the entire gang felt like it was in our best interests to spend our saturday afternoon at a park, sitting around a literal mountain of snacks which we all contributed to.
"so yall aren't fuckin with the fig bars........ok"
"only virg's like fig bars mj"
"tell your tastebuds to grow the fuck up chris, these are god sent" ben defended, stuffing two bars in his mouth.
at least someone likes my fig bars.
"okay deadass we gotta work on what we're gonna do for the talent show, we've had no new songs in like... a year" rodrick said, plopping a grape into his mouth.
dana was the only one who brought natural earth-made foods to our little picnic. she said it would make us look "cottagecore".
"baby we're both wearing 4 inch platform boots, rodrick's over here with skinny jeans, and ben and chris are wearing matching korn shirts... i don't think we exactly look cottagecore right now"
"we got grapes and strawberries doe"
"who's gonna feed the cows at 5 in the morning if we were to live in a cottage"
"you" dana innocently said, holding a heart out with her hands.
"omg no you"
"GUyS CmoN" rodrick complained.
"what? that's a löded diper problem, dana and i are just the roadies" i said, bumping my elbow with dana's as we giggled at the lack of responsibility we had for the band.
"okay but i have an idea! since we're guitarist-less, and you play... maybe you can... you know... join us?" rodrick suggested.
i looked at everyone dumbfounded. me joining löded diper? it's not like the idea wasn't intriguing. i'm just... como se dice... too lazy.
having to come up with rhythms and lyrics and perform with actual energy??? barf in a bag, too much work.
ben and chris looked at me with the same desperate expression that rodrick had and i hate to admit but it was kind of working.
"i don't know guys... i'm honored you're asking me and i love you all with my soul and body, but i don't think i'm fit for being a guitarist an-"
dana made a weird sound and held up her finger before speaking.
"uh not fit? bitch you're amazing. i swear to god you guys whenever i hear her play it makes me tingle"
i almost spit out my water at her tingle comment.
"first of all, not fair, i haven't seen you play yet. second of all... see???" he gestured towards dana.
"i would love to join you guys, but in all pure holy honesty, i'm just lazy. a band seems too much for me to keep up with right now" i admitted with a casual shrug. everyone simultaneously rolled their eyes and i grabbed my chest in offense. a quadruple eye roll? bitches.
ben started to go on a tangent about how löded diper wouldn't reach their full potential without me as their guitarist, even going to the point of comparing me to the sun.
"without the sun we'd all die" rodrick charmingly backed up.
way to tug on my heartstrings asshole.
maybe helping a little wouldn't hurt.
"okay okay fine, i'll fill in for a LITTLE until you finally find someone to take my place before the talent show" i caved in.
"deal!" rodrick excitedly said, all 3 of the boys now fist bumping each other.
i was whipped for all these losers.
𝟼:𝟹𝟿 𝙿𝙼
we regrouped at rodrick's basement for what i assumed to be the first band practice with me included.
"oh uh i didn't bring my guit-"
"here i brought my other guitar for you" ben enthusiastically said while handing a beautiful les paul to me.
they really did plan this huh.
"holy shit she's beautiful" i gratefully took the guitar.
we all stood around in an awkward silence while dana sat on the side on her phone.
"what now" i asked, looking over at rodrick.
"ah shit, we didn't think about what we'd do after we got you" he realized. the other boys nodded in realization too before dana suggested we warm up with a song we all knew.
good smart dana.
the 4 of us looked at each other trying to think of songs that we would all collectively know how to play.
"dana give us some classics and we'll give a yes or no" ben suggested.
"uhh smells like teen spirit?"
"yes"
"yes"
"no"
"yes"
"how the fuck do you not know how to play that" rodrick complained to chris.
"in too deep?"
"yes"
"yes"
"yes"
"yes"
"oh shit for real??" dana gasped.
"wait-" ben stopped. "genesis or sum 41?"
"why the fuck would i suggest genesis?"
"nevermind i don't know how to play that one then"
we all groaned and dana suggested about 7 more songs before naming a personal favorite of mine that i liked to play religiously. a true fucking middle school classic.
"r u mine by arc-"
"fuck yes"
"yes"
"yes"
"yes"
we all shot our heads up in shock.
