#HHFM Chapter 20:
Husband
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"You okay?"
Ryo shifted his gaze at me, at sa liwanag ng ilaw nila, halatang-halata ko ang pagkaputla niya. He kept on assuring me earlier that he was fine even if I wasn't asking, pero nang tinanong ko na siya, he couldn't answer. Kagagaling niya lang sa ibaba para sabihan sina Tita na aalis na kami mamayang gabi.
Hindi papayag si Tatay na wala kami roon agad kinabukasan. If we couldn't get there at most by midnight tonight, I was a hundred percent sure that my parents would be here by tomorrow afternoon. At sigurado akong galit na galit na si Tatay noon dahil sila pa ang dumayo rito. Bukod sa ayaw kong dito gumawa ng eksena sa bahay nina Tita dahil nakahihiya, Tatay's too old to get too mad.
He averted his gaze before nodding, na mukhang hindi naman bukal sa loob niya.
Raiko was on the bed, sleeping. Mabuti nga't nakatulog dahil kailangan kong mag-ayos ng gamit. I couldn't trust Ryo in preparing our luggage. He was too distracted, baka maraming makalimutan.
Mahina siyang napatawa kaya napalingon ulit ako sa kaniya. His finger was lightly tracing Raiko's hair. "Kinakabahan ako. Hindi ako prepared," he admitted.
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin sa kaniya. I couldn't just tell him that it would be easy because we were both sure that it wouldn't be. Sa kasutilan ko rin kasi na ayaw kong umuwi noong buntis ako, lalo lang maba-bad shot kay Tatay si Ryo. Baka isipin niya e sinadya ni Ryo na itago sa kaniya. When in reality, it was my choice to keep my pregnancy private. I remembered Tita urging me to tell them pero hindi ako sumunod. Besides, Ryo and I weren't really in good terms during those days.
At one point, I kind of understand my father's anger. Nag-iisa akong anak e. After graduating high school, halos ayaw pa akong pakawalan ni Tatay dahil baka raw mapaano ako kung malalayo sa kanila. I promised them that I would do good while I was away.
Kahit na hindi naman talaga, ang tingin niya kay Ryo e kaaway talaga. Na baka raw binilog lang ang utak ko para iwan din sa dulo. Katuwaan, palipasan. Knowing that we broke up, at kahit ano'ng paliwanag ko na mutual choice namin iyon, lalo lang nasira ang image ni Ryo sa kaniya. Tapos, ito, may Raiko pa. Iba pa naman ang imagination ni Tatay. Baka isiping sinadya akong buntisin o ano.
"Maaga na raw tayong mag-dinner sabi ni Mommy. Magpapaakyat na ba 'ko ng pagkain?"
"Ikaw bahala."
Hindi ako makaramdam ng gutom. If I knew that we were to go home tonight, sana bumawi ako ng tulog. This would be my first time traveling with Raiko, at hindi ako sigurado kung ano ba ang dapat at hindi dapat gawin. Baka pagdating sa amin, bagsak na lang ako sa kama sa sobrang pagod.
I was done packing my things and Ryo's, but I was nowhere near done with Raiko's. Pakiramdam ko, may makalilimutan akong importante. I'm sure we could just do stopovers in case we need something, but doing that means more time on the road. Mainipin si Tatay. Kapag natagalan kami, magigisa si Ryo lalo. I honestly have no idea on what to do anymore.
I heard him sigh. Nanahimik na siya pagkatapos. I wanted to tell him to get some sleep, but I think that would be useless. He'd be too nervous to put himself to sleep. Mabuti pa si Raiko, ang sarap ng tulog.
I wasn't sure on how much time had passed. I was rechecking Raiko's essentials and texting Nanay when I felt Ryo creeping behind me. "Tama na 'yan. Okay na 'yan. Bumili na lang tayo kung may nakalimutan ka."
I paused. One of his arms snaked around my waist. Ramdam ko ang kabog ng dibdib niya sa lapit niya sa akin, or maybe it was my own jitters because of two things: him meeting my father and our lack of distance.
Napapikit at napailag ako nang bahagya nang ipatong niya ang ulo sa balikat ko. The ends of his hair felt prickly on my skin. Hindi pa siya nagpapagupit.
"Kain na tayo," I told him because I suddenly felt my hunger when I stopped being busy.
"Okay, mag-aakyat na 'ko ng pagkain," he whispered on my shoulders. I ruffled his hair before he stood up and left to get us food.
The two of us remained silent while eating. I was too busy calculating the hours it would take for us to get there, considering our need to take stopovers if necessary. Paniguradong pareho kaming puyat.
