"I want to fall in love." Charlie smiled as she hugged the throw pillow tightly. We're watching a romcom movie right now. "Like, how does it feel?" she excitedly asked before facing me.
"Uh.."
"I mean, yong tinginan? Yong kilig? How does it feel when your man holds your hand tightly? Totoo ba ang butterfly in our belly? Slow motion?"
I watched how curious she is, there's also a hint of sadness in her eyes. Hindi ko tuloy mapigilan hindi malungkot sa mga tanong niya. She's so young.. ang dami pa niyang gustong maranasan but cancer happened.
Last week, we were told na kumalat na ang cancer sa katawan niya. Charlie refused to undergo chemotherapy or any treatment. Mas pinili niya na dito na lamang sa bahay and spent her remaining months here. Walang makapilit samin sa kanya na magpagamot sa hospital.
I feel bad.. she needs us, pero wala kami lagi. All of us were always so busy sa hospital and school instead of spending our time with her. Si Lola at Chad lamang lagi ang nakakasama niya.
Looking at her.. I wanted to give up med school.. pansamantala lamang naman, I want to be with my sister more. I wanted to be there for her kapag nanghihina siya o gusto niyang umiyak, I wanted to be the ate she deserves to have..Pero kapag nalaman niya ang plan ko for sure sasama lamang ang loob niya sakin.
"If you want to experience it, you should undergo treatments first." I told her softly, hoping I can convince her.
Ngumiti siya sakin bago muling humarap sa TV. "Nah, just tell me stories.. I have great imagination naman." She tried sounding so cheerful, maybe to convince me she's okay with everything.. "So, is falling in love easy?"
I smiled as Hurricane's smiling face flashed in my mind. Parang magic na naririnig ko sa utak ko ang boses niya. "Falling in love.. it was easy but kinda hard to accept."
"Why? Kasi nakakatakot?"
"That's one.."
"There's another reason?"
I nodded slowly, "When you fall for someone you never imagined loving in this lifetime."
"But it was a happy feeling, right?"
Ngumiti ako sa kapatid ko bago muling humarap sa pinapanood namin. "Love isn't just a feeling." I don't know how to explain it to her, I am not really good with formulating my words.. but one thing I can say to her, "Feelings fade.. love isn't. That's why true love is very rare, I guess, because staying in love was a challenge and people give up easily."
"Are you like those people?"
I cleared my throat, thinking of my relationship with Hurricane. Hindi ko alam kung paano sagutin si Charlie. My experience with Jonas was different, we both wanted to let go.. but with Hurricane, I don't know. Ayokong dumating kami sa point na kailangan ko mamili kung magi-stay pa ba ako sa relasyon o bibitaw na.
Dahil oo, wala akong plano sa mga relasyon, pero nang pinasok ko tong sa amin ni Cane.. alam ko sa sarili kong ayoko ng matapos ang meron samin. Ayokong may susuko.
"I don't know." I smiled at her.
Binalik niya ang mga ngiti ko, mas malawak. "Ate.. you're thinking of someone right now, no?"
My face returned to its passive state as I gaze at her. Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko, gosh si Charlie palang to! Pero kasi.. hindi ko pa nasasabe sa kanila na may boyfriend na ako.
"You should sleep na, Charlie. It's already eight."
"Omg! You're shifting the topic, don't tell me you're in-love?!" this time, mas na-excite siya. Her eyes were glimmering.. my heart melt at the sight of my sister being happy because I am now having a progress in life.
I put my pointing finger on my lips as I winked. Signaling to keep quiet pero bigla siyang tumili sa kilig habang hinahampas ako ng throw pillow. Napatawa ako habang umiiwas sa hampas niya.
"Omg! Who's the guy?!"
Mas napangiti ako, gosh, hindi ko ma-control ang labi ko! I tried acting nonchalant but I am too happy with her reaction, "It's Hurricane."
Mas nanlaki ang mata niya bago muling sumigaw, agad ko tuloy tinakpan ang bibig niya kasi baka marinig kami ni Lola! Ayoko naman biglain sila Lola. Tama na na paisa isa muna ang nakakaalam.