"oh fuck finally" rodrick said in relief.
currently screaming inside. nervous as fuck. yea i knew the song like the back of my hand, but i felt like i needed to impress. if i fuck up i'll cry on god.
after getting the okay from ben to turn up the distortion a little, rodrick clapped his drumsticks together and counted us off.
dana gave me a thumbs up and i smiled.
" ONE TWO THREE FOUR"
"holy shit??? ... i don't think we've ever played as awesome before..." rodrick said breathlessly.
"for real, you were amazing mj" ben beamed.
"fuck yea you were!" dana joined, chris nodding his head in agreement.
"shit thanks guys" i smiled warmly. it was pretty fucking fun to play in a band not gonna lie.
we all went into the kitchen to get water and snacks, ben eagerly leading the way.
"i knew you'd totally rock" rodrick smiled down at me with his arm hung over my shoulders.
"stop..." i rolled my eyes grinning. there's something about rodrick's compliments that make me want to curl up and die. maybe it's the way he says them in such a low voice for whatever reason.
"no seriously mary, you're crazy talented at like everything you do! it's insane, you always know how to shake the table" rodrick hyped even more.
his comments were making me feel more and more bashful by the second and i started to get speechless. does he really think of me like that?
it's not like i was picasso or jimi hendrix or some shit.
"you're making it seem like i'm all that, cmon now, that's you" i chuckled genuinely.
"okay loser" he rolled his eyes with a chuckle as well, ruffling my hair before we entered the kitchen.
we stayed in rodrick's room for another hour, all of us sprawling out in different spots while having a heavy debate about ice cream flavors.
"it's rocky road or die"
"please say sike rodrick... please i'm begging" i pleaded from the floor. who the Fuck likes rocky road???
"as if yours is any better" he sassed, leaning over his spot on the bed to look down at me.
"it is. oreo bitch"
"GOT EEM" ben yelled from the chair.
i raised my eyebrows at rodrick, gesturing towards ben proudly.
he shook his head with a scoff before grabbing a pillow and slamming into onto my face, making me yelp. i grabbed the same pillow out of his grasp to hit him back in the face.
"OW"
𝟷𝟸:𝟹𝟶 𝙿𝙼
hell yes. church. the perfect place for a holy person like me.
i never know what to wear to these functions.
grabbing a long sleeveless white dress, my docs, and a shit ton of random necklaces and rings, i nodded to myself. this was appropriate enough. the black eye look and dark lipstick might be a little daring for the jesus stans but i personally think god would appreciate it.
"lets go!" mom yelled from downstairs.
"kay!" i yelled back, grabbing all my stuff and heading down.
"mary jane!" mom gasped offendedly.
"what"
"cover your damn tattoos! you already have that makeup and nose piercing, don't give the people another reason to think you're the devil!"
mom didn't believe in those things, but she feared the judgement from hardcore christians, especially towards me for some reason.
"mom.." i whined.
"cmon honey just for one hour" she aaid understandably.
"you're lucky you're my mother" i jokingly pointed at her before running back to my room to grabbing a loose black cardigan.
following mom with rivi by her side down the church aisle, i groaned to myself. no disrespect to whoever's upstairs, but why couldn't i just stay home?
i spotted rowley and ruffled his hair while him and joey did a lame handshake for what felt like an eternity.
shaking my head in embarrassment, i walked away, leaving joey to find us once him and rowley were done.
we found a spot and 5 minutes later, the sermon started as everyone stood up and started to sing some gospel song.
looking around the church with a sigh, i noticed the heffleys walking in late. rodrick looked like he was forced to lead the way, the pained look on his face making me grin.
at least we were on the same boat.
coincidentally sliding into the row in front of ours, rodrick's eyes widened as he made eye contact with joey, immediately looking up to search for something and stopping when seeing me. i giggled and waved at him and he cutely reciprocated the gesture, as well as the rest of our families.
"nice dress shirt" i quietly teased.
it looked damn good on him.
