I just got home from school, as always he walked me home. We left pretty late because I had more paperwork to do today, he was sleeping on the desk as he waited. He really should stop waiting for me, I can go home on my own.
The first thing I did was take a shower and seeing my reflection made me sigh, I look like a mess. Even I could say that I'm not as bright as before, my bags are getting darker each day. I get why Kenma's upset to see me work all the time.
I went to my room to get changed, seeing the screen of my phone light up. Who messaged me this late at night? Other than Kenma I don't think anyone would message me.
Maki-chan: Babe we need to head to school tomorrow, I know it's a Saturday but we have to.
Maki-chan: Tell him.
I throw my phone to my bed, aggressively drying my hair with the towel. I'm really annoyed. I enjoy doing my work as long as it doesn't take much of my time, and that I could still rest while I'm away from school.
Having to be called to come on a Saturday morning makes me want to rant right at their faces. However, I am to be blamed for not declining the offer and just obediently accepting the position of being the next president after Takeuchi-san.
I don't understand why they came to voting instead of electing, or by choice, and by choice I mean.. whoever the heck is next to Takeuchi-san (in our case is Maki) should be the next president, why did it have to be me?
I lay in bed, staring at my phone as I repeatedly turn it off and on as I asked myself if I should tell Kenma. I can already tell that he'd groan the moment he sees my message. He knows more than anyone that I struggle a lot with the paperwork. Ha.. let's just tell him.
ME: Love I'm going to school tomorrow.. council duties.
♥︎: I'll call.
Almost immediately my phone rang and I looked at it for a few seconds, letting it just ring repeatedly. Please. Please don't be mad and let's have a casual conversation, be kind and understanding... you already are. After a few rings I answered.
"Rest.. please." He says through the phone, I can hear the frustration in his voice. "Why do you have to go??"
"It's a part of what I do.. I'll be home as soon as I finish." He whined, he's really mad.
"Is taking away your rest a part of what you do? (Y/n) I barely see you unless I go to you.." We do not see each other much in school, I'm mostly in the council room during break times. "Please just don't go.." I'm the president.. I can't.
"I'm sorry but I hav—" He hung up. "What the hell?"
Are we fighting? Was that an argument? I don't see any negative sides aside from me not obeying him. He sounded mad, is he really? Is this our first actual fight? Whenever Yamamoto hangs up when Honami's speaking, it's always an argument between them.
From the frustration, I felt all the urge to cry. We never fought, how will I solve the conflict between us? He was never mad at me so what will I do now that he is? Kenma's scary when he's mad.. though I'm not sure how he'll be if he was mad at me.. what do I do??
I'm just crying, gasping for air in between my sobs as it was difficult to breathe. He's mad. He hasn't called again or said anything through texts. I keep checking on my phone in case he says something but he hasn't said anything yet.
I lay in bed and hug a pillow close to me, why does my pillow smell like him? I cried on my pillow, trying to fall asleep by crying. He really is mad this time, what should I do to make it up to him? What do I need to do to calm him down and not be mad at me anymore?
I'm still trying to asleep by crying. That's one of the best ways to fall asleep, it's actually helping but I guess not today. All of a sudden, the doorbell rang all over the house. It distracted me up from my cries. My mom messaged me to see who it is, making me go downstairs and contain my sobs.
I pinch myself and take a deep breath before opening it. I twisted the doorknob, carefully pulling the door open. I only cried more when I saw who it was. I cover my mouth with my hand, seeing Kenma right behind the door. He pulled me into a hug and pat my back to calm me down.
"Why are you crying?" I lightly hit his chest as I cried, why is he even asking that?
"Don't be.. mad at me.. Please.." I look up to see a baffled look on his face. He brushed my hair away from my face, entering the house as he hugged me. "I'm sorry.."
He held my hand when he broke the hug, pulling me up to go to my room. He sat me on the bed before locking the door. The moment he was right in front of me, I wrapped my arms around his waist only getting kisses on the top of my head.
"I'm sorry if it seemed that way.. I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at what you do." He wiped my cheeks with the back of his pinky, cupping my cheek and leaned it to meet my lips. "I'm not mad.. stop crying.."
"Then why are you here?" He let out a sigh, pulling me down to lay on the bed with him. He hugged me close to him and now our faces are just an inch apart.