What about the driver? Kailangan pa nilang magpalitan ni Ryo. Maybe we need to stop at an inn for an hour if we really need a short rest.
While I was taking a quick rest, Ryo opened his luggage. Hindi ko na lang pinansin dahil baka itse-check niya lang kung kompleto.
Bandang alas-siyete kami inakyat ng driver nila para tulungan si Ryo sa mga gamit namin. I didn't bring much because I still have clothes back at my parents'. Pero ang mga gamit nina Raiko at Ryo, medyo marami.
"Wala na bang kulang?" tanong ni Ryo, nasa may pintuan at bitbit ang bag ko.
"Wala na," I answered, shaking my head. Tumango lang siya bago hilahin pasara ang pinto.
Raiko was still sleeping, but I knew that he would wake up the moment we were on the road. Ayaw niya ng malikot, pero ayaw niya rin ng walang bumubuhat sa kaniya. His crib was full of thick blankets to keep it extra warm so he would feel like someone was carrying him kahit naman wala.
Matagal akong tumitig kay Raiko. Imposibleng magalit si Tatay sa bata, at imposibleng kalimutan niyang anak niya ako dahil lang sa nagkaapo siya sa akin nang maaga. I'm confident to say that my father loves me too much to disown me. Plus, Raiko's too cute. Sana lang, sapat iyon para mapaamo kahit paano si Tatay.
Pagbaba ko, narinig ko si Raianne na nagrereklamo kay Tito. She wanted to come with us, but she still had a month left of school. Kung sakali mang tumagal kami sa amin nang dalawang buwan, puwede namang pumunta si Raianne at humabol.
I pulled Raiko's cap to cover his ears, as if it were enough to block Raianne's high pitched whining. Tumahimik din naman nang bahagya sa salas nang makita nila kami. Unfortunately for them, Raiko was asleep kaya hindi nila malaro kahit bago kami umalis.
A customized trailer van was already waiting for us outside. There was a row of seats behind the driver's where our bags were placed. May hinila si Ryo sa ilalim ng cushion seat na nagdurugtong sa dalawang upuan sa likod, making the rest of the back of the car seem like a bed.
"Wala na kayong naiwan?" tanong ni Tito na nakaabang sa pag-alis namin.
Si Ryo ang sumagot, "Wala na, 'Dy. Sunod kayo agad bukas."
Natawa si Tito roon. "Gusto mo, ngayon na e. Galingan mo ro'n, ha? 'Wag mo kaming ipahihiya ni mommy mo."
Bahagya akong nahiya roon. They all have to try so hard to please my side; pero ako, tinanggap nila agad nang walang tanong-tanong. It seemed unfair for them, pero wala naman akong narinig na reklamo sa kanila tungkol sa attitude at trust issues ng tatay ko kahit na kailan.
And then we were off.
Ryo was still silent. My leg was stretched across the cushion, my back against the row of seats in front, my feet landing on his thigh. Nakatiklop ang tuhod niya at sa may pinto nakapuwesto, nagpupumilit magkasya sa lapad ng van. I told him to sit beside me and try to sleep, pero hindi niya ako pinansin.
I've seen Ryo nervous. I heard him stutter when he asked for my number. I've known how he'd act whenever he's worried about a game. I've been familiar with how cold his fingers would turn whenever he's scared. Pero iba pa rin talaga ang takot niya sa tatay ko. Parang kahit ako nga na mismong anak, hindi matapatan ang takot niya kay Tatay.
Kahit na bahagya akong nakikiliti sa gaspang ng kamay niya, hindi ko na siya sinita sa magaang pagpisil-pisil at pagmasahe niya sa binti ko. Maybe he was trying to distract himself.
Ayaw ko talaga ng pagod tuwing bumibiyahe. Iyong kahit parang nakaupo ka lang, sobra-sobra ang panghihina ng katawan. An hour passed and my arms already felt sore. Naglatag si Ryo ng kumot sa isang gilid para lang mailapag ko kahit saglit si Raiko. Nga lang, wala pang isang minuto sa pagkakalapag ay pumalahaw na agad.
"Sige na, ako na muna," agap ni Ryo bago ko pa mabuhat ulit ang bata. He sat beside me and didn't give me a chance to argue. I stretched my arms before checking my phone. Tumatawag si Nanay.
I glanced at Ryo before answering the call. "Nay . . . " pambungad ko.
"Ceskang."
Napaayos agad ako ng upo. There was an edge on her voice. Maybe to others, mas nakakatakot nga si Tatay kung magalit. He was very vocal and harsh. Pero para sa akin, mas nakakatakot kapag si Nanay ang sumasama ang loob sa akin. She rarely speaks about her disappointments, and I didn't like the feeling whenever she would give me her cold shoulder treatment.
