I just wanted Iwa-chan to look at me. I wanted him to be proud of me when he did it.
Iwa-chan and I grew up together, but you already know that. Ours it's a long story. It starts from the day our mothers met and it never ends.
I remember very well when my mother decided to take me to the end of year's fair. It was a pleasant evening, the wind was gently caressing my cheeks and I was just a child full of life. I squeezed my mother's hand tightly as she guided me through the many stalls that were on display. I was slightly afraid of all that crowd walking with us, curious and happy.
Suddenly, my mother stopped. I looked up to see who had stood in our way: I saw a pretty woman, the same age as my mother, perhaps younger. Beside her, a child was holding her hand. He looked me straight in the eye. At that moment, the fireworks broke out. Everyone looked up to see them, but I lowered my gaze, afraid, squeezing my mother's hand and hiding behind her. That child's olive-green eyes didn't stop looking at me. I felt him look away, then my mother dragged me away.
I loved aliens, I was crazy about them. Anything out of the ordinary, actually, thrilled me. I loved the stars, I knew each constellation by heart and not a night went by without me admiring the celestial vault in search of the Summer Triangle. Vega, Altair and Deneb knew me well now.
It was a summer evening when I saw that child with olive-green eyes. My mother had invited hers to our house for coffee. I found out they were longtime friends. They left us alone, hoping that we would become friends. I didn't think so.
That child kept looking at me, it was embarrassing. I decided to ignore it, and went out into the garden. I went back to staring at my Summer Triangle and my beloved stars who, by now, must have thought I was crazy to observe them every day.
I heard footsteps trample the fresh grass of the garden, slowly, and I turned around. The olive-green eyes rested on me again, but this time hesitant.
"Are they beautiful?" was all he said.
At first I didn't understand what he was referring to, so he looked up at the sky, without saying a word. I nodded slightly as he stood still.
That wasn't the last time I saw him. Our mothers continued to cherish the hope that we could become friends. Honestly, I was fine by myself. I was used to playing alone, having my spaces, my things. Not that the olive-eyed boy was going to be my brother.
That time, it was we who went to their house. It was bigger than ours, and I was envious of it. I didn't see the boy anywhere and I was relieved. I couldn't bear the weight of his gaze.
"Hajime, get off! Our guests have arrived!" his mother called him as she went into the kitchen with mine to have a coffee.
I was left alone in the middle of a huge house. The first impulse I had was to explore it, but since it would be rude to peek into other people's rooms, I held back. The child didn't get off and my curiosity took over. I went upstairs and opened a room that was supposed to be Hajime's.
What a funny name, I thought. Hajime meant 'beginning'. Thinking back now, they couldn't give him a more appropriate name. It had a better meaning than mine, and I was jealous of it.
Looking around, I noticed posters of a creepy being hanging on the wall. Godzilla, that was what was written on each one. That child had strange tastes. I turned to leave, but found myself once again in front of those olive-green eyes. I remained motionless for a few seconds and then left the room, running.
Yes. I was afraid of Hajime.
I loved going to the park. My mother had to drag me away by force each time. I loved the swing, even if I didn't know how to swing. I loved getting on the little rides that were there, even if every time I ended up getting hurt by falling. That day, Hajime and his mother accompanied us.
I didn't like playing with other children, so I left immediately, looking for some carousel to be able to be on my own. I got on the swing and remained still. There was no point trying to move, as I didn't know how to swing without falling. While I was looking at the sky, I felt that someone sat on the swing next to mine. Hajime and his olive-green eyes continued to stare at me.
"Can you stop it?" I said, finally addressing him.
He continued to stare at me, as if shocked. I saw a light shine in his eyes.
"Stop what?" he said to me after a while.
"Staring at me" I replied, returning to look at the sky, ignoring him in the best possible way.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that he looked away, confused, and then began to swing. He was so good, I thought. I wouldn't be able to swing like that in ten years. It was me, this time, who stared at him. He didn't see me, absorbed as he was in his thoughts. He seemed to have taken offense at my words. No...he looked hurt. Suddenly he stopped, and then ran after a bush, towards a tree. His movements were so abrupt and rapid that I jumped.
I didn't see him come out of that bush for half an hour. Slightly worried, I decided to get up and go see. I saw him climbing a tree and, needless to say, I was surprised. He seemed so determined. Suddenly he jumped off the tree, right in front of my eyes. He didn't even dare look at me by mistake, he kept his fists closed. I stared at him, looking for answers, and he opened his hands. A beautiful blue-winged butterfly with green hues flew right before my eyes. I looked at it, dreamily. I fixed my gaze on that strange child.
