The two trekked back to the motel room without any fanfare. Isabel returned to her scouting and Dick to his computer. Kaldur stood in the middle of the room, staring at the ground with a frown.
Dick paid no heed, instead making sure nothing had gone awry tech-wise while they were absent. Everything was fine, a quick look at the cameras revealed dim rooms inside the mountain, no one was about, Wolf was sleeping on Superboy's lap on the living room couch. Conner must have fallen asleep watching static, someone likely having come and turned off the tv but left the hero and his dog to rest. Dick felt a pang at the sight.
"why did you do that?"
Dick blinked and turned to face Kaldur, who was staring at him with a confused frown.
"what do you mean?"
"you saved those people, why?"
"there was no reason not to," Dick said with a shrug, then turned back to his computer.
"I didn't ask for the reasons not to, I asked for the reasons why," Kaldur said, "what did you gain? What made you want to go out of your way to help some random millionaire kids?"
Dick looked over his shoulder at Kaldur, realising that this wasn't going to be a quick conversation. He turned and leant against the bench, crossing his arms.
"I didn't gain anything, I didn't lose anything. It wasn't out of my way because the mobsters were easy targets, it took very little effort. I did it cause..." he shrugged, "why do I need a reason?"
Kaldur took a step forward, voice going low, "that doesn't sound like something an assassin would say."
Dick smirked and pointed to his face, "no mask, see? I'm not Renegade, I'm Richard-" he snapped his mouth closed, not having realised how he was going to finish that sentence before the second last word was out. Kaldur noticed the strange tone and the clear sign there was supposed to be more. He let it slide.
"you're always an assassin, you don't need the fancy gear," Kaldur said.
Dick let his expression drop and with it so did his stomach, "I'd thought you'd probably understand."
"I don't."
"don't lie to me," Dick said, a glare breaking out.
"what?"
Dick stepped forward, he and Kaldur were barely a handsbreadth apart as Dick stared into his eyes.
"you don't fool me, Kaldur, you never have."
Kaldur grit his teeth, "why don't you take that to Ra's Al Ghul? Or Savage? Or my father?"
As Dick remained silent Kaldur forged on.
"exactly, you don't know anything. you have no proof. Just a feeling."
"that's enough for me," Dick said, "and you're not denying it."
Kaldur tensed.
"so it was a test, then?" Kaldur asked, "to see what I'd do, given the chance to fall back on my old days as a hero?"
"No," Dick said, scowling, "it wasn't anything. I stepped in because-"
"because it was the right thing to do?" Kaldur said with a raised eyebrow. His tone was somewhere between mocking and dry, as if he wasn't sure if he was supposed to be being sarcastic or attempting to persuade.
"I- no," Dick said, "look, whatever, it was a split second decision. There was no consequences, no weight. Just a couple people about to be hurt. So yes, I stepped in, don't start suggesting-"
"it was just a meaningless heroic moment when you cared about your fellow man-"
"don't you dare," Dick hissed, "don't you dare talk like you know me, you don't know anything about who I do or don't care about."
"you saved people when it meant nothing, why can't you when it means something?"
Dick tensed, hands turning to fists, "you think it means anything?" the tension turned to bubbled laughter, his shoulders jerked as he looked away, "god, you are naïve."
"what are talking about?"
"you save the city because it means something, huh? Then you do it again, and again and again," Dick smiled as he waved his hands about dramatically, "and no matter how much you think it matters, you never finish the fucking job."
"why, because we don't kill? Because we don't think ourselves so powerful to have a right to choose who lives and dies?"
Dick stabbed a finger in Kaldur's face, "do I look like I think I'm some powerful dick with a stick up my ass? I kill because if I don't those people will go off and ruin thousands of lives, not just by ending them."
"you kill because Ra's tells you to."
"you don't know anything about why the league kills the people we do, you don't know anything about how it works." Oh shit, his throat was hurting. The frustration was starting to eb at his composure.
"then tell me, what gives Ra's the right to pick and choose?"
