Lisa's attempt to change her flight had been fruitless, so she'd spent the rest of her day in Salt Lake City checking into her hotel, emptying her bag of everything except her sketchbook and art pencils, and wandering around the various parks that the city had to offer. It might have been a very nice city, but Lisa's mind was not on what she was looking at, and after several hours, she didn't think she'd ever wanted to be anywhere less than where she was. She ate a lonely lunch in a sushi restaurant before buying some snacks and a drink from a convenience store, found a bench in Sugar House Park, and parked herself on it for the rest of the afternoon.
Jennie was just a few miles away, and soon would be back in the studio. She was so close, but Jennie was out of reach. There had to be a metaphor in there somewhere, Lisa thought, as she moodily chewed on her potato chips.
The hours passed as she sketched; dogs chasing balls, couples walking hand in hand, the leaves on the trees. She sketched until the air turned cool, and she headed back to the hotel with a sheaf of paper and one of her favorite pencils worn down to almost a nub. She huffed as she walked through the hotel lobby and into the restaurant, feeling like she hadn't done nearly enough thinking.
The food wasn't very appetizing, but she ate it anyway, and once she arrived back in the hotel room, she showered and changed into her pajamas before settling into bed. It was still early, even in New York, so she wasn't tired at all. Lisa flicked the TV on, and nearly choked on a sip of water as Jennie's face appeared on the screen.
What was the world trying to tell her? It was one of her earlier films, a cheesy, low-budget horror movie. Even though Jennie wasn't old at 26, she looked very young in this film. Lisa watched as Jennie's character ran around an abandoned warehouse, searching for an alien artifact and being chased by some kind of giant ant creature, which she was pretty sure was just a man in a very bad costume. There wasn't very much to recommend the film, Lisa thought, but Jennie was very pretty, and that was all that the director of the film had seemed to care about in the end. There were so many close-ups of her face that Lisa spent the majority of the movie recalling just how soft Jennie's face was to touch, despite her sharp jaw.
When the movie was over, Lisa rolled over in bed, the sheets a little scratchy and uncomfortable. The conversation between she and Jennie earlier had left her with a lot to think about. Jennie had asked for more time, and she would try her best. That's all she could do. But the concept of someone asking for time, an indeterminate amount of time (a month, a year, more?), was difficult. Her heart was already breaking.
Because she could admit it to herself, here in the dark with nobody to hear her thoughts. Darkness swallowed truth like nothing else. She knew in her heart that she loved Jennie. She knew it. It was like an ever-present thought in her head. It had come on quickly but quietly, during the time Jennie spent at her house. It was in the care that Jennie took of her, in the way that Lisa's breath always caught around her, the way Lisa's eyes were always drawn to Jennie whenever she was near. She longed for her with every part of her. Lisa's arms sought to cradle Jennie close to her, her hands to touch her, to make her laugh and smile, and to keep her happy, safe. She wanted Jennie to know that she was loved, every day, just for herself.
Her heart longed to welcome Jennie's home.
But Lisa was just a friend. Objectively, she knew of course why Jennie had said that. She knew the reasons behind why Jennie had denied who she was to her. But that didn't mean that it didn't hurt like a punch to the gut, more than she wanted it to and more than she thought the words deserved. Lisa groaned. They were just words that had a false meaning behind them, but for now... they weren't seeing each other. They weren't together, while Jennie needed her time to sort things out. So, at this present moment, the words were true.
Lisa buried her face in the pillow, wishing that someone or something could give her some kind of answer. How long could she hold out? How long could her already bruised heart cope?
-----
The early morning flight that Lisa dragged herself to after very little sleep was, thankfully, uneventful. No delays, no tinny music, nobody kicking the back of her seat, and no turbulence. She got back home exhausted, clambering out of the cab and stumbling up the steps. It was 10am and she was tired. Lisa didn't even bother to do herself the courtesy of brushing her teeth; she stripped off her clothes, pulled on some pajamas, and fell into bed.
