A/N: Ummm... Y'all... (insert eyeball emoji here)
It was very weird but after that two and a half hour plane ride, you could honestly say that you now considered some of the Knights your friends.
Not only was it weird because they had already seen you in a very compromised position at the club. But also, because they were the fucking Knights of Ren. Before you'd actually spoken to them, you heard a lot of stories that painted them out to be hedonistic monsters. And maybe they were.
But when Vicrul had played a game of cards with you just to get your mind off of things or when Ushar had willingly chugged half the bottle of liquor just because it was making you laugh, you started to wonder if there was anyone out there that was purely evil. Everyone you thought might be, had been recently proving you wrong.
You had thought the same thing about Kylo and now here was, agreeing to stay the night at your apartment just because you told him you didn't want to sleep alone.
Of course, he was fucking you too. But that was a give in.
Kylo was all pent up, he had been a few steps away from fucking you multiple times that day and he was ready to go the second you two were alone. The two of you had started out in the kitchen, that was the room closest to the front door of your apartment. He had picked you up and put you on the marble countertop the instant that you shut the door behind you.
But you were so tired from everything that had happened earlier and you wanted to be comfortable. Surprisingly, when you asked him to carry you to your bed, he obliged. As sick as it was, he loved when you were weak for him.
Now you were laying on your back against your familiar blankets with a growingly familiar man on top of you. Compared to how you had felt back at the club and even when you had been on the plane, you now felt like you were in a daydream. It obviously helped your mood too that you were so attracted to Kylo and he was currently fucking the shit out of you.
He had your arms above your head, holding both of your hands down easily with just one of his while he thrusted inside of you. He was going slower than normal, he was taking his time and enjoying himself.
You moaned underneath him, your hands twitching under his grip. "Let me touch you." You sighed. He looked so beautiful, you wanted to run your fingers through his hair, over his scars.
"Not yet." He said, panting as he tightened his hand on your wrists as if to show how serious he was. "I want you desperate."
You made a noise of frustration, "I am desperate." You argued with him. You hooked a leg around his waist to pull him down closer on top of you.
Kylo groaned at the sound of that, a grin lazily on his face. "You are, aren't you?" He teased you. "My desperate, needy girl. Aw, you wanna touch me so bad, don't you?" He cooed, mockingly.
You dug the heel of your foot into his back where you had your leg wrapped around in response to him, trying again to move your hands.
Instead of loosening his grip, Kylo moved his free hand to your leg and brought it up so that it was resting on his shoulder. He paused at first so that you both could adjust yourselves in this new position and then he let himself roll his hips towards you. You both gasped out loud. He was so much deeper inside of you.
You two locked eyes with each other with surprised satisfaction on your faces. "Oh my god." You whined, biting your lip at the feeling. It was slightly painful but it felt so good, you felt so close to him.
"Look at you." Kylo said breathlessly, moving his hips in a painstakingly slow motion. His gaze broke from yours so that he could look down at the way his cock was entirely buried inside of you. "Oh, fuck. I'm all the way inside of you, princess, you're taking all of me. I feel like I'm gonna split this perfect fucking body in half." He was practically whining himself, watching the way it looked for him to move in and out of you, going in so far.
That made you moan out loud. He was moving so slowly, enjoying the way he felt just to be so deeply inside of you. It was driving you crazy. "You're so big, Kylo, it feels so good."
Kylo couldn't help himself, he started moving quicker at those words but still way too slow for your liking. "Yeah, you like taking all of daddy's big cock, don't you? Good girls like you get to have the whole thing." He wasn't touching you anywhere but where he had your hands held above your head, on purpose. He really loved seeing you become a whining mess underneath him.
You groaned in frustration. "Please just let me touch you."
He didn't loosen his grip.
You tried to think of what would really get him, you knew how to push his buttons now.
You looked up at him with puppy dog eyes, pouting out your bottom lip. "I've been such a good girl for you tonight... I'm daddy's good girl."
A darkness fell over his face. God, you were perfect.
"Daddy's good slut." He corrected you. Kylo reached his hand down that had been holding your leg in place on his shoulder, to your mouth where he stuck two fingers inside. His hips were moving closer to a normal speed now, giving you a little reward for being so dirty with him.
