you hadn't seen or spoken to kylo in a week since he left you sopping and exhausted after your confession in his bathroom. the car ride back to your apartment was dull, no hand grazed idly over your thigh, no radio filled the walls to lure away the awkward silence, just the sniffles of your running nose due to the endless amount of suppressed tears you were holding in until you collapsed against your apartment door. back sliding with no fault, your knees bunched together at your chest, sobbing quietly into your lap. your jeans becoming soaked as you let the tears cascade out of your irises, his voice replaying over and over in your head.
"feelings? when did we agree to bringing our feelings into this?"
ricocheting through every nerve in your mind, setting your brain ablaze. no matter how hard you tried to push down the feeling of guilt and brokenness, you succumbed to the numbness and let out your cries for help. thinking about how he made cry when you were in his company, how he made you feel the butterflies fluttering in your stomach, the smell of his cologne on his pillow that eased you out of a state of restlessness. every memory of your brisk time together causing your heart to ache and tug at the strings. rey helped you up from the attachment your back was forming to the wooden door, she didn't need to ask why you were crying, your eyes spoke for you. sheltering you within the crook of her arm, she aided you onto your mattress, not bothering to undress you and put you into something comfier, you didn't have the energy for an outfit change. your body hit the springs, sinking and becoming limp at the first touch your skin made with the covers. curling yourself into a ball, your eyes still letting out the vast amount of your sole lasting emotion.
"i'll be right back"
her comforting words were the first you heard since you asked to leave his apartment. they provided you with a sense of normalcy that his husk voice wasn't the only sound permeating your eardrums, that there were voices of love and adoration for you. voices with feelings and meanings behind the words that were spoken.
leaving you alone with your thoughts for a couple of seconds, she reappeared, sliding under the covers next to you with her laptop, bottle of wine and the good ice cream you saved for moments of desperation. shifting over, you rested your head against her shoulder as she poured the wine into two glasses and handed you one. you didn't need to say anything, she found netlfix without question and stuck on the latest murder documentary that was keeping you up till dawn most nights binging.
"do you want to talk about it?"
she said in a hushed tone while slotting the cold metal spoon between your free fingers. you dug the utensil into the tub of triple chocolate cookie dough swirl, bringing it up into your mouth, letting the coldness sit on your tongue until melting point. you shook your head in response, not wanting to speak, fearing that if you started you wouldn't stop and that your tears would begin to overpower you once more. all you wanted was to stay like this forever. rey now cuddling your side, her head resting on top of yours, she filled up your glass every-time you finished, spoon feeding you ice cream until you were full to the brim. falling asleep to the serious tones of the documentary and reys heartbeat caressing the side of your temple with every intake of breath.
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you were nervous to see him at work, knowing that you would have to spend hours cooped up in the back room, altering his clothes, touching his body while still remembering the way he made yours feel. even though you detached yourself from him completely over the remains of your weekend, you couldn't silence the feelings you still held for him. hux could sense you weren't yourself while at the plaza, and instead of being a slither of what a decent human being would be , he made you work the floor for the entire midnight till 3 am shift, not letting you get the tips you solely needed for rent this month, if you were on stage.
you couldn't keep your mind on the way rose was describing her friday night either, mind zoning out and remembering the way he watched you the first time you both locked eyes on each other.
"yes and then i got with this girl at club lavo and we are meeting for coffee tomorrow! she has short brownish hair, hazel coloured eyes and guess what ?! she's british ! ugh such a dream!"
you snapped back into reality, you couldn't help but remember rey also talking and obsessing over a girl that she also met at the club. you were too fucked out of your mind to put the pieces together. rey and rose. no fucking way. while your life was falling apart because of an emotionally detached fridge of a man. your best friend and co worker found love in each other's arms.
"by any chance is this girl called rey?"
she choked on her coffee. looking astounded like you were able to read her mind.
"yes? how did you-?"
"she's my roommate and best friend!"
"oh my god ! what a small world we live in !"
you stood up, already feeling the tears that reeked of loneliness collecting on the brim of your eyes. heaving your duffle over one shoulder. you went to kiss her head and leave for the night, stomach in a pit of nerves to return back to work and see him tomorrow.
"oh and don't worry! she talks about you a lot too"
you gave her a quick glance and a wink back before shutting the door to the dressing room. allowing the droplets to finally fall over your cheeks, you went home.
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today was the day. you'd see him after a week of avoidance. you already wanted to call in sick for the eighth time, but poe was only lenient with you for a week. he didn't want to admit it but he had a soft spot for you, maybe because you kept mentioning finn in all your conversations, and adding small sharpie hearts to his coffee cup for him to finally make the first move. you got the love obsession from both sides. finn always asking you how poe was doing? if he was stressed? if he would be coming down for his regular latte at precisely lunchtime. and poe, who asked you if finn was working the midday shift and if you wanted a coffee as he was already going to go get one after you told him that indeed finn was working as you both spoke.
you reluctantly rose from your mattress. eight am. you had about half an hour to get ready; normally you'd put on another show for him, show him exactly what he was missing out on and what he would never get the chance to touch again. but you were drained, he had made you that way. not caring as much about your appearance, you shuffled around until finding a black pair of ripped jeans and a mens shirt from your closet. synching it in with a belt, you glanced at your pale exhausted face in the mirror. you couldn't help but look down at the oversized shirt that was loosely hanging around your upper body. even your own clothes started to remind you of him. the way that if it was his, it wouldn't be wearable to work due to how large it would look on your figure, the familiar smell of smoke entered your senses, his cologne running rampage in your nostrils. you changed. you wanted to become severely detached from anything he worked his way in to associate himself with. you settled for something of reys. an oversized tee, in a dark charcoal grey with a graphic print, some sci-fi film franchise that she was obsessed with plastered on the front. you used your belt that you unhooked from your jeans to create definition and suck in your ever-growing waistline due to the amount of comfort food you consumed that week. sure that you definitely weighed an extra few pounds. finishing off your laziness of an exterior with knee high boots and a bandana to cover the lack of showers you've been having, rey handed you a cup of coffee to go, kissed your cheek and placed your tote on your shoulder for you.