"he has people to protect." Why was he reacting so dramatically? Normally he could remain composed in a conversation like this.
"so do we, we manage it without bringing down the wrath of a well-trained sharpened blade."
"if you can't understand it, I can't explain it."
"that's bullshit," Kaldur said.
Dick blinked, staring at him for a moment. Was that the first time he'd heard Kaldur curse?
"no assassin saves people just because there was no reason not to. What stops you from making a difference by putting people in jail instead of killing them?"
"jail doesn't keep anyone, have you seen Arkham?" Dick forced a laugh, but it cut short rather quickly, "it's a joke! Not even Batman can keep Gotham safe, no matter what you do it's all for nothing! They break out, they keep killing."
"that's why Belle Reve exists."
"oh yeah, Waller's masterpiece. Not even superman can burst through those walls, god she's so prideful," Dick scowled, "those ice villains would have broken out if you hadn't intervened, you know? Not even your perfect prison was absent of issues."
"how did you know about that?" Kaldur startled.
"no computer's safe from me remember?" Dick said, bitterly, because he had to. He had to keep up the act, but even still he couldn't keep the tone out of his voice, "but hey, maybe I'll join you and spend all my time saving people who turn on me with smear campaigns as soon as something doesn't go perfectly right."
"if all you care about is the thanks, then you don't know why we do it."
"go fuck yourself, Aqualad," Dick scowled, "if I wanted to be a fucking hero, I would be. It's just not worth my effort."
Kaldur scowled, "you think that well of yourself?"
Dick snorted, "I'm confident in my abilities, I learnt from the best," his small smile turned sad, "I don't need anyone."
Kaldur frowned, leaning forward with a raised eyebrow, "absolutely no one?"
"no," Dick scowled, "I tried that, years ago, letting people help me, doesn't work," he shoved his hands in his pockets, "everyone leaves eventually, fish boy, it's a fact of life."
Kaldur crossed his arms, "what about your sister?"
Dick blinked, "what?"
"is your sister going to leave you? You said you'd prefer to be back with the league of assassins because your sister needs you, and your brother needs you, and Damian needs you."
Dick cursed himself for letting himself give so much away. This conversation had gone too far.
"are they going to turn around one day and leave you in the dust? Why bother helping them if there's no reason to?"
Dick grit his teeth, "fuck off."
"no, answer the question."
Dick glared, "they're my family, that's all you need to know."
"your family should be helping you. What goes around comes around," Kaldur said, "if they cared they'd choose you for a change instead of letting you run yourself ragged for them."
Dick stiffened, taking a deep breath that staggered slightly.
"If you can't answer that, then I have only one question for you. And if you answer it I'll leave it be." Kaldur said, "is the only reason you're with the league because you feel obligated to be with your family, to help them?"
Dick clamped his mouth shut. Kaldur watched him struggle with his words.
Dick breathed out between his teeth and shouldered past Kaldur. He ducked into the bathroom and slammed the door behind him, locking it before he leant against the door. It was dark, he hadn't turned on the light, but he could see the faintest bit of details in the murky shadows of the mirror. His reflection was just the dark shape of a person's torso and head, no detail, no individuality to it. just the shadow of a human figure.
"real mature," he heard Kaldur say outside the door.
"fuck off!"
"can you think of any other insults, or is that your go-to?"
Dick held his head in his hands, hair running through his fingers as he stared at the shadows and the darkness.
His sister's words rang through his mind.
you need to stop doing things just cause you're worried about me.
That would take a lot of things out of his schedule. A lot. Most of them.
He'd left the heroes because he was tired of picking everyone and thing else over himself. He'd had no plans, no home, nothing but Isabel and a bag of crap. He'd found a family. He stayed because they were his family.
Related by blood. Hadn't Cobb also fit that description? The family excuse didn't last long there.
Didn't last long at all.
what was it he'd thought to himself when he had strode back into the Railway station, wanting to prove himself?
It doesn't matter who Cobb is, he was not a Talon.
