The victorious rhythm was no longer resonating in her concern, she was drowning in great disdain. Carrying by the person who carried the heart full of love and bravery. Who didn't even think twice before risking his own life just to save her, save her to hold on to the accomplishment which she always chose over everything, over him; her terrible stubbornness.
For the first time in ever, her ghastly rage was dimmed, anger never rose up to her head. The chaos paralyzed the fire long ago. The veins didn't erupt this time despite everything was persisting without her consent.
Though her hands were wrapped around his neck but the feeling was not like before. Once the feeling was something so congenial, so profound, so intimating. But this time the merely skin contact felt so stiffen, so deadened.
Nile glanced up through her weak eyelashes. Since the second her frail frame braced into his grasp, he never spared a simple glance at her let alone speak. His jawline was clenched, the veins on his neck were throbbed. The tight portray on his face was not the thing that she had ever wished to witness throughout her lifespan.
Her heart ached, she couldn't breath as if the chaotic chains choking her lungs. The sadness inside crushing everything, the guilt kept stabbing like inconsolable knife. A drop of tear escaped her eye and rolled down her delicate skin. The torment was inescapable, all the remorse was unstoppable.
Hobi could feel her mere tremblings through his muscles. It'd be a lie if it's said the obscures hadn't stirred his heart strings yet. It did, and the grieve was so tremulous to swallow down by his droughty throat. The regret through her heavy breathing was clearly apparent to him, like a mirror. Nevertheless, his grasp was still but his grave observation wasn't concealed either.
As soon as they stepped on the stage, the delightful host and the elite soon got ambushed discovering Nile was encased in the arms which belonged to the last night's hip-hop winner's! And to their highest befuddlement, he was holding her in a bridal style. Extremely baffled by the shocking emergence, their minds started swerving on how to present them on the stage and hand the crest with that awkward appearance.
Before they could do or say anything Hobi already came up to the middle of the stage carrying Nile. The host and the male elite was still suffering in horrible awkwardness. Even Mrs. Park at the corner, was all dumbfounded by the way Hobi carried her all the way here.
The awful hesitancy straining among the five judges and up on the stage thoroughly. While the whole arena buzzing in faint whispering noises. The watchers started cavilling into each other's ears about the unexpected yet dramatic movements occuring on the stage.
However, after the stormy contemplation the host cleared his mind and finally continued the speech anyway.
"Let's have a big round of applause for NILE!"
The loud buzz rippled the jittery air the second it burst from the crowd. The chief adminstrative Officer handed the Diamond Swan Award to Nile. She forced a smile at him and bowed her head with respect while accepting the sparkling crest with her cold shivering hands. None of her reflexes left unnoticeable to Hobi.
"Congratulations Nile! You really deserve this! But we're all extremely so sorry for your current situation! We pray for you to get well as soon as possible dear!" She nodded her head in accordance.
"Alright, sad stuffs apart, now that you have WON the night would you like to say something to our beautiful audiences? To the thousand people who are watching you right now across the country?"
It was a must to deliver a speech as a victor but she wasn't so prepared for giving a speech, at least her distressed mind wasn't. And which felt like an unsteady rile rushed through her bones to the proposal put forth by the host. In addition, her heart sorely thumping in the shackles, her whole frame stiffened into his grasp. Hobi could feel it, he knew he could feel it. So he immediately tightened his grip both underneath her knees and on her back.
"Sure!" Her words falteringly emerged out as soon as she felt his fingers dipped into the skin as an indication.
The host smilingly urged them towards the wooden lectern where the crooked microphone was waiting on the surface. Hobi gently carried her towards the lectern thereupon. She was holding her breath as much as hardly her hands clutching the crest, entangling around his neck.
She looked around the cavernous arena. All the sparkling eyes were upon her at that moment and she felt so overwhelmed. Her eyeballs started moving in the sockets like a pendulum. She felt so nervous, too nervous to speak out a single word. She was gulping too much even though there wasn't any lump to be summed up into her parched up throat.