"I'm here to keep you from going.." What? No.. I immediately frown, I can't do that.. "That, or I'm coming with you tomorrow.. it's our anniversary, (Y/n)." Oh my god, did I really forget that?! No.. It's our special day! (Y/n) what the hell? "Let's sleep, goodnight."
He pressed a kiss on my lips, not breaking away to have me calm down as he wiped my cheeks. He backed his head from me, showing me a sweet smile. I'm the only one who gets this smile.. I love you.. I rest my head on his chest and we both fell asleep.
I really thought he was mad, jeez he could've said he was coming here. But maybe he was on the phone with my mom if he wasn't reaching out to me on his way here. He has a bag of clothes with him, he might stay over tomorrow too.
If he keeps staying over then it'd be very hard to part from him. It's hard to think that, I'm already so used to his warmth and having him around.. doing so many things with him then.. the possibility of breaking up even if we're still going smoothly it's just.. complicated.
If we ever break up, what will happen? Will he try to get back with me? Will he say sorry and prove himself that we could still go on? Yamamoto and Honami's relationship is scaring me.. that's the truth. Seeing how they're fighting and knowing they took a break from each other.. I don't want that.
I woke up from him shaking me. I give him a tired smile with eyes half-open, I still want to sleep. He pulled me up and made me lean on him, pressing a kiss on my forehead. He held my chin and pulled it down to open my mouth, I tasted pancakes.. he made breakfast.
"Sleepyhead, do you actually not plan on heading over to school today?" I made myself comfortable on him, letting out a chuckle as I closed my eyes again. "Love, are you or are you not going?" I opened my eyes and directed him to look at me, planting a kiss on his bottom lip. "Love."
I frown and let him go, closing my eyes again as I bury my face in his neck. Having him around makes me want to stay at home.. a day of absence won't hurt? "Date.." The convention is today and I want to go there.
"No, you're going. I can't be a reason to keep you away from your responsibilities." My eyes shot open, whining to hear him say that. He shuts me up with a kiss, keeping his lips on mine until I stopped trying to make a sound. "We will head to the convention after lunch."
I finished the pancakes and he made the bed for me, he already showered so I guess.. I head downstairs and found a note on the fridge, the hell? Mom and Dad's not going to be here again, for a week this time. I wonder if Kenma knows..
Remembering my mom's eyes as she spoke to me, Kenma hiding something from me, and the way of how his parents were speaking to me last time.. It makes me so curious, I want to know what they know. It's just so weird that my senses are telling me that they are all hiding the same agenda. What is it?
I was taking a long time in the shower so Kenma went to me. Honestly didn't know how to react to him seeing me naked, but he's seen it all! What should I even hide? Yeah my body when we're not doing it.. We're not even married yet, we're in high school. We shouldn't be too comfortable.
He dried my hair for me, wrapping his arms around my waist from behind and rested his chin on my shoulder. I'm in a bathrobe, having him hug me while I'm somehow bare makes it weird. He's also licking the spot below my earlobe, that's my sensitive spot.. He gave me a hickey there.
It's been almost a month since we've been intimate and close like this. I really have been away from all the usual things we do, kisses and hugs are what we do most these days. He's been extra clingy with me, texting or calling me during break when I'm in the council room, making up excuses just to come over.
I look at him, our faces a few centimeters apart. His eyes are telling me that he's tired, and that he wants something from me, he's sad. I crash my lips on his, eyes instinctively closing the moment our lips touched. He replied to all my kisses but there's something missing.. he's seeking for answers.
He turned me around and my back hit the edge of the counter, he fixed my bathrobe to hide my body from him. I bring my hands to his chest, going up and grabbing a handful of his hair as he continued to kiss me.
"Let's go." He broke away and turned around to leave but I grab his hand, looking at him with questioning eyes. "You're already late, (Y/n)." He intertwined our fingers and brought me back upstairs.
He's fine with changing his clothes with me around but he went downstairs again just to get changed. I wore my clothes too, sitting on the edge of the bed as I stared at my feet. He should just leave.. we're not fine.
I turn to the door and he's just staring at me, he went to his bag to put his other shirt away. "Kozume, you can leave.. I can go to school on my own, forget about the convention.." I head to my drawers to get myself a pair of socks, feeling him grab my wrist. I look at him, he's teary-eyed.