"You killed someone for me tonight, princess." He chuckled at that, his own groan cutting off his laughter, "You knew just what to do, you're so fucking smart. You make me so proud."
Hearing him give you a genuine compliment mixed in with all of the teasing caused you to close your mouth around his fingers, sucking on him, wanting to show him how much you appreciated it even if you weren't able to speak right now.
"You could've let him kill me...You probably should've." His thrusts were happening fast now, doing just what you wanted as he pressed your tongue down into your mouth. You moaned gratefully, although he was still holding your wrists hostage at least he was going at the pace you wanted.
"But you just can't help yourself...You needed me here so I could do this to you, so I could fuck you just the way you like it. You're such a slut. Daddy's dirty little slut." He bent down so that he could pull your jaw down with the fingers in your mouth, opening it.
Then, locking eyes with you, Kylo spit in your mouth. You widened your eyes in surprise and he grabbed your chin to close your mouth for you. "Yeah, fuck, swallow it, princess." He slapped your cheek lightly, leaving your own saliva behind on your skin all while still pumping you deep and fast.
When he heard you moan at the impact, he smirked and slapped you on the same spot on your face, not hard enough to make any sort of noise but enough for you just barely feel the sting.
Your eyes rolled in the back of your head, moaning loudly. It was too much, you weren't going to last long if he kept treating you like this.
Feeling your walls start to tighten, Kylo knew you were getting there. "No,no,no,not yet. Not until daddy says so." He warned you. Finally, after all of your pleading, he released your hands from above your head. You instantly went to reach up for him but he stopped you, giving you a look.
"On your stomach." He ordered you, pulling out slowly so that you could move and despite yourself you scrambled to get into the position that he wanted you. "Yeah," Kylo approved once you did it, "Stick that pretty ass up in the air for me. Just like that." He coached you, smacking the ass cheek that looked slightly less red from the night's earlier activities.
You groaned in frustration at him, desperate again for him to be inside you as you got onto your hands and knees.
He took his cock into his hands and guided it along your folds, just rubbing you with the head of it to tease you. "You're fucking soaked...You have the wettest, tightest pussy I've ever seen. And it's all mine." Kylo told you in a strained voice, finding it hard to even tease you when he wanted you so badly as well.
You arched your back more, trying to move your hips so that you could get him inside of you.
Kylo grit his teeth at the sight of that, he liked it. "Fuck. Yes, do that. Sit back on my cock." He was concentrated as he held himself in his hand, holding steady as you wiggled your hips, backing up against him. He easily slid inside of you, you were so wet for him.
The both of you moaned loudly at the feeling of it. Kylo didn't move, instead he grabbed one of your ass cheeks and squeezed it to guide you up and down on him. "Ride me just like this, princess." He grunted.
You could hardly hear him say, over the sound of your moans, "Yeah, just like that, fucking take it."
You continued your motions against him, his hand still on your ass to guide you. With the way that you were positioned, he was hitting you in all the right places. He was deeper than normal because of how much he'd been able to relax and stretch you out when you had your leg above your head and it felt so good.
Your moan came out like a whine, grasping at your sheets. You moved down so that you were able to lay your chest against the mattress, while keeping your ass up in the air instead of putting your weight on your hands. This caused him to be able to move in even deeper, your back as arched as much as possible.
"Fuuuuuck." You gasped, your voice wavering each time your ass made impact against his hips.
Kylo started meeting your movements now, thrusting his hips in perfect rhythm with yours. He stared at the way his cock looked moving in and out of you, watching how your pussy completely enveloped him. He grabbed a handful of your hair with one hand, pulling on it so that your head was titled back.
Kylo moved his other hand so that he could put three of his fingers in your mouth. He used his grip on your hair and fingers in your mouth to hold your head in place while he started fucking you mercilessly, so fast and deep.
You were a mess, drooling all over yourself and practically screaming with how loud that you were moaning. You were going to cum soon, this was all too much. You hated to admit but you loved feeling like this with him, like such a whore.
"Do you deserve to cum, slut?" Kylo asked you with a shaky voice as he continued pumping you quickly.
