T E E T H C O V E R E D I N R E D
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A U G U S T 1 9 , 1 9 9 8
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K E L C A P O V
I didn't think it would end like this.. with darkness and hate and crying and cloudy skies. I didn't think it would end with me in his arms, caressing his face with just fear enveloping me.
At that moment it didn't matter what he had done because I knew I loved him... and that one day he'd love me too, in the exact way I loved him. And that on that day, in a different lifetime, that I'd see him again. And I'd know he was the one..
There was no going back and fixing things. And now there's no doing anything.. there's just hoping that one day I'll be in his arms again, and the circumstances will be better..
We will be able to love each other then..
And sure it hurt, I mean as soon as I woke up at the hospital it was immediate, I just started bawling into Jack's chest. It hurt so bad... it hurt so bad knowing everything I predicted was right.
But one day... one day that'll all be gone and it'll just be us, different bodies different minds but not different spirits. We will be together again.. I know it.
Love is a never ending cycle between the same souls and I know we love each other, it just went wrong this time. And it's 1998 right now... so in maybe 2020 I'll meet him again and love him...
It will always be our souls, not Koas and not Jack's... me and Royces forever falling for each other until it all goes black.
And black just hit me in this life... but not the next.
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A U G U S T 1 8 , 1 9 9 8 (A DAY EARLIER)
R O Y C E P O V
I shove the pieces of the Polaroid back into my wallet, hoping to god that she's okay.
Jack said she got out of the hospital today...
She got a concussion and the gashes on her back made it hard for her to move, but they couldn't find anything else that was wrong..
Jack didn't say much else to me when he came back, he just opened my door and yelled that she was okay.
He didn't say where she is or where she was going, but it didn't matter at that point when all that was circulating through me was relief.
I left my apartment, the lights off and the vibes completely turned over. Everything here was the opposite.
It wasn't sunny, clouds were all over the sky and the entire place was cold.. so cold and sad..
I wanted normal Glow Fields back.. I wanted how it looked when Kelca was happy, with the sun up and the purple skies shining and everybody laughing along the pier.
But I've gone back to the pier since then, so many colors and materials are all over the place, and Kelca's old store is shattered into pieces.. and her parents are nowhere to be found...
They're gone.
I walk down the sidewalk, my hands in my pockets and the one jacket I own wrapped around me. I jump into my pickup truck, her smell still radiating off of the passenger seat.
"Please..." I mumble to myself as I drive down the road. I know she's okay, but I don't know where she is, so I go to Jake's house first. I know her mom would be there, even if she knew everything I've done.. thats okay. I just hope she tells me where Kelca is..
I can only hope at this point.. after what I said to Kel.
I'm a monster..
Soon enough I make it to the mansions on the left side of town, the only side of this town that's happy right now. They were barely missed by the hurricane since we were on the outside... it was just bad because we were near the coast and the waves were too strong.
I jump out of my car and run up to his door, knocking repeatedly. Over and over and over like it was my last chance to see her. My last way to find her.
"Hello dear," I hear Kelca's mom say as she opens the door slowly, "I told you not to open it!" He screams from the kitchen, running back towards us and growling.
"Get him out of here."
"Well he came here for a reason let him explain! What dear?" She asks and I sigh, looking around as tears surface my eyes.
Everybody hates me and god do I deserve it.
"Do you know what I did?" I ask and she shakes her head, "yeah I probably shouldn't be talking to you unless she'd kill me.. but no I do not because she didn't want to slander your name in a rude way. But based off of her emotions in itself I know you messed up bad and just want to give you a good sucker punch."
"Ma'am can you please tell me where Kelca is?" I am and she sighs, opening her mouth to say something but Jack cuts her off.
"Look I do know what he did, I was there the moment she fucking woke up and started bawling about how bad everything hurt, how bad her fucking heart hurt. This fool shouldn't be here or never be near her again-"
My eyebrows furrow, as I push the door all the way open and run towards him, grabbing the collar of his shit and pushing him against the wall.
"Look you never get to fucking say anything about me or anything about her because I fucking LOVE HER!" I scream, tightening my grip as my nose twitches.
"At least I'm fucking doing something about it because I'll fucking spend the rest of my life trying to get her back while you prey on her being distraught because you're a fucking volture and have always wanted to take what's mine-"
"She's not and never was yours Royce! She's fucking sad and I'm housing her because you took everything from her! Without you she wouldn't be in two casts and bandages."
"I'm fucking trying! I love her way more than you ever will and I'm not gonna fucking stop!" I scream, twisting my head over to Mrs Kellinoals while she laughs.
"Y'know let go of sweet Jack, me and Kel know he's gonna try to get with her and she's gonna reject him, we are leaving in 24 hours and taking the money with us because we're winning the lawsuit against Trevor.
Now both of you calm down and you, Royce I swear if you hurt my baby again we are never coming back but she went down to the coast to look around before we leave. Please... just give her something to make her feel better.."
