"S-Commander Smith, Captain Levi," You attached a stiff salute on each of their names, but you doubted it's doing anything good to alleviate the tension.
Yup, with Erwin's hardened, fixed stare, you doubted anything could get you out of it.
Your lips trembled, it didn't mean to, and it couldn't stop even when you tried. Then it wasn't just the lips; the jaw, your very hands...
"W-What we were just talking abo—"
"I believe a cell to accommodate you would be appropriate," Erwin didn't even let you finish your stammered words.
"Y-You're going to hand me over to the Military Police? Again?" The words came strained from your throat, the thought of spending a night or weeks strapped in a chair made you shudder, you could hardly breathe.
"No, not the Military Police, our intelligence unit should suffice—"
"But you don't have an intel unit." You argued, your chest raising and falling at a panicked rate. At this point, even you could hear the desperation in your tone. A part of you was in denial. There's no way Erwin would actually hand you over to hurt you, right? You're useful to the cause. He made a way for you to stay safe inside the corps even when it meant you worked today's breaths and you still have your head by sunrise.
But the bigger chunk was that, you knew Erwin is capable of doing this . If he calls the shots why you're breathing, he calls the shots why you won't. It's his call when you'd be stuck in a cell and his call of how many bruises and nails will it be. He's perfectly capable of sending fresh recruits to a suicide mission, then there's no stopping him from torturing one.
"You gave me your word. You said you'd keep me alive," Your tone rose the closer you got to the commander. You walked up to him, grabbed what you could, grovelled if needed to be, but Levi and Miche restrained you before you could beg for your safety.
"You said you'd keep me safe— how could you keep up a straight face—"
"I said I'll keep you alive, and I'm keeping my word."
Your mind went blank for a second. Not one of your muscles moved. Of course. All the things you did and not one mattered. The chuckles came and the anger began to swell in your chest like undisciplined lava without the restraints of trenches, reducing it to a resigned, mocking whisper.
"Wow," You licked your lips, unable to look at your betrayer. "I almost died giving you tips, twice. I fixed gears for you. I thought we're past the doubts now..."
"And we're grateful for trusting us. If it wasn't for you, we couldn't have caught Annie and the colossal—"
" I guess ," You said aloud, effectively cutting him off. You didn't want to look at him; the floor was a better sight than his face at the moment, but you needed to look him in the eyes and make him realize that you knew exactly what he's so desperate about.
"I guess when you want your childhood dream so badly, it doesn't matter how many lives you ruin, huh?"
For once, Erwin was out of words.
"I bet you'd even sell your soul because you're so dying to find out."
You didn't back down. You straightened your stance and let your eyes show your anger. It's all about pride. If you're going to rot in a cell, a small win is better than nothing. A part of you relished this small victory. You didn't want to lose this conversation even if this is the last thing you'll win over. You swell with pride when Erwin expressed a mild surprise, his lips parted as if they were to say something.
How petty. You don't know what to think anymore. Should you give up? If they want to kill you at least they could make it quick. You guess dying would be a much better option than enduring days or weeks of pain because even when you tell them the truth, they will never believe it.
"I'm sure Pyxis and Zackley will let this slide."
Levi. You casted one look at the man who was wearing a hospital gown. It didn't suit him, not when he looked distraught and hope started to bubble inside you again.
And then killed it, the moment he looked away.
So this is where he draws the line.
You hated this, you hate that you expected more from him. You expected that even this time, just like every other time that you needed somebody, he'll be there. That he'll help you out of this because he used to always do. He'll patch your wounds the moment everything is over, that he'll be there to be your voice and reason when words seem difficult to find.
And you hate it— hate yourself that you're disappointed, when you shouldn't be. In the end, all you can depend on is yourself.
"I can watch her."
Oh how fast did your eyes flicker at the source of the voice, knowing Levi would be at the end of it.
"Put her in my squad." Levi said, licking his lips. Erwin had to turn to his friend in surprise. What is Levi doing? You have no idea, but that fixed, hard look that held your gaze said you could trust him.
"I'll keep an eye on her even when it's the last thing I'll do."
Erwin's response to that was silence. Levi kept talking, gaining more resolve in every word.
"If she says something useful, I'll tell you," His eyes peeled off of you and directed them to Erwin. Pausing for effect or for courage, you have no idea, until he dropped the last line that stole the hope and your lingering, subtle smile.
"And if she acts suspiciously, I'll kill her."
***
"And if she acts suspiciously, I'll kill her."
Your sheepish smile faded when he concluded the list of his promises.
"Levi, you don't need to go that far," Miche intervened, "Erwin, I don't think she means harm. There must be a reason she's not saying anything—"
The door opened, revealing some soldiers who wanted to use the comfort room. Though they exited as fast as they came in, stringing needless apologies on their way out, they were effective in dissipating the tension in the room. Even your shoulder relaxed a bit. You glanced at Erwin who seemed to be suppressing a smile. His jaw appeared tense, the ticking muscle at the lower cheek said it all. The fiddling of his thumb and index fingertips gave an impression that his soldiers' pleas were heard and he's playing with the idea.
"She'll be on my watch. I'll let Hange have Gunther or Eld."