You nodded instantly, making a noise of 'yes'.
"I don't know if I believe you." He groaned. He wasn't sure how he still had it in him to tease you, he was getting so close himself. He had been cock blocked all day and it felt so good to just destroy you after all of it.
You wanted to cry, you whimpered against his fingers in your mouth. You weren't able to talk because of your mouth being full but you wondered if you'd even be able to form words anyways. You didn't even realize a few tears of frustration leaving your eyes.
Kylo felt the tears brush against his finger tips and he looked down at you in concern. "Are you okay?" He asked, removing his fingers from your mouth so you could respond. He didn't think he had been that rough with you.
You moaned and nodded, you were definitely okay, "Please, I just wanna cum, daddy." You told him, ignoring the pain of his hand in your hair as you looked back at him with pleading eyes.
"Oh." Kylo gasped at that. Seeing you with tears in your eyes, drooling and and begging was like heaven to him. He used his hand that was in your hair to push your head down into the bed, face first. He let go and grabbed both of your hips, taking control and moving you up and down on his cock, hitting you everywhere that you needed it.
"You deserve it, princess, you've been so fucking good today." Kylo told you, his finger tips digging into your skin. "Cum for me, I need to feel it, need to feel that perfect fucking pussy squeeze me."
You felt your muscles tighten with each stroke he made inside of you. The pressure of the feeling building up made you tense underneath him. Your moans were muffled against the bed your face was being pushed into as you felt that release hit you, making your entire body tingle and buzz in pleasure.
Kylo continued to fuck you through your orgasm, loving how tight it made you feel and the noises that you were making. "Yeah, good girl...my good girl." He cooed at you, not slowing down his motions even when you practically collapsed against the bed, coming down from your high.
You were able to push yourself up enough so that your face wasn't buried on your blanket but you were trembling from the strength it had taken to do that in the position you were in.
"I want you to swallow my cum, princess. I want you to taste me, wanna fill you up with it." At this words, he pulled out from you causing you to shiver at the loss of contact. He started stroking himself to keep the same feeling while putting his hand on your thigh to help you roll around onto your back.
"Sit up for me." He instructed you, touching himself. You shakily moved onto your knees so that you were able to bend your head down and be level with his dick. You were out of it after how hard you just came but you knew what to do.
"Yes, daddy." You breathed causing him to hiss under his breath in approval. You lowered your mouth so that you could take him inside of it, sniffling when you felt him put a hand on the back of your head to hold you in place.
"Let me fuck your mouth." Kylo grunted, rocking his hips and keeping you in the same spot so that he could essentially use you.
You whimpered when you gagged at how far he was in your throat but you were so relaxed that the feeling passed after you adjusted to it. "Good girl." He praised you. "My perfect little girl."
Kylo started moving his hips as quick as he had been when he was actually fucking you, a feverish speed to match how badly he wanted you. You loved this feeling, knowing how good you were making him feel, how proud he was of you.
He thought back to how you hadn't even thought twice earlier when you shot that man for him. Kylo felt this surge in his heart as he looked down at you, practically choking on him. You really were his perfect little girl, you did everything he needed you to do.
At that thought, making eye contact with you, he faltered in his movements. "I'm gonna cum, princess, I want you to swallow it, every last drop." Kylo groaned, biting his lip in concentration to keep from finishing in the middle of his sentence.
You nodded eagerly, wanting to do that for him. You'd do anything for him in that moment.
Kylo kept his eyes on you as he growled loudly, burying his cock even farther down your throat as he spilled his seed down it as well. "Oh god, oh yeah, fuck." He muttered, talking nonsense.
You froze, scared for a moment that you wouldn't be able to handle it but as you locked your eyes with him and saw how adoringly he was looking down at you, you forced yourself to swallow all of it down, not even gagging.
Kylo could hardly breathe but he smirked brightly down at you, impressed that you had been able to handle all of it.
After a moment of just staying exactly where you were, out of exhaustion, the two of you broke away and collapsed onto the bed in a comfortable laying position next to each other.
There was a few long minutes of silence as you two tried to collect yourselves.
Then, "You never even let me touch you." You realized, breathlessly. You looked over at him with a pout on your face.