"Am I the only one making efforts here?" He asks, a tear rolling down his cheek. "I'm here to spend time with you even if you're busy. We haven't done anything but me walking you home, waiting for you to finish your work.. You never tried to put things aside even just for a short time.." His grip loosened, moving his hand down to hold mine.
"Kenma we have responsibilities, we can't always be together.. You know that!" I raised my voice again, no (Y/n) what are you doing? He's really crying. What am I doing?
It's true, he's the only one making efforts. He's trying to keep us going and I'm the one who's pushing him away. He would even decide not to sleep just to talk to me, fix things between us. But we really do have our own lives.. we're not married that we could stick to each other every time.
"Do you hate me?" What? "(Y/n).. do you want to take a break?" My heart sunk. No, I wouldn't be able to handle that. I shake my head and more of his tears fell. "It's.. I think we need it." I shake my head again, my own tears falling from my eyes.
"No, I'm sorry.. It's our anniversary and we're arguing.. No, Kenma please." I'm the one who said that I'm scared of us drifting apart but it's me who's been distant! He even asked me if I hate him! What have I been doing that he felt that way?
He let go of my hand and headed to the bed, he carried his bag as he turned to me with a forced smile. "We'll go to school.. and we'll go to the convention, spend the rest of the day with each other.. then we'll take a break." It's my fault.
"Do we still love each other?" He went up to me, pressing a kiss on my forehead.
"I do, but do you?" I bite my bottom lip, nodding my head as my tears uncontrollably fell. I do, of course I do. That's why it hurts.. "Don't answer in a whim, I'll be waiting."
He helped me calm down before we headed to school. He still held my hand, gave me kisses, still told me he loves me.. but it feels so empty. It's like we're just forcing ourselves already. It hurts to know that I hurt him when I told myself that I would never..
We got to school and I met Maki by the hallway, Kenma said he'll go to the classroom so he'd just follow. When he was away, I broke down and cried on Maki. She panicked, I'm sorry.. He's probably crying too, right? Of course he is, you hurt him, (Y/n).
I told Maki everything and I just let her stay quiet, she doesn't need to scold me or tell me anything.. I had to hold it in, I came here to work.. not to cry over us. We're just going to be taking a break, we're not breaking up, that's different. It's different. I hope it is.
Kenma came and I had to wipe my cheeks immediately, he knew so he tried making me smile. His eyes were saying that he's hurt, how can he even try to do something like that? I want to say that we're fine, but we're not.
His question, his doubt.. It was obvious that I was neglecting him and that he was the only one trying, maybe I should've told him the truth about my work. That I'm the president.. He should know, I'll let him know! Maybe that could solve our problem.. That can do it, right?
Maki said she'd be out for a few minutes, so we're left alone in the council room. Kenma's just playing with my hair as I checked the papers. I should tell him, he will understand and we wouldn't need to take a break from each other.
"Love.. I can still call you that right?" He smiled and nodded, pressing a kiss on my forehead. "I-I'll clear things up between us.. H-Honestly.. I'm the president.. That's why I couldn't let go of anything so suddenly, I have an important role.." I ramble on, tears going to the surface of my eyes from the fear of parting from him.
"I know your position. Makoto told me." He knew? So why are we taking a break? I don't want that! "(Y/n) listen, I didn't say that we should take a break because of that.. We really need to be apart, only for a month or two. We need time for ourselves." Why? We're fine!
"How can I ignore you for that long? Kenma you're still my seatmate! It's difficult.. why are you.. please.." He pulled me close, burying my face in his chest for me to cry. He kisses my head as he pats my back, stroking his hand up and down against it.
"You said it yourself, we can't always be with each other.. We have our own lives. I want us to last long that's why I'm doing this.. I'm doing this because I love you.." He held my chin up, planting a soft kiss on my lips.
And so, that day.. he waited until I could go with him to the convention. We set aside our problems and acted like we were fine. We took photos at the convention, playing the games that were there, laughing and smiling as if we weren't scared of the day ending.
We did everything we can. He brought me to the mall to eat, we also roamed around to look at random stores, bought nonsense things to distract ourselves. Our laughs were so genuine that they sounded so fake, we were both holding back.. it's just so sudden.. Why now?