"That's why you're glowing! Omg! I'm so kinikilig! Omg! Alam na ba ni kuya Hurricane ang feelings mo?! Omg!"
I laughed as I nodded, "He's my boyfriend now." Kinilig ako sa mismong sinabe ko. Guard, malala na ako sobra! And.. saying he's my boyfriend, I kinda felt proud. I don't even know why.
My sister was blushing hard habang tumitili, agad akong napaseryoso bago siya pinatigil. "Hey, hey calm down, okay?" and just after saying it kita agad na nang-hina siya. Shit! This is a bad idea. "Charlie, are you alright?"
She calmed down as she smiled at me warmly, "I am happy for you ate. I really am."
"Thank you."
"I wish I can love someone romantically too.."
My heart ached for my sister. I want her to live a longer life.. be happy and felt that she is loved. "I love you, Charlie."
**
Nakauwi ka na?
Malapit na ako sa condo nang mabasa ang chat ni Hurricane. Kanina ko pa siya hindi nire replyan. First, because ayokong mahati ang time ko kay Charlie kaya hindi ko pinapansin ang mga message niya. Second, dahil padin sa nangyare last night.
I am too immature on this part. He made it clear naman na. They both made it clear, I have to stop my doubts kasi it will do us no good. Nakaka guilty din kasi na masyado kong nabibigyan ng malisya ang friendship nila. Nahihiya ako. Lalo na sa inakto at mga sinabe ko last night.
I heaved a sigh as I made a U-turn. Ayokong sa chat lamang kami magka-ayos—if away ba na matatawag or misunderstanding to. It only took me a few minutes to arrived sa condo builing.
"Wait!" the girl screamed nang pasara na ang elevator, agad kong pinress ang button para makahabol siya.
The girl smiled at me nang makapasok siya, "Thank you." she looks like she's in college pa lang. I stopped for a second kasi she looks utterly familiar.. hindi ko lang maalala saan ko siya nakita. I pressed the elevator button again.
We were both quiet hanggang sa makarating ako sa floor nila Cane at Cy. Lumabas din ang babae na kasabay ko. Ramdam kong nakasunod lamang siya sakin. I just shrugged as I stopped sa harap ng unit nila Cy.. and the girl stopped too.
I looked back at her.. kilala ba siya ni Cy?
She looked back at me as she smiled sheepishly. I just gave her a nod before pressing the doorbell. Narinig kong tumikhim ang kasama ko. Hindi ko na siya ulit nilingon pa. I don't have any business with her naman.. especially if he's Cy's business.. err.
I frowned nang hindi padin binubuksan ang pinto. What's taking them so long? Tulog na ba sila? Pero maaga pa. 10 palang.
I was about to press the doorbell again nang bumukas ang pinto. Bumungad sakin ang mukha ni Hurricane. Naka white tshirt at khaki shorts, gulo gulo ang buhok but he still looks so damn good.
His eyes widened, parang di makapaniwala sa nakita then his shock face turned into a happy one. "Love!"
"Kuya!"
He was about to hug me nang mapatigil siya at mapatingin sa babaeng nasa likod ko. Pati ako napatingin nang tawagin niyang 'kuya' si Hurricane. My brow arched. Tama ba ang rinig ko?
Kuya?
Kailan pa nagkaroon ng ibang kapatid sila Hurricane?
Or maybe cousin?
"Blaire.. bakit andito ka? Sinong kasama mo?" Hurricane's voice suddenly sound alarmed as I felt his eyes shifting on my direction.
My eyes returned to Hurricane then to his cousin. Then realization struck me.. shit.. para silang carbon copy!
That's why she looks so familiar! Mas magka mukha pa sila kesa kay Cy. This is so cute!
The girl named Blaire, suddenly looked nervous as she bit her lower lip. I was about to smile pero nakita ko ang reaction ni Hurricane. His eyes were panicking as he looked at me then to Blaire.. like he's in deep trouble.