Kylo smirked at that and then grabbed you, pulling you close so that your head was against his chest. "You can touch me now, princess."
"Wow, thanks." You rolled your eyes but obliged, putting a hand on his chest while you looked up and pressed your lips against his. You pulled away just enough to look at him close up. God, he was infuriatingly beautiful.
As you two laid there catching your breath, you sighed when you heard your phone ring. You knew who it was, Hux had been trying to get a hold of you all day. You hadn't exactly been in the right position to answer it...
You weren't even sure how it had gotten in the room with you but then you remembered that Kylo hadn't even let you take your purse off of your shoulder when he carried you into the room. He had tossed your purse on the bed when he undressed you and now your phone was laying right side up on the mattress.
Kylo's eyes went to your phone screen, making a disgusted face at the name that was displayed. 'Armie'. He didn't like thinking about the fact that the two of you might share things like nicknames for each other.
Kylo was jealous.
You gave him a sympathetic look but reached for your phone. "Sorry, I should answer this. He's been trying to get a hold of me since we got to that club."
Kylo watched you grab your phone and get off of the bed. You reached for a robe that was hanging in your closet and put it on while you walked into the next room so he wasn't forced to listen to the conversation.
He felt like reality had just smacked him in the face. You weren't his girl. You were his enemy's. And the two of you had nicknames for each other and memories and over a year of familiarity with each other...he wondered how many times Hux has fucked you, maybe you even made the same noises for him as you did for Kylo...The possibility of you calling Hux daddy instead of him made him crazy.
Kylo moved his jaw in frustration at that. What was he getting himself into with you? You could never be together as long as you were still with Hux.
He heard your voice softly from the next room and he couldn't help himself. He walked over to the door, leaning against the wall to its side so that he could hear what you were saying. Kylo had never really heard the two of you interact with each other when you weren't in public and he was curious to see what you were like. Were you different with Hux than you were with him?
"I've been calling you all day." Hux said on the other line. His tone was just as worried as it was irritated. You understood, if he had been ignoring you, you wouldn't be happy either.
"I know, I'm sorry." You frowned. You were absentmindedly pacing around your living room, just like you did almost every time that you were on the phone. "I accidentally packed my phone into my luggage and I couldn't find it. And then I took a nap and it just slipped my mind." You explained to him. You had told him that you were going on a trip with one of your college classes, to visit an art gallery a few hours away. That way if he somehow heard you'd been away for a few days, you had a good excuse.
Hux sighed and you could almost just see him pinching his nose in annoyance. "It's alright, honey." He told you. Even if it wasn't 'alright' you doubted that he'd say anything. "How was the trip? It's so late, I'm surprised you're awake," He then said, changing the subject.
You bit your lip, you knew you were going to have to lie to him but that didn't mean you were going to enjoy it. "It was fine. Lot's of...well, art." You told him, "I'm glad to be home." When you said this, Kylo shifted slightly. He understood how badly you'd wanted to be back here, he knew it was partly his fault for the situation he had forced you to witness.
"I can't wait to come home." Hux said, almost in relief that he had been able to say it out loud. Any time that he went on a trip alone with Snoke it meant that he was going to be stressed the entire time. "I should be back in the afternoon. I'll come see you. Maybe we can get take out and stay at your place." He seemed so excited, it made you feel guilty, your body was still buzzing from what you and Kylo had just done.
"Yeah," You said breathlessly, pausing the way you were pacing for a moment to let it sink in that he would be standing in front of you in that same spot in less than a day. You weren't sure if you'd be able to hold it together. "There's that movie I wanted to watch...you know, the one about space...we could try to watch that."
Kylo heard that and shut his eyes at the feeling in his chest. He pictured you and Hux watching a movie together, wrapped up in each other on your couch. He hated it.
"Yeah, that sounds good." Hux said, his tone was much lighter now than it had been when you had first answered. "I'm not picking the movie anymore, considering what happened last time." He told you. Last time you let him pick one it turned into a legit porno halfway through, not even a good one at that.
You laughed out loud at the memory, making Kylo wince as he heard it, how genuine it was. It sounded that same way when the two of you had been at dinner, on his first date. He didn't like thinking of the memory considering the current situation.