The tunnel was the same, it started sloping exactly where he remembered. Fucking Matilda hadn't been there to make him trip, so he was able to secure his line and abseil down. He switched on his torch, his old phone was still there, screen utterly destroyed.
"wow," Dick toed it with a grin, "I haven't had a phone since I was sixteen."
Isabel swooped down and landed on his shoulder. She helped guide him back to the room filled with coffins...
Dick snapped back to the present. This was no time for flashbacks, no time for going over everything he'd done wrong that night.
But what was the difference between Cobb and Ra's?
Well, Ra's wasn't a psychotic corpse trying to indoctrinate him into a murder cult. Ra's had practically become a grandfather figure.
He'd made the same mistake as the first time he was there. he got spiteful and petty and he wanted to prove something. He wanted to prove he wasn't made to be the stupid Gray son. What better way then destroying the court, razing it to the ground?
His questioning got the best of him and he reopened the coffin he'd stuffed Cobb into.
The body slumped out. Dead. As dead as could be. The electrum couldn't work in the cold, Cobb was dead. Dick had killed his great grandfather.
It didn't matter. He wasn't his family, he was himself. His blood didn't dictate his future.
He set the charges, lining them up as he had planned. Once they were set he took a seat at the computers, downloading everything he could. Then he headed to the aviary. With Isabel's help he managed to herd all the birds out.
After that it was simple: get out, press the button, ka-boom.
It hadn't quite ended that way.
But the court was gone, he'd succeeded in that form. The reason he'd stayed with the league was because they were his family, specifically Alex but Thalia as well in a roundabout way.
Or was it because he wanted something to believe in? was it because he'd just thrown out all the morals he'd been taught and was grasping for the first option he was given? Was it because he wanted to stick it to Bruce? Or perhaps the need to feel like he was actually doing something with his life?
No he knew what it was.
It was compliance.
So what if he hadn't given in to Cobb? He may not be a Talon but he was still an assassin. He'd thrown out everything he'd considered important and remade his entire belief system, the exact thing he'd told Cobb he wouldn't do.
He told himself he was making the choice, but he wasn't. he'd given up. Everyone was telling him he was made for being a merciless killer, he'd given up on fighting it. he'd resigned himself to it. it helped that he'd just stumbled across his long lost half-sister.
What had he become in his lack of care? In his numbness to his right to make a choice?
He'd become the one thing he said he wouldn't when he'd left the team. He said he'd gone to find a better way to save people, he said he'd given up on the job where he was always forced to choose others over himself, he said he was going to make his own way.
How well had he pulled that off?
About as well as he'd pulled off his attempt at destroying the court.
He should have known the nitrogen would run out. He should have known to be careful. But it had been fine before, he expected it to be fine again. It had not been.
He also should have known that Alex would have realised something was off and followed him. she had lost him and couldn't catch up, but when the Talons started bursting out Isabel went and found her.
That took time, though. Time enough for the talons to swarm. Dick had the same healing as them, but his was definitively slower. And as well trained as he was, one small mistake lead to more. He couldn't keep up against all of them. Especially when the injuries kept coming. The more he got the slower they healed, his body was struggling to keep up.
The Talons were fine. He could land a hit that broke bone and they would stumble back, shake it off, jerk their shoulder back into the right position and be perfectly fine.
Alex had called Thalia as Isabel guided her, but she still arrived alone. She'd found his bag, full of weapons, and immediately reached for the automatic rifle. If Dick remembered correctly he'd been hit with one of the bullets she'd sent spraying at the Talons. After that it was a bit of a blur. He managed to grit his teeth and keep fighting till Thalia, Slade and Ra's had shown up with a small group of assassins, having used a boom tube to get there quickly.
Dick had blacked out as soon as the explosion went off, Slade caught him.
They rushed back to Nanda Parbat, got him in the med bay with a breathing mask on. The doctors took one look and told Ra's to get him in the Lazarus pit.
"we can't."
Dick was only just conscious, the bare minimum, but even he was expecting Alex to say it.
