"Please, Nick... We need to have a certain answer as soon as possible..." Eleanor sighed.
"Nick, they're right, I don't want to stress you but... Elean- er I mean, they both are facing remarkable difficulties too as of now..." Paul claimed frankly, patting his brother's leg.
Nick crossed his arms and moved his eyes to the ceiling... but his mouth remained shut for another while.
"Jesus, Nick, don't play the kid" John snorted impatiently. He started to find the other drummer's behaviour unbearable.
"Hey, I'm even older than you, so shut up, will you?" Nick reacted, suddenly gaining some energies back.
"Not mentally" John scoffed, shaking his head.
"Shut that bloody Mancunian mouth" Paul replied, without even turning back to look at him.
Eleanor glanced at her friend to cool him down, as well as she pinched John's arm to have him behave, but her boyfriend shook her hand off his sleeve, seemingly annoyed.
That simple gesture had the girl take a step back in awe.
In the meantime, even Pete, Diggle and Garvey were glaring at Paul for that attack against John, feeling a bit involved and triggered, even... since the three of them all came from Manchester aswell.
"Please, Nick..." the girl prayed him, showing a miserable face. She could not handle all of those uncertainties anymore. She needed atleast one clear answer, just to have one less weigh to carry on her fragile mind.
"Guys, I don't know, when I came here it's like that stage fright I had doubled, or more... this all feels so new to me, and until I was in my homeland it was more under control... but coming here, overseas, without knowing anyone, without knowing anything at all... half of the places we are supposed to go to are in cities I hadn't ever heard before! What fucking place is Roslyn?! Who'd ever even heard of it!? And in which State are we even now? I have no clue of anything, this is just overwhelming, and I know that this situation feels like a thrill for all of you six, flamboyant souls, but I'm not like you, I'm not! And to be honest, I envy you all a bit for this boldness you have inside and that you show on stage! Apparently this is not the environment I'd imagined... apparently this is not the place for me..." he let out, all of a sudden, with his eyes subtly getting wet in tears.
Paul stroked his back in reassurance, but he also needed reassurance himself. He was truly apprehensive towards Nick and this softer and incredibly sensitive side of him was something completely new to Eleanor.
"O-okay, fine mate..." Glen huffed, overwhelmed by Nick's honest words "... So... would you like to quit now? I - we don't want to force you any further in this. Really..."
Nick shrugged with empty eyes "I... I'd say I would, but maybe... once back in England... who knows, maybe I'll feel better for real"
"We are heading back to England right after this tour in the USA... next month, actually... would you like to give a try?" Pete asked timidly.
"I might... Let's see, I mean I feel a bit better now already, so... I'm confident I'll be able to give you an answer soon enough" the drummer replied in a forced smile.
"Excellent..." Glen nodded "So let's pretend this is just... another break"
"Yeah, because you needed another one, right... " John commented in bitter sarcasm, but luckily nobody heard him. Or better, Nobody but his girlfriend, whom rather shut her teeth and endured those words in resilience.
"So no more support band for the rest of the tour? Just us?" Garvey frowned.
"The fuck do you expect, Steve? No drummer means no band, that's the basis" Diggle huffed, breathing out the smoke of his cigarette.
"Not necessarily, I might play with them... even just for a bunch of songs, just like I did last time. Their album is great and it'd be a waste not to have them exploit this situation in the USA a tiny bit, especially at such an early stage of their career" John interrupted, striking everyone around him with that statement.
In spite of his kind intentions, now Eleanor was beginning to grow doubtfulness about his idea, too. She wasn't sure, there was just something that didn't bond well and she had no clue whether it was due to her current situation with John or if it was because that same bad situation with him had managed to break the illusion and have her face reality the way it was.
John was still nineteen, after all: the only teen in a group of guys in their early or even mid twenties; perhaps Eleanor'd be as optimistic as him if she was his age, but at twenty-two, now she had finally truly started to face reality more objectively, "keeping her feet on the ground".
