I crawled into my hotel bed, exhausted after a fantastic show at the Olympiastadion in Berlin. I'd sung my heart out to over seventy thousand screaming fans and was feeling incredible. The Oceania leg of the tour had been tough since I'd spent the whole time focused on Ceci's news about the baby. Since then, I'd adjusted to the fact that I was going to be a dad and was feeling upbeat about the future.
A knock at my door surprised me. Typically no one on my team bothered me after a performance because they knew I needed my rest or that I had company for the night. I hoped to god it wasn't a fan who had somehow figured out my room number.
I looked through the peephole and saw Andrew standing there with his phone to his ear.
"What's up, man?" I asked as I opened the door.
He stepped inside and spoke into the phone. "Here he is, Karen. I'll stay with him, don't worry."
"What's going on?" I asked as I stared at his outreached hand.
"Your mom called me because there's been an accident. She didn't want to call you and have you get the news alone," he said, his voice grave.
An accident? I felt the blood rush out of my body, and it took me a moment to realize he was still holding the phone out for me to take.
I grabbed it. "Mum?"
"Shawn, honey...I hate to have to tell you this," she said and I knew from the sobs that she was crying.
I felt my legs start to go weak with fear, so I slowly lowered myself down until I was sitting cross legged on the floor.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Ceci was driving home from work and someone swerved into her lane and hit her head on."
Oh god. I could feel the sandwich I'd eaten after the show churning in my stomach.
"Tell me she's okay," I pleaded.
"She's going to be fine. I'm here at the hospital with your dad, Lisa, and Eric and we've all seen her."
I breathed a sigh of relief. "Should I come home?"
"Yes, I think you should." She paused. "She...she lost the baby and needs you."
The phone slipped onto the floor. Andrew sat down across from me and picked it up before putting a comforting hand on my shoulder.
"I need a flight to Toronto," I whispered.
"I'm on it," he replied.
I took his phone from him again. "Tell Ceci I'll be there as soon as I can."
The next eighteen hours were a blur. Andrew got us on the earliest possible flight, but I still had to endure the rest of the night. He offered to stay with me, but I insisted that I needed to be alone. I didn't want to break down in front of him. After our travel plans were secured, he left and I fell apart. Never in my life had I felt such intense grief. It was like I'd lost a part of myself, which I guess I had. I cried into my pillow until I had no tears left, then I got up and washed my face. I sent my mother several texts telling her when I'd arrive and then I texted Ceci.
I'll be there soon
I'm so sorry
She never responded, but that didn't surprise me. What was there to say?
My mum called to give me a few more details. When we'd first spoken, Ceci still had the baby inside her, but soon after they'd induced labor. She'd had to deliver our baby. I couldn't imagine how horrible that must have been for her.
My mother also texted me a bunch of hospital documents that explained that the delivery of a deceased fetus prior to twenty weeks was technically a miscarriage instead of a stillbirth and required no death certificate or burial. I had no idea how to process this information. Was I supposed to be relieved that it hadn't happened a few days later, or did it minimize the loss to simply call it a miscarriage?
When we landed, a car was waiting to take us to Toronto General. We got to Ceci's floor, and I sprinted ahead of Andrew. My dad and Eric were sitting in a waiting area and they stood as I approached.
"I...I need to see her," I said frantically through my mask, which all visitors were required to wear in the hospital.
"Calm down, son," my dad soothed. "She's very distressed and it's not going to help if you bust in there like this. Take some deep breaths and get yourself under control."
Andrew caught up to us. "Have they said when she'll be discharged?" he asked.
Eric nodded. "Dr. Morton thinks she'll be able to go home tomorrow. There was some hemorrhaging after the delivery and they want to make sure that's not going to continue."
I leaned forward and put my hands on my knees as a wave of dizziness hit me. I hadn't slept and had hardly eaten in two days and it was catching up to me.
My dad took me by the arm to lead me over to the chairs.
"No!" I said, pulling away. "I'm fine. I need to see her now. I've waited too long already."
I proceeded to the room and slowly opened the door. Ceci was in a hospital bed with her eyes closed. My mum and Lisa were sitting in two chairs near the window. They both stood up and each gave me a long hug.
"We'll leave you alone. She'll probably wake up soon since she only sleeps for short periods," Lisa whispered.
They left and I lifted one of the chairs and brought it to the side of the bed, setting it down gently so it wouldn't wake her. I sat down and looked at Ceci. Her face was pale but also splotchy from crying. My eyes moved their gaze down her body. Her stomach still had the small bump that I'd caressed before leaving on tour. Seeing that made me burst into tears.
"You're here," her scratchy voice said, causing me to look away from the now-empty belly.
I grabbed Ceci's hand. "I'm sorry it took so long."
"I told your mom to tell you that you didn't have to come home."
"Of course I had to come," I said. "There's no way I wouldn't be with you right now."
Tears started streaming down her face. "Our baby is gone, Shawn."
"I know, honey."
"I...I had to deliver her, but I was so hysterical that they gave me something to make me sleep."
Her. Our baby had been a girl. Ceci was supposed to have the ultrasound to learn this in a few days.
"I should have been here," I said through my tears.
Ceci shook her head. "You had no way of knowing."
"As soon as I found out you were pregnant I should have canceled my tour to stay by your side."
"Even if you'd been here in Toronto, this still could have happened."
I started to choke on my sobs. Fuck. I wasn't being strong for her like I needed to be.
"I loved our baby, Ceci."
"I know you did."
I stayed with her until she fell asleep again, aided by some drug the nurse put in her IV. When Lisa and Eric came back in the room, I stepped out to the waiting room. My parents insisted that I get something to eat, so we went downstairs to the empty cafeteria and discussed my plans.
"I'm staying as long as she needs me," I stated.
"I need an idea of how long that will be," Andrew said. "We're going to have to cancel shows."
We'd already canceled the two that followed Berlin.
"I'll talk to Ceci and let you know as soon as I can, but I'm telling you now that if it will help her, I'm prepared to call off the rest of the European tour."
Andrew nodded, though I knew this was the last thing he wanted to hear.
After eating a turkey sandwich, I went back to Ceci's room so that I'd be there when she woke up. Her nurse wheeled in a reclining chair, a pillow, and a blanket so that I could get some sleep. When I awoke, it was dark outside and Ceci was sitting upright in bed looking at her phone.
"Hi," I said as I moved the chair into an upright position. "What are you doing?"
"I just texted my boss that I'd be back at work in two weeks. My parents told her I'd been in an accident, though she didn't know I was pregnant so that part was left out."
Ceci had somehow managed to conceal her bump under baggy sweaters and jackets, but we'd known that wouldn't last much longer. We had been preparing for her announcing her pregnancy, and not long after that it would have been revealed that I was the father. It was strange thinking that most of the people closest to us would never even know what we'd lost.
"Two weeks is too soon."
"I need to get back to my routine and Dr. Morton said I'd be fine by then. I just want to move on from this."
"I'll stay with you while you're recuperating," I told her.
"You don't have to do that."
"I want to. Even if she hadn't been my baby, I'd be here for you. You're my best friend."
"Thank you," she said quietly. "I really need a friend right now."