Hux's words had hit you like a ton of bricks.
"I need you to help me take down Kylo Ren."
This meant more than just betraying a man that had spent so much time inside your mind and body.
This meant also betraying Snoke and betraying the entire mob, which meant an entire tidal wave of repercussions.
Clearly, this had been something that Hux wanted to ask of you for a while now but didn't want to put that amount of pressure on you. After you pissed him off so badly, he decided that it was time. If you felt comfortable cheating on him then he felt comfortable asking for something dangerous from you.
You hesitated when he first asked but knowing you didn't exactly have a choice, you agreed.
You had asked Hux what he exactly meant by helping him. He informed you that he'd let you know when he needed you to do something specific but for now, he just needed you to agree to watch Kylo's apartment and let him know if you ever saw anything suspicious coming or going. He told you that he had plans coming up that you'd be an important part of but left it at that.
Hux said if everything went according to plan, that by the new year, Kylo Ren would be gone.
Christmas wasn't too far away, New Years would be coming up before you knew it.
You weren't sure if Hux was going to be able to pull off whatever plan that he had but if he did, you were never going to see Kylo again once this year was over. And you'd have to live with yourself knowing that you had helped bring him to his demise.
In the back of your mind, you knew that if this plan didn't work out that the opposite would take place... By the new year, Hux would be gone. If Kylo were to survive whatever was planned for him, no doubt, he would kill everyone who betrayed him. You realized you'd be included in that group.
As this information processed in your mind, you realized, no matter what happened...You were going to lose either Kylo or Hux. And maybe even your own life.
The next morning, you were staring at yourself in the mirror. You had spent the night alone with your thoughts.
You were lying to everyone, you realized. You weren't sure how you would be able to keep it all straight.
You were lying to Hux, to Kylo, to your friends, to Snoke, to the police...
Your eyes narrowed at your reflection, growing suspicious. Were you even lying to yourself?
When you got back from class, you smirked when you saw what looked like a card taped to your front door. Hux must've bought you a gift. Even though you were the one to fuck up by cheating on him, it didn't surprise you that his first thought to end this argument would be to buy you something.
But as you opened the envelope, your hand went over your mouth in surprise.
Inside were pictures. Of you.
They had been taken over the last several days that you'd been back from saying goodbye to your mom. It seemed like someone had been following you every single place you went outside of your apartment. There were photos of you walking to class, in the art studio painting, at the party...
There was a note too. 'Call Me- Officer Dameron' was sprawled on it along with a phone number.
The cops were following you. And they wanted to talk to you. The photos were a threat. If you didn't call them, they'd find you.
Fuck.
You kept looking at the photos as if you would be able to remember exactly when they were taken, if there was anyone suspicious around when it happened. But it was impossible, there was always so many people around in the city.
You stared at the number. You were going to have to call them, but you had no idea what to say to them. Kylo was supposed to be helping you with this before everything happened between the two of you...
Groaning under your breath, you knocked on the door down the hall from you. You really didn't want to do this but you had no other choice. You were terrified to say the wrong thing to the police and Kylo was the only one who knew the entire situation. This wasn't the first time you'd been to his apartment because you needed his help but this time you did feel the most out of place.
It was like Kylo had been waiting at the door, opening it instantly.
You two locked eyes for a moment, taking in how it felt to be in a familiar setting with very unfamiliar feelings.
"Can I come in?" You asked. You felt awkward.
Kylo realized this was the first time you'd ever asked to come inside. Every other time you just pushed him out of the way and walked in yourself. The idea that you didn't feel comfortable doing that now made him frown.
"Sure." He told you with a sigh, moving out of the way so that you could walk inside. He shut the door behind you. He watched you, wondering if his plan had worked the night before. Did Hux find out about the bruises on your thighs?
You handed him the envelope full of the pictures and the note. It would make more sense for him to look through it himself instead of you explaining.
As Kylo opened the envelope and flipped through the photos, you took in the way that his apartment looked. When you'd been there before, everything had been so neat, it almost had looked like no one was even living in it. But right now, it was messy. Clearly, it looked like someone was living there and it also looked like that person hadn't left the apartment in days.
