| 6/21/2019 | 4:54 PM |
These past few months I have very much been struggling to cope with my bipolar disorder. Unfortunately, my current medication hasn't been subduing my episodes as well as before. Therefore, I have been suffering from severe depression, anxiety, and mania.
I have been battling with very intense suicidal ideation for the past 3 months. I have nearly committed suicide twice and then I had finally attempted last week. I had experienced an extreme mental meltdown which then morphed into a complete and utter psychotic break where I attempted to swallow various pills from my mother's medicine cabinet.
However, when my mother caught me and endeavored to help me, I became incredibly violent. Although she tried to coax me through the situation, I was being uncooperative and combative. The worst must have been when I had become so deranged that I kicked a hole in the wall.
Eventually - at some point that evening - I now recall disassociating completely and having some form of an out of body experience. It's almost as if I was watching myself and the situation from another perspective. And there I was - rolling around on the floor like a fish out of water, screaming and crying. It was rather strange... to say the least.
When I returned to my body, it wasn't until my mother's boyfriend (at the time) had intervened and then somewhat defused the situation. They had forced me to take a Xanax to calm down. Then I had fallen asleep and seemingly, the worst was over.
Ultimately, I can only remember that evening in bits and pieces - as I often do - never entirely. It's almost as if my memories are an ugly puzzle with certain parts missing from the picture. Therefore, I cannot quite process nor discern the image completely. When I reflect on myself and that situation, in particular, I don't even recognize myself in my own memories.
That is when I knew I needed help.