When the two characters in the movie started actually having sex with each other, Hux's face had gotten so red, you remembered. It had been hilarious for you. "I don't know, I kind of liked that one." You joked.
Hux felt himself smiling as he heard you laugh, he hadn't heard that in a while. "God, I miss you." He admitted, then there was some noise in the background, "Shit, okay, I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow though, okay?"
"Sure." You agreed in a quiet voice. You felt terrible.
Hux paused then, "I love you."
You took in a deep breath, "I love you too." You had to force yourself to say it before you hung up. It was far from the first time you said it to each other but it didn't happen often. You never meant it, you wondered if he knew that.
Hearing those words leave your lips caused Kylo to exhale sharply. Wow, that had really made him feel like shit. The way you spoke to Hux was so much different than the way you spoke to him. When you talked with him, you were always trying to get the upper hand, trying to make sure that he wasn't going to hurt you, your guard was always up. You seemed relaxed while you were speaking to Hux.
Kylo realized how much he put you on edge and it made him feel guilty. A strange feeling, he had really only felt it towards you.
He moved away from the door and settled back onto your bed silently, not wanting you to know that he had been eavesdropping. He loved to tell himself that he owned you and that you were his and maybe those things were true. But in the grand scheme of things, he was such a new, small part of your life. Kylo was suddenly upset with himself for not realizing it sooner. Why was he letting himself become soft for you?
You walked back into your bedroom and took your robe off, tossing it onto one of your chairs. "Let's shower. I feel disgusting." You said. You had done a lot today and almost all of it had been dirty. Murdering, fucking, and...whatever the hell you had done with the Knights. Lying to Hux hadn't exactly felt clean either.
He agreed, getting off of the bed and following you. Maybe he could wash this uneasiness away.
Soon, the two of you were both in the comfort of the warm shower. Your time alone together was coming to an end and you both knew it, that phone call had reminded the both of you. The feeling in the air was heavy.
Kylo grabbed your shampoo and started washing your hair, wanting a distraction.
You let him.
You were spaced out, staring at the tiles across from you, melting into the way that Kylo's fingers were massaging against your scalp. You weren't sure what you felt in that moment. You were exhausted but you were also so sad. Tomorrow Hux and Snoke would be back home.
"What happens now?" You asked him in a wistful voice.
Kylo paused his movements in your hair as he realized what you were asking. Then he gently nudged you towards the stream of water, telling you to rinse the soap out.
He wasn't sure. He usually had all of the answers but right now he didn't.
He watched you, the way that the water ran down your naked body, across the dark bruised marks he'd left behind...God, he didn't want to give you up.
"I don't know." He decided, being honest. He couldn't stop thinking about the way you'd told Hux that you loved him. He hated this feeling of being inferior.
You said nothing, you weren't even sure if you had wanted an answer. What if it wasn't what you wanted to hear? When you had gotten all of the soap out, you moved so that Kylo could get a turn under the warm water.
You did the same as he had just done to you. You looked him over, appreciating every part of him. It wasn't fair, you thought, you wished you would have never gone on that trip. It changed everything, you were connected to Kylo now, you couldn't just break that off. You weren't sure if you'd be able to hide it when other people were around.
Kylo glanced over at you and saw that you were staring at him. Stirred with his own emotion from the look in your eyes, he reached for you and brought you close, into the water with him.
"We just go back to normal. To how it was before we left." He told you, deciding finally. He knew that was entirely too simple.
You sighed and rolled your eyes, "There is no normal now, Kylo...I had to say goodbye to my mom and I killed someone." You told him, "Not to mention I got practically gang banged by your Knights and you, a mob boss, cried yourself to sleep in my arms." You said, rubbing water away from your eyes. "I'm a changed woman."
Kylo smirked a little at that. If you were anyone else he'd kill you for bringing that up. "You never take anything seriously, do you?" He observed, helping you to move the hair out of your eyes.
You knew what he meant. You always tried to make jokes when you felt uncomfortable. "I take a lot seriously." You told him almost defensively. You took him seriously.
Kylo didn't respond to that.