"Po?" kinakabahan ko nang tanong.
"Gusto ng tatay mong pumunta kami riyan. Saan daw ba kayo nakatira ngayon ni Ryo?"
I massaged my temples. Ito na nga ba ang sinasabi ko. I told Tatay that we would go home tonight before I ended the video call, pero siyempre pások sa isang tainga, labas sa kabila.
"Kami na po ang pupunta riyan. Nasa biyahe na po kami," I said which made Ryo look at me.
"E, anong oras kayo makararating? Madaling-araw? Aayusin ko pa ang kuwarto mo. Magpapakuha ba ako ng kuna sa tatay mo?"
"Siguro po, mga alas-sais, nandiyan na kami."
"Sige na. Mag-ingat kayo. Kakausapin ko 'yang si Ryo pagdating n'yo rito."
Pinatay niya agad ang tawag bago pa ako makapagpaalam. I sighed. I already saw this coming, pero hindi pa rin ako fully prepared. Kahit yata ipaliwanag ko sa kanilang choice kong hindi muna sabihin sa kanila, hindi sila maniniwala at kay Ryo ibabaling ang sisi.
Sumabay pa ang mga iniisip ko sa pagod. An hour later, Raiko fell asleep after I breastfed him. Ryo tried to lay Raiko down back on the blanket and fortunately, hindi naman nagising at nagligalig. Kahit pagod, napangiti ako nang makitang halikan niya sa ilong ang anak namin. Sigurado akong alam ni Tatay na puwede siyang magalit kung hanggang kailan niya gusto, but he couldn't change the fact that Ryo's the father of my child and the only person I could see myself growing old with.
"Inaantok na ako," I told Ryo before laying my back on the cushion and stretching my legs. Patagilid akong humiga at sumiksik sa may tagiliran niya. Hindi yata siya makahiga dahil hindi na kami magkakasya. He needed to fold his legs to fit in the van.
"'Tulog ka na," he whispered. I felt one of his hands reach for my thigh, urging me to put one of my legs over his so I did. Pumikit na ako at ipinahinga ang mata.
"Hindi ka nagugutom?" he asked. Ramdam ko ang daliri niya sa buhok ko. He was going to be so tired after this. Dalawa pa kami ni Raiko na binabantayan niya. Plus, baka kailanganin nilang mag-switch ng driver nila mamaya. Pagdating pa sa amin, hindi ko alam kung hahayaan ba siya ni Tatay na payapang matulog.
"No, antok lang," I mumbled.
Malapit na akong tuluyang makatulog nang magsalita siya muli. "Frankie?"
"Hm?" I scooted closer to him. I feel kind of cold.
"I love you."
Napamulat agad ako doon. I wanted to sit down and talk about it but he covered my eyes with his palm.
"Matulog ka muna," he said, chuckling a bit at the end of his sentence. "Mahal pa rin naman kita bukas."
"Okay," I said, nodding, trying to keep the erratic heartbeats silent. Natagalan bago niya tanggalin ang palad niyang tumatakip sa mata ko.
I moved closer to him, both because I was cold and because my cheeks felt like they were caught on fire. His hand flew to my arm, rubbing it gently for heat. And I finally fell asleep.
***
When I woke up, Ryo was not beside me. Raiko was still in his place, with pillows stacked around him. I was not aware of how much time had passed.
Pagkaupo ko, nakita ko kaagad ang driver nila na katabi ang mga bagahe namin. Nakatungo at nakahalukipkip, umiidlip yata.
"Ryo?" I called. Humugong siya mula sa driver's seat.
"Tigil muna tayo? Para makatulog 'yung driver n'yo nang maayos, and I need to clean Raiko up."
Hindi siya sumagot. He just showed me a thumbs up. Umayos na ako ng pagkakaupo at kinuha ang maliit na bag ni Raiko, making sure that everything I need for cleaning him up was there. A few minutes later, Ryo pulled over.
Ryo got a room for us and a seperate one for their driver. Pagkarating namin sa kuwarto, kahit na gusto ko na lang humiga sa kama, hindi ko naman magawa. Ryo also looked like he wanted to sleep, but he wanted to help me. Papikit-pikit na siya habang nililikom ang mga gamit nang cotton balls.
"You should sleep, Ryo. Kahit twenty minutes lang," I told him. Nakatulog naman na ako kanina kaya kahit hindi na ako umidlip ngayon. Hindi rin naman ako magmamaneho, kaya puwede akong matulog ulit at sabayan si Raiko mamaya.