"even with his healing factor, he won't be able to heal from this. He's spread thin. If it weren't for the advanced healing he'd probably have been dead hours ago."
Dick could hear it, could still remember the panic. He did not want to go in there. he'd seen how it affected Alex, he had watched how it wrecked her on some nights.
But was he so scared of the pits that he could die?
Eventually Alex gave in, on one condition: she went in with him.
Not to stay in, that would probably drive her insane. But she'd be lowering him in. she'd be taking him out.
Dick had winced as she held him. she could barely take the full weight. He was younger than her but he wasn't sixteen anymore. She'd given him a look as she lowered him in, a terrified look. But it had turned determined.
Dick was quite sure Alex thought he couldn't hear. He did, just barely. He'd been trying to make out the words for years now, trying to remember what she'd said. Now it was starting to come back.
"this is gonna hurt, Dick," she had said, "I know it's gonna hurt, but it'll make you better."
As she lowered him in his ankles hit the water, he shivered, grit his teeth. As the liquid submerged around his shoulders she'd leaned in close.
"I've got you, okay," she had said, "I promise, I'll always be here."
Dick fished the phone out of his pocket. He'd bought a new one after that sorry attempt at a battle, there weren't many contacts, but the most commonly texted one was the exact one he needed.
He was breathing heavily, he didn't know when that started. He clumsily typed the letters.
Alex if I ran away would you hate me?
He bit his lip as he deleted it.
Hey, hypothetically-
He deleted it again.
Alex-
Delete.
Okay, so, if I left-
He groaned as he key smashed, deleted it all and tried once more.
Alex what do I do when I'm questioning my entire life's choices?
He clicked send. Then held down the text bubble, clicked delete permanently. He threw the phone at the wall.
As it shattered on the tiles he remembered that Kaldur was still outside the door. He slammed his head into it, screwing his eyes shut and fighting the sob threatening to come up.
The box in his coat pocket felt like it was burning him. the sunstone was a weight, pulling him down.
What was he supposed to do now? Go out there and ask for forgiveness?
He couldn't. he couldn't go running back to batman, to the league. He couldn't go running back expecting the past six years to be forgiven and forgotten, as if they never happened.
God, what had he done?
What would his parents thi-
They'd be fine with it. that was the problem. Dick had to stop caring about what his parents would think, about what anyone would think. His father had been an assassin, his mother a master thief, and he was...
He was a guilt ridden child who was so scared of choosing his own path he'd gone with the one that had been pushed on him.
So what did he do now?
What was there to do? If he removed every influence of his family, his history, he was left with a healing factor, some damn good skills and the hope that he could make an effect on the world that wasn't for nothing.
But what constituted nothing? He'd always thought his work as a hero didn't matter much unless it was some big 'save the city' plot. He'd helped the average citizen of Gotham, but he was a teenager, he didn't realise that that's what being a hero was. It wasn't about dramatically saving everyone from Joker or Penguin. It was selflessly giving aid when the only reason was because you could.
Dick grabbed the door handle and opened it, Kaldur was stood outside, waiting.
Kaldur was only slightly surprised by Richard's reaction. He was expecting him to blow Kaldur off or do something to move the conversation topic, storming into the bathroom was just an extreme he hadn't specifically foreseen.
It did make this hard, though. Because now Richard knew for sure that Kaldur was a traitor. The only way to keep his cover was to either turn Richard to his cause or dispose of him. Kaldur knew he shouldn't take the chance and just knock him out, but something felt wrong about that. Especially when he clearly had a chance at turning Richard to the hero's cause, and he'd be useful.
But...
Kaldur still knew those eyes. God damnit, he knew them. He knew who this person was. He wanted to persuade them, to bring them to the light, to save them. He wanted to. He needed to. He didn't know why.
