I return to my cot - empty, cold, not unlike the one I'd slept on in the Facility.
I'd thought for certain Della would have laughed at my pathetic attempt to be like one of her soldiers, but she hadn't. She'd just stood there, eyes boring into mine as cracks in that unnerving gunmetal gray gaze of hers showed slivers of compassion or empathy or whatever it was Della could feel.
Flopping back onto the bed, staring at a ceiling, the reality of what I'd done, and what I'd committed myself to comes crashing down. Was this sensation of overwhelming pressure, squeezing on my insides like a compactor, what it felt like to have the whole world collapse on you?
At the very least, Mara and Sam would be safe and I'd ensure the others were kept safe too. A leader was someone who came back a little less dead than her troops, Della had told me. But that was a half-truth. A leader was also someone who was willing to not come back at all if it meant saving a fellow soldier.
12:02:00
Closing my eyes, I heave a sigh and tug the covers up to my shoulders. A soldier couldn't be useful without their sleep. Just this once, I hope my nightmares aren't plagued by the dead boy's eyes.
...
Today's breakfast potatoes and gravy are the things of nightmares, much like Mara's snoring. At Ellie's hand, the potatoes had been burnt, crispy cubes more akin to charcoal bricks than food, the gravy lumpy, gray snot. The whole meal has the appeal of an oozing pustule and as I jab my fork at the gravy, watching as it jiggles in response, I'm thankful for my lack of appetite.
My mood doesn't have any adverse effects on the others' appetites. They eat with the voracity of starving animals, grinding potatoes into mush and slurping down the congealed gravy. Sam shovels a heap of potato into his mouth, chomping down gleefully as brown bits stick to the corners of his lips.
"It's going to be so awesome having you back," he says, running a sleeve over his mouth to mop up some gravy that's clung to his chin like toothpaste. "You missed so much! The Brights are awesome! They have so many V-cafes, and everyone's always walking around on the Net. I got to play an online racing game." He puffs out his chest. "After we'd delivered Elysium of course." He leans over the table, a grin spreading. "I won."
"Wish I could have been there," I say. Sam stops rubbing his forehead and blinks. His smile slowly returns. "I'd have bet on you, against all odds."
Sam slaps the table, his cheeks puffing out like a squirrel whose stuffed to capacity. Scooping up a forkful of gravy, the mass trickling down the prongs in true slo-mo fashion, he says, "And you would have won too. A ton of creds. "
Mara smiles and I chuckle.
"who knows, maybe I will," I say. This coaxes one of Mara's bell-like laughs from her lips.
Right as Sam's about to rebuke my last comment, Sin surfaces, plodding in from downstairs, where he'd undoubtedly been worked as the pack mule the Codas see him as. He's sporting a pair of dirty overalls, cuffs rolled up to mid-calf, sleeves were torn off. Either for mobility or because Sin felt like it. His biceps glisten under a sheen of sweat, grease streaking down his chins and tinting his fingertips gray.
"Jae-beom!" Sam jumps to his feet and begins flailing like a beached squid. "Over here!"
I turn toward Mara. "Jae-beom? Now he's managed to remember Sin's identity?"
Mara nods, her eyes brimming with familial pride.
"Huh." I rest my chin on my fist. "One-upped by Sam."
Mara turns to face me. "You say something?"
I shake my head. "Nothing important. Just that Sam's really coming into his own."
Mara's smile breaks open, spilling out warmth and joy all over the place. "He really likes the Brights." She leans in. "All the lights and games. It's like an amusement park from the past." Her eyes dazzle. "When we walk under the tube ways, we imagine they're as roller coasters."
I nod. She was right. The Brights crammed enough lights and adverts to make your head explode from stimulus overload, much the same as an amusement park. Only, those parks came without mercenary outfits, drug runners, rival gangs, and a whole slew of other dangers waiting to gobble you up.
"Sit here," Sam says patting the free seat on his right. Sin smiles and puts his tray down on the table.
When his gaze lands on me, his smile broadens. "Didn't expect to see you eating here."
