Though he never admitted it to me, I have often felt that Owain made the decision to go north because of me.
Owain's ability in war was both a blessing and a curse for him. It raised him up and forged him a reputation. It would release him from the pressures of his world to an environment and, most importantly to him, it was something that he was peerless at. Nobody could match him at war and, when you have grown up trying to be the best in everything, to catch your infamous warlord father's attention and approval, being peerless in a war can seem like a good thing.
But Owain hated war. He was too much of a good man. He never revelled in the excitement of it like I did, never felt the rush of the battle joy in his veins, or excelled in how the terror, if you can master it, can lend a speed and strength to you.
Owain hated the misery that war created. He hated seeing the suffering of Briton and invader alike. Most of all he hated the sheer chance of war. War was a gamble, and battle was the biggest gamble of all. Owain was not shy of playing the odds, as he had proved in Elmet, but his sense of fair play did not extend to the battlefield. If battle was a gamble, Owain would fix the dice.
Everybody told him not to go north. Agravaine told him it was a mistake, but he would follow him if it was his decision. The ground was not suitable to heavy infantry and shield walls, he explained. The Romans had come into such land and been destroyed, their precious eagle taken as a prize.
'It was the Votadini who did that.' Owain pointed out with a slight bow, emphasising that it was the ancestors of the majority of the men around the long table who had routed that Roman legion, and Agravaine effectively represented the chief of those people.
'True.' Agravaine nodded his huge head. 'But we would be making the same mistakes they did. Marching around difficult country looking for a battle, and when we do eventually find it you can guarantee it won't be to our liking.'
Pellinore flat out refused to accompany him with his men until Agravaine growled at him in a rare moment of wroth with his much respected future father in law that he would do as he was told. Owain, more diplomatically, told Pellinore that he would be marching north with or without him, and that it was much better for the northern lords to join him sooner as a large army than be attacked later as a small one.
Dirandon advised against it. We would not be able to move quickly like the raiding parties did, using small tracks. We would be hungry, tired and watched from the moment we approached the border the whole time until we reached whatever battlefield they wanted us on, cold, hungry and exhausted. 'Probably be ambushed every other day as well.' He added gruffly.
Even Lancelot was not supportive. 'We've struggled to use the horses in this environment as it is.' He admitted. 'Especially at this time of year. It would be difficult enough in the dry, a winter incursion would be crazy. There is no way we could make a proper cavalry charge.'
All eyes turned to me. I was normally the most vocal and least diplomatic when it came to disagreeing with my cousin. But I said nothing. They were all correct, and that was why I stayed silent. Because battle is notoriously fickle. Owain was not risking a battle to simply bring them to battle, though in truth he suspected that he might have to do that at some point if he failed to bring the clans to battle on his own terms, but he was willing to accept battle on the enemy's terms to stop me from fleeing to Powys in disgrace.
Finally, I just shrugged to imply carelessness, but I did not take my eyes from Owain's as I spoke. 'I think you need to make sure you're doing this for the right reasons.' I said carefully, before adding. 'And that you're not doing anything stupid.' I tried to imbue to Owain through his own words to me in the stables that I suspected this was for my benefit. Inflict a major defeat on the hill tribes and then we could go home where I would be safely away from the temptations of unavailable red heads and into Powys with my reputation still intact.
Owain would not be dissuaded. He planned to bring the clans to battle by allowing them to choose the battlefield, but only on his terms. He took inspiration from the raid Agravaine and I had conducted by crossing the Sea of Iudeu. We would raid the surrounding area and sack the nearest town, load our loot back onto the boats and we would march back to Din Eidyn.
On the march back we would stay near to the coast to protect that flank from ambush. At night we would ensure we were camped in strong, but not too strong positions. It would be ideal if we could tempt them into attacking us in a static position, Owain said, but it was incredibly unlikely for that would be where we were strongest.
It would be a tiring march as we marched in a formation quick to respond to ambushes to our front and rear. But the slow march would give the clansmen time to plan their battlefield. We would have one route to follow, the coast down to the River Forth. Upriver from the crossing point was Sruighlea, the major town of the Fib tribes closest to us. Owain had originally wanted to take that fort and burn it, but Pellinore insisted that it could not be taken. The crag that it stood on was too strong. Both Agravaine and I had seen it from a distance and reluctantly agreed.
'It is still likely they will want to stop us crossing the river.' Owain said. 'So whatever forces they have gathered, they will likely pick their battlefield and block our route to the ford.'
We would be taking no one from the levy, just three hundred household troops. Professional warriors heavily armed and thickly armoured. Meanwhile Lancelot and his cavalry would be left behind to patrol the border, and to attack the south side of the river should that be where the Caledonians make their stand. Lancelot nodded unhappily. He did not want to be left behind, but he knew there would little chance to use the cavalry where we were going and he had no intention of fighting on foot like the rest of us. At least the prospect of riding into the unprotected rear of an army caused his mood to lift slightly.
It took two weeks to prepare for the trip, concentrating the men and ensuring they were all properly equipped. As it was winter, it took a lot longer to gather in enough food for the next few weeks. Owain anticipated ten days maximum of being away. We would all carry five days' worth of bread and salted meat, with the rest to follow us in boats along the coast. The boats would also carry a store of firewood. Owain wanted to ensure we would have enough fire so that the Caledonians could not creep up on us in the night.