He sighed as Richard continued to be silent. Kaldur thought he heard something crash, maybe he'd hit something? There was a thump against the door, right under where Kaldur had rested his hand. He breathed, counting his breaths, as he waited for Richard to say something. His hand stayed against the door, if he let himself imagine he pictured Richard on the other side, his own hand mirroring Kaldur's. maybe he'd watched too many romantic movies. If it wasn't that image it was Richard's head against the door, glaring at the ground. Kaldur wanted the door to be gone, to vanish, so he could grab on to Richard and pull him close. Tell him that the justice league wasn't the assassins or the light. They could accept mistakes, could forgive.
The silence stretched, perhaps Richard would not be fulfilling any of those fantasies-
The door opened, Kaldur dropped his hand. Richard stood in the doorway, staring at nothing.
"what's your plan?"
"what?"
He turned his gaze on Kaldur, "I suppose you're ferrying information to the league, and that Tigress is actually Artemis with some magical glamour charm. What's your plan? You can't just stay undercover forever, there has to be an endgame."
Kaldur blinked. Could he trust him? could he trust a man who's name literally meant 'to betray'?
Richard pursed his lips.
"the league of assassins is attempting to leave the light, without putting themselves in contempt. So many other issues have been occurring, I've heard the light wants to have a... meeting, with the reach."
"a summit?"
"of a sort."
Kaldur nodded, "we could use it as a chance to get proof."
Richard nodded, "you'd need the security to be swayed."
"I can make it so I'm put in charge of it."
"and the light is looking for a new enforcer," Richard said, "I can coerce Slade to do it, he can be in on it."
"are you sure?"
"we all hate the reach, and by extension the light for bringing them here. Savage is going too far."
"you trust Deathstroke?"
"with my life."
"and if, when all is said and done, he is on the opposing side?"
"he's family."
"but if he and Ra's and Thalia don't want to run the risk of opposing the light?"
Richard looked like he was struggling. Kaldur took a step forward, wanting to reach out. He stopped himself.
"I can't make decisions based on what my family want."
Kaldur nodded.
Richard took a deep breath, "we're gonna need a plan."
"tomorrow's mission to the mountain..."
Dick looked up, curious.
"I will use it to ferry a message to Batgirl," he said, "we will find a way to have a meeting, we will make this work."
Richard nodded, silent. The two watched each other for a long time.
"why take the risk?" Richard asked.
"what do you mean?"
"why risk confronting me about this," Richard said, slowly, "If you couldn't persuade me you'd have blown your cover."
Kaldur opened his mouth to speak, couldn't find the words, closed it.
He stared at Richard's eyes, still trying to place them.
"I think I know you."
Richard blinked, genuinely surprised, his voice was breath, "what?"
"I know you, from somewhere, I'm sure of it," Kaldur said, frowning, "and I'm sure that you know where."
Richard bit his lip and looked away, "I don't want to talk about that."
"so it's true?" Kaldur said, "we've met before?"
Richard grit his teeth and walked over to the computer, using the excuse of checking the systems. He leaned over the keyboard against the bench.
"no," Kaldur said, grabbing his shoulder and turning him around, "no, I've had enough of the secrets. I'm trusting you, Richard." He let his expression hold the truth of the statement, "you don't have to tell me everything, just tell me that you know me, tell me how."
"I can't."
"I don't need a name or a detailed story," Kaldur said, holding onto Richard's shoulders, "just tell me how I know you, it's driving me insane."
Richard looked him in the eyes, face sad but also... something else, he wasn't sure what, was swimming in his expression. He shook his head.
"why not?"
"because I know what you'll think of me!" Richard scowled, pushing Kaldur's hands away.
"I trust you-"
"it's not about trust," Richard said, "I know that's already broken, it has been for years. It's about the look I know you'll give me if I tell you who I am- who I was."
Kaldur sighed. He should drop this, he should let it go. But he needed to know. If he didn't he'd spend the rest of his life wondering.
"you don't want to know, Kal," Richard said, voice low, a spiteful smile starting to grow at the corners of his mouth, "you have other things to focus on than your disappointment."
"you think I'd be disappointed?" Kaldur said with a raised eyebrow, "you're probably the most skilled assassin I've ever met. What, did you try to kill me once and failed?"