Her uneasiness was getting more and more prominent by the milliseconds, and Hobi could sense them each. He closed his eyes as a sharp sigh leapt out and dunked his fingers into her soft skin again.
"Let your heart speak."
Her restless eyes stopped moving. She heard it. It was a swift light whisper across him but potent enough to brushed against her earlobe, strong enough to dissolved her timidness. She collectively inhaled.
"Umm, I, umm- my sincerest apologies to the honourable judges and, to the audience here, for being appeared in a very inconvenience way." She finally spoke. But there was aberrant gasps in between her each sentences. Yet she managed to continue with great fortitude shrugging the constant pain, both physical and emotional.
"I, I want to thank the judges, who take their precious time and acknowledged me as the one, amongst all. I want to thank the audience, for watching my performance patiently and support me throughout. I want to thank, the people who have always been there for me and kept cheering for me, till the end. And lastly, I want to thank, my honourable coach, who has always been my icon. For whom I can be able to reach this far."
A sharp pang of remorse ran through Mrs. Park's offended heart as the deliberate words echoed in her head which of she never worth. Her mortified structure was standing at the corner clutching at the chest that reserving the exploding guilt all over her inmost.
"But I don't deserve this. I really don't." She spoke and there was sharp abhorrence espied her stinging tone. Her sudden statement threw the entire arena into confusion.
"This is not only a crest. It's an achievement. An achievement which is filled with someone's love, hard work, pain, rejoice," Her throat hurt as the walls squeezed from either side caused the crepitate words ringing in the silent hall. Salt water began trailing down her skin, searing the downhearted soul.
"Just not a bountiful stubbornness! It's an achievement, which can only be earned by love. The love, that shaped it into passion, not stubbornness! And I-I was stubborn. Too stubborn to see the love through passion, but the stubbornness of course!"
"I let this obnoxious disorder conquer me all over, I let it lead me to the point where- where I started losing my closest one and didn't even take it into consideration that a simple step might fix it! I let it chose the wrong side of me! I let it used me!"
Extreme dispair had driven her to the brink of great heartbreak. One by one, the teardrops turned into heavy rain. She couldn't help but poured out the excessive pain rummaging through her. The endless salty liquid held her grieve sadness.
"I failed using the right side of me! I always used to have the only aspect that how, how can I be the best, how can I be as perfect as my mom! I got too anticipated for winning and perfection that I didn't get to realize how oblivious I have gone about my surroundings! About the person who always tried to make me realize what actually perfection is! What passion is! But I was still that awfully stubborn and in the end... I lost him."
All her tormenting emotions were striking all at once as the outcome of her punishments and the immoderate pain was ripping her heart off. The constant tears shedding her gloomy derm.
Hobi felt the shudders through her speech. He could feel her petite figure wracking between his grasp because of the extensive pain flooding inside her. Holding her so close yet couldn't be able to wipe the tears off of her skin and pulled her close to his heart and tell ‘it's okay’; what could be more difficult than this?
"I've always craved for this crest, for loud applause, to hear my name chanting in the air, to see myself in this position. Each day I prayed for this, each spin I wanted to be the best, the best of all. I've always been so excited to have this all. And here I am, achieved everything I wanted. But no-w, all this seems like nothing is gained at all. All this achievements feels so dry to me! I feel so deceived by my own self. And this crest, it's- it's just seem so wrong in my hands. I really d-don't deserve this." Her restrained voice stumbled again as she took a glance at the beautiful diamond swan statue through her vague sight.
"Mam?"
Mrs. Park flinched at her call. The host beside the duo gestured her to come over to the stage with his head nodding. With the conflicted heart and the overflowing guiltiness in mind she gradually came across them.
"I want you to take care of this."
Nile stretched out her hand and held the crest before her. Appalled, she couldn't assemble Nile's sudden diction. She looked down at the crystalized trophy then turned to her. It's wrong. She couldn't receive it. She's not the owner of it. She abruptly shook her head. Her ocean blue eyes filled up with wetness.
