"Stop pacing Lucas."
He shakes his head, ignoring me and continuing to walk back and forth. His feet grinding when he turns, walking in and out of the sun that I watch from the cover of the bridge.
It turned out to be a good enough day, despite the freezing temperature this morning that I was sure would cause my nose and cheeks to fall off. Once the sun came out, it didn't take long to warm up.
"We need to go Ella. He told us to move on if he wasn't here by the morning."
"I know." I say it a little quieter, he hadn't stopped telling me this since the moment we woke up.
"It's past the morning now." The sun had already reached its peak, now turning back down again.
"He'll be here." I bite my lip against the nerves, he had to be.
"I think he'd be here by now if that's the case." I stayed quiet because I didn't want to give him anymore ammo for him to shoot me down.
It seems we wait around even longer, the sun falling even further and the more it does the more agitated Lucas becomes. Suddenly, he decides enough is enough, he grabs his backpack, throwing it over his shoulders before handing me mine.
"Put it on."
I push it away from me, continuing to sit on the ground. "No! He's going to get here." I said shaking my head.
"No, he's not! We need to move on!" He pushes the bag into my hands, my fingers grab at the straps just to stop it smacking me in the nose.
"Please. Just a little longer. Please." I beg him.
"We've waited more than long enough, It's time to go." I can't do it. I can't go knowing I'd be leaving him behind. We don't know for sure if he won't make it, it's still a possibility.
"But what if he does and we're not here." I stand up to face head on with him.
"Then he'll meet us at the farm."
"He won't know where it is, we only located it via the map. What if he forgot?" This time he leans down, so he's level with me. His eyes dead set on mine, a tone lower that has me chewing my lip.
"He's not made it Ella. You heard what he said, it's time to go. It's us now, just us."
We need him though; we've only lasted this long because of Fallen.
We would have died back on that road at the cottage if it weren't for him. I'd be dead, rotting away on that road, so would Lucas.
He picks up my bag again before grabbing my wrist, dragging me along. He's still strong even through his injury so I struggle against him. He pulls me out from under the bridge into the sun, warming my skin immediately.
I keep telling him no, that I want to wait it out.
Maybe we misheard him? Maybe he'd be here tomorrow morning instead and we just didn't hear it properly.
But then I keep seeing him surrounded, fighting them off but there's too many.
"We should of got out and helped him!" I stopped, ripping my wrist out of his grip.
"You shouldn't have stopped me!" There's a catch in my throat that I wasn't expecting and he looks down at me with a sigh.
"It's what he wanted."
"He doesn't know what he's doing any more than we do!" I shout at him.
He needed our help just as much as we needed his, no matter what Fallen believed.
"Excuse me."
Lucas jumps forward and grabs me the minute he hears the voice, dragging me behind him in such a scuffle I almost fall to the ground.
Suddenly someone hops down from the edge of the bridge, Lucas pushing us backwards and away.
I can feel him shaking, hear his breaths falter and how scared he is.
"I'd like to think I know a little more than you guys." They laugh, and I breathe a sigh of relief when I recognize the voice.
I pull out of Lucas' hold and run at him, throwing myself into Fallen who gratefully accepts it, even if he groans from the pain.
"You made it!" I mumble into his jacket and he wobbles on his legs a little.
"Thought I told you guys to keep moving." He chuckles dryly. Releasing me from the hug and I step back to see him raising an eyebrow at Lucas.
He walks forward and steps beside me. "And you thought Ella would listen?"
"I hoped you would have more influence on her then me."
He pulls him in for a hug, patting each other on the back. It's clear that Lucas was happy to see him too. "Maybe you are going insane."
He laughs, nodding along with him. "Maybe."
They pulled away, Fallen adjusting the straps on his backpack when he looked at us.
"You took your bloody time though." Lucas said, glancing at me for a second.
Fallen chuckles dryly, "Yeah, well. I got here didn't I?"
Although not easily, clearly.
I can see the bruises on his face, his left eye is swollen and there's some dried blood coming from the end of his eyebrow.
"What happened to you?" I breathe out slowly, relieving the pressure on my chest.
We let it happen to him.
"It doesn't matter. I'm here, that's all there is to it." He rubs the top of my head through the hat, smiling even though I know he's in pain..
"Right now. I think it's time we get going." I want a better explanation; I want to know what happened and how he managed to get away. But I don't get that; I don't get anything but him starting to walk away from us.
I look over at Lucas and he only shrugs his shoulders, looking equally as worried as me but we don't expect him to say anything more.
And so we walk, following him again through the paths and side roads. Passing over an even larger river along a huge footbridge, white and well maintained since it's not far south from central Dumfries.
We take the risk because it's the only place we can actually get over the river.
The wind whips across us, Lucas behind me and Fallen ahead but he keeps looking back and smiling at us, trying to reassure us that he's okay.
But I don't believe him.
**********
It's pitch black. Fallen had to switch to his head torch and it's a case of Déjà vu, except he's not carrying Lucas on his back and I don't loathe him.