The next few days passed slowly. Work was busy, but the days crawled by nonetheless, and Lisa felt like she was moving through molasses. She hadn't yet had a chance to see or talk to Rosé, who she had been passing like ships in the night thanks to Rosé's working pattern that week. She hadn't replied to Jisoo's texts asking how the trip across to Salt Lake City had gone, but she had a sneaking suspicion that Jisoo had realized what a silly idea it had been judging from the "we should never make decisions after drinking cider" text she'd received while she was sitting in the park the day before.
Hanbin though, she had been able to talk to Hanbin at least. Whenever a customer wasn't close enough to overhear their conversation, she bombarded poor Hanbin with her thoughts about Jennie, how she felt about having an indefinite amount of time to wait, what he thought about what she should do. She told him that she loved Jennie, that she was very definitely in love with Jennie Kim, and berated herself for falling in love so quickly.
For his part, Hanbin was very sympathetic. He was perhaps the most romantic of her friends, and so told her off immediately when she chastised herself for loving Jennie already. "You can't help how, who, and when you love someone, Lisa," he said gently. "If you could, nobody would ever have a broken heart. But it would take all the magic out of what love is; a terrifying and thrilling freefall."
It really didn't help that wherever Lisa went, there Jennie was. On the fronts of magazines, on billboards, on adverts on the sides of buses, especially since it was only very recently that the Vehemence had been released. She found that she was constantly reminded of Jennie, and every time she saw her face, she heard the words just a friend repeat through her mind like a drumbeat.
Jennie didn't call, and Lisa didn't call her. For the first time since they'd met, her phone was silent. There were no texts, no photos, no funny stories from the set. She avoided Instagram. For all intents and purposes, this felt to Lisa like some kind of breakup. But how could they break up, if they'd never specifically been together? And yet... and yet.
These days, Rosé often came home from her night shifts to find Lisa running out her thoughts on the treadmill, the sweat pouring down her body and her hair a mess. When Jisoo came over to hang out, she always brought whisky, never cider.
Lisa just had too much on her mind. She missed Jennie. Missed the way she brushed her silky hair out of her face while she was reading if had fallen into her eyes. Missed the way she murmured to the exploding tap while she was using it as if it was a sentient being with feelings. Missed the way her cat eyes lit up when they browsed the TV channels and found Star Wars or some other sci-fi or fantasy film or show. She missed the way that Jennie's fingers trailed delicately over the spines of books on a shelf, as if each one was deserving of her attention even if she wasn't choosing to read it this time.
But most of all she missed the way that Jennie's hands traced patterns in her skin, the way her fingers always made their way so gently through Lisa's hair while the watched something on TV, sifting through it, braiding it, occasionally scratching her scalp. Lisa's heart thudded painfully in her chest when she thought about how Jennie always kissed her as if she was something to be treasured, to be appreciated, to be cherished. She thought about the way that Jennie trusted her, at first cautiously and then with her whole self, body, and heart. Jennie had been so open, so vulnerable, and Lisa loved her for it.
And yet.
Just a friend. She couldn't shake the words out of her head no matter how many times she pounded the words out repeatedly on the treadmill. The indistinctness of time weighed heavily on her shoulders and on her heart.
-----
It was a dreary Monday morning. The weather was ominous, but it wasn't raining at the moment; there was a brief respite, and people took the opportunity the break afforded them and hurried past the doors of the bookstore wearing raincoats and clutching umbrellas, mindful that they could be needed at any moment. They held hats to their heads as the wind threatened to blow them away. The streets were slick and grey with past downfalls, the dirt of the street still running in rivulets down the walls and across the sidewalks. The storm had seemingly blown in from nowhere, catching everyone by surprise.
The lack of sun had made the bookstore chilly, and every time someone came into the bookstore, they seemed to bring with them the dampness of the outside. Lisa was very thankful that Rosé had left her a note on the worktop this morning, urging her to take a spare hoody with her to work lest she get caught in the rain. Lisa had complied, and the blue cardigan she had worn to work was gently steaming on the radiator in the storeroom.
