I woke up in a good mood. Hindi man kami okay ni Gerard, I'm happy that I get to wake up in my parents' home. Masarap pala sa pakiramdam. All those years of longing, finally napupunan na. Someone knocked on my door kaya nilingon 'yon. Mom peeped and smiled at me. "Breakfast is ready."
Ngumiti ako at hinaplos ang kumot sa hita ko. "Susunod po ako. I'll just call Xyline to check up on yesterday's event."
Nabawasan ang lawak ng ngiti niya at binuksan nang maigi ang pinto. "Today's your first breakfast here, we'd love to have you at the table."
I chuckled at sumuko na rin. Tumayo na ako palapit sa kaniya at hinalikan siya sa pisngi. We headed downstairs at dumiretso sa garden. Mas napangiti ako nang makitang tila pangpiyesta ang nakahanda sa lamesa. May pagkaing pang-heavy meal at mayroon ding bacon and pancakes.
"Jesus. Are we celebrating a birthday or something?"
Ngumiti sila sa 'kin habang hinihintay akong makaupo. I expected that we will seat in our usual arrangement pero imbes na sa isa pang dulo ng lamesa, naupo si Mom sa tabi ko. She smiled at me and tucked my hair behind my ear. We enjoyed breakfast habang pinag-uusapan ang darating na competition ni Hannah.
She looked at me and smiled. "By the way, my classmates found an old video of yours, Ate."
I shrugged as I cut the pancake with a knife. "Really? What video?"
"It's on Youtube. Your sand art competition."
Napangiti ako at marahang tumango. "Good old days."
She smiled at me. "You know I love art too, right? And I loved it even more because my sister is so good at it."
I chuckled and gave her a reassuring smile. "You will be better than me."
Xander stared at me like I'm some problem that he needs to solve so I smiled at him too. "You good?"
"How did you grow so tall?"
Natawa ako at itinuro ko ang plato niya gamit ang hawak kong tinidor. "Eat vegetables."
Naunang matapos kumain sina Hannah at Xander dahil may klase pa sila. Maya-maya, Mom smiled at me, but I can sense her worry. "What's wrong?"
Bumuntonghininga siya at pinunasan ang bibig. "Something happened..." Lumingon siya saglit kay Dad na marahan namang tumango.
He placed his elbows on the table and sighed. "In your event yesterday, four cameramen met an accident."
Mabilis kong naibaba ang hawak kong kubiyertos at pinunasan ang bibig ko. "What do you mean?"
"They said that some wires were in poor insulation so its sparked and caused fire... and... electric shock."
Bumagsak ang balikat ko habang nakatitig sa kaniya. "That's impossible, I've checked..." Natahimik ako nang mapagtantong hindi ako maililigtas ng anumang dahilan ko. Tumayo ako agad at tipid na ngumiti sa kanila. "I'll... get back to work."
Mom stood up and gently held my hand. "But you just came back from the hospital."
"I'll be fine." I smiled at her and headed upstairs. Kinuha ko agad ang cellphone ko at binuksan ang laptop. Nagtungo ako sa balcony para mahanginan dahil nangangatog ako sa kaba. Emails flooded my notifications, so I read them one by one.
It was our OM who sent me an email explaining exactly what happened. The victims were Kuya Andy, Kuya Marc, Kuya Syd at Sir Randy. Nangilid ang luha ko habang pinakakalma ang sarili. They were all fathers. May pamilya silang binubuhay. What have I done? They're still unconscious in the hospital and their families called for compensation... and my work termination.
My head spun upon reading the emails. Ultimo pagbukas ko ng bagong window, biglang lumitaw sa homepage ang isang news article tungkol sa nangyari. Nanlalambot ang tuhod ko dahil sa konsensya pero mabuti na lang at nakaupo ako dahil baka kanina pa ako bumagsak dito. I'm lucky that their families were convinced not to press charges, but even if they do, I'd understand. This is on me.
Shit.
I checked my phone for Xyline's texts. She's giving me detailed updates since yesterday and the latest one was thirty minutes ago. Stable na raw ang lagay nila Kuya Andy at pwede na silang bisitahin sa ospital. Naligo ako agad at nag-ayos para makapunta doon.
