I was standing in the basement of the house I grew up in, my father was pointing a gun at Rose and then fired. I screamed as she fell to the ground and Aaron came up behind me. He was staring right at me but it was like he looked right through me.
"Do something!" I yelled at him. "Help her, please," I begged him.
He didn't move, just kept watching as I continued to scream.
And then I was on the floor and the bullet had gone right through my brother's green jacket, right through my skin and ripped my heart to pieces.
I woke up in cold sweat, panicking.
"It's in me," I whispered to myself as I took off the t-shirt I slept in, "fuck, fuck, fuck, where is it?"
I searched my chest with my hands for the bullet wound, but I couldn't find it. It was in me, I could feel it ripping me apart and I had to get it out. Tears were already running down my face and it was hard to breathe. I could feel it tearing up my heart, and when my heart was in pieces it traveled to my lungs, then my liver and then my kidneys. I laid there on my stomach, crying into the pillow, completely destroyed on the inside.
I couldn't go back to sleep after that, so I decided to get out of the building. I snuck out of the apartment as quietly as possible, I didn't want to wake Penelope and explain what happened, I wasn't even sure I knew myself. It was just a bad dream.
I felt like I could finally breathe properly when I stepped outside. I decided to walk around for a bit, try to get that dream out of my head. It was still pretty early, though the streets were empty, which was good because I didn't want anyone to see me cry. The dream had felt so real, Aaron just watching me die.. it made my heart feel heavy.
I started to think about something Rose used to say to me, back when I had just moved in with her. I was so lost at the time, maybe I still am, and she always said "listen to your heart, it will never lie to you." But how am I supposed to listen to my heart when my heart doesn't want to speak to me? I betrayed it the second I left Quantico, the moment I turned my back to Aaron at the airport. However, London was good, good for my soul, but what's a soul when you don't have a heart to match.
I stopped in front of a 24/7 barber shop. Maybe I should?
Before I knew it, I was in the shop, in a chair, telling a young woman to chop it all off. She was hesitant at first, but then cut it to my shoulders, because why would she care if I committed hair suicide?
"You look good," she said afterwards, giving me a warm smile in the mirror.
I bit my bottom lip as a sour feeling crept up my face. I stared at my reflection, not recognizing myself.
"It's fine," I said. "How much do I owe you?"
I knew where I needed to go after that. I hadn't visited since the last time I was here, five years ago. I knew I should've gone there as soon as I came back, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
I stared at the ground, grass covering most of it, although, small bumps of dirt could be found here and there. I put my arms around myself in an attempt to get warmer, rain threatened in the air and I knew that if I didn't get out of the cold I was going to get one. I couldn't go before I remembered where she was, where we left her.
My knees hit the ground and as my hands went through the grass, there must be a trace somewhere. My cheeks turned hot and wet from the rain that had started to fall. I walked on my hands and knees through the cemetery, until a hand grabbed my upper arm and pulled me to my feet. He grabbed both sides of me to keep me from falling.
"What are you doing, Alex?" He asked, his jacket tightly shut and hair plastered to his forehead, but I couldn't answer him. "Alex?" He shook me gently.
"I don't.. I don't remember."
"You don't remember what?" He looked at me with concern in his eyes, concern that I didn't really deserve.
"We had to cremate her because I couldn't afford a headstone," I let out a long breath. "I suck, Spencer, I. fucking. suck."
"No, you don't, Alex," he said softly. "She wouldn't have wanted you to spend all your money on this," he comforted me.
I tried to wiggle my way out of his grip, but he was stronger than me. I kicked and turned and punched, but all he did was pull me to his chest and held me tight.
"Let me go," I pleaded to his chest. "I need to find her, I need her," I whispered.
Spencer turned me around and held my back to his chest," she's right there, Alex," he pointed a few feet in front of us. "She's right where we left her, remember?"
And I did, I did remember. I fell to my knees and I cried, I cried my heart out and if Spencer hadn't been there to hold me, I might've never stopped.
"We need to go to the hospital," he said then.
"No, Spence, I'm fine," I dried the tears on my cheeks.