Lisa moodily poked at the keyboard as the morning wore on, sorting through the spreadsheets of books that they'd sold in the past week and doing google searches on LGBT films and documentaries that she would be able to stock in a new section she had decided to add. Why was there such a lack of lesbian films, especially, that had happy endings, she wondered to herself as she browsed lists and recommendations; it's as if they want the community to be depressed. She frowned to herself. There needed to be more rainbows and happiness in LGBT films. She was fed up of shipping characters that weren't canonically together, and she was pretty sure that she wasn't the only one.
And that was how she was when the doorbell chimed, signaling the entrance of a customer; slumped in a melancholy way over the desk, chin resting in her hands, and frowning. What a wonderful first impression she was going to give to the customer, she thought, as she plastered a bright smile to her face and looked up. The smile faltered as she saw who it was.
Jennie.
Jennie was in the bookstore. She was wearing a dark green raincoat and black trousers, her long, dark hair loose. As Lisa watched her, she brushed it impatiently out of her face and secured it in a loose bun at the back of her head, shorter wisps curling around her face from the moisture. She had at her feet a package wrapped in brown paper, spotted with rain, resting against her legs.
She didn't take off her coat, nor did she move from the spot she stood in near the entrance. Jennie tugged at her fingers, and after a moment, she shoved both hands in her coat pockets and then back out again, clasping them in front of her, as if she didn't know what to do with herself. She looked visibly nervous, and Lisa had no idea why.
Lisa waited her out in silence, glad that there were no other customers in the shop, and glad that Hanbin wasn't due in to work for another hour yet.
"Hi," Jennie eventually breathed out, as if it was the hardest word she'd ever had to say. Her cat eyes looked imploringly at Lisa, who stepped around the desk towards her, passed her, and changed the sign on the door to closed.
"Hi, Jennie," she replied as she came back around to lean against the desk, crossing her shaking hands across her chest and folding them into her arms.
"I- um... you disappeared, from the set, I mean," Jennie started in a quiet voice.
"Yes, I... I had to leave. I didn't want to disturb you or get in the way or anything," Lisa said, wishing that had really been the reason. "You looked busy and I didn't want to take up your time."
Jennie nodded, and looked down at the floor before looking back up. "How've you been?"
"How've I- Jennie," Lisa scoffed loudly, and then caught herself as a hurt look flashed over Jennie's face. "I've been... okay. You know? I came home after seeing you in Salt Lake City and I've been working. I haven't done much of anything. Just thinking. And doing a lot of running on the treadmill. Everything is the same as always. I'm sure you've been busy, though."
Jennie smiled briefly before her face went back to the nervous look she'd had before. "I've been busy, yes," she confirmed. "We finished the shoot a few days ago and, well, I'm- well, I got back here last night. I brought this for you," she said softly, indicating the package she'd brought with her. She moved it to lean against one of the bookcases.
"Oh," Lisa exclaimed, looking at it once more. "I'm not sure what it's for, but, thank you. Do you want me to...?"
"No, please, I'd be embarrassed. And it would be easier to transport like this," she said, making Lisa wonder just exactly what it was. "I had it in my apartment in L.A., and I... after seeing you, in Salt Lake City, I had it shipped to New York. And I thought you would... it's... you'll see, when you open it."
Lisa looked at it again, watched as a raindrop slid down the paper. "Okay," she said. "Okay. Thank you, Jennie."
"I didn't know how to call, I'm sorry," Jennie blurted out. In a quieter voice that was studded with pauses, she continued, "it's been a lot since, you know, since the press came. And since the photos... it's been a lot. It's been so much to think about and Lisa, you- you've been so good to me. I've been offered this role in France that I... anyway. But I don't know how to... but if I didn't take it, I wondered whether you might let me... if you might let me see you, a little. Or, a lot," she smiled again, "maybe. Because I've learned that there's so much I don't know about you, Lisa, and I want to. I want to learn everything about you. And I want to be around you, all the time. When I was away from you, it was so difficult."
Lisa was silent. She didn't know how to answer that. Just a friend.
Jennie's fingers twisted around themselves as she looked over at Lisa, clearly wanting to say more, but her face looking as if words had failed her for the first time in a long time. Jennie always had words to say. It was unsettling now that she did not, and it spurred Lisa into voicing her own.