In fact, I'm worried about him. But worrying doesn't get us anywhere and I should concentrate on what we're doing.
The daylight was lost a while ago and finding our way was getting harder and harder.
We've been following this road for a good while now and within that time there hasn't been a single car driven past us.
Which is fine, great actually.
Eerie though, when the only light source you have is Fallens head torch which is dim to say the least, only covering half the width of the road.
"What're you stopping for?" I pause along beside him; he bends down on his knees pulling aside some bushes. He leans more, shining the torch further into the depths of the bush.
I can't see anything, but he can.
"We're here." I jolt my head and look down the small gravel track that diverts off from the road. I thought it was just going into nothing, maybe into the fields like every other track coming off the road. I can't see anything off in the distance, I'd hoped maybe the moon's light might reflect off something.
And I thought I might be relieved - that we finally reached our destination- but my heart clenches further in my chest, having to take a heavy shaky breath to ease the pressure.
The feeling is worse now because we don't have a goal. We don't know anything more, at least before we had this place to get to but now, now we're in the unknown.
And that's scarier than I thought it would feel.
I think Fallen feels it too, taking a second to look at us, the light hitting me in the eye that I have to squint away from him.
"Stay close." He turns and we follow him down the track, I feel Lucas take hold of my hand quietly, squeezing it and I instantly squeeze back.
It takes longer than I thought to reach this farm, so long that I question if it's even there. Until finally Fallen's torch flickers over an overgrown door. Vines covering part of it, all dead and stuck down so tight it's almost like it had grown into the wood.
At least this way; we knew no one had been there in a long time, maybe not since our parents.
He tries the handle, it's locked.
Of course.
I search around, feeling the wall without the help of the torch light as Fallen looks around the other side of the door. My hand keeps moving through cobwebs so I have to wipe it off on my jeans every few seconds.
"Over here." I turn to him, Lucas already fumbling with something under all the vines. He's on his knees and I can't see what he's got in his hands until Fallen steps closer to him and shines the light on it. It's a coded padlock and it's thick, rusted in his hands as he turns it over analysing it.
"I think the key'll be in there." I step closer and see him pointing to the metal box there. Fallen tries a code, pushing Lucas aside but whatever ones he tries don't make it budge.
I can't stop thinking about all the events that led us up to this so I push him aside.
"Let me try something." He grumbled about wanting to break it open with a rock but I shook my head at him. Brute force doesn't always work, and I'd like to check out my thought process.
The numbers are rusted and take more pressure than I thought to slide them through, finally I get the right numbers and I pull. It doesn't do anything and Fallen sighs.
I sit back on my heels looking at it, but under the torchlight I can see a line of rust. It had moved and I leaned forward again grabbing the lock with both hands and pulling it down as hard as I could.
I do it twice, then a third time and it finally breaks open. A small plume of rust and dust expelling from it and I smile, glancing up at Fallen. I can't really see what he thinks but I can see him cross his arms over his chest when he looks down.
"How the hell did you know the code?" He sounds shocked and slightly frustrated.
I pull off the lock and open up the box, revealing the key there. It hasn't rusted much at all, still fairly silver coloured and it's only a single key. It's not attached to anything.
"My birthday." I stand up, holding the key out in front of me. I glanced down at it, noticing how much dirt was under my nails under the bright light from Fallen's headlight.
"But why?"
I shrugged,"I think this whole thing... I think it's for me to find."
"But that doesn't make sense. Why would they do that?" I shake my head at him, I don't want to make him feel bad. I really don't but it looks that way.
I can hear it in his voice though, it's strained and confused, our parents didn't leave anything for him to find. That maybe they thought he wouldn't make it? I'm not sure but either way, he sounded a little hurt even if he tried to sound normal.
"I don't know. It's not like we can ask them so why bother questioning it? All I know is that the dog chip was in my arm, which led us here. If they'd wanted me to find that, then they'd want me to find whatever is in this house."
He doesn't say anything in response and I take that as my turn to the door, jamming the key in there and feeling the satisfying turn of the lock. We clear away some of the vines from the door, scratching against my palms and fingertips.
Through the darkness I can feel their nerves, I turn the handle and the door creaks open, using my shoulder to get it all the way open.
The air is so stale that it stings my nose once I step inside, coughing through the dust that was uprooted from the inside of the door.
My hand flicks the switch in the hallway but nothing happens, which I expected.
"No power." I said, Fallen pushes past me saying something about having a look. I can see him moving through the short hallway, the light suddenly expands a little further out. From the short period of light from his torch I can see it's a living room with exposed overhead beams and as he walks further to the back, he passes a kitchen unit. But then he's gone through a door in the back and the light that provided anything for me and Lucas is gone, we're left there standing looking into empty darkness.
"I can't believe this is it." I let out a half laugh when he said it, nodding to myself.
"Me neither." I say even quieter.
He's standing against the door still. Not one of us wanting to move in the dark in case we fall over something. "It's not just me that doesn't feel any better being here?"
