Chapter Song: One of Those Days (Piano version) - Gabrielle Aplin
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The wind gently tugs at the strands of my hair. Swirling it around my head as it remains bowed. Blonde strands block my view, but I don't move. I let them tangle and sway around me. Proof of life dancing around my eyelids whilst I watch death resting in my lap. The gentle wind doesn't do anything to stop the burning inside of me. Whilst my hair reacts instantaneously to it, my soul only burns brighter with every passing moment.
My hands are cold, but I don't move. Flexing them would mean moving and I dont think I'll ever move again. The past eight years of my life have been dedicated to moving, but in this instant, every muscle has disappeared. My body, so trained for orders is disobeying the commander: my mind. I know I should move; I'm screaming inside until my voice is raw but my body still doesn't move.
Through the numb fog of my brain, my eyes trace over Ruby. Her shut eyes are still, not scrunching like they do when she sleeps. A straight nose leads right down to her lips which have lost their color, a thin white line across a face which should be shining with youthfulness and prosperity. Any signs of life are gone – but that doesn't mean I am.
I sit with her in my lap, my legs tucked under me. Hunched over her body, I feel a primal urge to protect her. Such a small body, fragile in every sense, should not be handled by anyone but me. Her small hand is still in my own, but I'm holding onto it in desperation now. Willing her to wake up and giggle and push me back. Laugh and wrap her skinny arm around my waist. Guide me into the canteen and complain about the food.
Instead she lies still. Her chest not moving anymore from the defeat of the battle against death. Its won. Ruby's body has held up the white flag.
I flinch when a hand lands on my shoulder. Jerking back from the contact, I look up to see Leonardo looking down at Ruby. He bites his lips as his eyebrows draw together in concern. He cannot be feeling the gut-wrenching pain that I am. Maybe he is. Leonardo's known Ruby longer than me.
A minute passes as we both look at Ruby. As I come back to my senses, the smell of smoke fills my nostrils. I don't like it. Any attackers seem to have left or been killed so it's only the camp left. Most people are inside – or dead, I realize with a jolt – so only the medical people are left on the field. Their white jackets startling against the scorched ground.
Leonardo moves and sits down beside me. He takes my hand that's clasped around Ruby's and for one moment, we're all connected. I have never wanted something to last longer in my life. I whimper as he removes my hand from hers. Gentling placing Ruby's hand to the ground, I go to grab it again when Leonardo takes my hand in both of his. The warmth of life feels unusual after Ruby's cold body.
"You need to come inside, Auds." He whispers slowly to not startle me. I wonder if I look at petrified as I feel.
I shake my head in rebuttal. "I'm not leaving her."
"You have to," I begin to open my mouth but he continues before I can refuse his point. "The medical soldiers will look after her."
I stay silent, it will get my point across better than words can.
Leonardo allows me another five minutes on the ground, holding my hand and staying patient. We don't talk the whole time but, in my head, I apologize to Ruby over and over. I failed her. This is my fault.
Shifting, Leonardo drops one of my hands to wrap it around my upper arm. He lifts me gently but my legs give out anyway. I'm almost crumpled against the ground when his arm wraps around my waist, pulling me up beside his body that acts as a pillar of support.
He murmurs a gentle, "C'mon." Before guiding me through the field and back into camp. I keep my eyes on the sky the whole time, unable to see anymore dead bodies after staring at Ruby's for what feels like my entire lifetime.
Leonardo keeps both of his hands on me as support as we make our way through the canteen. Everyone seems to be gathered there, but he keeps walking. Leading us to the bathroom in the residential corridor, he shuts the door behind us when he discovers it's empty. With a definitive click of a lock, he moves slowly towards me as if he's afraid I'll lash out. I don't have any energy to do that.
Rubbing both of his hands slowly up and down my arms, he whispers, "You need a shower."
I look down to see my clothes caked in Rubys blood. The same liquid that kept her alive, now just something to wash away. I bite my lip and nod, keeping my eyes down.
Leonardo lets out a relieved sigh, stepping back before guiding my t-shirt over my head. I lift my arms when he says before stepping out of my trousers. I feel like a child again. Leaving my underwear on, he moves and turns a shower on, testing it with his hand under the stream until he's satisfied.
"This will help." He smiles gently at me, urging me forward.
The water feels painful on my head. I step away from it and look him in the eye, his blue gaze meeting mine instantaneously with a worry that would usually hurt my heart.
"Can you help me?"
His gaze widens in shock. My admission of needing help is as startling to him as it is to me, but I can't find it in me to be independent right now. How strange.
"Of course." He answers softly. Stepping out of his equally ruined clothes, Leonardo leaves his underwear on before stepping into the cubicle with me.
It's a tight space so we end up chest-to-chest without even meaning to. Leonardo urges me under the shower head when I shake my head.
"It hurts." I whisper meekly.
Without hesitation, he stands under it and cups water in his hands, using it to wash away the blood painted across my arms and chest. It feels good, the warmth, against the coldness of death. He keeps going until I'm clean. When he moves to stop the water, I place a hand on his chest and start washing away the blood splashed on his shoulder. His hands are as bad as mine, so I take one and massage it gently, watching the red water run off into the drain.
We stand for minutes in silence, my head down because his face brings too much pain to me. But the urge never leaves me and eventually I look up to meet his eye. They're already on me.
"I used all of my knifes. I should've kept them and taken him out."
"I got him; I was right behind you." He reassures, running a thumb across my jaw.
Water drips from his hair so I push it back and run my hand over his bruised cheekbone. I let my hand drop when the pain comes crashing back in. "She's dead, Leo."
Leonardo wraps both of his arms around my body and drags me into him, closing the tiny space between us. Resting his cheek against my head, I turn my head into the hollow of his neck and whimper quietly. I hope he doesn't hear it, but I can't find it in me to care once the tears start.