"And do you want to know me as just a friend, Jennie?" she asked, her voice tight.
Confusion crossed Jennie's face at the words, obviously not having anticipated that question. "What do you mean? Why would you think that?"
"I heard what you said to your actor friend, Matt was it? When he asked who I was. You said I was just a friend." Lisa held a hand up to stop Jennie from speaking when realized what she was saying and opened her mouth to protest. "I know why you said it. You don't need to explain. I know you were just covering yourself because you haven't told people about your sexuality, and my sudden presence was difficult to explain. I'm sorry that I caused that, it wasn't my intention. I shouldn't have put you in a position where you had to explain someone you'd never mentioned before."
Jennie's eyes. Her dark hair. Her pale skin. Her mere presence in the bookstore was doing crazy things to Lisa's mind and body, and she wanted so desperately to cross the space between them and gather Jennie up in her arms and kiss her, and yet...
"You haven't told them about yourself yet, have you?" she asked, not accusingly.
Jennie sighed, her eyes shining with a sheen that hadn't been there before. "No. I need... more time."
More time. There it was again, Lisa thought, tears springing to her eyes as she heard them once more.
"And I won't force you out of the closet. I could never and would never do that to anyone, least of all you. I can't. I won't. Coming out of the closet, declaring yourself like that, is a path that only you can take," Lisa said, gesturing at Jennie before shaking her hands out and folding her arms across her chest. "You were right. There are so many things that could change as a result of this when it comes to your career, your life. You have worked so hard to have something that was independent of your name. The Kim name doesn't deserve you, Jennie. You're far too good for it," and Lisa watched a lone tear make its way down Jennie's cheek before she dashed it away almost angrily with her fingertips. "Your fame is something you can do great things with, but everyone wants a piece of you..."
"Fame is... just a lot of nonsense, Lisa," Jennie replied shakily. "It comes and goes like the tide. I could be famous today and a has-been that nobody wants to hear about tomorrow..."
"But... your fame is part of you," Lisa said. She blew out a breath and cleared her throat. "I'm a pretty level-headed girl. I have my job, I have my friends, and maybe it's not life-changing in the ways that you're able to achieve, with your worldwide reach. But I am able to help people with my job and I love that. It makes me happy. And... you make me happy..." she said, her voice wavering.
Jennie sensed the word that Lisa didn't say. "...but?" she whispered.
Lisa cleared her throat again. "But I... you say that you want to know me. To spend time with me. But those are your wants. And although I want them too, Jennie... yours are... more selfish. I don't mean that in a bad way," she said, and then she started to speak quickly, all her words tumbling out while she still had the courage to say them. "You say you want me to wait for you and I understand it, I do. I couldn't work here if I didn't understand that need to have some control over a part of your life you can't ignore but can't be honest about. But every day that I have to wait for you breaks my heart. You may have been sheltered away from your feelings a bit more on set but Jennie, I wasn't. I can't go anywhere without being reminded of you. Your face is everywhere. Your film just came out, so your face is on billboards. It's on adverts on the sides of buses. Every magazine stand, there you are. Your smile follows me around the world no matter how I'm feeling. I turn on the TV and there's a trailer for the Vehemence. I can't even listen to the radio now because someone will start talking about you, or about the film."
Lisa's tears flowed freely now. She hadn't any idea that she was about to say any of this, and yet, every word that she uttered was the absolute truth about how she felt. She could see the distress that had lodged itself on Jennie's face, distraught at the thought of hurting Lisa without even having known it. Without being able to help it.
"The heart wants what it wants, and I can't help but want you, Jennie. I want you so badly. And it's breaking my heart every day that I can't have you. That I can't show the world that I'm proud of you. I can't hold your hand in public without you having to hide your face. We can't be together in a way that would be truly... honest. All the things we could... we can't. It's like being back in the closet and Jennie I- I... I just can't do that to myself. I can't. I don't want to hide us. I know you need time, but... this is crushing me. I don't know that I can give you what you want. I don't think that I can."
Jennie made a sudden movement as is if she wanted to jump forward towards Lisa, but stopped herself, and stayed rooted to her spot. Lisa wiped the tears away from her face and took a few deep breaths, trying to control her thundering heart.
