**
"Do you think they'll like me?" I asked Paul as I brushed through the curls in my hair with my fingers.
He talked with his mouth stuffed full of the sweets in the bowl. "Of course they will," he said, before swallowing the sweets. "It's your own damn show, Lola."
"I haven't been on for months," I said. "They might've forgotten me."
"The show is named after you, they get a reminder every time the show is on. You have that big sign saying your name, of course they can't have forgotten who you are," Paul said. He dug around the bowl before groaning. "Mallory, you ran out of all the strawberry chewy ones."
I chuckled. "Well I wonder who ate them all."
"Ok so maybe I raid your bowl every time I'm here, but those ones just became my favourite!" Paul said, before walking up behind my chair and leaning over, resting his arms on it. He smiled as we looked at the mirror together. "You look amazing."
"I hope so," I said, not even realising I was lifting my chin up slightly.
Paul frowned slightly and placed his hands on my shoulders, standing up straight. "It's still bothering you?" he asked.
I shrugged. Even though Paul and my mind told me to stop worrying about the scar and how I look, I still did. It didn't go away. I was always scared of people seeing it and thinking it looked bad or something. All my life I had been a pretty face and sometimes it feels like it's all I have or all I am. One little thing had me feel insecure and like I lost some kind of worth.
"It looks so obvious, everyone's gonna see it," I said, though I knew I couldn't do anything about it. I knew it wasn't good for me to worry so much, but it was all I remembered how to do sometimes.
I had just taken a few pills while I was in the bathroom to calm me down. That was the only place I would be alone, obviously for privacy reasons. I just needed Paul to be waiting outside. Even though I felt like a burden, he assured me that he was happy to help me and stay by my side. I was getting better, I could be in the next room for about 30 minutes without getting freaked out. We were working on helping me get past that fear.
Anything past being alone for 30 minutes would drive me insane. We tried to push it after a week of having me get used to it, but I couldn't do it. I started sobbing and screaming feeling like I would turn around and see Seth standing there with his malicious grin. It all seemed silly to some, but it was a genuine fear and nightmare that constantly followed me around. I felt like he could come back to hurt me again.
I've managed to keep my pills hidden which has surprised me. I took them every day when I could. It made me feel guilty though. Whenever I walked out of the bathroom and saw Paul there I felt terrible. It felt like I was betraying his help and all that he was doing for me by taking those pills, but I needed them. They made me feel better and that was all I needed to justify my use.
"People won't notice it darling, and if they do, it makes you look badass. I like it," Paul said.
"You always say that kind of stuff to try make me feel better," I said, sighing.
"Well I mean it, I think you look fine with it. I've got a scar on me lip anyway, remember that crash I was in? Look," Paul said, pointing at his lip. "C'mon, all the cute people have a scar somewhere. Welcome to the club."
I smiled a little. "You always know what to say."
"Oh nonsense, I just say whatever junk ends up in that brain of mine. Look darling, no one will care. Maybe they'll make up some story about how you're dead and there's a replacement running around, but at the end of the day, it's just a scar and at least you know you made it out of that situation," Paul said with a slight chuckle. That rumour about Paul always cracked me up. "It reminds you that you survived. You're a brave one, y'know."
"Everyone's been saying that to me. I really ain't that brave, y'know, I've been scared this whole time," I admitted as I stood up and out of my chair.
"And you've handled this much better than a lot of people would. C'mon, go give that audience the best show ever. Word's been going around about tonight and a lot of people are gonna be watching. They all love you," Paul said.
"Will you be waiting at the side of the stage for me?" I asked.
Having him around genuinely made me feel better and more secure. I felt safe and like I didn't have to worry. There are those people that just bring you a kind of comfort you can't explain, like their presence is enough to ease you through everything. Paul was that person for me. I felt less stressed when he was around. It's not that I depended on him for happiness or anything, but he was more like a comfort to have. Kind of like a comfort blanket I guess.
He nodded and smiled as we walked from my dressing room to the side of the stage together. It felt great being back. "Of course I'll be there. Just look to the side if you need a friendly face, though I'm sure you'll be fine up there. You've got Ollie."
"Yeah I guess so. I just like knowing you're there," I said.
Paul and I separated once I was behind the curtain at the back of the stage and he was at the side of the stage. The jitters kicked in and I felt my hands shaking from the adrenaline just from hearing the crowd. A smile came to my face just from the excitement of being out there again.
"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your favourite host, Mallory McCain!" Ollie announced.
I pushed through the curtain and felt the lights shining on me as everyone cheered. They all had beaming smiled on their face and looked so happy to see me. For a moment, it made me forget my problems and kept me just in that moment. Those kind of reactions are ones you never forget. Everyone was standing up and clapping and cheering, it was all for me, and I couldn't believe it.