"You can't cope with that, trust me. At first you may be able to handle it, but trust me, it will wear you out" Paul chuckled, amused by John's intentions.
"I'm a fucking Taurus, you won't change my mind... when I want something, I always succeed eventually" he snorted.
"And I'm a Sagitarius, the thoughtest of the zodiac, so you better pay attention to my words" the blonde bassist scoffed.
"I'm a Taurus too and I'm tired of debating, guys" Diggle intervened in irony "This whole thing feels more tiring than a concert"
"Exactly! This is why I don't mind performing for a bunch of times with Glen and Eleanor! It's make me feel a bit more lighthearted, actually" John echoed.
Paul remained silent. After all, what the Buzzcocks and the Leapers would be up to didn't touch him too much...
... atleast, for now.
"Fair enough, guys" Paul stood up, looking exhausted "But I want to talk to El first"
"Obviously..." John scoffed in sarcasm.
"Come to my room, El" Paul said, without paying attention to John's reaction.
"Ah ah!" the Buzzcocks' drummer exclaimed "Why your room, mh?"
"John, it's a private talk, we need loneliness..." Paul huffed, annoyed by the boy's behaviour.
"Interesting..."
"Come on John, break it off with this" Eleanor intervened, rolling her eyes.
Her boyfriend gave her an upset look.
"Then fucking go to talk in the hall of the hotel!" he snapped.
Eleanor was now looking at him with a miserable face. She'd had enough of those rude ways, which now turnt out to be directed at her too.
She stopped to even wonder why he was behaving like that. Whichever his reason may have been, she just felt hurt and frightened by him in that moment and there was no way that feeling could be sent away, atleast for a while. She felt like a sponge, absorbing all of those talks and reactions in resilience... but how far could she go?
She feared loneliness even more than John's passive-aggressive behaviour, she did not want to lose him by starting a fight.
She tried to endure all those hits and to hope he'd cool down in time, that it was nothing more than just a phase for him, due to stress or whatever else.
It was no easy time for anyone of the company, as of then.
The two friends walked down the stairs and, obeying John's command, they sat down in a quiet corner of the hall.
From afar, Eleanor could immediately spot Glen and the other boys chatting on the opposite side of the room: from time to time, John turnt his head to check on them, especially Paul, who pretended not to mind his looks.
"Why's John acting like a pain in the ass lately?" Paul scoffed, almost amused.
"I have no clue" the girl cut short, letting out a hopeless sigh, without moving her eyes from the moquette below her feet.
Paul could sense her uneasiness and took a step closer, putting his hand on her shoulder in reassurance.
"I'm sorry if I snapped before, I was quite pissed off at Glen... or better, I felt very apprehensive about Nick, you know..." he huffed, looking down in a tip of shame.
She was sure that her friend hadn't truly regretted his aggression towards Glen, but she couldn't even blame him too much. That day, both Glen and John had acted as total dickheads.
"Paul... I have to be honest... I immediately sympathized for your situation... I know what it feels like to have a brother in danger... you know where Niall is now, for istance... I'll admit that I was kind of disappointed by the other guys, especially Glen and John, of course..." she shook her head.
"Eleanor" he interrupted, finally letting out a genuine smile "No need to say any more about this, I never really doubted of you"
"But right before you said tha-"
"Once again, I was 'away in the head' in that moment, as you Northern-Irish folks would say..."
"That's good to know..." she breathed out in relief.
"But that sticks just to you. I'm pretty confident that neither Glen nor John nor anyone else out there gave any shits" the boy continued in a grimace.
Eleanor bit her lip.
"I don't know why John's acting like this today, but I can assure that he's never-"
"I don't care, Eleanor. I don't care. Once a dickhead, forever a dickhead, that's what I believe..." he cut short.
"I refuse to believe that, it's been the first time he behaved like that in over one year of relationship with him and..."
