LISA
It's been four months that Jennie and I are not together anymore and it's been really hell for me.
One day, I turned on the TV and searched for a news channel. Didn't go to work again today.
As i was switching channels, I stopped clicking when Jennie is on the news. She's in a fashion event in Seoul and being interviewed. Her bump is slightly showing up. It's small and Jennie still looks so sexy. I increased the volume and listened to her while i am drinking my 7th bottle of beer in the couch.
Reporter: Mrs. Manoban, are the rumors true about you and the General? You're already divorced?
Jennie smiled at her and answered the questions confidently.
Jennie: No. Not true at all. We are still married.
She said and smiled. Protecting me.
R: What can you say about her recent failed mission that took two of his men's lives?
Jennie: Lisa has always been the General who makes sure we are all safe. But she is also a human being. She gets tired too. She gets hurt. She fails. She wins. In short, this is what we call life. I believe everything happens for a reason and I am sure, Lisa did her best.
Yes. I did. But my best wasn't good enough.
I have been absent for few weeks already, well, with alternate days. I don't feel like going to work. I just wanted to drink, lie down in bed, listen to silence and stare blankly on the ceiling. It has been my routine.
My body is too weak that I couldn't focus on our recent operation and we failed.
My parents would visit me but I just go back to bed when they're downstairs cleaning my house because i have no strength anymore.
The pain is still here. Still killing me softly inside.
Guilt is even my second name already.
I only get to smile whenever I would pick her up for her check up. The Doctor said we will know the gender next month.
Jennie is still good to me. Though she avoids to look at me in the eyes most of the time. She is casual to me and I am just being myself whenever i'm with her.
There was a time when we ate in a restaurant after one of her check ups. We were approached by some strangers and asked us if it is true that we separated already. Jennie was the one who answered them.
Everytime she's asked by people about her wedding ring, she would answer she kept it as she has gained a little weight and it feels a little tight on her finger.
Sometimes i would really feel bad when I am seeing her protecting me from the media. She protects my position, me as a person and my own personal life. Until now, I am still wondering what did I do to deserve her? What I did was hurt her and put her in pain that I don't know how she manage to deal with every night. I am more guilty.
There are days that i would just prefer drinking than eating. I still couldn't accept what has become of us. I am scared that one day this separation would really lead to divorce. Jennie said she will but not now. She still cares for me. But with love, it's no longer the love she has for me anymore.
How can I push myself to her when all I did was hurt her. I checked on her everyday through Dad. He said she's always making sure her pregnancy is the priority. But Dad said, Jennie is still crying everyday. She remembers what i did everyday.
One morning, i got a sad news from the government .
They sent me a letter of suspension.
JENNIE
It's been five months. Five months i am no longer beside her. I can't take seeing her and being with her everyday. But I am really happy to see her whenever she accompanies me on my check ups and I really appreciate it. She sends me fruits and healthy foods. She sends me vitamins and milk. She is responsible. But i noticed she has lost a little weight and really looks stressed. She could not even iron her clothes. Well i was the one who used to do it. I have heard from Jisoo she is not going at work sometimes and some of their missions already failed. This is not the General we all know.
Sometimes I would blame myself why this is all happening to her. Should I go back? But how about me? The more I am with her, the more pain I need to suffer from. I feel like choking everytime I remember what she did.
One day, I got a call from Jisoo. She is on leave from work at the moment as Rosé already gave birth.
Jisoo: Jennie! I---you've---did she call you already?
I know she's referring to my wife.
Jennie: Hmmm? Why? What happened? No, she didn't call me.
Jisoo: Jennie, the General is suspended from her position. She has been absent lately. Not answering calls. Showing no interests on missions. She leaves the office and go home most of the time. What is happening?
My heart is crushed. This can't be.
Jennie: Jisoo. Thank you for telling me. Actually, we are no longer together for five months now.
Jisoo: What?????!!!! Jen, I am sorry. We didn't know. Sorry we weren't there for the two of you.
Jennie: It's ok. Thanks again Jisoo. I will go to Lisa now.
I dropped the call and drove straight to our house. It's late already so i have to drive slow and safe.
I still have my keys and I entered straight to the house. The living room is dark. Messy. Lonely. With all these bottle of beers and cigarettes scattered all over the place. She's been smoking again.
I went upstairs and here she is.
Lying her chest on bed. Bottles of beer again are scattered all over. She's falling asleep and probably drunk. I saw a piece of paper on the side table and read it. She is suspended for a month. Jesus. Lisa what are you doing. My heart. This is painful.
I put the paper back on the desk and picked all the bottles up and brought downstairs. I cleaned the living area and her room as well.
I returned to her room, sat beside her and lifted her head and placed on my lap. I noticed her face is wet with tears. I wiped it.
She opened her eyes when she felt my caress.
"Jen, why are you here?" She lifted her body up in surprise.
"I have heard what's happening to you lately. Why didn't you call me? I told you to call me anytime you need someone to talk to." I told her not letting my tears fall.
She went back lying and she just cried. Cried with so much pain without releasing a noise.
I laid beside her and cupped her face.
"I---i just don't want to stress you out and---and I don't think it would help you. I....i don't want you to worry about me." She said while catching her breath.
"You've been drinking and smoking?" I asked in a soft voice.
She didn't answer.
"You've been skipping work lately?"
Still not answering me but looked down instead.
"Lisa."
"Jennie, I don't know anymore. I am empty. I don't have the strength to get up everyday, go to work and be productive. I don't know what's happening to me anymore. All i know is just... i want to be here at home and lie down in bed. Or drink til i don't feel this pain anymore. Drink and vanish for a while. Then when i get up, i wanted to hurt myself because all i remeber is how i cheated in you. My guilt is still killing me, Jen. Everyday I want to see you, I want to hug you, I want to beg just to be with you again. I want to say sorry for everything i have done. I want to be with you but i know I can no longer bring us back together anymore. I know seeing me would just flash all the things i have done in your head. I love you. I love you so much that I don't want to hurt you anymore."
She said and didn't stop sobbing.
I cried. This is not the Lisa I used to be in love with anymore.
I let her cry. I let her express what she has inside.
I hugged her.
Then suddenly we're clueless that our face and lips are just an inch apart. I looked at her eyes and lips. There's this eagerness in her that she wants to kiss me but she's holding back.
Until she...she kissed me softly. I don't know why my body is giving in even if my mind tells me to stop.
I kissed back.
We kiss while our tears are dripping down.
The kiss becomes hotter. Our hands travelled all over our bodies and we created fire.
She moved above me and we are making out so hot. Missing each other. I missed her. I missed her kisses. Her hugs. Her touch. Our lovemaking.
At any moment now, i know we will not be able to control ourselves anymore.
Her touch is already drowning me. Letting my body submit to her.
Lisa.
God Lisa.
Then she stopped and laid beside me and hugged me while she is crying again.
"I am sorry. I am sorry Jen. I hope someday..i am hoping that i can still have your forgiveness." She said.
I wiped her tears and hugged her back.
"I'll---i'll sleep here with you tonight. Let's talk about this tomorrow after we visit my Doctor for the ultrasound. Will you drive me home in the morning so I can wash myself and change my clothes before going to the hospital?"
She suddenly became alive. Her eyes smiled.
"You--you mean...you mean we're going to know our baby's gender tomorrow?" She asked excitedly.
I nodded.
She has fallen asleep and here I am. Beside her. In our bed. Our room became so different. It was no longer the happiest place we could ever be. It's full of sadness and gloom without me.