Recommended Song(s): Pompeii by Bastille and Lemons by Brye
95/three months and two days
"Now, my apprentice," I started, pacing back and forth in the training room, Alanya sat on the bench in front of me. "You need to work more with the force then combat so for the next week I will be teaching you Psychometry."
Alanya gulped and nodded as she stood up. "Master Nova, what exactly is Psychometry?" She asked.
"It the ability to touch an object and learn about people or events associated with it." I answered. "I've used it many times for investigations. When you aren't force-sensitive it really difficult to master, but when you are it's a little easier. So, to start you are going to take something from this wall." I gestured at the wall holding all different kinds of weapons.
She walked around the large training room in search of something to use until she took a throwing knife off the wall hook. She then came back over to me holding the sharp weapon in her hand. "First, since you aren't entirely ready to do Psychometry yet, what you are going to do is be aware of your surroundings, not physically, but mentally. So close your eyes, and just breathe." Alanya did exactly as I said and started to inhale and exhale, still clutching the blade.
"Something that has always helped me to be closer to the force is reciting the Sith Code. Would you happen to know it?" I asked.
"Yes, I memorized it not too long ago before I was your student." She answered.
"Okay, then finish after me.
Peace is a lie. There is only?"
"Passion."
"Through Passion, I gain?"
"Strength."
"Through Strength, I gain?"
"Power."
"Through Power, I gain?"
"Victory."
"Through Victory, My chains are broken."
"The Force shall set me free."
"You see, there is something that the Jedi teach is that everyone and everything connected by the force to bring peace. Which in only partially true. We may be connected to and through the force but it is something we can bend. Use for ourselves. Manipulate. As it says in the Sith Code, "Peace is a lie, there is only passion." That's what I need to teach you. How to use the force with your emotions. Nothing else. When I was little I actually wanted to be a Jedi. Memorized the Jedi Code and everything.
It says...
'There is no emotion, there is Peace.
There is no ignorance, there is Knowledge.
There is no passion, there is Serenity.
There is no chaos, there is Harmony.
There is no death, there is the force.'
Do you see the problem with that?"
"Yes Master, they are saying that there is no such thing as one and only the other exists in truth when really you can't have one without the other!" Alanya said.
"Exactly." I praised. "How do you have knowledge without ignorance? H-how do you have peace without emotion? Harmony without Chaos? Certain things can not happen without the other. It's just the way things work in the Universe... You may open your eyes, my apprentice." Her blue-eyed gaze caught mine and she smiled. My lips almost curved into a small grin. Today isn't that much of an optimistic day for me. "I hope you learned something today." I said putting my hands behind my back and going over to the door.
"Yes, Master Nova, I did, thank you." She bowed.
"Just practice connecting with the force and that dagger, and you'll be ready to learn Psychometry in no time."
I opened the door and left.
Training was a little short today, but meaningful. And Alanya's learning. That's all that matters.
I thought as I made my way down the hall, not to my own quarters, but to the launching bay trying to avoid any people. I have something I need to take care of away from the Steadfast.
***********
My ship jumped into hyperspace as soon as it got into space its self, I sighed leaning back in the pilot's seat. Like I said, today's not really a joyful day.
I just want to get this done and over with like every year. You know what, why do I even go? It's not like it really matters to the universe if I do.....
The ship leaped out of hyperspace arriving in Toylernor's atmosphere then landed gracefully near the forest. I took a deep breath. Why does it feel like this time is different? I've been doing this for years so why now does it make me feel odd?
Before leaving the ship, I fixed my robes and hair so my scars wouldn't be seen so easily and so I wouldn't get soaked by the rain, because it could clearly be heard on the roof of my ship, and left my lightsaber behind. There's really no need so why bring it?
I exited, going over into the trees and traveling through with a swiftness, since I already know where I'm going I don't have to go slow. The farther I went in the darker it became, giving a slight eirey effect. Besides the rain, silence filled the air. Most would think my footsteps would make some sound but I learned how to keep them silent. A small house soon came into view, moss covering the base. I walked up to the door and opened it with the force as I do every year.
