𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒓𝒂𝒃𝒖 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒂 𝒔/𝒐 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒂𝒏 𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒅𝒊𝒔𝒐𝒓𝒅𝒆𝒓
❁ུ۪*❃ུ۪*❀⑅*❁ུ۪
- he has read a lot about mental illnesses during his college time and added to that, he is a very intelligent and observing person, so he quickly notices your patterns
- counting your calories, making excuses that you already ate, avoiding foods with high fat, weighing yourself each morning and evening, refusing to go out to eat with him, the list goes on
- he needs a little time to think about the right way to approach you and talk about this so that he won't hurt your feelings
- he may act like a sassy lil shit to others, but since he notices that you are uncertain about your appearance, he would never make a bad comment about how you look
- instead, he praises you and makes sure to tell you that you look beautiful, no matter if you're wearing make up or just got out of bed
- but he quickly notices that your morphed vision of your own body is way too strong and one time, in the middle of the night, he hears you throwing up in the bathroom
- he waits for you to come out and then asks if you can talk and you hesitantly nod
- even though he planned out a few things to say to you in this case, the entire scene overwhelms him and he's not sure what to say, so he tells you that he's there for you and you start crying
- you're actually thankful because he doesn't ask questions or makes you feel guilty by asking why you haven't told him about your illness
- it feels good to finally be able to cry your heart out and at one point, you start to cling to his shirt, sobbing apologies because you're such a mess, that you hate yourself and how you look, that you don't want anyone else to see you because you feel so disgusted by yourself
- he allows you to speak out whatever you need to say and when you are done and your breathing is a little more calm, he starts to list all the things he loves about you
- he says that the voice inside of your head is a little bitch and he's ready to fight it and that makes you laugh a little, to which he smiles and pushes a kiss against your lips, assuring you that you will get through this, that you're stronger than your illness and that no matter if you feel weak or strong, he's there to support you
━━━━━━━━━
Tears stung in your eyes as you gagged around your finger in your throat, the bitter taste of bile filling your mouth.
Panting and blinking out a tear that ran down your cheek, you pushed your body back, your knees hurting from resting on the hard tiles of the bathroom.
Feeling empty and a little cleaner, you rose to your feet and walked towards the sink, where the water was still running to drown the noises of you throwing up.
After washing out your mouth and your lips, you walked out the door and winced a little when Shirabu suddenly stood in front of you.
“Are you okay?”
You put on a smile and nodded, trying to ignore the still sour taste in your throat.
“Did you throw up?” he asked and gently took your hand, caressing its back.
You leaned your head to the side, looking down at your connected hands.
It was hard to look at Shirabu's eyes while lying. It was hard in general to lie to him.
“A little. I guess I ate something wrong.”
“But you only ate a few fruits today.” he said and made your heart beat faster with anxiety.
You gasped for something to say, but kept quiet as you continued to stay at your hands.
(y/n).” he said and you looked up.
“Can we talk?”
Your stomach dropped.
This would be it. He would leave you because you were such a burden and so weird.
Nevertheless, you nodded, unable to speak and he held your hand the entire time you walked to the living room.
He sat down with you and your heart beat harshly in your chest.
“Listen, (y/n), you know you can talk to me, right?”
You nodded once more, waiting for him to finally tell you he'd leave you.
“About anything.”
You nodded again and were a little confused when you saw a hurt expression on your face.
“Like, I don't know how to say this the right way, but I am worried. You barely eat, count calories and vanish to the bathroom so often. I have the feeling that you don't feel good and I really want to help you. But I can only do that if you talk to me.”
It was hard to swallow the tears and the knot in your throat, but you smiled and gently caressed his cheek.
“Thanks for your concern, but I'm fine, Kenjirou.”
He didn't believe you, you saw it in his eyes.
“It's okay to not be fine all the time, (y/n).
It was such a simple sentence, but it made you loose all your strength and willpower to keep up the act.
The first tear fell down your cheek and your lips trembled.
You felt how Shirabu moved a little closer, still holding your hand and caressing your back with the other hand.
His touch made you feel safe and you started crying, your tears washing away the mask you had kept on wearing for so long.
You buried your face in your hands as your body was shook by sobs, his hand running over your back.
“I hate my body so much. I hate how I look and I- I just don't want anyone to look at me.”
Your voice broke in another painful sob that stung in your throat and your face distorted into a grimace of pain.
“(y/n), look at me.”
Upon hearing Shirabu's voice, you rose your head and looked at him through blurry eyes.
He wiped a tear from your cheek.
“I know that probably won't change your own image of yourself, but I just want you to know that I think you're beautiful. You're gorgeous and every time I look at you, I have no idea what I did to deserve someone as intelligent and beautiful like you.”
New tears rolled down your cheeks, no matter how hard you tried to hold them back and you wiped your face over and over.
“I'm here for you, okay? I'm here and I'm not going anywhere.” he continued with a soft voice and you nodded, feeling how the tears slowly ran out.
Sniffing and dropping your exhausted hands into your lap, you continued to look into his eyes, seeing that he really meant his words.
“The voice in your head is a stupid and blind bitch if it thinks you're ugly.”
His salty comment made you chuckle a little through the tears and you wrapped your arms around him, feelings his warmth as he returned the hug.
“I know, it's pretty dumb.” you responded with a low voice.
He pushed a kiss against your forehead and caressed your cheek.
“I know it's probably hard to ignore the things it says to you, so if you need a talk, always come to me.”
You nodded, feeling a little guilty because you bothered him.
“We can also look for a therapist together, if you want that and feel ready for that.” he said with a soft voice.
A little bit of fear rushed through you and you grabbed him a little harder.
You didn't want to visit someone and talk about this.
It would only make you feel more like a freak.
“Yes... maybe.”
He noticed the hesitant and frightened tone in your voice, so he pulled back and took a look at your face.
“We don't have to, you have all the time in the world. And I promise you that I'll stay by your side and be always there for you.” he said and his words calmed you.
You smiled a little.
It was rare that Shirabu made promises.
But when he did, he never broke them.