"Magkakape na lang ako," he said, which was then followed by a yawn. Puwede naman na yata silang magpalit ulit ng driver nila.
"No. Matulog ka mamaya sa sasakyan."
He frowned, halatang ayaw sumunod, o baka gusto lang talaga niya ng kape. Sa huli, tumango rin naman siya.
Pagkabalik namin sa sasakyan, lumabas din ang pagod ni Ryo na pilit niyang itinatago kanina. Paglapat ng likod niya sa kutson, tulog siya agad. Mahina pa nga siyang humahagok at nakanganga pa nang bahagya. I wanted to take a picture of him, but my arms were full.
I wanted to ask him about what he told me earlier, but that could wait. It was not like we were going to run out of time together.
Nakaidlip na rin ako nang hindi ko namamalayan. Paputol-putol nga lang kaya medyo masakit sa ulo. Malapit na kami sa amin nang saglit kaming mag-stopover para kumain.
"Nganga," sabi ni Ryo at inilapit sa akin ang kutsara niya. Bukas ang pinto ng van at hindi na ako bumaba dahil buhat ko pa si Raiko. Nasa labas kami ng all-day diner at bitbit ni Ryo ang pinag-take-out-an. Ang driver nila, nasa harapan at doon kumakain.
I'm not sure if people here didn't know who Ryo was, or they just didn't recognize him when he looked like this. Gusot na ang T-shirt niya ay mukhang pagod kahit na kagigising lang. Nakabungkos pa sa sanrio na pink ang buhok niya dahil naiirita siya kapag tumutusok sa mata niya.
"Malapit na tayo, 'no? Kinakabahan na talaga ako," natatawa niyang sabi, pero alam kong totoo ang kaba niya.
"We'll be fine," I told him even if I was as nervous as him. It's not going to be easy, knowing my father's temper, but we'll be fine. Hindi ako papayag na hindi.
Pagbalik namin sa daan, halata kong hindi na talaga siya mapakali. He was curled up while hugging my thigh. I tried to distract him by talking about my work and Cali's relationship with Nate. Mukha namang effective pero tuwing matatahimik kami, bigla siyang umuungot na parang maiiyak na bata. It was like I'm taking care of two babies at once.
"Sa'n ako magtitigil pagkarating sa inyo?" he asked.
Lumabi ako. "Hindi ka papayagan sa kuwarto ko. Unless, gusto mong akyatin ni Tatay ang bintana ko para hilahin ka palabas."
He frowned. "May anak na nga tayo't lahat-lahat, bawal pa ring tabi sa kama?"
I chuckled at that. Dalawa lang naman ang options niya: i-occupy ang libre pa naming kuwarto o kapag hindi pa rin siya pinayagan, rerenta siya ng kuwarto sa malalapit na inn. Hindi naman ako papayag doon sa huli. I don't want Ryo away. Tatay needs to put up with my choice, anyway. And I'm choosing Ryo. Tatay would need time to fully accept him, of course.
"Kailan kaya tayo makakauwi? Pauuwiin ka pa ba sa 'min?" Tiningala niya ako.
I nodded. "I have work. And I submitted an application at a different company. Next month na siguro ang response nila ro'n. Ang problema natin, sino'ng mag-aalaga kay Raiko."
"Puwede naman siyang sa bahay, kasama ni Mommy. Saka . . . ikaw. Do'n ka na rin sa 'min. 'Wag ka nang bumukod."
"Nakakahiya sa parents mo." Kumikita naman ako ng pera. Ayaw ko rin namang masanay na nakadepende sa pamilya niya. How could we learn if we would always depend on his parents? They wouldn't be here forever.
"E di, kumuha tayo ng bahay. Magsabi ka lang."
Napailing na lang ako. I know that Ryo could afford the two of us a house even without depending on his parents' money. But I wanted to pay my own share, at hindi ko pa iyon kaya sa ngayon.
"Aren't you going back to basketball? Kung tayong dalawa lang, wala pala talagang mag-aalaga kay Raiko. Unless, iiwan natin siya lagi sa inyo."
Umiling siya. "Ayoko muna."
Kumunot ang noo ko roon. "What? Why?"
Lalo siyang nagsumiksik sa akin. "Kayo muna'ng uunahin ko."
"Sigurado ka?" I asked, worried that he was already sacrificing one of his biggest dreams for me and for Raiko.
Totoo namang minsan, nakakasama ng loob ang pakiramdam na parang pinipilit ko na lang ang sarili ko sa mundo't oras niya, but I didn't want him to give up his dreams for me. I broke up with him partly because I felt like I was slowing him down. All I wanted was for him to learn to balance things.