"In fact, watch out before it's too late, you're still in time... and that's the same I warned you about even while you were dating Gilbert..." he pointed out, lighting a cigarette "...by the way, did you read the let-"
"Yes Paul, but I'd not rather talk about it now, it kind of... destroyed me, also John knows nothing about it, and he never will, at this point..."
"As you want... "
The girl remained silent and looked at his elegant hands taking that cigarette to his mouth and then back down...
She didn't want to believe in Paul's last words about John; sure, she didn't blame his anger against her boyfriend, but on the other hand, after all, she was in love with John... and that played a major role in that.
In addiction, he'd just reminded her about the letter. Indeed, talking about it with someone would be therapeutic in that moment, but after all, she was speaking to Paul, the same guy her ex hated... and vice-versa. How productive would it be to reveal her feelings about the welsh boy right to him?
She felt unsecure about it... but on the other hand, she knew that she had to face that conversation on the matter with Paul, at some point.
She decided not to let her friend's judgement overwhelm her romantic life and to rather move onto another topic.
"How did you get to know about Nick?" she broke the silence, taking out the same dilemma that had John accuse her inside of the lift, that afternoon.
Paul glanced at her and smiled, as if that was the dumbest question.
"Nick"
"Ah... " she simply replied in astonishment.
"What'd you expect?" he scoffed "He barely knows any of you, he's a reserved guy and as of now I regret having pushed him into such a reckless thing... so yeah, he thought well of calling me, especially by knowing that I'd pass from here regardless... in three days we're starting our tour here and - "
"Shit! I forgot to ask you about this! So you didn't come here alone, did you?" she gasped.
"The other three motherfuckers are pissing around Roslyn" the bassist snickered "I know you can't wait to see Joe, or better... your ultimate love, Jonesy"
Eleanor elbowed him, trying to contain an embarassed and loud laughter.
"Oh, Mick sure is my favourite of them, how not... anyway, I'd rather not talk about this here" she coughed.
"Oh, afraid to make your toy-boy jealous?" he pointed out.
"Shut up!" she covered his mouth, hoping John wasn't observing them, this time.
"Anyway, I had no clue you'd start your tour from here..." she continued, getting some composure back.
The boy laughed back at her statement.
"You silly, I said this was just an emergency stop along our way, to come around Nick... our first concert is taking place at the Tribal Stomp in Monterey... in three days, in fact"
"Where the fuck is Monterey?" she frowned.
"California" he grinned in pride.
"Wait... the Buzzcocks, Glen and I are heading there too, I mean California... San Francisco and Santa Monica, around the 10th... "
"Yeah, but will you get to perform?" he looked at her with a doubtful expression.
"I... well... John said that..."
"He's too optimistic about his idea. I don't think it'd make much sense, I'm gonna be honest El..."
"What else can we do, Paul? I don't want to force Nick to perform and it's impossible to find a new musician while... touring"
"That's not true. I have one beside me right now" he smirked "Eleanor's been working for the Clash squad..." he sang, changing the verse from the Clash's song she'd recorded with them in the studio.
"Wait, what do you mean...?"
Paul took a deep breathe, as if he was about to give a political speech... or better, the best offer for Eleanor, considering how things were going for her.
One offer that'd disturb her waters... this time forever.
"Eleanor, given the bad circumstances with your own band... why don't you rather tell Glen to take a temporary break for real?"
"Why, Paul? Why do you insist so much?" she replied, a bit annoyed.
"Eleanor..." he shook his head "... would you say no even if I told you to come with us?"
The girl's heart began racing in thrill, for she'd just sensed what he was getting at.
"Wait, do you mean...?"
The bassist nodded, even before she could finish her sentence.
That emotion in her eyes already revealed more than a thousand words, as the first ripples expanded on her waters... and Fate turnt out to be, once again, a perfect match of both good and bad happenings, all incredibly linked one to the other, just like a chain...
"Yes, Eleanor... we still need a pianist to perform that song, and since Bernie's not around anymore... will you perform with us, the Clash, in Monterey?"