Okay. What the heck is going on? Why does he need to react this way?
"I'll go in first." I told him kahit super tempted akong tanungin kung sino talaga si Blaire at mukhang kabado siya.
Tumango lamang siya, hindi ko na inantay ang iba pa niyang sasabihin kung meron man at tumuloy na lamang sa pag-pasok sa loob ng unit. I roamed my eyes to look for Cy's presence, nang hindi siya makita sa living area dumiretso ako sa room niya but it's empty too.
Maybe he's in a bar again.
Bumalik na lamang ako sa sala. Ang daming nag-kalat na papel sa coffee table, may kape din na umuusok pa. The TV's on pero walang sounds. I guess Cane's studying bago kami dumating.
I heaved a sigh as I unmuted the television. Hininaan ko lamang. Hindi pa din pumapasok ang dalawa. Okay.. I am really getting curious, but it's not my attitude to stick my nose where it doesn't belong.
So I contented myself with waiting.
When Hurricane entered hindi niya kasama si Blaire, and he clearly looks like in a bad mood.
"Where's she?"
"Babe, can I borrow your car?"
"Sure.. why?"
He heaved a sigh, trying to calm himself. Nag-away ba sila ng pinsan niya? Or something happened?
"I'll just drive her home."
I nodded before standing up, tumaas ang isa niyang kilay nang tumayo ako.
"I'll go with you." I said.
I won't wait here alone. Wala naman sigurong masamang sumama sa kanya dba?
His forehead creased, "Can't you wait here?" tanong niya sa malumanay na boses pero bakas pa din ang pagka badtrip sa boses niya.
I kinda appreciate na he's trying to calm down at hindi sakin binubunton kung ano mang problema o rason ng pagkawala niya sa mood.
"Can't I go with you?"
"Babe.."
"I'm your girlfriend, Cane."
He shut his eyes as he threw his head backwards and heaving a sigh. Nang tumingin siya sakin alam ko na kaagad na hindi siya papayag.
"Please.. just wait here?"
On normal circumstances, hahayaan ko lamang siya. Ayokong nangingielam sa problema ng iba.. but he's my boyfriend now. Nagwo-worry din ako. Minsan, pakiramdam ko sobrang dami pa din niyang hindi sinasabe sakin. Pakiramdam ko, wala pa din siyang tiwala sakin.
Sinusubukan ko naman mag-hintay, pero diba dapat bilang girlfriend niya mag-open din siya sakin? Hindi lang naman ako basta babae na ihaharap niya sa iba para ipakilala o kukulitin at lalambingin kapag free time.
Girlfriend niya ako. Kaibigan pa din niya ako. I am not his best friend, pero umaasa ako na sana kahit konti lang sa mga pinagdadaanan niya.. sinasabe niya sakin.
He never opened anything about his family.. yong sa law school pa niya, malalaman ko lamang na nahihirapan siya kapag nagkukusa si Martine mag-sabi sakin. Nakaka offend sa part ko.
Nag-aalala din ako. Wala naman sigurong masama kahit ngayon lang na hayaan ang curiosity ko dba?
May karapatan pa din naman siguro ako.
"Cane.. is there something wrong?"
He heaved a sigh bago umiling ng dahan dahan. Why does he need to lie? Kitang kita ko naman sa mga mata niya ang totoo.
"Hurricane.."
"Nevermind. Magtataxi nalang kami."
Nagsimula na siyang mag-lakad at lampasan ako pero hinawakan ko kaagad ang braso niya para pigilan siya.
He can't walk out on me like this..
"You're keeping something from me."
"Babe.. please.. saka na tayo mag-usap."
"Saka na?"
"Please."
"Ano bang problema?"
"Wala nga."
"Hurricane."
This time, mukhang sakin na siya napipikon.
"You can drive the car, pero isama mo ako."
Kumunot ang noo niya. "Wala ka bang tiwala sakin?"