"Ellie always brought breakfast to the lab after you guys left for the Sect. With that kind of room service, there wasn't really a need to eat with the masses."
"Sequestering yourself away, huh?" Sin picks up his fork and taps it on the edge of the tray. "Not the best way to deal with your problems."
I shrug. "I'm not trying to deal with my problems." I get up from the table, tray in hand. Sam and Mara follow my movement with a shared curiosity. Sin shovels another heap of beans into his mouth. "Avoidance," I say as I turn to head back into the kitchen. "Is an invaluable skill. One I happened to have mastered." Grinning, I wave them a hand and make for the double doors.
"Where are you going?" Sam yells.
"I've got a few things to get ready before we leave."
...
"You leave soon?" David leans against the table on the far wall,
before I could answer I heard a two hard knocks sound we're pulled back into our reality.
I smack him on the back and flash a grin, "At least she's taken to knocking," I say. Then, louder, I add, "Come in, Ellie."
The doorknob twists and with a creak, the door opens. Ellie strides into the room, dressed to Codas -nines. Her boots polished, her cargos wrinkle-free, her long-sleeved turtleneck, tucked in at the waist. "Commander told me to come to get you." She salutes.
I smile, fingers wrapping around my bag's shoulder strap. David gave me the pills and shove them deep into the shallow pockets of my jeans. "Ready when you are."
Ellie drops the salute and motions to the door. I follow her. "Keep an eye on the twins for me," I call to David.
"They're not coming?"
I turn around, shake my head. "No. That's the thing when you make a deal with a devil, you always get something in return for stomping through hell."
David nods, and then, as he's gotten used to doing, the corners of his mouth turn upward. There's that smile, that awkward, warm smile. I turn away from him and head upstairs with Ellie, the door shutting behind me. David had his work to do and I had mine.
As we ascend the steps, Ellie stops, turns, and holds out a gun. She doesn't bother to look at me. "The commander," she stammers as she runs her fingers across the banister. "She wanted you to have this." The hand offering me the gun trembles. Then, as if remembering herself, she straightens up, and her eyes shift to meet mine. "As a soldier, you can't be expected to fight in a war empty-handed."
I scoff. "Yeah," I inhale. I grab the gun, feeling that uncomfortable weightiness in my palm.
Her hand now free, Ellie reaches up and tugs at her hair. "It's loaded," she adds mindlessly.
"Wouldn't be effective if it weren't." I take the gun and settle it into my bag, sandwiching it between packages of Elysium.
Ellie puts her hand on her hip and leans against the wall. "It'll only be a quick overview. Since Keran's going with you," she frowns here, "she'll be able to instruct you accordingly."
I shift. All this standing in one place was beginning to aggravate my ankle, though it had healed as much and as well as could be expected given the circumstance. "Why is it you always call Keran by her name?" I ask.
Ellie's hand drops from her waist. She snaps forward, as though my question has caused her to topple. Her face ignites. "Wh-wh-what do you mean?" Her eyes dart around, frantic to find a spot to focus on that wouldn't have me in the frame.
"You're always so formal, so strict, and so quick to obey orders. I'd think out of everyone, you'd respect the line of command the most."
She steps back and stiffens. "I-I do!"
"But Keran is never 'Lieutenant Keran.' She's just 'Keran.'"
Ellie frowns. "Of course, I respect her rank but," she swallows and taps her boot against the stair. "Keran is--"
"One-zero, no dallying on the stairwell." Keran stands in streetwear, a hoodie, zipped up to her chin, and a pair of torn jeans. She's still got her combat boots on, in case she needs to stomp on any misbehaving cockroaches. She looks between me and Ellie. "Harassing the other Codases?"
Ellie bristles, her eyes going wide as Keran notices her fluster.
"I wouldn't dream of it," I say. Ellie clamps her hands together in front of her.
"El, did you give her--"
"--the gun?" I pat my bag. "Got everything in here."
Keran nods. "Let's go, soldier. Everyone's waiting."
I step inside.