I went in hesitantly for it was very cold and dark inside. Trying to feel my way around, I eventually found a light and turned it on. The now illuminated house was more welcoming.
I discarded of my black robe and put on the shorter brown one that was on a chair. I brought my arm up to my nose and sniffed the sleeve letting the comforting smell of Cinnamon and Embers fill my lungs. I then went into the small bedroom and lifted the mattress to find a silver and black hilt, it was a little damaged but still worked, so I picked it up and connected it to my belt. On my way out of the room, I accidentally bumped into the dresser and something small fell. I turned around looking to see what dropped. It was a disk and it projected a photograph. I then bent down to pick it up and look closer.
Four people were in the photo.
A smiling man who had his arm around a woman as well as holding a child in his other arm. The woman was kissing the man's cheek and holding another smaller child in her arms.
My father, my mother, Eyra, and myself.
I don't remember being in this picture.
I looked so tiny too and so did Eyra and we all were happy. I gazed at it, longing and sorrow swelling in my heart.
I could've had a perfect family...
I could've had a sister to laugh with and grow up with...
I could've had a caring Mother to help me do my hair and listen to me when I cry...
There's so much I could've- would've had, but it was taken from me...
Sure, I've already avenged them, my Grandfather is dead at my hands.
But that doesn't bring them back...
And it never will.
Quickly, I turned it off and pocketed it.
My head whipped to look to the front door upon hearing a suspicious sound outside.
I ran out the door and in a moment I took the lightsaber off my belt and ignited it letting the red blade glow. I looked around for the source of the noise only to find that it was a small fox in the bushes. She was beautiful, her orange and white fur as fluffy as can be and her pitch black eyes stared up at me, possibly in surprise and fear. When I crouched down (turning off the lightsaber of course)and held my hand out letting her know it was safe, she hesitated but came out then sniffed and licked my hand. But she heard something in the trees and left. I chuckled softly and stood up straight moving my feet along the small path and leaving the house behind me.
The rain started to pour heavier than before and soaked my clothes in a matter of seconds but I don't mind, I like the rain more than any other weather condition, and Daddy always said that if I stayed out in the rain for too long I would catch a cold. I have only caught a few colds though. I wonder why? Maybe because I spent the first five years of my life playing in the snow every day? Or maybe because naturally my skin is always chilly? Either way, I just rarely get sick from low temperatures. I guess the cold has never bothered me.
A/N {Guess who's listening to Let It Go while writing this?}
I reached a small patch of grass among the dirt and in the middle was a stick marking its place. I sat down on the wet grass, trying to regulate my breathing to help me to be calm.
I am one with the force and the force is with me.
I thought, closing my eyes and breathing in and out.
I am one with the force and the force is with me.
I am one with the force and the force is with me.
I am one with the force and the force is with me.
I could feel everything around me. The grass. The tress. The insects. The birds. The land animals. The water. The air. All of it. There was a balance here.
I am one with the force and the force is with me.
I am one with the force and the force is with me.
I am-
"I am one with the force and the force is with me....." Came a gentle voice in front of me. "I remember teaching you that one."
I opened my eyes to see my daddy. Sitting right in front of me. He looked the same. Skin a little darker then mine, short dark brown hair, eyes made of clear Emeralds, freckles like scattered stars across his cheeks. Everything was the same except for he was transparent and had a blue tint to him from being one with the force. "Hello Daddy." I said leaning forward to hug him tightly. Surprisingly, I could have physical contact with him. "Hello, my little Stargazer." He replied returning the hug all the same. "I've missed you..."
"Likewise." I grinned pulling out of the hug. "How've you been this year, Eclypse?" Daddy asked, taking one of my hands into both of his warm ones. "I know I talk to you often, but rarely like this. How are you really?"
I sighed. "I-I'm okay, being a Commander of the First Order is not easy, I have an Apprentice now, and I might have maybe.... met someone?"