"How did you manage to get it?" I said, thrilled.
"I like catching bugs" was his reply.
What an unpleasant hobby. I noticed that he still didn't look at me, so I lowered slightly, meeting his olive-green eyes. Surprised, he looked to his right so as not to meet my eyes. I smiled at his awkwardness, so much that he looked at me for a moment.
"You can go back to staring at me if you want, Hajime" I assured him.
He'd taken seriously the words I'd said to him earlier. He was surprised when I said his name.
"What's your name?" he asked as he studied me with his olive-green eyes.
"Tooru" I whispered back, but he heard it anyway and nodded. His eyes lit up.
"Do you want me to help you with the swing?" he asked, pointing to it.
He must have noticed that I was unable to swing and that embarrassed me. I nodded. He began to push me gently and I held tight to the chains of the swing. I was afraid of falling, but somehow Hajime's presence reassured me.
"Haji-chan, higher up!" I said almost instinctively.
I had a bad habit of giving people silly nicknames.
"Are you sure, Tooru?" I heard from behind my back.
I nodded. Hearing Hajime say my name made me feel at home. It was a feeling that I had never experienced before and that I never wanted to go away.
But it vanished. It vanished when Hajime found out my last name and started calling me Oikawa. I begged him to call me Tooru, but he didn't want to. It's a sign of respect, according to him. Out of spite, I started calling him Iwa-chan, as his real last name was Iwaizumi. He kept glancing at me every time I called him that.
Unbeknownst to me, we became friends. We went to the same elementary and middle school. We also played on the same volleyball team. Actually, Iwa-chan wasn't interested in this sport, I was the one who convinced him. My only intent was to get him away from his stupid hobby of hunting insects, and I succeeded. We started practicing, tossing in the park and later joining the club.
Being a naturally dominant guy, Iwa-chan became a spiker. His strength was overwhelming. I didn't want to play in the same role as him and playing as the libero didn't suit me, so I opted for setter. It was the only way to play alongside Iwa-chan and over time I learned that it's the most important role in volleyball.
Being a setter meant choosing attacks, throwing off the opponent's wall, surprising the audience. Being a setter meant, above all, bringing out 100% of the spiker.
We ended up attending Aoba Johsai. I never learned to swing on the swing, I preferred Iwa-chan to do it. He was always so delicate as he did it, and sometimes I felt like I was reaching the sky.
"Iwa-chan, push me!" I told him, as I sat on the swing.
"Don't talk nonsense, Trashykawa" was the reply, but he pushed me anyway.
Ever since we started high school, Iwa-chan has found these horrible nicknames for me. I hate it when he shortens insults.
It has been a while now that Iwa-chan hasn't looked at me as he once did. When he speaks to me it's to insult me or to say unpleasant things. When he's with me, he rarely smiles and always sulks. I love Iwa-chan's smile. Every time we'll win a game, he'll run up to me to give me high-five and show to me his breathtaking smile.
I know that very often I make him angry, provoke him and don't give him respite, but that's how I am. I love to see his reactions.
The day I found out that Kageyama Tobio, my middle school kouhai, was a volleyball genius, it was devastating. I saw all my hard work go up in smoke. I wasn't a genius, nor was I able to set precisely like him. Plus, I couldn't beat Shiratorizawa. I was sure that, with the skill I'd achieved and with the serve that I continued to refine every day, I could beat Ushiwaka. But this wasn't the case. My skills were of no use. We lost, and I always kept losing to him. Prodigies like them got on my nerves.
I spent more time in the gym, training, perfecting my serve. Both coach and Iwa-chan kept warning me not to try too hard. I didn't listen to them. I couldn't stand still and wait for that stupid Ushiwaka to beat me or for Tobio-chan to surpass me. I felt the need to train more than others, and so I did.
I spent nights after nights training, alone, until 3 am and beyond. Obviously, I was tired, but I couldn't afford to stop. I didn't have to waste a second. How many times I collapsed on the gymnasium parquet, falling asleep from fatigue. Everyone believed that, after training with the team, I would stay alone in the gym for a maximum of half an hour. Only Iwa-chan seemed not to believe it.