Your eyes went back to Kylo, noting the way that he had some stubble on his face that you hadn't noticed the night before. He had on pajamas and his hair was a mess, reflecting the state of his apartment.
You couldn't help but wonder if you had anything to do with that as well. Vicrul did mention that Kylo had been in a bad mood ever since you had all gotten back. It couldn't have been a coincidence that it took place after he said those hurtful things to you. That should've satisfied you, it should make you happy that he was having such a tough time coming to terms with what he did. But really, it just gave you the urge to help him. You had to hold yourself back from gathering together and throwing away the empty beer bottles on the table next to you, to clean up a little.
"Shit." Kylo muttered to himself as he finished looking through everything.
"Yeah, shit." You agreed with him, biting your thumb nail.
"Sit down." Kylo told you, not taking his eyes off of the pages in his hand. "I'm gonna think this through and then you'll call him while you're still here."
He wasn't even going to let you talk to him on your own. "I thought you trusted me." You told him, calling his bluff. It was true, he had said he did before he had pretended you meant nothing to him.
Kylo locked eyes with you for a moment, realizing what you were doing. "Sit." He repeated in return, pointing to his couch. He didn't have the energy to get into it with you.
You were exhausted too so you didn't argue. You took a seat on his couch. You were nervous. Kylo was going to tell you what to say but what if you messed it up somehow? After what you had agreed to do for Hux, you weren't sure where exactly your loyalty lied. You were betraying everyone.
After a few minutes, Kylo joined you on the couch. You noticed that he had a glass of something in his hand. Whiskey.
You checked the time on your phone, "It's not even noon." You frowned. Honestly, you wanted to make a joke about how he was drinking in the morning but it was more concerning then humorous.
Kylo ignored you. He knew what time it was. It had sort of been routine for the last couple of days now to drink throughout the day.
"Okay, I'm going to tell you everything you need to say and how you need to respond to him. Do you need me to write it down?" He got right into business.
"No." You told him, hoping you sounded confident.
For a little over a half an hour, Kylo informed you of what information you'd be telling him and what to say if he asked certain things. You had made him run it through a few times, getting nervous that you'd forget something or panic when you actually started making the phone call.
"Do you think you're ready?" Kylo asked you. He could see how anxious you were and he wanted to do more to comfort you. He knew that if you had been in this situation before, he would be holding you close to him, playing with your hair and whispering to you that you were going to do such a good job.
But things were different now. He couldn't do that. He was talking to you as if you were one of his men, straight to the point and just enough so that you knew what he wanted from you.
"Um..." You held your phone in your hands, "I guess? I mean, I don't think I'll ever feel ready so I think I should just do it."
You dialed the number and hovered your thumb over the 'send' button. You took in a shaky breath, trying to hype yourself up in your head.
Kylo saw this and couldn't help himself. He put a gentle hand on your knee, causing you to look over at him. "You can handle this. Think of all the shit you've been able to do on your own, this is no different. It's just a phone call." He said to you. It took you back to how he had reassured you before you walked into your mom's hospital room. Just like they had at the time, Kylo's words helped you now.
You pressed send and held the phone up to your ear with a trembling hand.
Kylo moved in closer to you as you talked on the phone so he was able to hear the officer on the other end of it more clearly. You let him keep his hand on your knee, it was reassuring.
His focus on you never left, taking in the way you were speaking, performing the script that he had given you. You were doing such a good job, he thought to himself. Even some of his men who had been in the mob for years would crack at some of the officer's statements and questions. But you kept your cool, at least on the outside.
There had only been one point that had thrown you off guard. When Office Dameron asked you something that you hadn't prepared for, you looked to Kylo with wide eyes and he gave you a calm nod in response, his way of telling you to say yes. You put your hand on his and squeezed, wordlessly saying 'thank you' before saying "yes" out loud to the unplanned question.
Kylo felt his stomach drop as he realized how much this was effecting him. He always loved how strong you were and how you handled yourself, even in times when it was difficult. Watching you be able to take control of yourself in a risky situation, especially when you were so nervous about it, was reminding him why he was so infatuated with you in the first place. It was causing all of those feelings of affection to bubble back up at the surface even though he had been trying so hard to push them away these last couple of days.