Daddy's eyebrow raised in surprise and his lips curved into a small smile. "Oh really?" He asked. "That's wonderful! Are they a part of the first order too?"
I nodded avoiding my Daddy's gaze.
"Uh, yes, he is."
"What is he like?" He asked farther, his smile growing wider.
"Where do I start? He is serious but at times kind, and stubborn too. He is very beautiful, and clever, and so many other things that I could list." I didn't even notice the grin that appeared on my lips as I talked about Kylo.
"...Do you love him?"
I froze. "I- no. Of course not. I can't love anyone, remember?"
He sighed sadly, looking into my eyes. "I know, Stargazer. I know. I remember your promises and oaths. And you keep them to ensure that you don't get hurt. I did it once too."
"C-can we move on from that, p-p-please?" I pleaded.
"Yes love, I know that's a very sensitive spot for you. So, how are you mentally? Still having night terrors?"
"Mostly just bad dreams, no terrors. But they're getting close to being terrors. And I have been hiding it from everyone, even the Supreme Leader. But I think my.... partner? Should I call him that? I don't know. I guess, maybe? Oh, to hell with it. I think he might know..." I rambled on quickly. "It's kind of hard to hide things from him. But still moving on from that, I have been better for the past few months. So thank you for asking."
"That's good." Daddy beamed. "And this apprentice of yours?"
"Oh! Yes, my apprentice." I said. "Her name is Alanya, yes I was surprised too, and she's fifteen. A little younger than I was but she's smart and learns quick. She reminds me of myself when I first started. Kind of confused but understanding. She was almost sent to be trained as in the Special Forces but I took her in instead. I'm trying to teach her about politics as well. I'm very proud of her."
"She sounds like joy, just like you were as a child." Daddy replied, placing his hand on my cheek. I blushed a little. Daddy has always said that when I was small I was the most joyful child, not so much now though.
"I see your scars have healed nicely...." He added touching each one gently.
"Yes, I don't have to go for examinations anymore or wear a patch. Anyways it's easier to see without it." I spoke with a little sadness in my voice.
"Eclypse." Daddy started, holding my chin so I would look at him directly. "Don't start. I know what you are implying and it's wrong. You're beautiful. Don't let anyone or yourself say anything otherwise. Because just a few scars don't make a difference."
I rolled my eyes. "You sound just like him." I mumbled.
"Well, then he knows better. The more people to tell you, the sooner you'll believe it yourself." Daddy smiled proudly. "And if he's saying the same things as me then I like him already."
I scoffed playfully and slapped him on the arm to which he laughed.
"Promise me you won't say that anymore." He added.
"I..... I promise." I sighed looking down to the dirt.
"And I want you to believe it. I don't understand how someone so confident can say such things about themselves."
A few moments passed. It felt nice to have my daddy next to me again as if I had never gone to the Academy. Never became a Sith. Never joined the First Order. It was as if I had grown up at home where I belonged and I was just sitting outside with my father.
"You have no idea how much I look forward to seeing you each year." I grinned which he chuckled. "I look forward to it too, Eclypse. Oh look, it's stopped raining..." Daddy and I looked up to the now clear night sky, the stars twinkling brightly. I hadn't even realized how much time had passed. "Look," I said pointing to a few individual stars. "There's our sign, Taurus. The, oh, I can't remember what that one is...."
"I believe it's the Bull, Little Stargazer. And next to it are the Gemini Twins and Orion." He answered. I nodded in agreement seeing the other constellations as well.
"Happy Birthday, Daddy..." I muttered, laying my head on his shoulder.
"Thank you, my love. Happy Birthday to you too." My Daddy replied then placed a kiss on my head.
In a split second, I was sitting by myself staring up at the night sky on the grass.
My time with my father was up.
*******
As I slowly walked through the still-lit Steadfast, I tried not to make much noise for no one knew that I left the ship and I don't feel like getting into trouble tonight. I just want to at least lay down in bed. My soaking wet robes made me really cold and I was shivering uncontrollably making it take longer to get there. Maybe I was so cold because I haven't been this cold since I've left Neeve so I'm no longer used to it. The cold air of the Steadfast doesn't help one bit. And also, using the force to talk to my father like that for such a lengthly amount of time takes so much out of me to the point where sometimes after I do it I can barely move. That's the big reason why I only do it once a year otherwise I'd do it way more often.
