ELC32
The biggest pain that I will always shoulder is probably the fact that I could never give my son the family that he deserves no matter how much I try to give him a better life.
I won't deny the fact that I yearned for a complete family, not only for Aza but also for me. Sapat na naman saakin ang anak ko. However, I still wonder sometimes what could it be if I have someone beside me like Papa is to Mama? What if it didn't just turn in a wrong way? What if was fixed even before it completely fell?
Aza will grow with a father, I would have him with me. How beautiful is that?
But that instance only existed in my dreams.
"Mama!"
My whole body was stoned to where I was standing when I heard Aza's voice. My heart drummed wildly on my chest to the point that I'm afraid somebody can hear it already. All its beats became heavy and painful on my chest. I was eaten out by my fear and nervousness that I cannot make any response. I stayed standing, not even turning back to see Aza.
"Mama! I don't have class today!" he joyfully said as his arms enclosed my legs for a hug.
My head automatically went down to see him. I felt a lot of piercing eyes drawn towards me, as well as the murmurs of people around.
"B-baby..." I call him and I tried to give him a small smile even with every single knife that was speared on my body, causing me massive pain.
He innocently smiled at me with his expecting and glowing eyes. My hurting heart is throbbing with more pain but with warmth, seeing how his eyes radiate happiness as it stares into mine.
Ang daming sumasagi sa utak ko habang nakatingin ako sa kanyang matang kaparehas ng sa kanyang ama.
I was shocked when he suddenly gripped on my dress so he could angle his body just right so he could peak on the side of my legs.
"Come, Mister! I'll introduce you to my Mama!" he excitedly said.
My heart fell and my sweat started to produce as my hand turned really cold and shaking. I don't need to ask if he's behind me because I'm always aware of how his presence feels like.
"Hala... bat..." I heard Criselle's whisper but I cannot see her reaction.
God... can we just skip this, please?
"Come!"
Aza...
Mas lalong umikot at nagkagulo ang nararamdaman ko noong naamoy ko ang kanyang pabango. He went past me before he turned to face me. I can't even look straight on his eyes. I clenched my fist harder.
Aza let go of me and went to him. My heart clenched painfully as I watch how his hand held two of Six's fingers. Muling nag-ipon ang luha ko at nahirapan ako sa pagsagap ng hangin para huminga. Oh my god... why does every move that I can see from them hurts too much?
"Mister! She's my Mama! Isn't she beautiful?"
"Is she?"
I almost had my goosebumps when I heard his cold voice.
"Hmm! My Mama's name is Kill!" he said, looking up to him like he's admiring him. He never looked at any man like that before even with my father and my brothers. But he's unconsciously doing it now to his father even if he still doesn't know it was him.
"I think I know your Mama..." saad niya, taglay pa rin ang lamig sa boses.
I can feel his eyes on me but I was persistent of not looking up and locking my eyes only to my son.
"Really?" Aza's voice became more delightful.
"Yes..."
Aza turned to me with a smile.
"Mama! He looks like me!" he softly chuckled with his sweet voice. "It's amazing! He's like Papa! You said Papa looks like me, too!"
Oh, God...
I heard Six's chuckle. It wasn't anything that I would want to hear. It wasn't sarcastic, it wasn't happy... it was in pain.
"Mama, say hi!"
From Aza, who's looking at me with happy anticipation, my eyes slowly drifted from the person in front of me.
His jaw clenched as our eyes met. My heart throbbed an immense and painful beat. His eyes are bloodshot and are darkly looking at me, at the same time. Together with its normal coldness, his face is filled with pain and questions.
"C-criselle..." tawag ko nang hindi pinuputol ang tingin ko kay Six.
"Ma'am?"
"Kunin mo muna si Aza..."
"But Mama! I came here for you!"
"Tara, Az!" Criselle went to Aza without asking me any reason why, probably because she have guessed the tension that's building up around us.
"No! I want Mama!"
"Lalaro tayo sa labas!"
"I don't wanna play with you!"
Aza let go of Six's fingers and he went back on my side, hugging my legs once again while looking at Criselle like she's a bad guy trying to take him away from me. I witness how Six's eyes followed Aza's movements. I can't even describe everything that's inside his stares.
"Mama..." Aza pleadingly called me.
Doon ko lang tuluyang naibaba ang tingin ko sa kanya. I sighed and I held his arms to remove it from hugging my legs. I kneeled my one knee to be on the same level as him.
"Baby..." I called him while fixing his hair. Aza silenced down as his eyes became focused on me. Parang patuloy na dinudurog ang puso ko sa magkaibang paraan para sa kanya at kay Six. "Can you be with Ate Criselle for a while? I promise it won't take long..."
He pouted while looking at me. If this is a usual happy day. I should have chuckled, pulled him close to me, and rain kisses on his cheeks. But...
"Okay..." he said, pouting, but giving in to my request.
I smiled at him and I caressed his soft cheeks before I stood up once again, held his hand, and drawn him towards Criselle. Aza held on Criselle's hand.