"No, it's Garcia."
***
When we arrived at the hospital everyone was already there, everyone except Morgan who came just a few minutes after us.
"Where were you? I tried calling you," JJ said.
I could see Spencer opening his mouth in the corner of my eyes, but I was quicker. "Sleeping," I said through gritted teeth and he quickly shut his mouth.
"What happened?" Morgan asked.
"She was shot," Aaron said.
I took in a sharp breath, Spencer had filled me in on the way here, and I managed to have another breakdown before entering the hospital, hopefully nobody had noticed.
"By who?" I asked.
"By whom," Spender corrected me.
"Not now, Spencer," my hands curled in fists and I could feel heat rising to my cheeks.
"Sorry.." he murmured.
"We don't know," Aaron said.
"Has the police got any leads?" Morgan asked.
"I spoke to the lead detective, he doesn't think we'll get anything from the scene," Aaron answered, putting his arms over his chest.
"Alex?"
I turned around and came face to face with, "Scott?"
"Hey, how are you?" He smiled.
"Well, I'm in the hospital so things could be better," I sighed. "What about you?"
"Great! Things are working out with Lindsay," he said cheerfully.
"Lindsay?" I frowned, then realized, "oh.. Lindsay," I nodded. Of course her name's fucking Lindsay, goddamn it.
"Yeah," he let out a breath. "Wanna sit, catch up?"
"Sure," I said, I didn't want to, really, but I couldn't say no, the night's been a fucking nightmare, anyways.
We sat down on a couch, a bit away from the rest of the group. As soon as I hit the couch, I could feel entire night weighing on my shoulders. It was hard to keep my eyes open, and a loud thumping began to grow in my head. I took a few deep breaths to calm down, but I couldn't ignore the panic I felt in my chest.
"You alright?" Scott asked, eyebrows raised.
"Yeah, fine."
"You cut your hair?" It was more a statement than a question.
"Oh, yeah," I hade almost forgotten about it, no one on the team had mentioned it, although I'm sure they all had noticed. "I needed a change."
"Looks good," he smiled.
"Thank you."
"So, you and Aaron are still together, huh?" He asked and leaned back comfortably on the couch.
"Oh, no," I shook my head, "why would you think that?"
"Come on, he still looks at you the same," he smiled.
"I don't know what you mean."
"It's the same way he looked at you when we were going out," he explained. "He looks at you like you're the only person in the room."
I shook my head, "no," I said, "Aaron does not look at me anymore, trust me."
"He's looking right now," Scott smirked and nodded towards the rest of the team.
I turned my head only to catch Aaron looking in the other direction.
"Penelope Garcia?" A doctor said.
"I gotta go," I said to Scott.
"Yeah, of course, it was good to see you," he smiled. I smiled back before joining the team.
"The bullet went into her chest and bounced into her abdomen, she lost a lot of blood, and it was touch and go for a while but we were able to repair the injuries," he started. "She can actually walk out of here in a couple of days," the doctor said. Aaron and Morgan thanked him, and then he was on his way.
"I'm gonna find this piece of shit, and I'm gonna kill him," I said, feeling hot and dizzy.
"No," Aaron answered. "Dave and I will go to the crime scene, the rest of you should be here when she wakes up."
"No! I don't want to be here, Aaron, somebody hurt her," I pointed to the room where P was, "and I need to be out there and find out who it was," I narrowed my eyes at him. He narrowed his eyes back and there seemed to be a spark of electricity going between us.
"Whom," Spencer whispered.
"I'm this close to ruining your life," I warned him.
"Calm down, Alex," Dave put a hand on my shoulder.
"I am fucking calm!"
"Where were you?" JJ asked Morgan, probably to diffuse the situation.
"Uhm.." he started, "I was at church"
"Well, God is dead Derek, and soon that son of a bitch will be too," I turned my back to them and made my way to the door.
"Where are you going?" Spencer asked.
"To find that asshole."
"And what are you going to do then?" JJ asked.
"I'll burn that bridge when I come to it," I answered.
"That's not how you say-"
"Whatever."