My grip on his hand got tighter ever minute that passed that got us closer to the end of the day. He gave less kisses and more hugs, like he was doing it to comfort me. We're not parting, we're just taking a break.. but it's so scary to go on without speaking to each other.
We're at the arcade, playing the basketball one.. our first date was here. I tried my best not to cry and instead laughed it off, it's so obvious that I was being fake. Any moment now I could just breakdown and cry, I don't want to be alone.. not now.
He brought me to an 8 Eleven, buying me ice cream to cheer me up. I'm outside, just sitting on a bench as I waited for him to come back. It's nearing summer but it's so cold, I feel cold. I immediately wipe the tear that rolled down my cheek, don't cry.
"Love, here." It's in a cup, at least it'd be less messy. He sat beside me, smiling brightly as if he's fine.
I take the ice cream from him, taking a spoonful of it into my mouth. Why am I eating something cold when I already feel so cold? But I guess having him beside me makes it warm, even for the slightest bit. I have to get used to not having him around soon, I hate myself.
"You're such a messy eater." He cupped my cheek, wiping my lips with his thumb. My eyes stared into his, seeing how desperate his is too. Neither of us wants it, but we need it.
"Am I allowed to keep wearing the necklace and the bracelet? Keep your contact name the way it is? Wallpaper? The keychain? Can I still use the journal? Can I still talk to you?" I have so many questions, that I just had to keep asking him about everything. My tears are streaming down my face..
He nodded, a tear falling from his eye. I don't want this. "We're not breaking up, of course you can keep it that way."
"But are you going to keep it? Knowing you, you'd probably change everything.. please don't." He's not reacting, he really planned on doing it. "Kenma.."
He pulled me in and connected our lips, why is he shutting me up? He's really going to change everything.. He's not going to keep things as they are. He may even change seats! No, I don't want that. I don't agree to that! He's just kissing me, he's not saying anything.
Fucking, why do I have to be like this? It's clearly my fault that we're like this! I forgot about him, I didn't realize that I was neglecting him.. I was all about the council and hiding it from him, he knows and yet.. why? Why are we like this all of a sudden?
"Stop kissing me to cover up, I don't like it.." I rest my forehead on his, looking straight into his eyes to get answers.
"I still love you, (Y/n). I'm sorry."
We rode the bus back to my place, only holding each other's hand as a way of comforting the other. I'm looking out the window, still crying over the fact that we're being like this. I hate it. Well, why am I the one complaining? It's my fault that we needed a break..
He gently pinched my cheek when we reached the bus stop. He carried our bags and pulled me out of the bus. He tried to walk but I stood in place, not wanting to go home yet. I don't want this day to end yet, I don't want to take a break yet.. just not yet.
He turned to look at me, I couldn't do anything else but force a smile and let out a chuckle. Of course, I'm still crying over everything.. cursing myself nonstop for hurting the both of us. I said that I love him, that I would never hurt him.. but I neglected him and blamed it on him.. is this even love?
We just stood here, he waited until I could go. I couldn't so I hugged him and cried on his chest. I'm being dramatic, aren't I? We're not even breaking up! It's just a break, for a month.. or two, or maybe even longer.. or maybe forever! I don't know..
"We have to go, (Y/n).." He held my chin up, giving me a kiss on my lips. "Come on."
I told him to walk slowly. I don't want to go home yet, it's going to be a pain.. I don't really want this. But I brought it upon us, I should accept it! Yeah, look on the bright side, you'll have time for yourself and you could do things you couldn't while you guys were together. (Y/n) you can do this!
We got to my house and now, here comes the most painful part. I held both of his hands, swaying it side to side as I look back and forth between our hands and his eyes. I'm smiling sweetly at him, pretending that my tears aren't falling again.
Kenma took a step forward and bent down to kiss my lips, letting go of my hands for him to pull me closer. My hands were directed to rest on his shoulders and his were on my waist. I won't be feeling this for a while, I'm going to be longing for this.
I took advantage of the situation, I tugged on his bottom lip and he let me push my tongue inside his mouth. I wanted to do what he does, but he did it instead. He sucked mine and explore my insides, it'll be a pain to be longing for this sensation.. but it's my fault haha..