Sa pagmamadali ko, hindi agad nag-register sa utak kong tumatawag si Gerard. Nabitawan ko ang bag kong inaayos ko sa lamesa at sinagot ang tawag. "Hey..."
"How are you?"
Marahan akong pumikit habang unti-unting kumakalma nang marinig ang boses niya. How can someone who broke us could be the same person who makes us happy?
"Uh, good."
Saglit siyang natahimik sa kabilang linya bago huminga nang malalim. "I'm at work, I'll try to visit you—"
"I'm fine. I have to go, see you around."
I longed for his voice, but I know when to stop letting what he does for a living bother me. Nauubos lang ang enerhiya ko sa kakaisip. I took my car and drove over to the hospital. My knees got weaker as I approached the ward where Kuya Andy and the rest were recovering.
When I stepped at the huge entrance, inilibot ko ang tingin ko sa paligid. Napalunok ako agad nang matanaw sila Kuya Andy sa kanilang mga kama habang nakapalibot sa kanila ang kaniya-kaniya nilang pamilya. Some were on their phones and some were chatting, so no one look at my direction until I was close enough.
A woman who I suppose is Kuya Andy's wife frowned at me. "Bakit?"
"I'm..." Huminga ako nang malalim at hinigpitan ang hawak sa bag ko. "Ako po si Caroline. Manager nila Kuya Andy."
Umawang ang bibig niya at saka mabilis na tumayo. "Walanghiya ka? Ang ganda-ganda ng trabaho mo, hindi mo pa inayos!? Makakapatay ka pa ng tao, hayop ka!" Itinulak niya ako sa balikat at napaatras ako sa lakas nito.
Hinablot niya ako kaya mabilis na umawat ang isang dalaga. "Ma, tama na 'yan."
"Sandale! Nagsasalita pa 'ko! Itong putanginang 'to, dapat inaalis ka na sa trabahong lintik ka!"
No one cursed at me like that before, but I wasn't slightly mad because I believe I'm in no place to do so. Yumuko lang ako at tinanggap ang nakaamba niyang sampal pero dumilat ako nang hindi ito maramdaman.
Standing tall and proud beside me, Gerard shields half of his body on mine. He's in his usual all-black outfit again. I'm starting to believe that this is his work uniform.
Nasalag niya ang kamay ng babae at unti-unti itong binitawan. "I'm sorry." Saka siya marahang yumuko para humingi ng paumanhin at hinarap ako. "Let's go."
Hindi ako nakagalaw agad kaya marahan niyang inabot ang braso ko para maigiya ako palabas. Habang nasa hallway, nanatili akong nakatitig sa sahig.
"It's not your fault," Gerard said out of nowhere.
I forced a smile. "Hindi man lang ako nakapag-sorry. I felt bad for them." Nang makarating kami sa parking ng ospital, binuksan ko agad ang pinto ng sasakyan ko at pumasok na.
Napansin kong naghihintay siya sa gilid habang nasa likod ang mga kamay kaya ibinaba ko ang side window. "What are you doing here, by the way?"
"I checked up on you. Were you not informed that they were mad at you?"
Kusa akong napangiti at pinagmasdan siya. "Paano mo naman nalaman 'yan? Did you tap into my mails?"
He smiled sweetly and slowly shook his head. "I didn't. Stop overthinking."
Ngumuso ako at nagmaneho na palayo. Dumiretso ako agad sa finance para alamin kung magkano ng compensation na natanggap ng pamilya nila Kuya Andy. It's enough but I wanted to take responsibility, so I donated a fair amount. Dinaluhan ko ang meeting na inihanda ni Mr. Portes, ang CEO, para sa pagbabalik ko. I went to his office at napansing walang ibang naroon nang pihitin ko pabukas ang pinto.
"Good morning, Sir." I sat on a chair across his table.
"How do you feel?"
I forced a smile. "Anxious."
He closed his laptop and placed his elbows on the table with his hands intertwined. "I know that... you have always been responsible."
Awtomatikong dumapo ang tingin ko sa lamesa niya nang marinig ko ang salitang 'yon. I think I knew what he meant.