"I'm just... I'm sorry," she said softly. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but with you I'm in... my heart is in real danger. Everyone in the world knows who you are and I'm just... nobody."
"The fame thing... isn't really real, you know, it's so temporary and fickle," Jennie interjected, as if desperate to say something against Lisa's words. Her voice was breaking as she spoke, the anguish clear. "And you're not nobody. You do so much good in this world, Lisa Manoban. You are extraordinary. Don't think I don't see that, that I don't feel that with every part of me. You're like... the sun, and all I have to do is be near you to be happy. You're the... you're the best person I've ever come across. You're good, and you're kind, and you've got such a beautiful heart, Lisa... I feel like I'm only me when I'm with you. I know it's not fair of me to ask what I have of you. And the fame thing is... I've said it before. I'm just a person. I'm just a person who needs... underneath everything, I'm just a girl. I'm just a girl, standing in front of you. And I'm... I'm asking you to love me," she said, her voice broken now, and she looked so very, very young. She looked every inch the vulnerable, brokenhearted, lonely woman that Lisa knew she was.
And... finally, Lisa had run out of words. She had nothing to say. She couldn't. She knew that Jennie could see the three words she couldn't say written all over her face. Jennie didn't say them either. As if voicing those words could bring the house of cards they'd carefully built crashing down, and their hearts right along with them.
The silence stretched out between them; a horrible silence laden with emotional despair. In the end, Lisa's decision was made without having to say a word.
Finally, Jennie stepped forward. With baby steps, she approached Lisa, and then raised her hands to her face and kissed her tenderly on the cheek. The brush of her lips was so gentle that Lisa almost didn't feel it, but she could feel the tremors in Jennie's hands as she cradled her face. She reached up and brushed some of the tears off Jennie's cheekbones with her thumbs before pressing a small kiss to her forehead.
Then, Jennie stepped back. Once. Twice. Until she was far enough away that Lisa could no longer reach her. As Lisa looked at her, she could have sworn that the look in Jennie's beautiful cat eyes was determination. She didn't know what for. It didn't matter now, anyway.
"Good decision," Jennie managed, her voice sounding scratchy and not at all like she believed what she was saying. Like she'd really hoped Lisa's answer would be different. But she accepted it. "I'll... I'll see you," Jennie said, her hand on the door handle.
"Bye, Jennie," Lisa whispered.
And just like that, Jennie was gone, leaving behind only the scent of her perfume, her tears on Lisa's cheek, and a brown paper parcel.
-----
It's two days later when Lisa is finally home at the same time as Rosé. It's Wednesday afternoon, and Lisa hasn't been to work since Monday evening, asking Hanbin to cover for her. He had agreed in an instant; Lisa hardly ever asked for her shifts to be covered, so whenever she did, there was a very good reason.
Rosé had been staying over at Jisoo's place, celebrating a slight promotion that Jisoo had recently been given. So when Rosé stomped up the stairs into the kitchen, calling Lisa's name, the sight of the painting leaning up against the wall by the stairs was a bit of a surprise.
Rosé was crouching down to examine it when Lisa came into the room from the lounge.
"Lisa, hey," Rosé said, doing a double-take and standing up immediately at the look on Lisa's face. "Are you alright? What happened? Is something wrong? Where did this painting come from?"
"Jennie brought it. It's... it's the original Dancer In Front of A Window. It's her favorite by Degas. She saw my print of it upstairs and... she said it reminds her of how l-love should be... free," Lisa trailed off.
"Okay... when did she bring this?" Rosé asked slowly.
In answer, Lisa didn't say anything. She threw herself at Rosé, who caught her around the waist, and started to sob into her shoulder. Rosé carried her weight, and moved them back to the sofa. Haltingly, and through her tears, Lisa told Rosé everything, leaving out no details. Rosé was horrified to discover that she had a part in almost outing Jennie to the press. She wasn't much interested in celebrities and had not had any idea that Jennie wasn't professionally out of the closet. She apologized, over and over, to Lisa, for her part in causing the current sadness in her sister's life.