"Stay here in the lobby and wait for my call."
"Sige, Ma'am..." she said, cautious.
I nodded at her and I smiled at Aza.
"Bye, Mister!" Aza said and waved his hand to Six before they turned their back on us.
I breathe heavily while watching them approach the waiting area in the lobby. I turned my back when they are already seated. Six and I both stared at each other for longs seconds, without anyone speaking and breaking our exchange of looks.
I gulped. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang kaba sa aking dibdib.
"Shall we?" I said, still in a low tone, finding it hard to speak with confidence.
He didn't give me an answer but he maintained pressuring me with his eyes. He stared at me long before his eyes drifted on my back. I felt a tug in my chest when I realize that he's looking at Aza's direction.
"Yeah..." he said.
Hindi naalis ang tingin niya kay Aza bago kami umikot upang maglakad papunta sa elevator upang bumalik sa office ko. Our tension heightened when we stepped in an enclosed space. No one of us spoke but I can feel his eyes looking at me through my reflection on the mirror.
"You hated me that much... huh?"
My lips parted. I continuously blinked my eyes to stop my tears from falling. I swallowed hard and I decided not to answer him.
"He's mine..."
This time, his words almost sound like a whisper that was filled with pain and void of strength. It wasn't even a question. He said it like he was very sure of it.
I sighed deeply. How can I deny the uncanny similarities between them?
"Yes."
Silence engulfed us. I saw how hard his fists are closed that his knuckles are already turning white. He was putting a lot of self-control.
"Don't let anyone in and cancel everything in my schedule," I ordered Emma once again even before she can say something. She curiously looked beside me. I know she's confused why I was with Six once again.
"Okay po... ahm... good morning again, Mr. Andrada..." she professionally said.
Six didn't say any reply back. I silently walked towards my office. I was the one who first stepped in before I left the door open for Six. He was the one who closed it.
I turned to face him when I heard the door, locking. Our eyes met once again.
"Shall we take a sea－"
"What did I do so wrong?"
Natigilan ako sa pagsasalita noong marinig ko iyon sa kanya. He was standing a little bit far from me but I can feel how my knees are already failing to keep up with me.
"Six..."
"I know I misjudged you. But I was paying it now, right? I lost you..." he said to me, way too painful that it felt like thousands of spears were thrown into me. "But why didn't you tell me about him?"
He stepped closer to me. The pain in his face became more visible in my eyes.
"What do you want me to do, Six? Go back on your hellish mansion, say that you got me pregnant, and allow myself to be humiliated for more? The only person who I thought would believe me, turned his back, and left me! Bakit kita babalikan?"
"I told you, I regretted it."
"What can your regrets do?" I shook my head to him.
His eyes became darker. He gasped exasperatingly as he tightly shut his eyes. Noong muli niya iyong binuksan ay halos mawalan ako ng balanse dahil sa intensidad ng naghahalong emosyon doon.
"But don't I deserve to know him? Ganon na ba kalaki ang kasalanan ko sayo para ipagkait mo saakin ang sarili kong anak?"
"Sa-sasabihin ko naman..."
My voice came like a whisper, feeling a deep pain curving in my chest. Some part of my mind tells me that everything I did is just right! Because he hurt me! He ended us when he turned his back on me! It is telling me that he just deserves everything that he's feeling right now! But why does it hurts so much seeing all the pain painted in his face?
Why is my heart screaming for sorrys? Why do I feel the worst? Why am I hurting for him?
"You got many chances since we met! But you never once mentioned a single thing about him!"
"Why would I when you don't have any clue of his existence?"
"Then when would I have a clue? When would I deserve to hear that damn clues from you! Kung hindi ko siya nakita sa labas, ni hindi ko malalaman na ang tungkol sa kanya!"
"That's because I'm not ready!"
And I was slowly setting it up! I was willing to prepare my son into meeting him! But I didn't expect that they would meet just the same as the moment I became okay and open to it!
His expression became more pained. Kinain noon ang galit na nababakas sa kanyang mukha, making pain and sadness reign even on his eyes that's unusually full of emotions.
"But he's my son..."
My heart broke as I witness how a tear fell from his eyes. My hands turned cold and I started blaming and hating myself. Bakit ganon? Why am I always going back on the love that I have from him even if I also felt this pain just the same?... even greater?
"How many things about him shall I lose just because you're still not ready?" masakit niyang tanong saakin.
The tears that I am trying so hard to fight back fell from my eyes. Ang daya... I was all alone from all the pain I felt years ago. But here I am again, sharing his pain like mine wasn't enough.
"Why..." my voice was unstable so I decided to pause for a while "Why are you making it sound like it's my fault?" I asked with tears falling in my eyes.
He looked at me with frustration. His eyes are tired and his shoulders are loose like it doesn't have any strength.
"I know it's my fault. Ako naman palagi ang dapat sisihin diba? From being born up until now... it was all on me."
My lips parted. I wasn't able to understand what he said but my heart clenched feeling how heavy his words are.
"I just can't help but to ask, too... because it's so painful."