Richard snorted, "you have no idea how far from truth that is," he looked away, "that's the problem though."
"what?"
Richard didn't answer.
"what do you mean that's the problem?"
Richard shook his head and crossed his arms.
"Richard-"
"Dick."
Kaldur blinked, "excuse me?"
Richard smiled, only small, and looked down, "Dick Grayson."
Kaldur stared. Eyes fixated on Richard's face, fixated on Richard's eyes. That bright blue. He'd known it. all this time he'd known it.
They were what stared at him from the photos of the team, from the newspapers. They haunted him from his memories. The friend he couldn't find, the friend he always missed, the friend he felt he'd failed.
"Robin?"
The word was a whisper. Kaldur couldn't believe it, couldn't make himself believe it because it seemed so impossible. But he said the word, and with it and Richard's reaction it became truth.
Richard smiled in a sad way, looking down at the ground, "I think I've outlived that title."
Kaldur stared.
"probably don't deserve it anyway."
Kaldur shook his head, "I..." he looked Richard up and down.
"thought I was dead?" Dick said with the smallest of smirks.
Kaldur's head kept shaking as his face slowly turned from surprised to happy, as his eyes crinkled and his mouth turned upwards, "never."
Dick chuckled, disbelieving.
"I knew you were alive," Kaldur laughed, it was the only warning Dick got because the next second Kaldur had grabbed his long lost friend's shoulders and pulled him into a crushing hug, "I knew it."
Dick was laughing, arms grabbing Kaldur around the shoulders in a long needed embrace. He buried his face in Kaldur's neck.
Kaldur pushed out of the hug, staring incredulously, "Your sister is Thalia Al Ghul's daughter?"
Dick burst into laughter, running one hand through his hair, "yeah."
Kaldur seemed to realise something, then grabbed Dick's shoulders again, "Jason's alive."
"yes," Dick said, eyes bright, "Ra's... I don't know, he put Jason in the pits. I don't know why. He wanted to go back and find Batman but he was... this ball of rage, and, he had to stay so he could control it."
"but he's alive," Kaldur said, "oh my god, Barbara is gonna freak out about this."
"it is Barbara, I knew it!" Dick pointed in Kaldur's face, "do you have any idea how many times she tried to persuade me to teach her to be a hero?"
Kaldur snorted and held a hand over his mouth.
"Oh my god, she's gonna kill me," Dick said, "so is Artemis. They are all going to kill me."
"oh, yeah, Wally's been looking for you for a while."
Dick shook his head, "of course he has."
"hey, he never got over your last conversation with him."
Dick blinked, "really?"
Kaldur frowned, "no, why?"
"he didn't tell you?"
"tell me what?"
Dick rubbed at the back of his head, "uh, well." He laughed awkwardly, "we kinda professed our love and then yelled about being useless for a bit and then I disappeared."
"well," Kaldur shrugged, "that's probably why he never got over it. he owes you an apology and a punch in the face."
Dick giggled.
Kaldur took a deep breath, fighting off further laughter, "I should be yelling at you about disappearing."
Dick nodded, "oh yeah."
"I can't believe you just... left," Kaldur said, running a hand along his head, "no one thinks you're dead, but-"
"I'm sorry," Dick said, "not to Batman, he can suck it."
Kaldur couldn't fight the laugh this time.
"but you and the team... you were my friends, my family, and I just disappeared." He sighed, "I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone when I left I was just... tired of Batman and going through some stuff, but that's no excuse for the pain I put you all through."
Kaldur grabbed him by the shoulders into a hug once more, this time less exuberant and more comforting.
"remember who you're talking to," he muttered, "I'm the one making my friends believe I'm a traitor. I get it."
"you're not actually a traitor, though," Dick said, voice sad, "I am."
"was."
Dick smiled into Kaldur's shoulder, "don't expect me to give out information on the league of assassins."
"never," Kaldur said, "they're your family, too. I guess you'll have to awkwardly walk the line."
"Hey, I'm a circus kid," Dick shrugged, "I can walk a tightrope."