"Please!" Low gasp ended her pleading into shallow whisper. Droplets of tear poured out the older's aged pits. Her chin trembled as Nile leaned in and took her hand in hers and put the cold object in her folds gently.
"I got my answer mam. It was always me, who used me." A sad smile held behind her battered tone. Mrs. Park stood there abashed and in great despair.
"I'm so sorry for my long, meaningless speech. I really am. Thank you for bearing with me."
Giving the last bow of appearance, pleading for great penitence, she took her departure with the tearful heart.
•••••
There was silence in his each steps. And the cold silence spoke millions. Her gaze hung low. She couldn't look up at him. She just wanted to clutch on to him tight and screaming out all the pain until the throat went withered. Wanted to say she was sorry, could he forgive her? But all the mute words doomed under the remorse, sealed up her dry lips. She had lost the energy to cry anymore.
A few wisp of chestnut hair grazed against her forehead as he put her down on the sofa so gently. The delicate signature scent of ‘us’ hit her nostrils that wafted through him as he was moving away. She watched him turning back, ready to leave. Before he left she grabbed his hand.
"Can you wait for a while?"
He didn't look back, just tried to take his hand off of her grip. She grasped on to it more.
"Just five minutes?"
He didn't know what she tried to do or say. All he knew was that he just couldn't let his eyes meet her. No, he just couldn't! The tightness of his sinews loosened up along with his body. He removed his hand from her grasp and managed himself to wait for the next five minutes. Inhaling trenchly, he turned around and sat across her on the wooden stool.
The restroom wasn't empty with this two empty souls. Mei and Jimin were also present in the room. They chose to be silent for the breathless duration.
His head hanging low. She could feel his blank gaze beneath his hair strands which was boring into nothing. His cold stillness was lurking among her veins. The dent scar on his skin was still tender and glossy for the thick red liquid. Her hands itched to touch it, to caress her fingertips over it, to heal it with love.
The miserable heart walls thrusted into the center again. The itching hands clutched on her black fabric instead. The stinging eyes again pouring with hot water. The resistance left her with nothing but piles of regret.
"Thank you, thank you for saving me." She spilled out the dreadness in thumping whisper. He didn't lift up his head nor stir a bit, just kept listening to her broken speeches with his notwithstanding sense.
Another suffocating silence filled up in the air. He sensed how the teardrops of sadness rolled down her cheeks and falling on the back surface of her trembling fists.
"I'm so sorry! Forgive me!"
He felt the tuneless words escaped her shuddering lips. He swallowed thick. Wandering the memories with shaking tiptoes he couldn't find this broken Nile out there. Did he ever have any encounter with her undefended side? Who was hovering over the relentless woe? He questioned to himself; found none.
He didn't have the courage to look at her. He wasn't accustomed to this broken form of hers. His throat tightened up as if a coiled rope gripping around his suffocating neck. He couldn't sit there a second anymore. He stood up and deserted himself from her sight.
"Hyung?" On the way Jimin stopped him by the arm.
"I can't." He glanced at the younger through the shadowing dismay. No longer he could hold him back from leaving, he let Hobi go. Jimin moved his gaze at Mei who was standing there in silence. No words could comfort her dear friend's mourning heart.
Hood on, he let the tears escaped into the falling raindrops. Raindrops soaking up his entire body. People went past him in a rush holding the umbrellas above their head. Thunder roared in heedless scream, lighting dancing above the sky. He ignored them each and kept on walking wherever his legs led him to.
How much pain and sorrow was building up within the shackles that he couldn't hold her in arms, leaned in her heartaches and tell her,
I could never unloved you then how can you ask for forgiveness!
While on the other hand, unforgivable sadness cloaked her in the deepest. She clenched her wounded heart, buried her face into the palms. His unspoken departure penetrated her heart with thousand arrows. She was drowning in great suffering of no matter how much she craved for his forgiveness to rinse the piled up guilts withering, he would never forgive her.
🍂