Gusto kong mapatawa ng sarkastiko sa tanong niya. "Ikaw? Wala ka bang tiwala sakin?"
Sinalubong ko ang mga mata niya. Mabigat sa pakiramdam, ngayon lamang niya ako tinignan ng may halong inis. Mabigat sa pakiramdam dahil parehas namin hindi kayang sagutin ang tanong ng isa't-isa..
Well, I trust him.. hindi ako ang tao na basta nago-open sa iba, it takes time for me pero sa kanya.. nasasabe ko lahat.. yong tungkol sa amin ng pamilya ko.. yong mga nangyayare sa bawat araw ko.. I opened everything to him..
But I just can't fully trust the person who cannot trust me back..
"Wag ngayon.."
"Alam ba ni Barb lahat ng hindi mo sinasabe sakin?"
That did it. This time, galit na talaga siya.
"Barb na naman, Chandy?"
"Just answer me." I tried toning down my voice.
Sa totoo lang.. hindi ko din alam bakit ko tinanong yon.. tapos na ang issue na'yon sakin.. nakaramdam ako ng hiya pero hindi ko pinahalata sa kanya.
"Barb's there from the very start." he said like it answered every freaking thing.
I watched how his jaw clenched before pulling off from my grip. Hindi na siya sumagot at tumalikod sakin. Hinayaan ko na din siya at hindi na hinabol pa.
Hindi ako lumingon.. ayokong panoorin siyang lalayo ng ganito..
Sinubukan kong huminga ng malalim para pakalmahin ang sarili ko. Hindi naman ako galit.. masakit lang na hindi niya kayang mag-tiwala sakin tungkol sa mga problema niya..
And he's right about Barb.. but it's not the issue now.. Ako din ang mali sa part na'yon.
I closed my eyes for a moment.. consoling myself..
Just.. just try to understand him more.. he has a reason, Chandy.
The door closed. Hindi talaga siya tumigil..
I waited for another minute bago lumabas nadin. My heart felt heavy as I drove back to my condo. The ugly feeling worsen when I entered an empty room again..
I wanted to see Ansel.. I just want her here right now..
No, Chandy. You're a strong woman. It's just a small fight.
Yes. It's just a small fight.
Nag-linis lamang ako ng katawan bago piniling mag-aral na lamang. I tried taking him off of my mind for a while.. lalo na ang nangyare kanina..
I succeeded for about half an hour pero bumalik na naman lahat ng nangyare kanina.
Napatingin ako sa kabuuan ng condo.. it felt like it's been so long since the last time na nakapag aral ulit ako sa labas.
Dumiretso ako sa loob ng kwarto para mag-palit. I need to unwind. I need a new environment.. kahit ngayong gabi lang.
I put all my things inside my bag then I grabbed my book stand and key fob. Napatingin ako sa phone ko..
There's still nothing.. wala pa ding message..
Tumalikod na ako at iniwan na lamang ang phone ko. I need to concentrate tonight.
I opened the door and was taken aback when Hurricane's faced greet me. He looked so apologetic.
He didn't look angry anymore. Kumalma na siya.
We stayed silent. Hindi ko din kasi alam ang sasabihin. I wanted to say sorry at the same time ayoko muna siyang kausapin..
If there's one person na gusto kong makita ngayon.. best friend ko yon.
"Baby.."
I remained mum. Nahihiya ako sa inasal ko kanina especially when I brought up Barb again.. at the same time, I just can't disregard my feelings because of what I've said.
"Can we talk?"
"Mag-aaral pa ako." I answered in a passive tone.
"Please?"
I heaved a sigh before looking at my wristwatch. "It's already 10. Bukas na lamang." I said with finality before closing the door behind.
Nilagpasan ko na siya.. I am so tempted to go back and just say sorry and finish this petty fight..
"Chandy, babe.. please.."
Hindi ako umimik at pinindot ang elevator button nang hindi siya nililingon. Narinig ko ang mabigat niyang buntong hinga. Like he's in pain.
"Blaire.."
The elevator opened.
"She's my sister."