"Very well," Erwin said, that triumphant look didn't leave his eyes. "I'll leave you to your new Captain, Johnson. He'll fill you in with the details." Erwin said in a dismissive tone before he looked at Miche with a gesture of reaching for him.
"Miche and I will leave you to it."
The door creaked after the figures of the tall, blonde men leaving you alone with your new captain, who equally didn't look pleased being left with you at all.
***
Levi's office receives plenty of sunlight.
You thought that that may be a choice for him, considering that he used to live most of his early life in a place that received little to none. Maybe he's basking on what he used to not have when he was younger, now that the chance presented itself.
It looked the same, days since you've been here, yet it felt like months since. Bare, not much, just a chair, a couch and a table with stacks of papers. The room could use anything from decorations to silence right now.
You sat him on the couch, the one you fell asleep at, when he tended to your wounds. You briefly glazed your eyes on his injured knee, temporarily thick and stiff with cast.
"Do you want me to get you a crutch? It's easier to move that way, sir." You said, your eyes stayed downcast. He remained silent, though you could feel his eyes piercing the top of your head. You knelt in front of him, meeting those bored, grey eyes.
You've always liked how they turn greenish when hit by the sunlight.
"Thank you for coming to Ragako and um..." Your mind crossed at the things you mumbled about him in front of Miche, wondering if he heard it.
"T-That one in the comfort room too." You pressed your lips to a sheepish smile, hoping he'd stray his eyes that bore a habit being intense. In the end, you were the one who looked away, fiddling with your fingers, totally regretting that you've sat below and in front of him.
"At least I won't be in the torture chamber. It's the best I could have."
"No big deal." He unceremoniously leaned on the couch, eyes closed. His hands tended to the bridge of his nose while his legs spread open, accommodating plenty of space for you in between his thighs.
"Although I need to ask," He suddenly sat up, resting his forearms on his thighs, his fingers limp and untouching between his knees.
"How did you know that that monkey's gonna show up?"
"Levi, I don't want to tell anyone—"
"I can't help you unless I know who I'm helping."
"Why would I need you— what?" Are you hearing his right? He wants to help? For what? You stared at him for a moment, letting it sink in.
"Can't you see it?"
"See what?"
" Fuck me — are you dense?" Levi looked angry yet he sounded in disbelief. You scoffed, nearly slapping his thigh.
"Of course I know! Everyone will think I'm an enemy because I'm holding off crucial information."
"And...?"
"A-And..." You clicked your tongue; it's just unfathomable. Why would a loyal soldier such as him want to help you?
Rational Phoebe: Remember what happened in old Luce's place?
"What I'm confused about is why you're trying to help me." You argued, yet he retracted, leaning back on the couch with his head resigning on the backrest's edge.
"I-I get that you lo..." Oof, this is harder than it looks. "I get that you said you bear feelings of simulated affection or at least sexual attraction—"
"Stop talking."
"Consider it zipped."
He groaned when sat back up again, this time, leaning on the chunky arm rest, the back of his hand supported his head by the cheek.
"Erwin knows you were hiding behind Hange's door. He knows I know and I let you slip."
"So...?" You kept a squinted eye if he'd continue or not.
"Come on, keep up. I can't be the only person capable of thinking here."
"So...?" You muttered, the silence only pressured you in finding the right assumption right there and then.
"Damn it Johnson— he's making us choose, it's obvious." He looked at you as if you were dirt. You pursed your lips, contemplating what dish he's serving you right now. You don't get it. Why would he need to choose...?
Oh .
"He thinks you're helping me and he's questioning your loyalty." You said flatly before flickering your eyes on his.
"You're stuck between us— Erwin and me, aren't you?"
"Thank you." Levi spoke in a feigned relieved tone while nodding slightly.
"Which brings us here."
Then he slowly rearranged the way he sat; coming for you, leaning towards you, hovering a few inches above the angle you were seated.
And you sat below him, hostaged under his scrutiny, and imprisoned between his thighs.
"You better tell me what's going on because what I said wasn't for a show."
His words were threatened, but his tone begged for honesty. You searched his eyes that got darker against the light. His meek, yet expectant tightness of his mouth... you were slow taking it all in.
Slow as it was, you arrived at a sound conclusion that explains all of Levi's actions up until now.
You let your lungs fill his air, the faint scent of hospital freshness and his signature Iris scent lingered in your nostrils.
Uncountable are the lies you've sold to people, whenever their suspicions arose. You did it to survive, you did it to silently and safely occupy a space in their world and leave without it hurting as much.
"I know how this all ends, Levi."
Maybe it's the subconscious acting out for you; a message from the universe urging you to trust this man, because in all honesty, your initial response is to lie.
"And all this time, I'm trying my best to prevent it."
Or maybe because he loves you enough to put his life and reputation on the line; to question his principles and test them, this was your version of 'I love you too.'
Levi's eyes got wide with surprise; protests of rage and doubts eventually contoured his face yet even that didn't deter or make you flinch.
Depending only on yourself didn't work as much as you hoped it should, so maybe it's time to trust someone else.
"Are you going to tell everybody?"
Maybe it can't be just someone else. Maybe it has to be him.
***