He wondered what it would be like, if he could love you the way a normal person would. Before meeting you, the thought of having anything close to a girlfriend seemed like such a burden but after being around you, he couldn't help but think you would even be useful to him. You'd help him do things like this and be there to make sure he didn't lose his head. A partner in crime. He moved his hand away from your knee at the thought, it was childish and stupid. Besides, he had his chance and he had intentionally ruined it.
Coincidentally, right when Kylo had moved away, you had said your goodbyes and hung up the phone.
You took a big deep breath and let it out, calming yourself. You did it.
You grabbed for Kylo's drink, finishing the whiskey in a single gulp. "Gross." You shivered, putting the empty glass back on the table. It was way too early for that, even after the stress you'd been under.
He couldn't help but chuckle at that, affectionately, his eyes still trained on you like they had been that entire time.
You looked over at him and were surprised with how intensely he'd been staring at you. You shifted slightly, feeling uncomfortable. "Did I do alright?" You tried to break the tension.
Kylo nodded, "You did perfectly, I'm impressed." He was staring at you like he was going to kiss you. He really wanted to.
You almost even let yourself close the gap and press your lips against his. You tried to remember how you had felt in the shower with him, when he had looked you in the eyes and said, 'I don't care about you', and the reminder of how much that had hurt you was enough to make you not give in and kiss him.
The tension between the two of you was thick in the air. It was the first time in a while that the two of you were alone but not having sex with each other.
"I want to fuck you so bad." Kylo said in low voice, locking his eyes with yours. "Seeing you lie to the cops for me was really fucking hot."
You sighed and turned your head away so you didn't have to look at him. You couldn't give in after what he'd done to you. How could he act like nothing had changed between the two of you...everything had.
He moved in closer so that he could practically whisper and you'd still be able to hear him clearly. "I want to tell you that you've been such a good girl for me but good girls don't lie, do they? I think that means you've been a bad girl for me. I almost like that better..." He purred in your ear, his hand that had been resting on your knee before was now on your thigh, squeezing you. He was doing everything he could to make you hate him less, he was clueless when it came to any expression than wasn't sex.
"Kylo, fuck off." You stood up from the couch at that, knowing that if you didn't distance yourself, you were going to give in. You started gathering up the photos that the cops left you, to put back in the envelope so that you could leave but Kylo's hand wrapped around your wrist, stopping you.
You tried moving out of his grip but he didn't let you.
"Please." He said to you. His voice was tempting, dark but it was also weak. He wasn't even saying 'please' for you to fuck him, he knew you wouldn't do that. He was just begging, saying nonsense because he didn't want to see you walk out of the door.
You yanked your hand out from his grip. "You're so full of shit." You told him, looking down at him. "You might think that you're a master manipulator because you can control all of your men who share a single brain cell but I see right through you." You started gathering up the photos again. He let you this time.
"You care about me, Kylo. And it sucks, believe me, I know how badly it fucking sucks to have feelings for someone that you don't want to have them for. But it's where you are right now and no amount of lying to me to hurt me, is going to take those feelings away." You clutched the envelope to your chest.
He looked shocked that you were saying these things to him, mainly he was shocked at how correct you were.
"If you want to stay away from me, then be my guest. It's probably for the best. But don't try to make it seem like I'm crazy for thinking that we might be forming a connection because we did. I know you felt it but you're pretending not to." You leaned in so that you were closer to him, "You look weak." You hissed.
And with that, you walked out of his door, chest rising and falling in shock of how much you had let yourself say to him. You had wanted to act like you didn't care, you didn't want him to know that he had effected you so much. But you couldn't help yourself, you had so much to say.
Kylo stared at the door for several moments, where you had just left. He did feel weak. He was weak. He picked up his empty whiskey glass and hurled it across the room where it hit the wall opposite from him, smashing into a bunch of pieces.
As you walked into your own apartment, you sighed when you heard your phone ring. 'What now?' you thought to yourself.