The band played amazingly as always as I made my way towards the guest couch, side hugging Ollie before we sat down. Even when we had sat and the band stopped playing, there was still the ongoing cheer. I looked to the side of the stage with a big smile, looking at Paul who was just in awe of what was happening. This wasn't any normal cheer. They just went on.
When it finally came to an end —their hands had to get tired at some point— I just let out a chuckle from how amazed I was. This wasn't something that just randomly happened. I don't know whether it was because they were excited I was back or because they read about what happened. It had gotten all over tabloids despite everyone trying to remain as quiet about it as possible.
"I've never seen you dress up so well," I chuckled.
"They told me I was supposed to dress like you so they couldn't tell the difference. I think I've done a good job, dressing up nice, yeah?" he replied.
"Ladies, do you think he's dressed up nice?" I asked, looking at the crowd.
All the girls in the crowd started cheering and screaming, Ollie and I chuckling from the reaction. Girls were always going crazy over my brother. In school, I remember all the girls telling me how cute Ollie was and I'd just roll my eyes because I thought he was gross, just as every sister thinks their brother is.
"Too bad, it's my show and I disagree," I said, getting a laugh from the audience.
"So, how have you been? The world's all wondering how their favourite host is," Ollie said.
"Well I've been getting better. I know everything that's happened has been all in the media, so there's no need for me to say anything, but I'm getting better with each day. I'm still taking things slow, little by little I'm getting used to life again and have been learning to cope. It's good, y'know, that I have this show where I can talk about this kind of stuff, because there's a lot of people who go through this and I'm doing this knowing that I'm helping at least some other person, and that always feels good," I said.
Ollie smiled and nodded. "Tell is about how your recovery's been."
I looked at the side of the stage again and saw Paul giving me a reassuring look, nodding his head at me. "Well I've had good company and help. Different people have been coming in and out to help, my best friend Shanice, my parents, Ollie here, even John Lennon, but the person who I've had stay with me for all that time is Paul. McCartney of course. He's just been amazing, he's been helping me and talking to me when I need it, and I'm glad I have him by my side."
"That makes sense. You two were like two peas in a pod while growing up, everyone saw one of you and expected the other pop up. Speaking of which, he is here tonight to support you, yes?" Ollie asked.
I nodded. "He helped me feel better and talked me through everything before I came up here. Can I invite him I stage?"
"It's your show, go ahead, Lory."
"C'mon, Paul," I called, looking over at him.
He walked on stage, quickly waving at the crowd who cheered like and for him as he walked over to the couch. Sitting down next to me, he smiled at everyone in the audience and settled into the couch.
"Enjoying the eye candy, ladies?" I asked, getting a laugh from the audience and a cheer from all the girls.
"They'd have to get pass you before they could get to us," Paul said. "Very protective, you are."
"It's not like just anyone can have my baby brother or my best friend, y'know," I said. "Anyway, this isn't no dating show!"
"Yes of course! Now, Paul, you've been there with Mallory during this whole recovery process, how has it helped you two rebuild that friendship you had," Ollie asked.
"Oh it's been amazing. You just get closer after living with someone and being the one to help them and talk to them when they need it, y'know. Of course, I think we would've done fine getting back to a good friendship like we had before, but this has really sped things up and we've gotten to know each other so well again," Paul said.
"You really don't know someone until you see how they are when you need them, and Paul has really been so attentive and caring this whole time. I think he came back into my life at a perfect time," I said.
I started blushing when I heard a few 'oohs' from the crowd, and they were clearly suggesting a romance between us. It wasn't anything new, the crowd loved any word of a relationship, but it was weird being the one they were ooh-ing about.
"Calm yourselves, that's only funny when someone else is the guest," I said to the audience, getting a laugh from them.
I couldn't help but feel terrible and so incredibly guilty when my mind lingered to Bella. Wondering if she were watching the show tonight, I thought about how she felt if she was. The nicest girls seem to always get ignored for lousy people like me. She deserved happiness, and I hate that Paul had left her for me.
Paul told me they ended it on good terms and she said she had been conflicted about how she felt every time he mentioned me or was around me. Apparently after a while, she wanted him to be with me and was happy when they broke up because she knew the both of them would be better off. Maybe she was just too sweet for her own good. They would've been nice together, I reckon.
As I drifted more into my thoughts while we were on commercial break, I suddenly got some kind of paranoia. Sure, I was in a room full of people, but I suddenly felt like he was watching me again. He very well could have been, I was on TV. This thing kicks in during the worst times and I hate that I can't control it.
Paul looked at me and gave me a worried look and it was as if we could talk through our eyes. He quickly motioned for a bottle of water and we were passed one by a swift crew member. Passing me it, I felt a bit of relief as I gulped it down, though it was only a very small amount of relief.
A worried feeling in the pit of my stomach came and I knew as soon as we were done I was gonna need to race to the bathroom, both to take the pills and then hide them in my bags again. Giving Paul a small smile to make him think I was fine, I carried on like it was nothing, though I craved for the pills.
**