He remembered something, "Before the Knights came in with those troopers, at the club...You were going to tell me something." He said to you, thinking back on it.
You frowned. Of course he remembered. You tried to think back to it. You hadn't really known what you were going to say to him at the time. You had just been so overwhelmed with your feelings for him.
You looked up at him and seeing the way that he was staring at you, wet hair dripping and a soft look in his eyes, you felt like you were right back in that spot, aching for him. You had never felt like this towards someone before, there was passion there that was impossible to ignore even if you wanted to.
"I..." You faltered and tried to look away but he caught your chin in his hands, tilting your face to look back up at him. "It's nothing, Kylo. It's stupid." You told him, trying to move your face out of his grip.
He tensed as he realized what you meant, releasing his touch. It was something he'd been feeling recently too. This flooding feeling of affection towards you. Kylo wanted to protect you and he wanted to be with you. He always preferred being alone but after this trip he knew he was going to find it hard to be anywhere that wasn't right by your side.
"You're so right. It is stupid." He agreed. You didn't need to say what you were thinking out loud, he had already been able to tell because he had been having the same thoughts as you.
You grabbed at your body wash and started putting some onto your loofa. Before you could wash your body with it, he grabbed it from you. He began running it along your shoulders, your arms, your back, cleaning you.
You exhaled and shut your eyes, letting yourself enjoy the way that it felt to be taken care of like this. "You don't even know what I was going to say." You told him.
He made a noise of disagreement. "I do. You're starting to like me too much." Kylo said softly to you, as if he read your thoughts.
You chuckled humorlessly. "I thought I told you. I don't like you, I hate you." You said to him. How did he always know how you were feeling? It was infuriating.
"You don't." He said, his tone was sad. "But you should."
You opened your eyes then and looked at him. He didn't stop his movements on your body, massaging the loofa against your chest.
"You need to be careful. Don't get attached to me, you'll just get hurt." He told you. He couldn't look you in the eyes.
Now that you two were back home, he realized how in deep he had gotten with you while he was away. It was different when it had been somewhere else. He had been able to pretend like he was a different person, someone who deserved you and had the ability to fall for you. It was a reminder, now that he was in familiar surroundings, that this type of life was not an option for him. He could never be someone like Hux for you. You'd never be able to relax around him.
"You can't hurt me." You argued with him, wondering if it were true. Clearly, you were talking about an emotional hurt because it was no secret that he could physically over power you.
Kylo locked eyes with you again, he paused his movement of washing your body. There was an expression on his face that you weren't able to read. He took your statement as a challenge.
"I don't care about you." He said to you in an eerily cold voice. A part of him was offended that you thought he'd just turn into Ben Solo all of a sudden when you got back. That wasn't who he was now, he was Kylo Ren. Why did you keep forgetting that? You would never be able to have him the way you wanted to.
You couldn't deny the way that your stomach dropped but you kept your expression even. "What?" You asked, as if you didn't hear him correctly. You almost laughed, it was such a blunt thing to say but the seriousness in his expression made you stop.
Kylo paused, it seemed like he was debating with himself over if he should continue or not. In reality, that was exactly what was going on in his mind. His urge to sabotage himself was out weighing his growing feelings for you.
"You mean nothing to me. I think it's easier for the both of us if you understand that now instead of later." He said, his eyes were on yours but they seemed far away, like he wasn't even there, he was just going through the motions. Who was he trying to convince?
You realized that he actually could hurt you. He just did.
You shook your head, you refused to believe it. "Kylo, stop. That's not true."
"It's not?" Kylo countered instantly, interrupting you. He was starting to get angry now at himself for doing this and at you for making him feel like he needed to. He didn't want to have to explain himself, he wished he could just walk away and you would leave his mind.
"I only went on that trip with you in the first place so that I had something to hold over your head in case you decided to talk to the cops. I did it for the mob, it had nothing to do with you." He hissed. At this point he wasn't sure if that were true or not. It might've started out that way but as your time together progressed it turned into something much different. But he wouldn't admit that to you, he was hardly able to admit to himself.