"you got this! don't worry! just picture him naked?"
"really.... that wouldn't help me move on rey. but nice try"
you grabbed the door handle, let out a small sigh before leaving the comfort of your cave that you'd been dwelling in for the past week in exact avoidance of this very moment.
"good luck!"
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you got into the studio right on time, poe already making his way over to your desk to give you your daily tasks, knowing that a meeting with ren would definitely be on the cards. his hand slide across your desk before resting himself on the edge of the table.
"feeling better?"
he seemed caring, a sort of sympathetic look washed over his face.
"yes much! sorry it won't happen again. anyways let me have it! what's on my list of dread today?"
"well, the hair and beauty girls wanted to use you as practice, they have a fashion show this weekend and the model has similar bone structure and hair texture as you, she can't make it in, another photoshoot. a few bits of paperwork regarding ren's cost of the custom suit and then the rest of the afternoon is yours my dear!"
your heart and face sensed hesitancy. where was the meeting with him? you felt relived that you didn't have to spend your afternoon looking like trash while in his presence but a small glimmer in your heart ached for his eyes to finally meet yours again.
"no meeting with the man himself today then?"
"oh, no. he called to cancel, something about a last minute business trip"
was he lying in order to cancel his appointment with you? did he also have fear and dread about coming into contact with you again as well? whatever he was doing, it made you feel like it was entirely your fault. that your immaturity halted his work, that your neediness and want for more than a casual hookup was causing strain on his life. you shook off your thoughts. no. he was the one that wasn't clear with you from the beginning. toying with your emotions. fucking you raw and leaving you helpless. making any bad dream you woke up from more painful at the fact that he was the only thing on your mind. the only thing you wanted to be comforted by. he ruined you, mentally and physically. he deserved to keep his distance, you had no time for apologies, no time for fucking up your dream job over dick.
your day was draining. leaving the office with a complete new hairdo, two french braids that draped past your boobs due to the copious amounts of extensions that were placed in your hair for testing. tied with black ribbons on either side. your face completely beat. winged eyeliner, blusher, rouge lip liner and matte lipstick. you looked like a fucking twelve year olds pinterest board. but it did fill you with confidence at the odd stare you got on the subway while making your way home.
you were greeted with a furniture truck parked outside your apartment building, finding it odd that it was nearly eight pm and someone was getting furnishings delivered now. maybe someone was moving out? hopefully number twenty-eight who played nothing but bob marley on repeat at five am while taking their morning shower. fingers crossed.
you were shocked to see your apartment door open, glancing down at your phone, it was already two hours into reys shift. before you could grab your pepper spray, a man dressed in a work uniform reappeared into the hallway.
"you're the other roommate in twenty-seven correct?"
"uh, yes?"
confused at what you must have drunkedly ordered in the week, that you would definitely be returning due to the lack of funds in order to pay it off.
"your roommate let me in. its all set up, i just need your signature"
he handed you the clipboard and a pen and pointed at where to sign, mouth a jar and eyebrows burrowed together, you silently scribbled your initials on the dotted line and handed him the sheet of paper back.
"great thanks! have a good evening!"
"uh, you too?"
running into the apartment to see what in the fuck he 'set up', you saw that your bedroom door was open. it was never left open when leaving for work. not after rey had an afternoon drunk orgy in there after confusing your door for hers. you shuddered at the memories of that awkward encounter. you crept your head round the beam, eyes widening at what you were met with.
a four poster bed; the wood completely black, nearly reaching the height of your ceiling. you couldn't believe your eyes. surely not. it couldn't have been. you walked in to get a better look at what was neatly made in front of you, analysing the perimeter, you hardly noticed the card that was waiting patiently to be opened on the edge of the bed. your fingers met the paper, automatically gazing at the way your name was written. it was his handwriting. you didn't wait, tearing it open and letting your eyes run wild on the paper.
consider this an apology. a week is too long. let me make it up to you? i promise
ky.
you knew how much he hated it when you called him that. when you lessened his name to just one vowel. maybe he was truly sorry? he bought you an expensive bed for fuck sake. your mind running through the options you had. rip up the card, burn the card or text him. you chose option three. you couldn't disagree with him, a week had been too long. you wanted to see him, you need to. picking up your phone, you found his number and began to text.
thank you for the generous apology, and it's a yes to your question
you finger hit deliver. not even a second went by before it was labelled as read. the familiar three grey dots began to appear before a text was thrown back to you.
excellent, see you tomorrow, now get some proper rest for once, you're going to need it angel
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hi hiiiii ! ahh chapter 14 of messy sketchbooks, what in the fuck?!?! and 3K reads, consider this rat extremely happy and loved !
thank you so so much for all your kind messages, i honestly love seeing all your comments on the chapters !
love and adore you all so so much !
amelia
x x