He broke the kiss, a string of saliva bridging our lips. He licked it off me, pressing one more kiss on my lips. "Go inside.."
"Say it.." I beg, not wanting to part without hearing it for the last time. He shook his head as he let me go, slowly taking a step back. He held my bag out for me to get it, my heart's breaking every second.. that I could see him still in front of me. "If you won't then I will.. I'm sorry and I love you.. be careful on your way home."
I step forward, pressing a kiss on his lips and his cheek. I back walked as I waved and smiled at him, biting my bottom lip to prevent myself from crying more than I already am. I turn around, looking over my shoulders to look at him.. opening the door to head inside.
I close the door behind me, falling to the floor as I slid against the door. I hug my knees close and cried, I'll be incredibly lonely for a week. My parents are away, he's away.. can't bother my friends because they have their own problems with their boyfriends.
Why am I even crying? Shouldn't he be the one who's crying? I hurt him! It's unfair for him to have me crying over something I did! How pathetic of me to even breakdown and cry for hurting him, he should be the one who's crying and not me.. but he's keeping a blank expression.. how?
I head upstairs, getting changed without taking a shower, I don't have the time and strength for that. I need to rest for today, I've done nothing but cry.. I'll wash my face later. I throw myself to my bed, smelling his scent from my sheets almost immediately. My phone lit up so I had to check it.. only crying again to see the text.
♥︎: You know how much I love you, (Y/n).
♥︎: That'll never change.
He just had to, when I was already calm.. He's so sure but why are we parting if he knows that he does?? If nothing will change then why? "I do, but do you?" I still do, I never stopped. I still love him as much as he does, nothing ever change!
Maki suddenly called so I just had to speak to her about it. I want and need help from them, I can't be alone.. I'll feel lonely and I might hurt myself just like before.. I still have that fear of being alone and feeling lonely, I don't want the past to repeat, and I don't want to break my promise.
Ena's having problems with Kuroo-san suddenly coming home drunk so she couldn't help me right now, Honami said she'd come over to cheer me up even when she needs it herself, Maki said she'd stay over while my parents were away.. I love my friends.
I wanted to know if Kenma was supposed to stay over, I wanted to know if he changed everything.. if he's not going to wear his bracelet, his necklace.. if he wouldn't use the keychain.. if he wouldn't speak to me. If he'd move seats.. I want to know.
ME: I won't bother you after this, but answer me truthfully.. please.
ME: Have you changed everything? Will you use the keychain? Will you wear the bracelet? The necklace? I won't if you won't, let's be equal..
ME: Were you supposed to stay over?
♥︎: I won't change anything, but I won't wear them.. and yes.
ME: Alright.. Goodnight, Love.
He won't change anything, he won't wear them. His reply sounded and felt so cold, am I imagining things? Or his reply was really cold and dry? I guess, if he isn't going to wear them then I won't.. makes me look a bit too ambitious.. Is he even.. of course, he's hurt.
Maki came over and we watched movies, avoiding anything romantic.. I don't want to remember that we're on break. She made jokes and she even acted out scenes from her favorite shows, she really will be an amazing actress. Maybe if she was the one on break, acting like she's fine would be easy.. maybe.
Crying while telling her everything all over again was inevitable, she'd only tell me that I should accept my mistakes and look back on everything to see if I had done something worse. After a year of not having an anxiety attack, I had it again.. it's been a while.
We went to school and met Honami by the shoe lockers, I got changed into my indoor slippers, leaning on the lockers as I waited for the two of them. Just then, I saw Kenma enter as he spoke to a girl.. it means nothing (Y/n). I know that it means nothing, but my anxiety's back.
Our eyes met so I took a deep breath, excusing myself from my friends. I rushed to the infirmary, looking for the oxygen mask and the pills from my bag immediately. My hands were shaking so I accidentally dropped the bottle and it shattered. I still tried getting the pills and the shards, getting cuts on my hands for trying.
I drank three pills, leaning on the side of the bed to catch my breath. The school nurse isn't here yet.. My hands are bleeding. It's okay, I didn't hurt myself.. it's an accident. The door slid open and my friends came running to me, all of them gasped when they saw the mess.
Ena picked the pills up and got a tissue to maybe clean them, I don't know. Honami waited until I could steadily breathe on my own, tying a handkerchief on each of my hands before dragging me to the classroom to get something.