You tried not to show much his words were effecting you but now you were getting angry too. "If you were only doing it for the mob you wouldn't have taken me on a date or comforted me when I was upset or opened up to me about your mom..." You grabbed the loofa from his hands that had still been resting against your body and threw it at the tile behind him, "You wouldn't be fucking washing my body in my shower just because I asked you to. Stop lying to yourself!"
His eye twitched, watching you get upset. This was what he wanted, to push you away before he hurt you. If this was his goal then why was it making his heart ache?
"I took you on a date because I didn't want to stare at the fucking hotel walls with nothing to do. I comforted you when you were upset because your crying would've kept me up all night. I told you about my mom because I pitied you. You were alone and pathetic and I thought if I told you something similar to what you were going through, you'd just shut up and go to bed. And I'm showering with you right now because I thought I could fuck you again, that means nothing. That entire trip meant nothing, I could've replaced you with any of my men's girlfriends and it would've been the same exact thing."
You couldn't hide your emotions now. Your mouth hung open in shock, letting his words sink in. That couldn't be right. There was no way that you were the only one feeling these intense feelings for him. You remembered the things he'd said to you that night when you had sex for the first time. About how all he did was think of you, how he was yours. And you thought back to the way you'd cried together. It didn't make sense to you.
"I don't believe you." You said with a shaky voice, tears welling into your eyes.
Kylo almost dropped the act when he saw that look on your face. This was hurting him, almost as much as it was hurting you but he couldn't stop himself. He had to get rid of anything that made him feel weak and you were his biggest weakness. "If I really gave a shit about you do you think I would've let my Knights do what they did to you?" He asked you in a low voice, leaning in closer. "If you meant anything to me, I wouldn't have even allowed them to look at you."
You suddenly felt so naked. Not just because you literally were but because you had allowed yourself to be so open and really so fucking naked in front of Kylo and here he was, just gloating about it. You were humiliated. You had allowed yourself to do that with him and his Knights because you trusted him. That was your mistake, you realized. Everything you felt about him was a mistake.
"But..." You trailed off, mind racing, "You told me to call you Ben." You said, wide eyed in confusion.
Kylo froze, lip quivering. The way that the name sounded in your voice made him want to take it all back. But he knew he couldn't. "I regret it." He told you, "I wanted to see how it felt and I hated it." He lied, that was such a fucking lie.
You felt like you couldn't breathe. You felt so stupid. Why did you think even for a second that Kylo Ren might care about you? He had been using you, that's all he knew how to do, that's all he'd ever be able to do. And at the end of the day, he still held your life in his hands.
"Get out." You told him. Your voice was a lot calmer than what you felt inside.
Kylo didn't move, his chest was rising and falling heavily. 'What have I done?' He asked himself.
He wanted to wrap you into his arms, comfort you, get rid of whatever was hurting you. But he had been the one to make you feel this way and that's the reason he was doing it. He knew he'd hurt you eventually, might as well do it now before you get in too deep. In his own fucked up way, Kylo thought he was protecting you. From him.
"Get. Out." You hissed, this time the emotion in your voice was more apparent. You couldn't look at him, you didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing you trying not to cry.
He said nothing. Instead, Kylo exited the shower. He grabbed a towel and dried himself off as much as he could as he walked into your bedroom that was attached. You watched him through the glass door of your shower as he pulled his pants on, just needing to go down the hall. He picked up the rest of his clothes, balling them up under his arm.
When Kylo looked over to you, you quickly averted your eyes, pretending that you were really preoccupied in washing the soap off of your body. You didn't want to see him leave.
Kylo made his way out of your room and into the kitchen, collecting his bags that he had abandoned there when you two had first walked in and he had practically thrown you onto the counter. With his hands now full, he stopped and looked around the apartment, taking it in. He wondered if this was the last time you'd let him in here. He then wondered if that was the last time he was going to kiss you...He should have done it more, he realized.
Kylo opened your apartment door and paused in the doorway, second guessing himself.
Kylo had never done this before. Every time that he had pushed someone away in his life, or gotten rid of them, it had been because they had done something to wrong him. That wasn't you. He wasn't pushing you away because he hated you. He was pushing you away because of the exact opposite reason.
Kylo had killed a lot of his demons before. But he had never killed an angel.