Sometime after the hour or so it took Lisa to cry herself out, Rosé had sent Lisa to have a bath and then to bed to have a rest, and had organized an impromptu game night. Everyone had dropped everything in order to attend this one, despite both Mino and Hanbin having plans they had to reschedule. Everyone had been ordered to bring essentially double the usual amount of food, drinks, and desserts, and Hanbin had been ordered to avoid all the games that they'd played when Jennie had been with them. Rosé figured that you could never be too careful. During a breakup with Jisoo once, she hadn't been able to look at anything that reminded her of her then ex-girlfriend, so she thought she would extend the same courtesy to Lisa.
At 7:30pm, everyone had arrived, and Rosé had briefly explained what had happened, at Lisa's insistence, so that she wouldn't have to keep repeating the story. Lisa had had a nice, relaxing bath, interrupted only by one rather strange shriek from downstairs. She wasn't sure who it was, or why it had happened, but nobody came up to explain anything, so she'd shrugged it off. She'd put on some of her most comfortable underwear, oversized pajamas and a hoody, and meandered downstairs just before 8pm.
She wasn't sure what she was expecting when she went downstairs. Sad, kind smiles, maybe. A too-long hug from Hanbin, perhaps.
It certainly wasn't for the pandemonium that seemed to have swept through her kitchen. The board games she'd assumed they were going to be playing hadn't been set up, and horror of horrors, the pizzas hadn't even been opened. Mino and Hanbin were staring at her strangely, and Rosé was on the phone, sending glances over at Lisa every few seconds. As she was about to open the top-most pizza box, she heard Jisoo call her name.
"Lisa!! Thank fuck you're finally here. Come here, we have to watch TV," Jisoo exclaimed quickly, dragging her into the lounge and pushing her into the sofa and turning it on to a recorded show. "Give me your phone," she demanded, and entirely too surprised to protest, she dumped it into Jisoo's waiting hand. "You can't look at it."
"What?" Lisa said in a bemused voice. "Why not?"
"Guys guys guys!" Jisoo shouted into the kitchen, as if Lisa hadn't asked question. "We're going to start it!"
Lisa was completely confused. She couldn't recall any TV show she'd wanted to watch desperately enough for her friends to shove her into the seat to get her ready for it. But when Jisoo pressed play and it showed the start of the Ellen DeGeneres show, she looked quickly over at Jisoo to see whether this was a joke.
"I'm really not in the mood for TV Jisoo, even if it's Ellen," Lisa tried.
"Oh shush, you'll want to watch this one," Jisoo replied, handing Lisa a glass of whisky. Lisa sat back in her seat with a thump, resigned to whatever this was.
She watched for a few minutes while Ellen made a few jokes about the week's news on the screen, and someone won a car.
"And next we have an extra-special guest," Ellen announced to cheers in the studio. "Now, you may know her from such movies at the Historian and the Vehemence,-"
"Jisoo, I don't want to watch this!"
"But there's much more to this lady than meets the eye. Please put your hands together for today's guest, Jennie Kim!" and the audience in the studio burst into cheers. The wind seemed to leave Lisa's chest as Jennie walked onto the stage wearing none other than the dress that she had spilled coffee over the first time they'd met. Jennie was smiling widely, her hair was loose, hanging silkily over her shoulders, and she gave a big two-handed wave to the audience as she made her way over to Ellen. Her vivid cat eyes stood out beautifully against the darker eyeshadow she was wearing. Tears started up in Lisa's eyes. She didn't think she could sit through this. But when she tried to get up, Rosé sat down on the other side of her and planted her legs right over Lisa's waist, her feet in Jisoo's lap.
"Guys, please," Lisa tried, her voice as weak as her attempt to get off the sofa.
But neither Rosé nor Jisoo made any attempt to move. Why was everyone so set on making her watch this? Resigned, Lisa turned her attention back to the TV where Ellen was explaining Jennie's background in science, and Jennie sat up, all straight-backed grace and elegance, and brushed her hair away from the side of her face closest to the camera, and Lisa felt her heart tip over.
What was this?
-----
Two Chapters left