I had been feeling something strange in my right knee for a couple of weeks now. It was like a slight pain that bothered me for a few minutes, and then went away as it had come. I didn't have time to think about the pain, it was probably from fatigue. After all, my muscles hurt too.
This was, perhaps, the biggest mistake I made in high school. After some serves, I found myself on the ground, in pain. The pain in my right knee was unbearable. Tears began to fall continuously, and I cried. Hell, it hurt. I kept crying and sobbing as I squeezed my knee to my chest, trying to get the pain away. Nobody could help me. After about ten minutes, I heard footsteps. I was hoping they'd hear me. I felt someone shrug my shoulders and pull me up slightly.
"I-Iwa-chan..." I said, meeting his green-olive eyes.
He was angry, I could see that even though the tears blurred my vision. He didn't say a word, he stroked my cheek. I closed my eyes, continuing to cry from the pain that didn't stop. Iwa-chan continued to caress me, softly, and finally said: "It'll pass, Tooru"
My eyes widened as I was called by my name. Iwa-chan hadn't called me that since we were kids. He took my knee and tried to straighten it, but the grimace of pain on my face stopped him.
"Iwa-chan...I screwed everything up, didn't I? What if it's broken? What if...I couldn't play anymore?" I said between sobs.
I was terrified. The very thought of not being able to play the sport I loved more than my own life made me shiver. Hajime shook my hand. He squeezed it tightly, forcing me to look him in the eye.
"It won't happen, Tooru. I promise" was all he said.
From that day on, I was forced to wear a kneepad. I tried not to strain and I didn't train too hard on my own.
"Iwa-chan, do you think we'll be able to go to the nationals?" I asked him one day.
I was sure that with the team we had we could achieve any goal. But Tobio and that chibi-chan with extraordinary reflexes had crossed our path.
"Only the team with the best six wins" he told me.
That's what he keeps repeating to me from middle school. Iwa-chan has always been right. But that day, we weren't the best six. When we lost to Karasuno, I was incredulous. The sweat dripping from my forehead was proof that I had put my all into it. Yet, we had lost.
No words could comfort us at that moment and I noticed Iwa-chan motionless, in the middle of the court. He'd clenched his fists and had a downcast gaze. He was crying. I clenched my fists and walked over to him, patting him hard on the back. He didn't need a hug, he was strong and I just had to remind it to him.
It goes without saying that on our way back and throughout the day our morale was in pieces. I was a bad captain, I didn't know how to lead my team to the nationals. Not even once.
On the way home, neither of us spoke. We walked for a while, then Iwa-chan started mumbling strange things about me, telling me that I was a troublesome guy and that, knowing me, I would chase volleyball for the rest of my life. I didn't understand why he was telling me those things right then.
"I couldn't be more proud to have you as a partner, and you're the absolute best setter!" he exclaimed, stopping and looking me in the eye.
I looked at him in amazement, shocked by the sincere words he was addressing to me.
"Even if we end up in different teams, that won't change"
He was serious as he said those words and that made me blush slightly. He promised to beat me when he'd met me, and I couldn't be happier. I accepted the challenge.
They proposed me to study abroad, specifically in Argentina. I'd have attended university and would have joined one of the most prestigious teams: Saint Juan. I was thrilled by the idea, I was looking forward to it. I didn't know how to tell Iwa-chan though. He'd certainly have been happy to know that I'd continue to cultivate my dream, but the idea of not being able to see each other as we used to before broke my heart.
Iwa-chan and I have never been apart for a long time. I told him everything, and he was happy. He told me not to think about it even for a moment. I was so relieved that he understood me. I felt so lucky to have him as my best friend.
I discovered that he too would leave for abroad, specifically in California. The day Hajime decided to tell me about it was the day our friendship broke. Perhaps because he hesitated to tell me until the day before his departure. He kept telling me that he was afraid of my reaction, that he'd wanted to tell me for a long time but never found the right moment. I didn't understand that. For the first time, I couldn't understand my best friend.
"How could you?! You'll leave tomorrow...and you didn't tell me anything!" I blurted out, losing control.
I was selfish. I thought I could still spend time with Iwa-chan before I left. I'd every single thing organized, we were supposed to go to the beach, visit a new planetarium in town, eat ramen, talk. But Iwa-chan was leaving. He was leaving, and he was leaving me alone.
"Tooru, please..." he said, saddened.
"No. Shut up! I don't want to hear you"
I regretted it soon after. I'll never forget the way his olive-green eyes looked at me at that moment.
