PAST
Her heart pounded painfully against her chest. Her breathing was deep and heavy trying to capture every bit of oxygen. Her body was weakened and exhausted as she stood hunched over staring down into the toilet bowl. Taking in the disgusting sight of vomit floating inside and spewed over the toilet seat. Her throat burned from the stomach acid that dared to damage her esophagus.
Weakened by the horrible morning sickness that had taken over since finding out she was pregnant, she managed to shuffle her way to the bathroom mirror. She peered up slowly to her reflection. To the girl staring back at her through weak eyes decorated with dark circles and heavy lids. Rolling some toilet paper, she slowly wiped the hanging drool from her mouth that had been induced by the heavy vomiting.
A gentle knock at the door tore her from her reflective staring contest and weakness induced trance.
"Justice. Are you okay?"
It was her mother. Taking a deep breath, she responded, "I'm fine."
There's a pause before her mother's reply. "We have to leave for therapy in 5 minutes."
Justice doesn't respond. Instead she looks back at her reflection. She hated therapy.
She stared at the window as she sat in the passenger seat on her way to see her therapist Dr. Herdan. He was a stiff man in his mid 40s. He seemed nice enough but he was very by the book. In other words, he lacked empathy and failed to understand the emotional turmoil Justice was battling from the fire of her high school, to falling pregnant as a teenager. Having to leave her friends at school and Johnny. She hadn't spoken to Johnny since the last time he visited her at the hospital.
She hadn't told him she was leaving. Not a text, a call or an email. She had even changed her number. How could she tell him what happened? She feared he would completely omit her from his life if he found out she had fallen pregnant.
So she thought it to be best to block him from her life instead.
She just couldn't handle that kind of rejection from him. Not from Johnny.
Dr. Herdan did nothing but talk during their sessions. And everything had to be backed by books. Justice could tell that, clearly, he had never gone through anything emotionally traumatic and maybe that's why he had no empathy. Perhaps he just could not relate. So, honestly, their sessions made her feel worse. . .not better.
She stopped seeing him after a month of going. She wanted to quit after the first appointment but her mother and primary care physician insisted it took time to build a rapport with someone new as with any relationship.
After a month, Justice decided she had tried enough.
Quitting therapy did nothing but make her nightmares worse. Constantly reliving the fire, the wall that collapsed around her and could have killed her. All she remembered before the collapse was seeing Johnny's concerned face. The fear behind his eyes would have been the last thing she saw before her death had she not survived. But he had come back for her.
He risked his life for her.
That always haunted her. Made her wonder how he was handling things. Was he getting the mental help he needed like she was trying to do? Did he have the same support. Johnny seemed strong but he was only human and Justice could only imagine if he was suffering from horrid nightmares like she was.
She wondered if he hated her now. For vanishing without a single trace.
What an awful friend she was. He was her best friend and she completely cut him out.
This, along with the nightmares, always haunted her. Don't think she didn't wonder if he had moved on. She feared that the most.
The nightmares became too much and prompted Mr. A to do his own research and he was recommended a well-known and highly praised therapist from a co-worker who said their wife and other family members had been going to for years. So, when Justice was 5 months along, she went to her first appointment to see Dr. Maxwell. A man also in his mid 40s but with a more relaxed yet still professional approach.
"Please, call me Danny." He said the first time he met Justice. He had stood as soon she entered the room and even offered to help the heavily pregnant teenager to the couch. Before he began asking questions or even began the session, he made sure that she was comfortable.
Justice found it much easier to open up to Danny. She felt much more comfortable, he had empathy for her and concerns for her worries. Even if he had never gone through what she had, you wouldn't be able to tell by how empathetic and logical he was. Justice left that first meeting feeling a sense of relief and that was the first night since the tragedy that she had slept without nightmares.
When she was 6 months pregnant, Justice's doctor placed her on bedrest. She spent most of her days watching TV, streaming videos online, eating and unfortunately left alone to her overthinking mind. Her mother and father kept her company often as well as her younger brother Eric. But for the most part she was alone.
Dr. Maxwell, concerned with how this would affect her mental health, began to email her daily as a morning check in and he visited her weekly to have their meetings in-home. He also gave her his work cell phone number and told her to call any time she needed him.
Danny was a huge help to Justice and with the support of her family and her therapist, she felt she would make it through all of this. It helped her stay mentally strong through everything.
Unfortunately, it did not completely omit the nightmares and her family was woken up on numerous occasions to her screaming in her sleep.
Every time it was her father that burst through the door and quickly grabbed her daughter and rocked and lulled her until she fell asleep.
* * *
PRESENT
The sound of the alarm rang obnoxiously throughout the room. Justice's eyes opened slowly and she groaned in annoyance before slapping the alarm clock into silence. Longing to succumb to more slumber, she rolled onto her side and closed her eyes again. Before she could grasp sleep again, Mr. A poked his head, eagerly through the door. "Justice?"