When you pulled your phone out, your stomach dropped to see that Officer Dameron was calling you back, you recognized it from the the number you had previously dialed.
You froze. You couldn't ignore it. And after your outburst on Kylo you didn't view it as an option to walk back in there to get his help. You would have to handle this on your own.
"Hello?" You answered, hoping you didn't sound as scared as you felt.
"Hi, it's Officer Dameron again." The voice on the other line told you, as if you didn't already know, "I forgot to mention something to you."
"Oh. Okay." You said lamely, unsure of how to respond to that.
"It doesn't have to do with our deal but I couldn't ignore the coincidence. There was a body found in an alley on fifth street. It belonged to one of your class mates...Connor Reid." As he told you this, you had to grab onto the kitchen counter in front of you to steady yourself.
Connor...that was who you told Hux you had cheated on him with.
You really didn't know the guy that well. He seemed alright but you had only ever had a few conversations with him. It was just the first male name that popped into your head when Hux had been questioning you about who you had sex with. You didn't think it would matter, you were just trying to cover your ass when it came to Kylo.
You had no doubt in your mind that Connor's dead body being found had some sort of correlation to Hux.
"Are you still there?" Officer Dameron asked you with a concerned voice.
"Y-yeah...I'm here, sorry. I just...I am just shocked, that's all." You said, trying to make your voice even. You wanted to make sure your reaction seemed appropriate. You weren't sure how you would react to this news if you had nothing to do with it.
"I know, I'm sorry that you had to find out this way. Like I said, this has nothing to do with our deal, so don't feel like you need to give me any information. I was just wondering if you knew him well."
You weren't sure if you should lie or not. You decided not to, there was no reason to dig yourself into a hole. "Not really. I mean we have a few classes together but we didn't talk much."
Officer Dameron sighed, "Okay, no problem. I just thought I would ask since we are going to have to start talking to his friends and family for possible leads soon. Thanks for cooperating through all of this today."
"S-sure." You stumbled on your words, hanging up the phone.
Immediately, you started dialing Hux's number, accidentally pressing a few wrong buttons out of being disoriented from this information, before placing the call.
When he answered, you told him to call you back on a different phone. He knew what you meant. You needed him to use a temporary, burner phone in case this was being tracked somehow.
"What is it?" He asked you when you had answered the call from his unknown number.
"Connor." You said quickly, not sure how to even start the conversation. "I heard about Connor."
Hux was confused, "Honey, what are you talking about?" He asked. He was at lunch with Snoke and a few other men, he had walked out to the bathroom to make this call to you.
"You killed him, didn't you? Or you had someone else do it." You said to him in a hushed voice. You were alone in your apartment but still felt the need to be secretive about it.
It dawned on Hux then, what you were talking about. He had almost forgotten. "Oh. Well, of course I did. What did you expect?"
Your jaw dropped at the casualness in his voice.
"I have a reputation to uphold. Not just for myself but for the mob as a whole. In the off chance that word got about you two, I needed to send a message. This kid chose to not only question me but he questioned the mafia when he fucked you. It was necessary for me to give an answer to it."
You were silent.
"What's wrong, honey? I thought you didn't have any feelings for him." Hux said in an almost mocking tone. You could hear the smirk on his face.
You had done such a good job staying out of all mob related business during your relationship with Hux, that you had never really heard him speak this way. You knew he had to have this mindset, there was a reason why he was Snoke's right hand man. But hearing it sent a chill down your spine. It didn't even sound like him.
"I have to go." You said and then hung up quickly. You let it sink in. You were responsible for an innocent bystander's death.
You spent the rest of your day watching trashy reality TV on your couch, wishing that you could escape into that universe and away from yours. You weren't really watching it. Your brain was a mess. You had drawn so many lines of betrayal and you were starting to get them crossed with each other.
You were also starting to see everyone's true colors. Even your own. You realized you had a much looser grip on your morals than you originally thought. It was strange, learning you had caused Connor's death even a month ago would've absolutely wrecked you. But now, if you weren't actively thinking about how guilty you felt, you were able to disassociate from it. It was scary. You didn't want to turn into the type of person you hated. A person like Kylo.