And she slowly walks up the stairs, her brown wavy hair hanging lowly and her back.
I run.. run as fast as I can to my car and press as hard as possible on the speed pedal while I ride the empty roads to the coast.
I jump out, my door left open, but she's just sitting, sitting on the bench that's barely holding on.. the bench we met.
It's only holding up because it was encased in cement at the bottoms.
Her hair was slightly damp, but it was wavy and brushed out, flipped over the right side of her face.
"Kelca!" I scream, and her head turns over, her eyebrows furrowed and her eyes sad. "How did you know.." she mumbles sadly, starting to gather her stuff off of the bench as she stands up, but I push her lightly back down, standing in front of her.
"Please...I know I fucked up and I don't expect forgiveness of any kind... but I just want you to know how sorry I am... I- I didn't mean anything I said at the apartment! I don't know if you know this but I used to date Koa in sophomore year and she broke my heart by cheating on me with Seb.. and I didn't forgive her so I completely understand you but... I dated her because I was sad and abused and she didn't ask questions about my life she was just like me... she just wanted to live. You... you were so different.. you cared so much about me and how I felt and to make sure I was okay all the time.. in hindsight I should've worried about you more.. I mean I caused you to be in so much pain for today tomorrow and the days to come for so many different reasons... but.. what I'm trying to say is that you were the girl I wanted, you were the girl I needed, you were the girl that will always be stuck in the corner of my thoughts like a tumor no matter what happens.. and with you I could finally forget about Koa and everything that was hurting me. I spiraled without you. I laid in an empty bed for the first day you were gone and just wished that that bed smelt like you and not Koa.. I wished I never kissed Koas temple and I never held her and I never did any of the things I did with her while we were talking. Because for the ten minutes where it was just you and me at the top of the Ferris wheel I knew you were the one and I needed to stop... So I held onto that stupid fucking adorable stuffed animal that had a tiny bit of you left on it and just cried. I cried the entire first night because I couldn't handle what I had done to you and I hadn't even got to the worst of it yet..."
"I had expected you to be back the next day, Kel. And then I could I fix everything. But you weren't. I waited outside the store for a while just watching to see if I could see anybody inside. That was most of the day. Then I went home, didn't speak to the girls and cried again. I boarded up my windows at three am because I couldn't sleep and then finally passed out at dawn. I waited another day. And finally I woke up on the day of the hurricane in the arms of Koa, who I had successfully avoided throughout the entire thing. But the second I looked at her I just.. I wanted to feel whole because the one thing I loved the most was gone and I.. I thought you were gone Kel... and I broke my promise Bc you fucking knew it because you loved me more than I ever deserved. And I hurt you and I made that mistake but I won't live without you knowing that I'll regret it everyday of my life.. and that it was all only because I wanted the one thing happy in my life back. I was so.. so empty without you living my life everyday like I wasn't gonna have the next when really I couldnt remember those days. I mean god without you I was never happy... but it was like a meteor and boom you just fell into my arms. And there went my first smile in a few weeks, right on my face just because of you. And I'm not sure if that will ever be enough evidence that I love you and won't stop, I don't know if I'll ever get any. All I have is my truth and that's not very reliable based off of what I've done. I just.. I know your leaving and I needed you to know..."
And after that speech I just slide down the edge of the chair landing straight in sand and sighing..
"I miss you loving me.. and of course that's not your fault but I just miss it.." I mumble, my adhd taking hold and making my fingers run through the sand...
Kel just stares forward into the currently murky water and takes deep breaths.
She lightly grazes my hand before grabbing onto my pinky and ring fingers and sliding down.. she looks me in my eyes with her desperate brown ones and she just starts bawling.. "Why can't you love me like you used to?"
It broke me seeing the way she's affected by me.. what I did and the decisions I voluntarily chose to make.
"I do... I just wish I spent more time making you happy instead of sad... because I don't love right... I don't trust myself, and god I made the mistake of not trusting you after I knew I could even though you did everything for me... you sacrificed so much for me... and I couldn't handle four days without you.."
"I can't get it out of my head... I keep having nightmares of it... I can't sleep I can't eat and I can't heal because all I can think of is you fucking Koa... it bruised me way more than my dad or more than any of the bullies from school... it hurts me every day and I can't stop!! I just wanna be happy.. I wish I were Koa... Royce. I wanna be Koa..."
And those words hurt... hurt more than ever because She shouldn't want to be Koa... she wants to be Koa because she thinks I love Koa.... and it disgusts me. I love her.. and I don't know if she'll ever believe it.
I grab onto her head and push her into my chest, holding her close as my tears silently fall against her hair and my hands are shaking lightly.
"I'm so sorry..."
She doesn't answer.
"I still love you" she mumbles, but she coughs and slowly pulls back with pure fear as she slowly coughs more..
Her hands get lightly spritzed with bright bright red blood. I grab her hand and rub it on my shirt, cleaning them off before looking at her as she holds back a cough, but blood goes to the corner of her lips and slowly drips out.
