THE START
I feel dizzy even thinking about anyone right now. It's funny how people would laugh it off that how could a sixteen year old get depressed even after having someone to be dependent on - *sigh* if they'd just know a bit more about me. Most of the time, i look for ways to die, the highest buildings, the sharpest knife, a surgical blade, sleeping pills, poision and somedays i just don't want to cry when my mother would beat the shit out of me just cause i didn't do things as they were suppose to or just fake things whenever i had to.
Oh anyways, I'm such a forgetful person, hi, I'm zoya! You've probably came across this name alot of times, I'm surely not alive, I'm just breathing. But doesn't that mean I'm pretty much alive? - never mind.
It's been more than 3 years since i have been giving myself fake hopes and lying to everyone. 3 years since i saw him taking that leap from the tall building.... I thought i would change, and we both would outlive our fears, i thought that we'd last, he wouldn't give up, but soon i realised nothing lasts forever.
People have normalised lying somehow, even though they wouldn't just agree it, it's true. Moreover the thing that sucks the most is lying to yourself, isn't it? and from what i have known, it totally changes you, yes the whole you. You become a different person maybe for better or worse. Well this year i decide not to be suicidal, and even if i do, let's see because the exit button is as easy as a piece of cake. There are so many ways to die.
It's funny how some people can't just have a good dream or wet dreams or dreams that'd be so good and not having to wake up and be so cranky every time someone calls your name and you feel like screaming and ripping your ears. Well I certainly know how you feel because I'm some people. Sometimes i wish i could kill someone, not just as in having something to do with killing them that includes lots of blood, no no no I'm also talking about how i could kill them changing who they were to who i want them to be. Haven't you tried it once? if you said no, you're obviously lying. I killed alot of people. And alot more to go.
Hopefully i will keep writing on this journal everyday, until next time if i wake up from the bed.