We stared at each other in silence. He looked away from me before he wiped his cheeks. He looked up to the ceiling before he sighed deeply. I remained watching him do it all.
After some seconds, he returned his eyes to me.
"Can I meet him?" It was calmer and more controlled even if I know he's just holding himself back. "Please... please let me meet him..."
I never thought that we would end up like this. With him, pleading to meet his own son. If fate is really the one who made us meet again, draw us back again, then why did it also ruined everything for us? It could have been beautiful, you know...
My tears fell continuously as I tried to avoid his eyes while nodding at him. I immediately turned my back to approach my table. I grabbed tissues from my tissue box while I was calling Criselle.
I asked her to go up now before I told her the floor number of my office. I put the call down when she said that they are already walking their way towards the elevator. I busied myself fixing my face because I don't want Aza to see evidence of my tears.
I turned my back again when I finished doing it. I leaned my hips on my desk as I looked at Six who's now bowing his head while sitting on the couch. His legs are spread a little wider. Nakapatong doon ang kanyang braso habang magkasalikop ang dalawa niyang kamay. It was hurting me to see how wrecked he was now.
Our heads both turned on the direction of my door when we heard a knock. I rose from leaning and I started walking towards the door. I can feel Six's eyes watching my every move.
"Mama, a lot of people are asking for my name." frowning, it was Azariah's words to me as I opened the door.
I smiled at him. "Did you give them your name, then?"
"No!"
"Ma'am, poging-pogi sila kay Aza!" Criselle told me but I ignored it.
I nodded at her. My eyes turned to Emma who's also watching us. Her face still mirrors curiosity but I'm happy that she's keeping her mum.
"Accompany her for a while, Emma."
"Yes, Ma'am..."
My eyes turned back on my son who's looking up at me, waiting for his turn on my attention. I smiled at him before I kneeled down and pulled him in my arms. He giggled before he hugged me back. My heart warmed. Aza's presence felt like easing my pain.
"I love you, baby..."
"Me, more, Mama!"
I chuckled and I let him go. I stood up properly again before I smiled at him and held his hand. I opened the door more for him so that we could enter back.
"Oh? Mister! You're here!"
I cannot help but to wonder... can he feel their connection? Because he was never nicer to a stranger like he is to Six right now. Azariah let go of my arms to run where Six was.
Six's eyes stared at him tenderly, like he was a miracle presented in front of me. I never saw Six this fragile and tranquil.
"Hello again!"
"Az..."
My voice is slightly shaking when I called him. Bukod sa kaba ko ay kinakain din ako ng sakit at pagsisisi para sa kanilang dalawa. I cannot help but ask myself too what Six asked me a while ago for Aza's part.
How many things about Six will Aza lose just because I'm not ready? Why do I feel like I'm the antagonist of their story?
I started walking towards them.
"Woah..." Aza muttered, amazed once again while looking at Six's face. "You're handsome! I wanna grow like you!"
"You will be better than me..." Six said.
"Baby..."
They both turned to me. I gasped and I looked away from Six. My heart somersaulted but I choose to focus my attention on Aza.
I sat beside Aza who's sitting beside Six. I held his arm to make him stand. I carried him to place him unto my lap after. I can feel how Six's eyes never left us.
"Aza... do you wanna meet Papa?"
My son's eyes sparkled as he heard familiar words. Just like these recent days, he really likes to hear even the simplest things that include his father.
"I do! But if he's busy, it's okay! Aza can wait, Mama..."
I bit my lips as my tears started to blur my visions again. I just cannot help but envy how pure his heart is...
"R-really? My baby's so nice..." I said, smiling at him, even with my faltering voice.
"Why, Mama?"
I shook my head to him. I gaze at Six who's still watching us closely. I can't even tell if he's blinking.
"What do you think of this Mister here?"
"Hmm, I like him because we look alike! He's like Papa!"
I nodded at him. Pilit kong pinakalma ang sarili kong mga emosyon. I held on Aza's back like I'm supporting him but I was really the one who's needing strength for him.
"What if he is, baby? Your Papa..."
My heartbeat's sound was so loud that it feels like everyone in the world can hear it. I watched Aza's expression. His forehead creased like he was trying to untie the small logic that was given to him. My eyes drifted to Six who's full attention was on his son.
Aza turned to me with wide eyes.
"Is he?"
I caressed his cheeks and forced to form a smile for him. I don't know if it turned out well.
"Hmm, baby..."
"My Papa, Mama?"
I bit my lips as I slowly nodded at him.
"Really?"
"Y-yup..." my tears fell from my eyes no matter how hard I tried to stop it.
Aza wasn't able to see it because his eyes are already focused on Six. Just like how I first saw them a while ago, both of them are staring at each other, figuring out, familiarizing themselves, getting to know each other through their eyes.
God... they are so much a like.
"Papa..."
Aza finally smiled, moved out of my lap, crawled their distance, and jump on his father's lap who's very ready to welcome his son.
"Hi..." Six's voice broke. "Hi, baby..."