What...
No..
No no no no no not again.. she's not hurt she can't be.. she was supposed to be okay.
A tear slips out of my right eyes as I brush my fingers through her hair and hold onto her hand.
"Kel... kel the doctors said you were fine... you're supposed to be fine... kel?!" I ask as she looks at me, she couldn't say anything as pure fear over took her eyes. She tries to wipe the blood as she gets on her hands and knees and coughs it up onto the concrete... there was so much..
More than a teaspoon is a medical emergency and that was at least one.
I pull her hair back and turn her head towards me, "You're gonna be okay I'll get you to the hospital... it'll all be okay."
I pick her up and start running the same direction I did last time.
There has to be police around here.... I can't lose her again..
I cant feel that pain I felt before her..
I'm so scared of it.
I haven't felt it in so long. That cloud over me knowing I'm alone... and I'm so scared.
Not just scared of that feeling... but scared because that means something happened to her... because at least if she was alive I'd still be happy because I know she is..
But I'm so scared of losing her... I can't....
Yesterday it felt like I committed murder but also killed myself... I felt like the blood she shed was my own and that I needed to do anything I could to stop it...
"Stop.." I hear her barely mumble, red is all over her and my shirt.. spread out unevenly and terrifyingly..
"No!" I scream, my eyes watery. I can't have this happen.. so cant go back to before her.
She's supposed to be okay... why is my heart beating so fast and why is my gut telling me not to stop..?
But she grabs my upper arm weakly and I look at her, slowly falling down to my knees and holding her as close to me as possible.
"I just wanna.. I just wanna go home and snuggle.. I want.." she closes her eyes for a second before cough I guess up more blood all over her hands.
"I- uh.. I just.. I love you Royce.."
I can't muster anything out, I can't stop crying.
"I don't wanna die.." she mumbles and I shake my head, "you won't.. I got you right here okay? I got you. I got you baby.... I promise I won't let you die. It's just a little blood, that's all.."
But I didn't know if I was telling the truth, all I could do was think of losing her and not of what to do or how to help.
It was just pain seeping through me like a leaky faucet. No not like a leaking faucet more like a running one.
"I don't wanna lose you, Royce... I know I was angry but I just... I love you... I don't want to be alone again- I'm gonna be alone- I'm gonna be nothing anymore! I never got to live!"
"You won't be. I'm right here I'm right next to you."
"No... you won't be.. you won't be next to me." she mumbles, before flipping over as I watch the dark dark red fluid drip out of her mouth and pool at my thigh.
"I was.. I was gonna be Kelca Jewwly right?" She asks and I nod, licking my lips.
"You we're gonna be all mine, forever and always... I promise... I even got you a ring... I got you a ring and it's so pretty I promise... it's so pretty and you are gonna look so good in a wedding dress. I mean you're always so pretty so how could you not?" I ask and she blinks a few times uncontrollably.
"I love you Royce.." she says, before slowly lifting up the corners of her lips and giving me big smile, her teeth covered in a red film and her face scared and sad.
"Please be happy now.."
She smiled for me because she knew I loved her smile....
"I don't want you to go, Kel... I have so much left to do and say.. please don't leave me.. please..."
Her weak hand shakes as it comes up to caress my face, her thumb playing with my lips while her other fingers scratch my scalp lightly.
"I know I'll see you again, Royce... just please... please love me next time?"
That was it, it felt like slow motion when her hand slowly went down to her chest, her eyes going blank and her face going plain and emotionless.
I knew it was coming but I wasn't prepared as my eyes go wide. I shake her, over and over but she won't answer. "I do!" I scream. "I do! I do love you I love you! Please come back! Hear me say it- please!" I cry, but she doesn't.
I grab onto her and hold her close, bawling and screaming.
her eyes were lifeless.
But everything was lifeless... not just her..
And their was no rain but her face was soaked in my tears, there was nothing anywhere except sadness.
This place wasn't what it used to be because with her in my arms all I felt was my stomach churning and screaming please be alive..
I grabbed her scabbed back and pulled her close, hugging her as hard as I could, "You'll be okay you'll be okay... I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you... please.."
"I love you!" I cry one more time as it all comes out, I say on the concrete, rocking myself with her in my arms. My head stuffed in the cavity between her neck and her shoulder but her head falls to the left quickly, her body limp.
"No no no no.." I cry putting her down on the ground and fixing her neck straight, laying down next to her as she lays flat.
I lay on my side, "it's gonna be okay... it'll all be okay.."
My fingers run through her hair and search her face for a sign of anything.
It'll all be ok... I promised her....
It can't end like this...
It can't end with her thinking I'm a monster... and I know she said she loved me but I never got to make it up to her or show her... I never got to do so many things...
I never...
I never got to say I love you.
She died and didn't know how I felt...
I didn't get to do anything with her when... it was all just me being disgusting and stupid and not admitting that I fell in love the day we met.
I wish I could go back...
Because then it wouldn't end like this.