Touring again after thirteen long months would have been amazing if not for the massive atomic bomb Ceci dropped on me right before I left. I couldn't go a minute without the fact that she was pregnant popping into my head. At least on stage I could get lost in my songs, but the knowledge that I was going to be a father was still present in the recesses of my brain. Even when I slept, babies permeated my dreams.
At the end of our talk, she'd told me that I had a choice to make regarding how involved I wanted to be in our child's life. Obviously I had an obligation to help provide for it, but there was a vast difference between sending Ceci a monthly check and helping raise the baby.
A couple days after I'd left Toronto, she texted me and gave me more food for thought. She said that if I didn't want to be a dad at all, we could keep the child support payments between us, and she wouldn't tell anyone that I was the father. No one knew we'd hooked up that night, so she could easily make up a story about a one night stand.
Ceci, being an overly generous soul, was trying to give me an out because she knew parenthood wasn't part of my plan, or at least not for many years.
I had quite a bit of downtime during the stint in Oceania, and I spent it isolated in my hotel room so that I could give this dilemma the thought it deserved. In the wake of coronavirus, no one questioned my desire to keep to myself, which was a blessing.
There were so many things I had to consider.
First and foremost, did I have what it took to be a good dad? I traveled a lot for my career and often spent months away from Toronto. Ceci had studied architecture in college and was working an entry level job as a draftsperson at a small firm that specialized in environmentally sustainable tiny homes. It's not like she would give all that up and travel the world so that I'd be close to our child. It wasn't fair for her to totally sacrifice her burgeoning career for mine just because I was a world famous rock star, especially when she was already giving up a lot by becoming a mom. Could I make sacrifices?
The baby was due in September, right when my North American leg was kicking off. What kind of asshole leaves his newborn child behind to sing songs on stage? People in the military did this kind of thing all the time when they were deployed, but they were needed to defend their countries. That was respectable. Concerts were hardly a necessity. If I went all in on fatherhood, I'd need to tell Andrew ASAP and cancel the dates that had been penciled in, before tickets went on sale. Or maybe I could do an abbreviated tour where I was one the road one week and home the next. That could work. Maybe.
Those things were mostly about me, though. I wasn't the one that mattered in this decision. What counted was how my involvement impacted the baby.
In a perfect world, Ceci and I would co-parent, dividing all duties evenly while giving our baby love equally. It was hard for me to see myself doing this when I didn't even want a baby in my life. My dad used to tell me all the time that you can't have sex without accepting that conception was a potential side effect. It was selfish to deny my child its father just because I hadn't planned for it. Whether I wanted the baby or not, I was responsible for it existing. This thought gave me pause. Ceci and I had created the life that was growing rapidly inside her. That was pretty amazing. When I closed my eyes, I could vividly imagine cradling a tiny newborn in my arms...
Shit. I had no idea how to care for an infant. There was time to learn, but what if I was terrible at it? I'd end up leaning on my parents a lot for support.
My parents. They were another consideration. If all I did as a parent was make regular bank deposits, they wouldn't know they had a grandchild. They'd still be a part of the baby's life since our families were best friends, but how fucking miserable would it be to sit at their table at Thanksgiving, watching them ooh and ahh over Ceci's baby without them knowing that it shared their DNA? The guilt would be terrible.
On the twenty-four hour trip home from Australia, I made my decision.
After a day of recuperating from my flights, I walked to Ceci's apartment. It was about a mile from my condo, but I needed to clear my head before talking to her. I passed a pizza place on the way and impulsively went in and ordered a large garlic base with olives, mushrooms, and onions. I'd timed my visit so that I'd arrive soon after she got off work, which is why bringing dinner made sense. Plus, it was a peace offering of sorts.
Balancing the large box in one hand, I knocked on her gray metal door.
"Oh hey!" she said with a surprised look when she opened it. "You're back."
"Yep, and I come bearing gifts. Or rather gift, singular. It's a pizza with your favorite toppings."
She shook her head. "Way to spoil the present before I open it."
As I followed her into her tiny studio apartment, my first thought was that there was no room for a baby in this place. She barely fit the minimal furniture she had.
I set the pizza on the counter, which doubled as her dining room table, and took off my coat and hung it on a hook by the door before pulling up a stool. I had a weird send of deja vu as I realized I'd done the same thing (with champagne instead of pizza) on New Year's Eve.
She got us each a glass of water and helped herself to a slice. "What brings you here?" she queried after eating a couple bites.
I finished chewing the food in my mouth before replying. "I've given our little situation a lot of thought."
"You mean my pregnancy? No need for euphemisms. I promise you my apartment isn't wire-tapped. This isn't going to end up on some trashy entertainment site."
"Um, yeah, I'm obviously talking about the baby," I said.
"And?"
I took a deep breathe. "And I want to keep things quiet for as long as possible. I think we should tell our parents and I'll need to tell Andrew, but other than them, it would be cool if we kept it on the down low."
She nodded thoughtfully. "At some point I'm going to be showing."
"I know, but I googled and learned that can take some time with a first baby. Even if it becomes apparent you're pregnant, maybe we could keep me out of it for awhile."
Ceci picked up another piece of pizza. "I'm a little confused. You want our parents to know, so I guess you aren't taking the option I texted you about. Are we keeping this a secret because you don't want to be very involved in our baby's life, or is it something else?"
"I'm going to be a dad and I am going to take that job seriously. If I'm being honest, part of it is because it's the right thing to do. That's not the only reason, though. We love each other, Ceci. We always have. I know we can raise a child together and be damn good parents, because we make a really good team."
I watched as she fought back tears. "We haven't been a team in a long time, Shawn. And this love you speak of isn't the kind that forms a happy family. We had something special, but it became dark and twisted. If we're doing this, you and I need to establish boundaries. I'm not going to allow myself to get hurt by you again."
My heart broke at her words. She wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know, but it was still painful.
"It's almost like maybe you wanted me to take the option where I'm not in yours or the baby's life," I said, my voice catching.
"I want what's best for it. If you can do better with our child than you did with me, then I absolutely want you in our lives."
"I'm going to do better. I promise."
She ate her slice of pizza and then drank some water. "So why the secrecy? If you're truly involved, then it's going to go public."
"I know, but I want to protect you and our baby for as long as I can. As soon as the word gets out, you'll be hounded by photographers. They'll camp outside this building and will follow you around. I've got the European tour, so I won't be here to protect you in person. Keeping the fact that you're having my baby a secret is the only way to keep you safe."
She couldn't hold back the tears this time. I got off my stool and wrapped my arms around her as I'd done so many times before. She cried into my chest, dampening the thick cotton sweater I was wearing. When she was done, she gently pushed me away.
"Thank you. The idea of having Shawn Mendes's baby and being thrown to the gossip site wolves has worried me."
"I hate it when you say my full name like I'm not the same guy who held your hand every day on the way to kindergarten," I said. She opened her mouth to speak, and I shook my head at her. "Don't say it! I know I'm not that kid anymore, but I'm still just Shawn and you know I still care about you, despite everything."
"I know," she whispered.