"nice dress, like actually" he complimented, slightly nodding his head with an impressed frown.
everyone was beginning to sit down and rodrick and i looked around in confusion before getting the hint and sitting down as well.
roddy rich
y am i here
mfs b texting in church
but felt
bro
BRO
u should c what i did 2 greg
i left an unwrapped candy bar
on greg's seat in the car n now
it looks like he shit himself LOL
a loud snicker came out of my mouth, and i immediately tried to cover it up by clearing my throat.
mom glared at me from beside joey and i whispered a "sorry" before looking back down at my phone in humiliation.
rodrick
nice loser
shut up plz
make me
oh??????,,
wait no no it's not like that. right?
fuck why's it so hot in here? flapping my cardigan to cool myself down, rodrick looked behind to give me a smile that almost seemed sly before turning back immediately.
oh what a fucking dick.
rodrick and i sneaked texts to each other until it was time to go up and eat the little crackers. the heffleys started heading their way up and my eyes immediately trained on rodrick.
not for any reason though.
he walked down the aisle nonchalantly and i noticed he was wearing converse with his church outfit.
why the fuck is that kinda attractive?
ok maybe i was checking him out a little bit.
he looked real good. like ultra good. there was something about that shirt and tie that was doing it for me.
i smiled to myself. the tie was so obviously not his idea.
maybe he'd appreciate it if i took it off f-
WOAH. woah.woah.woahwoahwoah
my eyes darted everywhere in panic to make sure no one was somehow reading my thoughts.
jesus christ mary jane, you're in church.
plus, he's your friend. and only your friend.
there's no denying there's definitely something about rodrick, but he's not just the boy next door or the hot guy you saw at the roller rink anymore. he's your best friend, next to dana of course. your relationship is too good already.
a small wave of shame washed over me and i peeled my eyes away from him.
..... maybe one more little peek.
"POOP!!!!!!"
what the Fuc k
"HE'S POOPED HIS PANTS!" a little girl yelled, immediately causing me and joey to stand up to get a better look.
"oh my god" i muttered in shock. that's what rodrick was talking about.
i put my hand over my mouth in shock as greg stood in all his chocolate-shit stained glory front and center at the altar, babbling in defense like an idiot.
"it's chocolate! see! chocolate!"
"HOLY SHIT!" i yelled as greg swiped a finger across his ass and licked it. everyone groaned in disgust and i started to laugh hysterically.
rodrick looked back at me from the front laughing equally as hard before turning back to his little brother who looked like he was out to murder him. oh my god.
"HOLY FUCK!" i yelled as greg lunged at rodrick, tackling him onto the floor. mom hit the back of my head for my language and i mumbled a half assed apology while taking my phone out to record.
"this is gold" i laughed to myself.
rodrick was still trying to get a scrappy greg off of him and joey and i looked at each other. putting my phone away, the both of us ran out of our seats to break the two boys up. joey pulled greg off and i helped rodrick off the floor.
"i'm gonna kill him..." he muttered before him and greg simultaneously tried to go after each other again. joey and i freaked out as we lost grip of the two boys before mr. heffley stepped in and grabbed greg and rodrick by their collars and dragging them out of the church. mom gathered joey and i as well, leaving before the sermon even finished.
everyone in the church had different levels of shock on their faces as we all rushed out, making me giggle. i fucking love the heffley family.
we stood next to rowley and his parents outside, watching the heffleys as they went to their car. rodrick and greg were still hitting each other despite mr. heffley still holding them apart and mrs. heffley was going off, frantically scolding everybody with manny in her arms.
what a shit show. i love it.
"yea... let's go home okay? you guys want food?" mom awkwardly said, walking us to the new car she bought yesterday.
𝟸:𝟺𝟽 𝙿𝙼
roddy rich
lol
i got it on video
8-)
SEND RN
Attachment: 1 video
wait i look like im getting my
ass beat by greg delete it
bc u were???#lmao
🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼
fuck u 2 m8
did u get in trouble
uhhhhhhh idk i think my
mom's humilitated
she won't stop freaking out
about how she's gonna write her
new newspaper column 2 my dad
humilitated
poor susan ): luv tht woman
susan's fine
she rly likes u too she said u were
a nice girl
lol
bitch the fuck
wym lol
fk r u tryna say
i would ask how it felt when u
fell from heaven but im pretty
sure u crawled ur way up
MOTHERFUCKER
I HATE U
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INSTAGRAM now
diperman6969
pls unblock me im soz
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𓆈
jus came across sum clips from the words on bathroom walls movie ,,,,,....,,, devon b sexy as shit bru frfrfrfrr