She responded groggily, "Hmm?"
"I heard your alarm clock. Are you getting up yet?"
"Yeah." she mumbled, her eyes still sealed shut.
"Well, when you get up, meet me downstairs. I need to talk to you."
"Okay." Justice mumbled into her pillow.
When her father was gone, she rolled over onto her back and stared up at the ceiling. She was so exhausted it took her a minute to process their brief conversation. Taking a glance at her clock and seeing that it was after 8am, she knew she better get up. It wasn't early enough to laze around.
Without a second thought, she rolled out of bed and headed out the door. Walking down the stairs, she wiped at her tired eyes as she lazily searched for her father. She found him sitting at the dining room table with a newspaper in hand and sipping from his coffee mug.
Pulling up a chair, she sat down across from her father and forced her body to sit up right and her eyes to stay open as her eyelids felt like lead. Mr. A looked up at her curiously. "What time did you go to bed, Justice?" he asked.
She shrugged, the act seeming to take even more energy from her. "I don't know."
"I told you," her father began, "I told you you shouldn't have waited up for me."
Justice didn't say anything.
Realizing his daughter was much more exhausted than he first realized, he told her to go back to bed. Where she slept for another couple of hours and then he drove her to school.
"How are you feeling now, bud?" he asked as he was driving to Degrassi.
"Fine." she said as she peered out the window.
He glanced at her before returning his attention to the road. Now was as good as any to talk to her about what was on his mind. "You still want to go to yours moms?"
She nodded. "Yes. Why?"
"I talked to your mother the other night." he said. "She's getting everything in order for us to make our visit with Johnny."
Instantly, he had Justice's undivided attention.
"Let Johnny know as soon as possible because our flight is booked for this weekend."
* * *
Justice anxiously awaited to see Johnny. She was both nervous and excited to tell him the news. However, she didn't see him all morning. When she did come across him, he was sitting at the picnic tables with Bruce and Derek. She stopped at the door. Johnny's eyes rose up to meet hers. He must have sensed something in her eyes because he said something and she watched Bruce and Derek look up to her. A bright grin flashed across both their faces before they got up and walked off somewhere outside.
When Johnny's eyes met hers again, she opened the door and approached the table. "Hey." she said as she sat across from him.
"Hey, Justice." he said, fighting a smile.
"I have good news." she said.
She went on to tell him everything that her father said. Johnny listened intently but seemed happy to hear the news. The bell rang suddenly and Justice got up to leave but not before turning back to Johnny. "I'm not ready for this to get out so please don't tell anyone." she said before walking away.
Johnny just stared after her. He hadn't planned on it.
***
With the nervous weight off her shoulders, Justice walked into the theatre room ready to deal with any bull crap that Freddie threw at her. Nothing could ruin her day now! Everything was working out better than she had expected.
As soon as she entered the theatre everyone fell silent and stared at her. Her smile fell as she stared back at everyone in confusion. What happened? Had she spilled something on herself? Did she step in poop?
Just as soon as they looked at her, everyone fell back into what they were originally doing. Perplexed by the strange behaviors, Justice continued passing everyone as she was making her way to the stage but was stopped by someone grabbing her arm and she turned around.
It was Declan.
He had concern in his eyes. "Can I talk to you?" he asked.
She nodded and allowed him to lead her to the stage and behind the curtain.
"What's up, Declan?" she asked as he turned to face her.
"There's been a rumor spreading around all morning about you."
Justice almost laughed, "That seems to be happening a lot lately."
Declan's face is like stone. Not even a hint of a smile. "This is serious, Justice."
Her smile dropped as she realized how serious he was. "What is it?"
He stared at her in the eyes, "Is it true that you and Johnny have a child together?"
Justice could have fallen dead at that very moment because her heart felt like it stopped beating. Her breath caught in her throat and she could almost feel an impending panic attack. Declan's features were like ice, his eyes continuing to hold her own in wait for her response. "Is it true, Justice?"
Justice opened her mouth to speak but the words wouldn't form at first. When she did speak, she neither confirmed nor denied. "Where did you hear this from?" she asked, fighting the shake in her voice.
Declan's expression softened, "I don't know the source. Too many people know to tell who started it." His face completely softened as he began to feel sympathy for Justice. "I don't care to know if it is true or not." he said. "But whoever told this story made you look bad. My advice to you is to clear this up. It's not looking too good."
Justice nodded, still in complete shock and now wondering just what all was told about her. "Thanks, Declan." she said. "I'm going to miss class today, okay."
Declan nodded, promising to cover for her.
Justice left the auditorium quickly, and raced down the hallways in search for someone. There was only one person that knew about this and she was going to set this straight.