Chapter 6 - Truths & Memories
[Harry's POV]
At first I just stare at him as if he's grown another pair of eyes, but when the words finally have processed in my head, I let out a loud gasp followed by tears welling up in my eyes. Without so much as waiting for anyone to say anything, I get up from the couch and run to Liam's bedroom, only shutting the door behind me since it doesn't have a lock.
I don't even make it to the bed until I fall to the ground and start screaming hysterically with tears running down my face. My mascara is probably all over the place, but I can't care less about that now. What I do care about however, is the fact that Louis is planning on proposing to Eleanor. How can he? They've only been together for what? Three years? Sure, Zayn proposed to Perrie early in their relationship but they're an exception. Three years is definitely not a long time.
The worst thing, however, is the fact I was starting to think he actually had feelings for me. The way he's been acting lately... he's not been that affectionate with me ever since management told us to stay away from each other in public about three years ago. I thought it meant something, but clearly it didn't. I'm still just stuck in the friend zone where I want what I can't have, and seeing as Louis is about to get married, I'll probably be so forever.
I cry so loud that I miss hearing the sound of the door creak open, so when I feel a hand on my shoulder I flinch. "Harry, come here," I hear Niall say, tugging at my arm.
Shaking my head, I let out a heartbroken sob. "There's no point, Niall. I don't c-care. Louis' happy, and so am I. I'm so incredibly h-happy for him. I mean, why wouldn't I be? He's my best friend and he's getting m-married."
Without uttering a word, Niall pulls me onto his lap so my head is lying on his thighs while new tears keep escaping my eyes. His hands are in my hair, combing my loose curls that probably are everywhere, just like my make-up. "Shh, don't speak. It's okay, Harry. Everything will be okay," he tries to soothe, but I just shake my head.
"Don't say that when we b-both know it's not true. Why does everyone always try to r-reassure people with the same kind of rubbish? Nothing will be okay, Niall, nothing."
He sighs, brushing my curls to the side. "I'm so sorry, Harry. None of us expected that from Louis. Sure, we knew he loved her, but not so much that he wanted to commit to her this soon."
I shake my head, soaking his shirt with wet tears that just keep running down my cheeks. "I'm sorry too. I shouldn't be such a wimp to cry my eyes out over this. If anything, I should celebrate like I'm sure the other guys are doing out there right now. I just... I just c-can't." I sniffle, my voice cracking at the last word.
Niall looks down at me sadly. "I know. It's obvious that you have deep feelings for him. I just can't believe Louis hasn't figured it out yet. I mean, he's the one you give heart eyes to and the one you're always nervous around. He's so fucking oblivious."
I furrow my eyebrows, wiping a few tears with the back of my hand. "I'm really that obvious?"
He grimaces, and that's when I understand that I am. For how long has he known about it though? I mean, if he's known it since the start, he would've told me earlier, right? "N-Niall, for how long have you known about... it?"
He trails his fingers to my cheeks, wiping my damp skin with the pads of his thumbs. I really appreciate that he does all this to me when I'm an absolute wreck, crying over a stupid thing named love. He's just too amazing to be true.
"Ever since you started dressing and acting like this," he says, motioning to my clothes and the make-up on my face. "You began staring at him a little more often and longingly about that time, so I guess I just came to the terms that you must have feelings for him."
"Yeah," I breathe. "I wanted to be more like her, you know? If Louis likes her so much, I thought he'd like me too if I just resembled her. It's stupid, I know because I'm a guy and we don't even have the same parents so I could never look like her anyways. I just... I wanted to give it a try, you know?"
"Oh Harry," he sighs. "You've been acting like this just because... why? You know Louis would only like you for who you are, right? He wouldn't want you to be like her. If he fancies you, it's because he likes you and no one else. Harry. You should know this."
I hum, averting my gaze from his. I am aware of that, it's just... I wanted to see if he would fall for me too if I only was more like Eleanor. Not that I thought it would work, but I would do anything for Louis, even if it means I have to dress like a girl. "I know, Niall," I mutter, fiddling with my fingers over my chest.
We sit there for a while, tears still leaving my eyes, even though I'm not aware of it anymore. They just come unintentionally. Niall continues to comb his fingers through my hair, trying to soothe me and get me to stop sniffling, but it won't work no matter how much he tries. He even tells me funny jokes to make me laugh, which I do, but it's only half-heartedly and the lump in my throat is still present along with the quiet sobs.
About half an hour later, I can feel my eyelids getting heavy due to how much I have cried, and within seconds I'm sound asleep, still with my head on Niall's lap.
-
[Louis' POV]
"What the fuck was that?!" Zayn yells as Harry has slammed Liam's bedroom door shut and Niall has followed behind him.
Liam and Zayn are staring at me incredulously, Zayn a little angrier since we've recently talked about my feelings for both Eleanor and Harry. However, I just plant an emotionless look on my face, not letting myself be faced with any of their shit. I clear my throat, crossing my arms over my chest. "The truth," I shrug casually.
Zayn scoffs, shaking his head. "I can't believe you Louis, and I don't believe a shit of what's been coming out of your mouth lately. Ever since you promised me not to tell anyone about your uncertain feelings for Harry you've been a real dickhead. Not only to us, but to Harry as well. Maybe he hasn't noticed it because of your stupid moves on him, but don't you think he's going to be crushed after this? You've basically led him on, you stupid idiot. I thought I told you not to break his fucking heart, and what's the first thing you decide to do, huh? I can't fucking believe you, Louis," he snarls, looking at me with so much disappointment, but I just shrug it off.