"I thought you were my best friend, Oikawa. Maybe I was wrong"
His voice trembled, he was furious and disappointed. I felt the pain I caused him, but I couldn't help it. Even though I was leaving a month after him, I couldn't stand it.
"I'll leave at 10" was the last thing he said to me before leaving and returning home.
He hoped that I would go to greet him for the last time. He hoped I would hug him before leaving. 10 o'clock the next day came and I was still on my bed staring at the ceiling. My eyes felt swollen and heavy, I'd been crying all night. I looked at my watch: it was 11 am. Iwa-chan had already left an hour ago. I had received many messages from Makki and Mattsun, but I wasn't interested in replying.
The day of my departure arrived and I too left without the hug and greeting of my best friend. Maybe it was better that way. I would have suffered more if Iwa-chan had kept talking to me.
Months went by, the team I was training with was fantastic and I couldn't help but be happy with everything that was happening to me. I felt that I was getting stronger, more mature, just better. I didn't get any messages from Iwa-chan. Of course, I didn't write to him either. Who knows how he's doing in California.
My teammates suggested that we could visit Brazil for a couple of days. I accepted, after all I loved traveling and visiting new cities. We arrived in Rio in the evening and went looking for a place to have dinner.
We passed by the beach where some people were playing beach volley. Intrigued, I asked my companions to approach us. I didn't believe my eyes.
"Is this real life?" I said, shocked.
A boy shorter than me, orange-haired, all too familiar, turned around. His expression was the same as mine.
"The Grand King?!" exclaimed chibi-chan.
Hinata Shoyo, the famous Karasuno's number 10, was in front of me in Rio. The world's really small. I offered him dinner. We talked about this and that, we also played beach volley together. He'd really changed, chibi-chan. He's more mature, more determined, and that was scary. We sat by the sea, it was there that he asked me what I hoped he wouldn't ask.
"How's Iwaizumi-san?"
A simple question that required a simple answer, but I didn't know what it was. I haven't known how Iwa-chan has been for two years now. Hinata somehow understood, and didn't investigate further, changing the subject.
I returned to Argentina, and took refuge in my apartment. I looked at the phone, to no avail. I knew very well that he hadn't written to me, but I kept hoping like a fool.
I went out to get some air and found myself by the sea. I sat on the still wet sand and let the tide wet my feet a little. I looked up at the sky: Vega, Altair and Deneb were invariably there to keep me company.
I smiled, thinking back to my childhood. It was all so beautiful and carefree when I had no one. I didn't care, just about myself and my beloved stars. Iwa-chan, instead, had tried violently to enter my life. Once inside, there was no way out.
I finally admitted it to myself: I missed him. I was missing Iwa-chan to death.
Who knows where he was at that moment, maybe he's sleeping, or he's attending some class at university. It was frustrating not knowing anything about Hajime anymore. He was my best friend after all, damnit.
"Iwa-chan..." I said, speaking to the stars.
I was used to not getting an answer by now. Two years had passed. This silence was my fault. It was my talent to ruin things after all.
"Iwa-chan, I miss you" I hissed, clutching my knees to my chest and starting to sob.
God, how embarrassing was it to cry like that for your best friend. People would have misunderstood. Maybe he wasn't my friend anymore. Maybe he was something else. I cried in frustration as the sound of the waves drowned out my sobs.
Olympics 2021. Finally the day of my rematch had arrived. Years ago I promised chibi-chan that I would beat them all, and I meant to keep that promise.
I was Argentina's regular setter, nothing made me prouder. Across the field were Tobio-chan, Ushiwaka, Shoyo and other formidable players. It seemed like a family quarrel. I was ready, or at least I thought I was until I saw Iwa-chan as Japan's athletic trainer.
He had finally succeeded in making his dream come true. It had been 9 years since I last saw him. To tell the truth, Makki tried to help me reconnect with him more than once, he tried to make us meet but, for some strange reason, he never succeeded.
Iwa-chan didn't want to know anything about me anymore. I understood it. I too would have hated myself. The things I told him and did to him were unforgivable.
I sought his gaze, but I no longer existed for his olive-green eyes.
I gave my all during the game. I wanted to show everyone how much I had trained, how much effort I had put into it. I was finally part of the team with the best six. We won. Incredulous, I yelled for joy, hugging my teammates. We jumped, rejoiced, screamed. It was incredible. Even Tobio and Ushiwaka came to congratulate me. Shoyo smiled at me, and I hugged him. He had become a close friend of mine, we had reunited in Rio and continued to maintain the relationship.