It was late in the evening when you heard a knock at your door. You jumped slightly, on edge after the phone calls you've made today. You got up from your couch and looked through the peep hole to make sure you knew who it was before you opened the door.
Kylo.
You should've known.
You opened the door, "Kylo, I'm really not in the mood." You told him instantly. If he was coming here to try and fuck you or continue to lie to you, you didn't want to hear it.
He stared at you, leaning a hand against the frame of your door. He was towering over you, as if he were stopping you from leaving when it reality, you were the one trying to stop him from coming inside.
"I want to apologize." He said. It sounded like he a gun against his head as he said this, like he really didn't want to do this but he was being forced to.
You couldn't help but let out a little chuckle. It died out when you saw his expression. "Oh, you're serious?" You asked. At his stern look, you sighed and moved so that he could come in.
You walked with him to your couch, taking a seat on it while he joined you, setting his jacket onto the chair next to the couch.
The two of you sat in silence for what seemed like at least five minutes. You stared at the tv in front of you, trying not to notice how intently he had been looking at you.
Finally, you couldn't take it. You looked over at him. "I think you said something about apologizing." You turned off the tv then, not giving him an excuse to continue to sit there and just stare at you.
"I don't really know how to do it." Kylo admitted. He seemed so frustrated, like this was taking so much energy just to attempt to say sorry. It was. He didn't know how to start. He wondered if he really had to say 'I'm sorry' out loud or if it was just implied...did he explain to you how much he had been beating himself up about hurting you?
You sighed, bringing your legs up onto the cushion so that you could turn and face him. "Then, don't." You said, shrugging. "If you are having such a hard time with it, I don't want to hear it. It won't be sincere."
Kylo tilted his head back onto the back of the couch, staring up at the ceiling. He was silent again, clamming up at the idea of doing this.
"Kylo, why are you here?" You felt like you were coaching a little kid through saying sorry for breaking a lamp, not a grown man for breaking your heart.
He looked over at you, thinking about your question. This was the hard part, he knew what felt but he didn't want to say it out loud to you. He didn't even want to say it to himself.
"I've told you before that you terrify me." Kylo said, locking eyes with you.
You nodded, thinking back to it. The night that he told you that was the first time you two kissed. The first time you two had sex. It had meant so much to you and it made you long for that dynamic between the two of you again.
"Well, it's not you. It's..." He trailed off, piecing it together. "It's what you represent to me."
You were intrigued now. This was much more talking than you assumed he would do.
"You remind me so much of who I used to be." Kylo told you.
"Ben." You said to indicate that you understood.
He winced slightly hearing the name out loud, especially from you. But he nodded in response, letting you know that you were thinking correctly.
"I had to sacrifice a lot to get rid of that person to become who I am today. Snoke would always tell me that Ben was my biggest enemy, the only thing holding me back, that's why I needed to get rid of him." He moved his gaze down to his hands now. "When I see you...I see that same enemy. Then I have all these conflicting feelings because on one hand I want to destroy you and on the other hand..." He looked back over to you now, not being able to say the rest of it out loud.
He didn't need to, you understood what he meant. You felt the same way. You wanted him out of your life but at the same time, you felt strange without him.
"Then I wonder... maybe you're here to test me." Kylo said with a frown. "I got rid of Ben but what if I'm supposed to get rid of you too? What if you're supposed to be in my life to remind me not to go down that path again?" It was like he was talking to himself, saying these thoughts out loud for the first time. "If that's true, I should've felt stronger after I hurt you. But I didn't, I don't. I feel weak."
"You should." You interjected, somewhat satisfied that he had been feeling like shit since you had been too.
He ignored you and continued, "Being around you makes me feel guilty. I feel like I'm turning my back on everything I've worked so hard to build...When I'm with you, I have to go against every instinct I have for myself. If you were anyone else, if I didn't have these fucking feelings for you, I would've killed you a long time ago. You drive me insane." He was getting frustrated now, you could hear it in his voice.