The shower hides my pain as it rolls down my cheeks in glimmering balls of defeat. It doesn't mask the sobs ripping free of my chest, however. I've been in pain in my life, but I don't know if I'll survive this. It's more than grief, it feels as though its part of my identity. Will this pain ever ease?
Leonardo holds me through all of it and only moves back once my body has stopped shaking. "You're going to get through this."
I bite my lip and shift on my feet, a ridiculous task in the tight space. "She told me to be strong."
"Which you are," He smiles, but his eyes are a whisper of silent devastation.
Leonardo turns off the shower and guides me out of the cubicle. Handing me a spare towel, I wrap it around myself before walking back to my room. My original clothes are still caked in Ruby's blood and, after all of my sobbing, the sight of them makes me physically sick.
Nobody is in the corridor, but I can hear the reassuring tone of those whispering to each other through the doors. It helps ease the coldness chilling my veins. Once I'm safely inside, I grab a pair of shorts and an over-sized t-shirt before crawling into bed. The covers are cold, much like the room – missing the spark of Ruby.
My thoughts bring tears to my eyes so I block them off with as much efficiency and control as I can muster. Leonardo comes back to my room in all black – mourning silently. I tap the spot beside me in bed and he sits down beside me, gathering my body into his arms. I doubt I've ever felt safer.
"Is there many causalities?" I question, my voice breaking.
Leonardo sighs, his body decompressing with the weight of death. "We don't know yet. The bodies will need to be sorted into Marchwood and Oakwood. We'll see from there."
"Not many people had weapons." I point out, wincing at the thought of the burned fields.
Leonardo glances at me. "They were trained by you, though. We had the surprise of that on our side. Oakwood probably thought we would be useless."
I don't want to mention that most of Oakwood was also trained by me – for seven years. Everything I learnt was passed onto them, or at least, how much I was willing to give away. My methods are ruthless, there's no way around that. I shut my eyes when I think about my training being used to kill the people I love.
"The explosives?" I question.
"Probably a surprise tactic. Get it over quicker. They must've had to build them from scratch," Leonardo whispers, dropping the atmosphere of the room into a reassuring quiet.
~~~~
My eyes flutter open with curiosity, the thickness of sleep coating me with a heavy guard against the world. It crumbles as soon as I'm aware of where I am. The room is empty, Leonardo's spot cold. He must've pulled the covers over me when I passed out from grief. Greif I won't acknowledge. Not yet.
The light outside is slowly fading, I must've only been asleep for about an hour. Pulling back the covers, I ignore the hollowness in my chest and pull on a normal t-shirt. Dressed appropriately for camp, I pull my door back with my breath held. Silence greets me.
Breathing slowly, I reorganize my thoughts so that when I turn the corner into the canteen my stoic face has clicked back in. Any trace of emotion is gone. It barely holds up when I take in the bodies, both living and dead, crammed into the canteen. First aid kits stand out like lightening against the stormy sky of their attempt to heal some of the damage. Basing off the amounts of discarded bandages thrown around, I'm doubtful that theyve been useful.
Making my round the perimeter of the room, I spot Isaac and Leonardo with a sigh of relief. Making my way over, Leonardo's eyes widen with surprise. I send him a shaky smile as I make my way over, a silent communication that I've backed away from the verge of a breakdown.
"Hi," I say, slightly breathless. "Anything I can do?"
Isaac runs a hand over his jaw, his eyebrows drawn together. Blood paints his clothes, obviously from others. "I don't even know what to do to help. Jesus, how did this happen?"
I fall silent as I think about my original camp. Its always been run by Mr. Harold and now, with knowledge of Marchwood's democracy, I wonder if the dictatorship has caused friction within the camp. Maybe our victory in The Pen was the final grain of salt that sent them over the edge. Oakwood has always been fiercely competitive, its that environment that's probably to blame for my cut-throat opinion over defense soldiers.
"Maybe they decided it was time for a change?" I suggest, shrugging.
"With death?" Leonardo questions. With a harsh voice, his soft eyes soften the blow. The hidden link of adoration passing silently between us as our gazes clash.
"That's the only way they know. You remember me when I was first transferred."
Nearly took my head off when I was being nice, Isaac huffs. "Do you think that's it?"
I press my lips into a thin line, rocking on my heels. "I think so. I don't see any other reason why they would do something so aggressive like this with no warning. Oakwood took the frustration about their own camp out on us."
"Christ. Okay, I'll go report to Evelyn." Isaac murmurs before leaving us and crossing the room, followed by pleading looks from every soldier.
I blanch at the thought of Evelyn. Does she know? Scanning the room, I see her wiping her eyes with her sleeve before moving onto the next person. She doesn't just look morose, there's a heartbreak etched onto her face. She must know. Evelyn cares about Ruby more than anyone. More than Robert. I've only known Ruby for a few months, Evelyn has known her for eight years.
Practically swaying on my feet, I try to block out the darkness blooming across my chest. Turning to face Leonardo, I press up on my toes to press a quick kiss onto his mouth. He responds and breaks it with a grateful look.
"Good luck." I murmur before moving into the abyss of soldiers myself.
The only thing I can physically do tonight is help. Standing in the bloodied mess of the canteen, I take a deep breath and plunge into the responsibility of helping people.
~~~~
Author's Note:
A little theme of this chapter which I really liked!
A sad chapter overall, though! What did you think of Ruby's final moments in the book? Leonardo reassuring Audrey and looking after her?
I was actually going to end the chapter at Audrey falling asleep but then I remembered who she was and knew that leaving the camp to deal with the casualties is just not how she rolls :)
Have a great weekend!
Much love,
Jade x