"Oo. Saka ang tagal ko nang walang laro. 'Di na yata ako marunong." He chuckled. "Expert na lang akong magpatahan ng bata."
"So . . . you'd prefer to stay home and take care of Raiko while I work?"
Tumango siya. "May office work si Daddy na sa 'kin 'pinapasa. Ako ang panganay e. Puwede ko namang sa bahay gawin 'yon. Minsan-minsan lang ako kailangan sa office 'pag tatawagin ni Tita Fio."
Napatango na lang ako. Then it suddenly hit me that we were already talking about having a house and living together when we have not even discussed our relationship. I thought he would ask me about trying again, pero talagang binigla lang niya ako at bigla siyang nag-I love you nang walang warning. I thought he would ask me if I feel the same. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung ayaw niya lang akong ma-pressure o ina-assume niya nang nire-reciprocate ko ang feelings niya.
"Tell me if you change your mind," I said. I didn't want him to tie himself to a life he thought he wanted pero hindi pala. Kung magbago ang isip niya after one month, or kahit mamaya, ayos lang. We'd figure things out together.
"Hm, parang hindi na magbabago." He lifted himself up with a grunt, stretching his neck afterwards. "Gusto ko na lang maging househusband forever."
House . . . husband?
We were not even married yet.
Should I make the first move and ask for his hand in marriage?
Baka himatayin siya kung sakali. He can be dramatic at times.
Bumalik ang medyo napawi niyang kaba nang tumigil na ang van. I know we were just a few minutes away from our house. Mahihirapang lumabas ang van kaya hindi na ipinasok nang todo-todo. Marami kasing bata sa labas at mga tricycle.
Their driver lifted the door and Ryo helped me to get outside. Sumisilip na ang liwanag at may mga bata na ngang naglalaro sa gawa-gawa nilang court. They paid me no attention.
Malakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko. It feels nice to be back, but I know that there's trouble waiting for me at home.
Binaba na nila ang mga gamit namin. Ryo was holding my luggage and Raiko's, while their driver was pulling his. We could walk, pero puwede rin namang mag-tricycle para hindi na kami ihahatid pa ng driver nilang mukhang pagod na.
Ryo was standing beside me, waiting for a tricycle to pull over. Sigurado naman akong mayroong darating. I looked at him and caught him too busy watching the kids play with the ball. Hindi mapakali ang paa niyang panay ang tapik sa lupa. Kabado.
Gumulong ang bola malapit sa kaniya nang mabitiwan ng isang bata. Yumuko siya at dinampot iyon. I thought he would give it back to the kid, but he threw it even further. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko roon. Sumama ang tingin ng bata sa kaniya. He grinned.
"Stop being mean. Baka mamaya, ma-karma ka," I reminded him. Bumalik ang simangot niya.
Sa likod siya ng tricycle sumakay habang nakakarga sa loob kasama ko ang mga bagahe namin. When I was finally able to see the façade of our house, my heart felt like it was going to jump out from my chest and run away out of fear.
Nang makita ko si Tatay na nasa labas na, nakaupo sa bangkong sigurado akong siya rin ang gumawa habang katabi si Louie na kumakain ng pan de sal, napadasal ako nang wala sa oras. Agad na tumalim ang tingin ni Tatay nang tumigil ang tricycle na sinasakyan namin. Nasilip agad ako ni Louie na tumayo para kunin ang mga bagahe sa loob.
I didn't go to Tatay yet. Hinintay ko si Ryo na sigurado akong kahit hindi ko pa nahahawakan, malamig na ang mga daliri.
"'Tay. . . ." The last time I was this nervous in front of him was when I had to introduce Ryo as my boyfriend.
Inilapag niya ang tasa sa mahabang upuan. Bumaba ang tingin niya kay Raiko bago lumingon kay Ryo na parang naging bato na sa tabi ko.
"Good morning po, 'Tay." Dinig ko ang nginig sa boses niya.
Nalukot ang mukha ni Tatay bago siya tumayo. "'Wag mo 'kong ma-tatay-tatay, hindi kita anak," sermon niya, bago tumalikod. My heart dropped after hearing that. Maybe this would be a lot more difficult than I thought.
"Tumuloy kayo sa loob," aniya, bago pumihit paharap ulit sa amin. His stare lingered at Raiko.
I sighed. Tutulong na sana si Louie sa bagahe namin at siya na ang magbibitbit ng gamit ko nang biglang magsalita pa si Tatay. "'Wag mo 'yang tulungan, Louie. Kaya 'yang buhatin ng bumuntis sa anak ko."
Masama ang tingin niya kay Ryo bago tumalikod ulit at pumasok na sa loob.