Just one more corner.
I thought nearing my destination.
I held onto the wall and exhaled sharply before turning the corner and walking towards my quarters' door. Once I reached the door, I didn't hesitate to open it, desperate to get inside to make myself warm. But when I looked up... None other than Kylo Ren was sitting on the edge of my bed, arms folded close to his chest and an expressionless look on his face.
"Where did you go?" Ren asked as I cautiously entered the room.
"N-none of your damn b-business." I answered, my shivering making me stutter. Fear sunk in as Ren stood and came to tower over me. Even though we were close in height I still felt as though I were feet below him.
"Nova, just tell me where you went." Ren hissed.
"N-no!" I protested. I don't want to tell him yet. I'm not ready.
"I'm not going to ask you again, Eclypse. Where. Did. You. Go." Ren ordered, slowly clenching his fist. I gulped. "I went to Toylernor."
"And why?"
"I don't want to say."
I held in a yelp when a gloved hand came across my right cheek painfully. Even after a few seconds from the impact, my skin still stung from it, and I bit the inside of my cheek in frustration. "I went so I could see my father. Every year I go. Is that good enough for you?" I said quickly.
"Why would you do that? You killed him for a reason." Ren asked, oblivious to my hurt inside. "Because maybe for a least one day a year I want to be able to talk to the one person who ever listened to me!" I shouted at him. I didn't mean to yell but his comment made me so furious that I lost control. It wasn't my choice to kill my father in the first place. It was my Grandfather's. He should know this, because he was told by his own Master, Snoke, to kill Han Solo when I know that wasn't in his heart. How dare he try to make it seem like I didn't feel pain? My volume, however, didn't have any effect on the tall dark-haired man. He looked at me up and down with something strange in his eyes that I couldn't identify but he shook his head slightly and turned around to not face me anymore and took a few steps forward. "Commander, you are not to leave the Steadfast without my permission. Do it again and you will be punished. Severely." said Kylo.
"I..." I was stunned by his rule. How does he expect me to stay on this ship? Most Officers like me do get time to leave once and a while. Is he just saying that I don't get that time to myself at all? I bit my lip, holding in my words then looked down to my feet. "Y-yes, Supreme Leader, Sir...." I said, not wanting to push it farther. "Is there anything else, Sir? That you'd like to address?"
"Yes." He announced, turning back around. He took my chin in his index finger and thumb harshly, not at all like how my father did. "I want you to remember that you are mine and only mine. If you ask nicely for my permission first then you might get what you want. Do you understand, Eclypse?"
I nodded despite his grip on me.
"Good." He sighed. "Now, let me help you freshen up. You'll get sick staying in those clothes." He began to pull me towards the washroom but I pulled back.
"I can do it myself." I retorted.
Kylo rolled his eyes at me. "Were you not shivering to death a few moments ago?"
I opened my mouth to speak against it but he was right, and I was still freezing cold and could barely move, so I let him lead me to my washroom to help me. When he pulled each piece of my soaking wet clothing off, I shuddered from the air hitting my skin. "I know, Nova. You'll be warm soon." Kylo muttered as he worked to remove the overly tight and wet binder around my breasts, his voice surprisingly soft/sweet. Maybe even caring.
Wait, no. What am I thinking? He doesn't care about me.
I reminded myself.
He's just doing this to seem like a halfway decent person, or to even rub it in my face that I'm stuck here now. Stuck with him.