This year, our seats are close and she's sitting in front of my seat. Kenma was there but I avoided eye contact, I stood at the back as I waited for Honami to finally get whatever it is. She seemed to be struggling so I decided to help.
"No, (Y/n) you're going to get an infection if you keep touching things with open wounds!" She grabbed my wrists and gently pushed me away, I want to help.. "The handkerchiefs are soaked with blood, just wait."
I saw that everyone was looking at us so I turned my head somewhere else, only to meet eyes with him again. I shake my head to let my hair down, covering my vision with it. Not now, don't look at me.. don't look.. leave me on my own.. let Honami do the work..
"Ah.. how much longer?" I wince in pain after clenching my fists, there're tiny shards in the cuts.. I could feel them.
"Oh fucking, I'll just bring my bag." She grabbed my wrist and dragged me to the restroom.
She let the faucet run, taking the handkerchiefs off my hands. She told me to have my wounds kept under the running water. I immediately yelped from the pain, it hurts so bad.. How will I be writing my notes?? I couldn't even close my hand halfway.. I'm so pathetic.
She sterilized her tweezers before using it to get the tiny shards out of the cuts. Why am I so clumsy? Why did this happen? Why did my anxiety come back? Why did I have to get hurt this badly at this time? I have no one! If Maki's busy then I don't have anyone..
After successfully taking all out the shards, she rinsed my wounds again before bringing me back to the infirmary. Ena and Maki was still there, and the school nurse finally came! She checked my cuts, hissing every time she saw them, bitch are you really a nurse? I look at my friends and they all looked away.
"You're lucky that you don't need stitches. I'll have them cleaned and.." I looked at her while she paused, she furrowed her brows and pushed her glasses back. "I'm a doctor, I'm only here to talk with my husband. Your nurse.." I nod immediately, glaring at my friends for not telling me.
She applied an oinment and bandaged it somehow just to cover them. We headed back to class and Honami carried my bag for me but she had to hand it to Ena when Yamamoto appeared. We let her speak to him, the mohawk seems to be worried about her.
We went inside the classroom, having Ena take out my notebook for first period. Maki gave me chocolate milk to calm myself down, to keep myself calm while he's beside me. This is going to be incredibly difficult. Suddenly Lev came with more chocolate milk, he just smiled brightly at me while he gave me a thumbs up.
Classes passed by quickly, and Maki informed our teachers about my hands. They pushed back every quiz-- can't believe they were considerate. I had Ena feed me while she ate, I only stayed in class because.. I wanted to see him, well, sense his presence for the very least. What's on his mind?
I was called for a meeting with the volleyball club, so I had to go with the girls. Either way, even if I headed to the council room I'd only be staring at the pieces of paper on my desk. Maki would cover for me as long as my hands are steal healing.
"Inter High will be next week, (Y/n) will you be able to come?" Nekomata-sensei asked, now everyone (except him) has their eyes on me.
"I'm currently useless to the team, I might not.." I answer in a quiet voice.
"Senpai please! Watch me block the spikers!" Hiro says and I smiled, seeing all the other first years smile and beg with their eyes.
"Don't force someone if they don't want to." He said.
I look at him, seeing him turn around and head to the basket to get a ball. He's cold, does he really still love me? Or was it a bluff? Was this a way of slowly getting away from me? Is he tired of us? It looks like it.. but he said, he still does.. and that he didn't change anything.
"Kenma-san, why is (Y/n)-san's contact name not a heart anymore? Your wallpaper's changed too!" Lev asks, making me turn to look at him. "Did you guys break up?"
I held on to my chest, clenching the fabric as I felt my chest tighten. My heart sunk, I can feel it pounding.. It's aching. He said he wouldn't change anything! He lied! Are we really over? Are we over? He said we're on break... No..
I look at him, seeing nothing but doubt in his eyes. I run outside as I started to cry, I feel lightheaded. I couldn't breathe. I'm suffocating.. We're really over! Is that true? Are we really? No.. He said.. what did he say again?
"It's only a nightmare and it'll stay that way." Liar.
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Please inform me if you prefer half-length than full-length chapters! Or if you'd prefer having updates every other day! Thank you for 3k! I love you all! <3