I nod in the dark, forgetting he can't see me for a second. "It's definitely not just you."
Suddenly I hear a whirring starting from the back at the house where Fallen disappeared through, it gets louder before settling into a continuous hum of energy.
It's not a few seconds later until the light turns on in the short hallway in front of us.
I smile at Lucas, pointing a finger up to the ceiling when the light flickers loudly. A smile grows on his face as well, that dimple deepening in his cheek when he does. He doesn't have to do much to warm my insides.
We step further into the house, it's a bungalow from what I can gather and now I can flick on another light switch for the main living room. Lucas shuts the door behind me before meeting up next me, I slide off my backpack onto the floor when Fallen comes back through the door.
"Looks like I'm useful for something." He jokes, pulling off his own backpack and throwing his head torch to the ground. He stands around, looking around the room. It's fairly bare, neat but dust covers every single surface.
He starts to walk around the smooth marble countertops that outlined the kitchen area. He circles around into it, wiping a hand over the top of it, admiring it almost.
"Pretty nice place this." I nod, not that he's really looking at me. He's opening up all the cupboards, the fridge which has begun to whir away in the corner. Everything is empty, like it'd never been lived in before.
If it weren't for some of the books neatly arranged on the bookshelf I wouldn't have been surprised if we were the first people to step foot in this house.
I take another step forward, my ankles hot and sore from the long days of walking that the sofa looks far too inviting. I slump onto it, Lucas does the same beside me. His head falls back against it, closing his eyes up to the ceiling. The sofa brings up so much dust that I sneeze through it, wiping my nose from any debris.
"How about we get some sleep? There were some bedrooms in the back." Fallen rests his hands on the counter, looking out at us sat down.
Lucas nods immediately but it takes him a minute or two to drag himself up. Stretching his arms up and that's when I see the deep bright colours poking out the gap between his jeans and the risen up jacket. I gulp having seen them, having to turn away just as quick so he doesn't know I've seen it.
They looked painful, and it makes sense that he'd move slow and stiff.
Fallen gestures to follow them, I get up, looking over the room again but it's still eerie and quiet that I don't want to stay here alone anyway.
Fallen shows us the rooms, Lucas steps into one already yawning and Fallen points to another for me. I contemplate not going in but I also don't want to make any more of a fuss, so I step through. Flicking the light on to see a double bed in here, the room spacious and sparse. The basic necessities and I turn on the lamp beside the bed, Fallen flicks off the big light at the door at the same time.
Before I know it, he's closed the door and left me to my own devices. I'm left staring off at the closed door before falling back onto the bed. My butt hits it and I feel the crisp stale duvet under my fingers.
My hands scrunch the thin duvet into my fists. I'm alone in this dim room, the lamp doesn't offer much light and it would seem silly to turn on the large ceiling light when he only just turned it off.
For some reason my throat gets tight, I don't know why.
I don't know why it's so hard to keep my breathing steady.
I pull off my shoes then my socks, my feet feel odd without them on. I curl them under my body, sitting upright on the bed now and looking around myself.
I still don't feel safe, I still feel as if they're lurking in the corner.
The one that strangled me, the one I killed.
The more I look around myself, aware of everything and stopping and having time to think for myself without anyone with me.
With this horrible, awful silence.
I can't stand it.
I can't stand it to the point my shallows breaths turn into sobs, my throat burns but I can't stop it.
I'm afraid they're too loud and I try to muffle them through my hand, wrapping my other hand through my jumper.
Holding the material in such a tight-fisted grip and pulling it and pulling it. I can't stop thinking of everything, I've managed to ignore it for the past few days, but now.
Now I think too much because I can't do much else when I'm alone in this room.
The walls are too bland and the entire world seems empty and I'm stuck in this loop of fear that never goes away.
Fear and guilt.
And they're both as strong as each other. Taking turns at ramming through my chest and brain till they don't work normal anymore.
I think I'm broken.
Entirely and impossibly broken.
And there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it, I suppose I deserve it.
After what I've done.
I don't want to be a murderer, Fallen.
But he never promised I wouldn't be one, so I was naive, wasn't I?
Or maybe, like any bad person, I just needed the right reason to go ahead with it.
I don't even realise someone comes through the door, not until they pull me into their lap. Wrapping their arms around me and telling that it's okay; because they're here.
He says my name over again, Elbina. Elbina.
It's okay.
You're okay.
"It's not Fallen."
"It is. It is." His hand wraps around my head, running his hands through my hair.
"It's fine Lucas. She'll be fine, just leave us." He speaks but I can't move my head from out of his chest, I'm sure I look like a mess..
I keep telling myself that this is irrational, that this won't help me.
Why can't I be normal?
Why can't I deal with this like Lucas and Fallen?
They aren't crying their eyes out till they can barely breathe.
"I'll stay in here with you, okay?" I nod, he talks to me like I'm five all over again. I hate being spoken to like that, but I hate it more that it makes me feel better.