Once I was bare, covering my chest with my arms, he turned on the shower and checked it to make sure it wasn't too hot. "Where are your night clothes?" He asked, turning back to me to release my hair from its bun. "In my closet behind my uniforms." I answered. I carefully took my time as I stepped into the heated water, wanting to sigh in satisfaction at the warmth spreading over my body. "I'll be back in a moment. I do expect you to be done when I return." And with that, Kylo left. Though I was tired from the day and from talking with my father, I washed my body and hair quickly, not exactly knowing when he'd come back(still I must've taken a little more than half an hour) but in the middle of rinsing myself I couldn't take it anymore. I leaned my back against the wall and slid down to sit, holding my legs in a fetal position and started to sob, glad that the water falling around me would drown out the sound of my cries.
How did I get myself into this?
I asked silently.
If it wasn't for my cursed lustful mind then I wouldn't be in this situation. I would have been better off not joining this damned Empire and I'd still be on Neeve, alone and not stuck with my former enemy and rival. What he did to help my Empire from dying out, and helping me in the past and now I am thankful for, but he's still ordered me to stay here on this ship and I can't disobey him. He's the Supreme Leader. Who knows? He would probably have me killed if I revolted against him if he didn't kill me himself. Though, two days ago when we were on Naboo, he was so kind to me. I don't think that was an act no matter what's happened. But that kind and gentle man isn't Kylo Ren. He will never be and I'll probably never see him again.
Sniffling to suck it up and push it all down, I stopped my tears and pushed myself up to stand and turn off the water just as Kylo re-entered the washroom, some sort of folded cloth in one hand. Silently, he helped me dry off then dressed me in the simple nightgown he brought for me, and I was thankful he picked that because I don't have the energy to put on more than one thing and as a result he ended up having to carry me to my bed. As soon as I was sat down I collapsed onto the pillows to lay down and sleep. I honestly don't care if I have terrible dreams right now, I just want rest and if that's the easiest way to get it then so be it. But I groaned when Kylo pulled me back up and sat behind me. "What are you doing?" I grumbled. My question was soon answered as he started to swiftly put my hair into two braids, not bothering to detangle it since it wasn't that bad. My mind started to remind me of my early days of being Empress, when Kaitlin and I were growing closer as friends rather than me being her superior, on the days when I would be so exaughsted that she would have to help me to bed too. Surprisingly I miss those days, but only for that reason, not for anything else that happened back then.
"How did you do it?" Came Kylo's voice which snapped me out of my thoughts.
"Do what?" I muttered, resisting the urge to collapse back onto him.
"How were you able to talk to your father?"
He sounded genuinely curious, so I decided he was worthy of the answer.
I sighed. "The Force but using a certain power in the Dark Side my Grandfatger had created. It was his way of having guidance from the Sith in our line. By summoning their spirit, I guess. I secretly taught myself to do it too while I was his apprentice just because I was curious, and my father knew it too." A small grin found its way onto my lips. "So, every year on... his birthday, for the past six and a half years, I've gone to the place I last spoke to him when he was alive, just to have a bit of time with him."
"Do you get to see him for long?"
"I get about thirty to forty-five minutes, but it seems like an infinity with him, until my time is up and I'm too weak to walk since that's all I can handle." I feel a bit more relaxed now, and Kylo is done with my braids, making quick curls at the bottom and it makes me wonder who taught him that? He lays me back down, letting me curl up under the plush comforter. Now I let my eyes close, happy that I could finally rest. I figured Kylo would leave right after that but one thing that caught me off guard was when he bent down over me and kissed me head, whispering: "Don't forget, it's your birthday too, Nova."
"No." I corrected him, not bothering to look at him. "Today is Eclypse York's birthday. And like Ben Solo, she's dead too. Darth Nova wasn't born, she was made. And that's who I am."
I heard Kylo sigh as he laid another blanket over me then he left so I could rest for the night. When I slightly opened my eyes, I saw that it wasn't a blanket, but my father's brown cloak which was no longer wet.
He must have dried it out for me...
I thought.
Slowly, I pulled it up to my nose and was glad that it still had the scent of Cinnamon and Embers attached to it. I held onto it tight and eventually drifted off into sleep. Maybe this won't be too bad after all, maybe when I dream it'll have some happy memories in it too. I guess I'll find out what's to come soon.