"What happened has sparked... questions on labor issues. How safe are our employees? How come that our cameramen could actually face danger like that? Did we even hire ergonomists?"
Huminga ako nang malalim at patuloy na nakinig.
"I know that you did your best, Miss Mendes, but I trust you. At this moment, what do you think is the best thing to do?"
I took my time to think, I'm afraid I didn't need much of that. Huminga ako nang malalim at tinignan siya nang diretso sa mga mata. "I'll resign."
It was a deafening silence before finally nods. "It will hurt to see you go, Miss Mendes. You have been remarkable since your first day."
Pinilit kong ngumiti. "Thank you. I'll see you around, Sir."
Sobrang bigat ng pakiramdam ko habang naglalakad palabas ng opisina niya. Dumiretso na ako sa opisina ko at tumayo agad si Xyline nang matanaw ako mula sa desk niya. "Kumusta ka, Ma'am?"
I smiled at her at naglakad na papasok ng opisina. Naupo ako agad at humarap sa laptop ko. I typed my resignation letter and my farewell email to all of my staff. They were downstairs at baka hindi ko na sila mapuntahan doon. I'm afraid I lost my energy to interact for today.
When I pressed the "enter" button and saw that my mail was successfully sent to Mr. Portes, sumandal ako sa upuan ko at tumanaw sa isang larawan sa lamesa ko. Litrato namin ni Miguel noong naka-graduate ako. I took it and carefully slid it into my bag.
Xyline knock on my door kaya nilingon ko ito. She came in teary-eyed as she held a black filing box kaya tumayo ako at inabot ang kahon. "Thank you, but do I really have to leave today?"
Ngumuso siya. "Mr. Saura will replace you on Monday. I'll fill him in so Sir Jate said that there's no need for you to stay here for a month. But they sincerely wished for your recovery. Natatakot lang din silang baka mapasama kayo kung magtatagal pa raw kayo rito."
I smiled at her and started picking up my personal belongings as she headed for the door. Nang matapos ako, lumabas na ako at huminto sa tapat ng desk niya. She stood up and forced a smile. "See you around, Ma'am."
"See around, Xy."
Hindi ko na inabala pa ang sarili kong alamin ang naging impact nito sa media. Kitang-kita ko naman ang naging panganib. But Mr. Saura is a responsible one, alam kong hindi na mauulit pa ito.
Pag-uwi ko sa bahay, naabutan ko si Miguel sa sala. Agad kong inilapag sa sahig ang kahon at tumakbo para yakapin siya, hanggang sa tuluyan nang bumuhos ang luha ko.
"Shh, you'll get through this."
Marahan akong umiling. "I hurt them."
"You can't do a perfect job all the time, Care. You've done your best. You fail, and you learn. That's life."
Pinaupo niya ako sa sofa at saka pinunasan ang luha ko. "There will be better days." He kissed me on my head, and I was struck by another sting in my heart when I realized what I've been keeping from him. Pinunasan ko ang pisngi ko at ngumiti sa kaniya. He deserves the truth. I wish to get it for him.
He's been with me all these years and I can't keep something that would mean a lot to him. Pero hangga't hindi pa ako sigurado, hindi ako pwedeng basta na lang magsabi. I want to give him the truth and an answer, kung nakokonsensya ako ngayon dahil sa nangyari, alam kong buong buhay niya, nakokonsensya siya dahil sa ginawa sa 'min ni Diego, who he thought was his biological father.
I wanted to ease his burden just as much as he eases mine every time.
I convinced him that I'm okay and that this is a good time to rest kaya napilit ko siyang bumalik na sa trabaho niya at 'wag na akong alalahanin. Nang makaakyat ako sa kwarto ko, nagbihis ako agad ng isang itim na jeans at kulay asul na pullover.
Hinanda ko ang isang string bag at nag-book ng Grab patungo sa isang mall. Mom called me as I stepped on the escalator.
"Hey, Care. How is it going in your office?"
"I resigned, Mom." Saglit siyang natahimik kaya nagsalita ako ulit. "Can we talk about this when I'm home?"
"Where are you?"
"Running some errand. I'll see you at dinner."
I ended the call at pumasok sa isang shop na nagbebenta ng mga cellphone. Damn, I hope this works.