"I haven't broken anyone's heart. I'm just doing the right thing," I mutter.
He raises an eyebrow while Liam just sits there, flicking his gaze between the two of us. "The right thing? Harry loves you, you heartless son of a bitch! He'd do anything for you, yet you just stomp on his heart as if it's made of stone. It's not, I can tell you. And if you didn't notice it by the way he just stormed out of the room, you are really fucking oblivious," he laughs humorlessly.
I bite my lip. No, Harry doesn't like me, he just acts overly cute and adorable around me. What Zayn told me this morning isn't true. Harry wasn't feeling down because of Eleanor, it must've been because of something else. And now he probably only stormed out because I didn't tell him about the marriage before I told the other guys since we're considered best friends. Yeah, that must be it.
"He doesn't like me, okay? And even if he does, I don't reciprocate the feelings. I love Eleanor, and Eleanor only. There's nothing you can do about it, and I'm going to propose to her next week whether you want me to or not," I say flatly, glaring at him.
He lets out a heavy sigh, looking at Liam for help, but he just shrugs as if he doesn't know what can possibly change my mind. "You're about to make the biggest mistake of your life, Louis. I don't know what it is within you that refuses to admit that you love him, but there's definitely something. You know none of us guys would hate you if you were gay, right? We love you for who you are, Louis. Remember that," Zayn mumbles, looking at me pleadingly.
I cover my face with my hands, letting out a groan. "I'm not gay. I... I don't like Harry. I love Eleanor, I just do, okay? Nothing about his emerald, green eyes, his long, brown eyelashes that brush against his cheeks so softly every time he blinks, his pouty, pink lips that look ready to be kissed whenever, or his long, curly hair appeals to me, okay? N-nothing."
Fuck, why did my voice let me down in the end? I was doing so well, right? But that last bit just had to expose me...
Both Liam and Zayn stare at me with widened eyes for a second before they exchange a knowing look. "You're scared," Zayn says as if it's written in stone. "You're afraid of being gay, aren't you?"
I shake my head vigorously, feeling tears well up in my eyes as my childhood memories come flooding back. The way I was always pushed against lockers due to my looks. My body has always been too curvy, my voice has always been too high pitched, and my height has never been good enough to belong to a guy. All this only made the beatings I used to receive even worse. They just assumed that I was gay, never really asked me, just jumped to conclusions.
After that, I swore to myself that I would never get feelings for a guy because I wanted to prove my bullies that they were wrong. I wanted to shove a wedding picture of me and a beautiful girl in front of their faces to show them that they had been wrong all the time, that I was straight. But then Harry came along and absolutely blowed my mind away with his looks. I thought he would be the reason my dream wouldn't come true, but then I met Eleanor and fell for her as well, just not as hard as I did for Harry. However, it was enough for me to ask her out and get my hopes up again. That's the reason I'm now planning on marrying her and forgetting all about Harry, who probably is the love of my life, by the way.
Why I started being affectionate with him lately was because I wanted to experience loving and being loved by him before it was too late, before I committed to Eleanor, that is.
I open my mouth to start explaining the whole story to Liam and Zayn, and the entire time, they watch me intently, listening to every word that leaves my mouth carefully. Once I'm finished, I have tears running down my cheeks and so have them. Zayn even gets up to give me a hug, and I instantly wrap my arms around him, glad that he finally understands me.
When he settles down beside Liam again, he smiles sadly at me. "What are you going to do, Louis? You're not really going to fulfill this, are you? Please tell me you're not."
I let out a breath. "I'm sorry, but I've planned this my whole life. I swore I would fulfill my plan regardless of the consequences, even if it's going to hurt me for the rest of my life. I don't care about my feelings, but hopefully, they'll go away eventually," I sniffle. "I know Harry will probably hate me for making this decision, but it's something I have to do, so can you please promise me not to tell him about it? I don't want to break his heart even more than I've already done. Please." I look at the two of them pleadingly, eyes wide so they will really listen to my words.
"Why can't you just marry Eleanor, send your bullies the picture then break up with her and get together with Harry?" Liam asks, ignoring my plea.
I shake my head sadly. "It's not that simple, Liam. I don't even want to be gay. I swore to myself that I would never be, and the picture is just a payback for what they did to me, like a slap in the face," I explain, looking down at my lap.
Through the corner of my eye, I can see Zayn scowling. "Louis, you can't decide whether you're gay or not. It's not a choice, it's what you're born to be. Sure, you can go marry Eleanor, but it's going to get back at you in the end, you know? It's nothing you can just escape."
I pout my lips, avoiding their gazes. "I'm sorry," I say, covering my face with my hands. "I can't, I just... I can't."
Without another word, I stand up and go over to the front door. "I'm so sorry," I mumble again, looking down at my feet as I reach out for the handle.
"Wait!" Zayn calls. "Before you go, I want to tell you that I'm not going to tell Harry anything, but if he asks me why you're proposing to Eleanor, I'm not going to lie. I can't do that to him because I know how much he loves you, how much you love each other. If only you would accept the fact that you're gay, you could be happy together at this very moment and forget about Eleanor and your bullies."
Shaking my head, I turn the handle and open the door slightly with tears running down my cheeks. "I'm sorry," I whisper before closing it behind me.
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Yeah, so this chapter may seem confusing. Basically, Louis never wanted to admit the fact that Harry liked him, even though he knew he did all along. And Louis also refused to admit that he liked Harry though he did know that deep down as well.
Thank you so much for all the reads, votes and comments! <3
Pauline .xx