Owain deliberately kept me busy over those two weeks. I did not even catch a glimpse of red hair in that time, and the only time I saw Agravaine was as part of the preparations. However, the day before we were due to depart, I had little to do, and on an impulse, I made my way to the temple.
Did I hope to see Elaine? Yes and no. On one had I desperately wanted to see her because I was in love with her. On the other hand I was terrified of seeing her, what I might do or she might say.
The grove was deathly quiet. Only the familiar rushing sound of the stream broke the silence. I was sure I could hear my own heart beating as I listened to see if anybody was there. What would I do if she was there? I wondered. Would I turn and leave? But there was nobody hidden in the long shadows cast by the columns as I peered into the shade of the temple. It felt like nobody had been there for centuries.
I felt a bitter cocktail of disappointment and relief at the absence of Elaine. I thought about leaving. I had come here on an impulse and had not been able to decide on the reason even as I had walked, debating with myself on whether to turn back and yet coming inexorably closer to the forest.
I sat down on the cold stone floor, wrapping my cloak around me to try and keep some of the cold out. My breath clouded up before me, fading even as it was caught in the breeze that blew across me.
I sat there for a long time. Time seemed to have slowed down and my thoughts played out like images in my head. I saw again the sleek curves of Elaine's nakedness, the touch of her lips and the intensity of her love. With an effort I forced those images, memories that had haunted my dreams, from my mind. I made to get up and leave but I did not. I stayed there and I prayed. Prayer perhaps is the wrong word; I did not make a plea to a God. I just thought about the things in my life that had led to these moments. I thought about the aches of my heart, my love for Owain, Agravaine and Elaine and I wished things were different.
'This is stupid.' I said to myself suddenly, and I surged to my feet to leave but I hesitated for a moment, looking again at the alter stone, remembering. Should I leave a message, I silently debated, a token for her to know that I was here, to remember me by if I do not return. I took a silver broach shaped like the head of a wolf from my shoulder and rubbed it with my thumb as I stared at the stone. Damn it, I thought, replacing the broach. What was going to happen? I would die and she would wear my badge? While Agravaine was there as a symbol to the shame and dishonour I had inflicted on him. No. If I were to die, I would be nothing more than a memory, fading with time and remembered with the roll of the thunder.
Turning away from the alter I stepped down onto the springy grass of the grove and froze.
Elaine stood in front of me.
I thought for a moment she looked just a frozen to see me, but then I realised she was frozen in indecision. Like me, I expect that she did not know what to expect, or even to hope for by coming to the temple, and now she was caught as to whether leave before I could notice her or whether she had to face me. But I had seen her now.
'I can leave...' I said stammered nervously.
'No.' She said in quick confusion. Plainly she wanted me to. I made to walk past her. 'No please.' She blurted out.
I hesitated, and then stopped. My stomach felt empty but my I could feel the thumping beat of my heart like a child with a drum who just wants to strike it as hard and fast as he can. I somehow had a lump in my throat that threatened to choke me. She was intoxicating. I could not look at her for fear of losing myself. I glanced around me, looking for something to focus my eyes on but could only spy the inside of the temple where we had shared that night and hastily looked away from that too. Elaine noticed my look and her pale cheeks flushed pink.
'I'm sorry.' I said lamely, pathetically, and I hated myself for even those two words came out like I was a boy with my voice breaking. I felt shame, but the feelings began to twist as I saw that her eyes were wide and wet.
I held her glistening green eyes with my own. I could not resist it. I was remembering what she had said about my own eyes. I leaned in towards her. No, my own head was screaming at me. No! My heart thumped my chest in protest.
'No.' Elaine broke the spell and, shakily, she stepped back, breathing as if she had just run for miles. I quickly stepped backwards too in horror at myself.
'I need to go.' I said brusquely and made to brush past her without looking at her again.
'No.' She called to me again. 'No please wait, I have to tell you...' Her voice was pleading, and I turned in surprise to look at her to see her cheeks actually wet with tears now.
'Tell me what?' Tentatively I asked the question. Was she going to leave me on a final cliché, tell me she loved me and then watched my march off to die? Or worse, was she forewarning me that she was going to tell Agravaine?
'When you're gone...' Elaine stammered, trailing off for a moment and then gathering her poise. 'Don't do anything... stupid.'
Despite myself I burst out in laughter. 'Do you know nothing of me?' I asked, grinning foolishly at her. 'My entire reputation is built on doing stupid things.'
She smiled weakly and wetly, her face shining in the faint sunlight that penetrated the gloom of the grove. 'I mean, don't go and doing something extra stupid trying to redeem yourself. Don't get yourself killed.'
I smiled sardonically. 'Maybe you do know me after all.' I said, and I forced myself to turn away from her. I was afraid that I would cross to her again and, somehow, I knew this time she would not say no. With a greater force of will than it would ever take me to charge against a shield wall, I walked away. I stopped once I was in the dreams, hiding against the trunk of tree, my bank against it and I let out a breath to try and tried to take back control of my senses. I peered past the tree for one final look into the grove, but saw Elaine was kneeling at the alter stone. She was not praying naked this time, but I saw her reach out to pour wine into the shallow bowl of the stone and wondered what – or who – she was praying for.