You understood what he meant and you even felt a pang of sympathy for him but that didn't mean you were forgiving him and you definitely didn't enjoy what he was saying. You felt some of the same feelings. Being around Kylo made you go against instinct as well. You had to let go of your morals when he was inside of your mind and body and it made you conflicted. The only difference was that you were able to handle that on your own, you didn't hurt him in order to figure it out.
Kylo wrestled with this frustration in silence. Then, he looked over to you, wanting to get your attention. "I didn't mean any of it...All of those things I said to you. They were lies."
You didn't react. "I know." You said simply.
"But it still hurt you." Kylo said, although it was a question he said it as if it were only a statement. He didn't understand. He was this well respected and successful man but he had no emotional intelligence. Ever since he'd gone from Ben to Kylo, his entire life was filled with manipulating others to get ahead. He couldn't remember what it was like to have genuine thoughts and emotions.
"Of course it did." You sighed. "It hurt because you did it on purpose. You were selfish, you wanted to make yourself feel in control so you tried to take away all of mine." You explained to him, playing with a loose string on the blanket underneath you, trying to preoccupy your eyes.
You continued, "It hurt because I would never do that to you, Kylo."
That hung heavy in the air.
You frowned, "You terrify me too, you know... I thought I killed off my ability to feel anything for anyone a long time ago and then you showed up and fucked up everything that I worked for. The worst part is, I don't know if it's real....I don't know if you're even telling the truth now."
Kylo was staring ahead, letting your words pierce him. He had tried so hard to push you away, it was his goal. He needed to get rid of you like he got rid of Ben. But now as you were sitting next to him, he didn't want that. He didn't want to hurt you. But he didn't know how not to. If Snoke knew how soft he was for you...Kylo shuddered at the thought of what he'd do.
"I'll never trust you, Kylo, I've told you that before. But what you did to me... I don't think I'll be able to forget it." You were being honest. Even though you would be able to forget about the words themselves, they were just lies, you would always question his motives.
Kylo's stomach flipped at that, lip twitching. You were never going to forget it.
"So, back to your apology," You smirked lightly, "I'll accept it. But that doesn't make it okay. It's not okay."
"It's not okay." Kylo agreed with you. He didn't know what else to say. For once, he was at a loss, confused about what direction he needed to go in.
"I lied to you like that because I allowed myself to give into my feelings for you while we were away... then all of a sudden, we were back here and I..." He wasn't sure how to finish that. It took him a moment, then, "I'm not used to being so scared." He admitted this to you in the smallest voice you had ever heard from him. Even when he had been sobbing into your chest, he hadn't looked as defenseless as he did in this moment.
It almost took your breath away. Now you were the one who didn't know what to do. You had the urge to help him but you couldn't bring yourself to.
"You don't need to be afraid of me." You said to him simply. You wanted to say so much more.
Kylo didn't respond to that. It wasn't the comfort he wanted. He wanted to be in your arms, just like he had been the night he told you about his mom, the time you called him Ben. But you wouldn't do that for him anymore, he knew that.
Kylo stood up from your couch, grabbing his jacket from the seat he'd left it on. "Well, have a good night." He seemed so sad. There was nothing else he could do.
You didn't say anything to that. You watched him leave, biting your lip to keep from telling him to come back. You were still hurt that he did that to you in order to keep his own feelings protected. But you did understand where he was coming from. You had more in common with him that you realized.
Kylo walked out of your apartment. The sound of the door shutting seemed so loud.
Your eyes traveled to the chair that his jacket had been laying on and narrowed your eyes when you saw something on the back of the cushion. As you got closer you were able to see that it was a flash drive. You picked it up, it must've fallen out of his pocket.
You started making your way to the door to yell for him and tell him he'd left it. But then you thought about Hux's words, "I need you to help me take down Kylo Ren".
You stared at the flash drive in your hands, wondering what could be on it. Maybe it was nothing, something stupid like bills or legal documents. But maybe there was something more on there. Something that could be of use to you.
Kylo was oblivious to what he'd accidentally left behind as he walked back into his apartment. If he would've known, he would've taken it back. It was important.
He numbly took a seat on his couch, staring off into space.
With the silence practically suffocating him, reminding him how alone he was, he let the tears fall from his eyes.
Only this time you weren't there to help him wipe them away.