I looked at the Japanese team one last time, looking for those olive-green eyes, but there was no sign of Iwa-chan. Lost hope, I should have long since forgotten. My stupid heart didn't want to erase Hajime.
After the award ceremony, we went to the hotel and celebrated. I wasn't in the mood for a drink, even though we'd won an important match. I decided to go out and get some fresh air, so I went to the countryside. I barely knew Tokyo, but I knew that there's a hill, not far from our hotel, from which I could admire the stars. Makki wrote me a message, asking me where I was and I answered him.
I turned off the phone, I didn't want to be disturbed. I wanted to be alone, as it should be. I've always wanted it, and now here I am. I've been selfish all my life, I couldn't expect anything in return.
My Summer Triangle shone above me and I smiled slightly.
"You're the only ones who have never left me alone" I said to the stars, sadly.
I closed my eyes, letting myself be lulled by the gentle evening breeze. I was sorry.
I just wanted Iwa-chan to look at me. I wanted him to be proud of me when he did it. Only he knows the sacrifices I've made in all the years we've spent together. Hajime was the only one who knew me well. Maybe he was the only one who could stand me.
And here I am again, crying to myself. Iwa-chan's been making me cry a lot lately. I never thought he was so cruel...
"Tooru"
I jumped. It couldn't be. I was also suffering from hallucinations now.
"Oh, Tooru, now you can imagine his voice too" I said to myself, laughing, as I dried my tears.
I felt a hand grab my shoulder. It was there that I realized. My eyes widened, whirling around. Iwaizumi Hajime, athletic trainer, was right there in front of me. He looked at me, after years, with his beautiful olive-green eyes. They hadn't changed, but he had.
He had grown taller, more handsome, his hair was shorter, his features more masculine, his voice deeper. Iwaizumi Hajime was a really handsome man.
"I-Iwa..." I tried to say, but stopped when strong and mighty arms held me close.
The tears began to fall again and I grabbed Hajime with all the strength I had. We remained embraced for an infinity of minutes, until he pulled away slightly. We both didn't know what to say. It had been too many years, we didn't even know where to start from.
"Iwa-chan...Iwa-chan..." I kept saying between sobs.
Hajime smiled at me, cupping my face in his hands.
"Tooru, you have to stop blaming yourself" he said.
"H-Haji...it's all my fault" now the tears didn't want to stop.
"No, it's not. It never was" was all my best friend said, still smiling at me, trying to wipe away the tears that kept streaming down my face.
I closed my eyes, letting myself be lulled by his touch. I had missed him to death and now he was there, in front of me. Too many years had passed and I'd never have let that happen again. No one would ever separate us, neither my selfishness nor his stubbornness.
I woke up in the middle of a storm. The stars twinkled slightly as the rain pattered against my window. I rubbed my eyes and realized I had been crying, probably all the night.
I looked at the phone, it was June 10th, 2022. A year had passed since the Olympics. I got out of bed, happy: it was Iwa-chan's birthday. I couldn't wait to meet him and celebrate with him, now that we'd solved everything. I chose the best clothes, took the gift and went out.
I arrived at the appointed place and saw him: he was waiting for me.
"Iwa-chan!" I exclaimed, greeting him, but received no reply.
He must have been angry, maybe I was a little late.
"Here, I hope you like it" I told him, handing him a Godzilla plush and some flowers.
Iwa-chan loved damascene nigelle. They're the sky-colored flowers, that sky that Iwa-chan and I loved so much.
"Haji...I know it's not much but please..." I told him, as he stared at me coldly.
I lost control. I knelt down, crying.
"Please...come back to me..." I received no reply. I haven't had one for 10 years now.
The tombstone stood there motionless, cold, impassive. The rain continued to fall incessantly. I was soaking wet, like the Godzilla plush I had given Hajime and which I had placed right under his name. I sobbed and screamed, desperate.
I lost him 10 years ago in an accident. On the day of his departure, I met him at the airport to greet him and apologize for my behavior. But he was hit by a car while running towards me, dying instantly.
Hajime no longer spoke to me. He no longer looked at me with his olive-green eyes. I got no answer to my questions, but he kept living in my memories and I kept seeing him every night, in my dreams.