Zara knew that her mood would change completely the moment she got on the train, and just as she predicted, it did. She knew it was going to be more difficult for her to concentrate and have a normal conversation, but she did not imagine it would be to that point.
The reason was one, and it was easy to guess: Cedric. She had shared each and every one of her trips with him since she was eleven years old, and it had not been uncomfortable for either of them to leave their other friends during that time —indeed, they had understood, since the Gryffindors would wait for Zara later in their common room, and the Hufflepuffs were too quiet in character to want to interrupt the only time they could spend alone.
And there she was, a few hours from Hogwarts, but without Cedric by her side this time. She would have liked to say that she had never turned around to share a comment with the boy, but she would be lying to herself. She had even tried to squeeze her eyes shut, pinch herself to want to wake up and tell herself that it had all been a nightmare, and that the kind-eyed boy was sitting in front of her, with that soft smile.
But he wasn't there, and she had tried to assimilate it as soon as possible with great regret. In front of her was only Harry, who seemed even as distracted as she was but tried a little more to hide it, smiling slightly at a garrulous Ginny, who seemed not to notice the state of her two friends. Zara, for her part, had barely turned her head away from the window, scrutinizing the landscape that already had her bored, but was less depressing than what would happen in her head if she began to live reality.
There was no turning back: she was going back to the castle and her mind was turning too much to issues that might never materialize. She was going to become the center of attention, the best friend of the boy who had just died in strange circumstances, the tragic end of one of the Hogwarts champions would not go unnoticed, and neither would she. She was not prepared to face pitying looks, pitying comments and empty words of encouragement.
"—And then she said, 'you're not even dancing, you're just stepping on my feet ',"Ginny almost collapsed from laughing so hard.
Once again, Harry gave her a look with a slightly awkward smile. It was only when Zara felt the two pairs of eyes on her that she woke up from her lethargy and cleared her throat. "What are we talking about?"
The redhead's eyes went wide. "What do you mean? That's what you said when you were practicing for the Yule Ball with Ron! Are you even paying attention to me?"
"I had other things in mind," muttered the blonde bitterly, her hand massaging her own hair.
Nonetheless, Ginny seemed to hear Zara's remark. "I was just trying to keep your mind off just for a bit, I'm sorry..."
Harry's head moved from side to side as if it were a tennis match, not quite understanding what was happening.
"I don't need anyone to distract me. I'm perfectly fine, can't you see?" Zara finally exploded. After months of sparing those unnecessary arguments with her parents, now it was her friend's turn to carry her pent-up anger. "My best friend was murdered in this fucking place just months ago, I'll be forced to stand on all of the places he's been with me before, but this time I'm alone. Oh, and also I'm also stupid enough to be forced to take my OWLs again. I do not need a distraction, I— I need to be alone!"
Ginny looked at her one last time before leaving the compartment, her eyes heavy with helplessness and sadness at having been the target of her friend's rage. As soon as she realized what had happened, Zara put her hands on the bridge of her nose and sighed deeply. Harry looked at her as she sat down across from him again.
"I swear I'm never this bitter."
Harry nodded. "I know. I've played with you for years. You're not a sweetheart either, but I believe your intentions are good, "Zara shook her head when the boy said sweetheart.
"I just feel like lately everybody else around me is happy —happier than before. Ron's a prefect now, Ginny's got herself a boyfriend, Sirius is finally free, living his best life at home. I can't help but feel angry at life for making me so miserable."
"But are they? Happy, I mean. You only know what people tell you. Just because they seem happier than you doesn't mean they don't have problems of their own. I understand you feel pain and sorrow, but I don't think this is the best way to deal with it."
Zara looked at him intently. When had he become so wise? "I know. It's my fault, I didn't mean to snap at her. She doesn't deserve this. Wait for me while I look for her, will you?"
The green eyed boy nodded and called for her attention one last time. "Zara? I know I only met him for a year but— Cedric was a great boy. I'm sure he would've been proud of you, you know, coming back here again, I think it would've meant a lot to him."
The Gryffindor girl wanted to say something, but since she didn't know what to say without sounding strange, she preferred not to say anything and simply leave the small room. She knew Harry's intentions were good, that at no point did he want to broach a sensitive topic for her but, after months of trying to convince herself that she was okay, she finally realized that she was not.
Perhaps it had been the loneliness and isolation imposed by herself, spending the mornings, afternoons and nights thinking about things far from that topic, or the number of times she had lain in her bed staring at the ceiling, thinking about things far away, like if Cedric had suffered in his death, or what were the things he had felt during his journey through the maze of the last task.
She felt deeply guilty for not having been there to help him. They had told her countless times that Voldemort had killed him with the Killing Curse, that there was nothing she could have done to stop him —just die alongside Cedric. For weeks she thought that perhaps that would have been the best option, to stop her head from so much torture and from so much thinking that it was her fault and only hers.
She leaned against the wall of the train for a moment, which vibrated as it traveled on the rail, and when she opened her eyes Cho was looking at her with apparent confusion on her face. "Zara? Are you okay?"
The girl felt like everyone was asking her the same question lately, but she forced herself to nod. "Just resting, I was feeling dizzy before." Zara lied. She cleared her throat, uncomfortable that the moment when she had to confront Cho had finally come. "How are you, Cho?"
The truth was that she and Cho Chang weren't the best friends in the world. They weren't even friends, despite being the same age; Cho was in Ravenclaw and she was in Gryffindor, they had barely shared a few classes since their start at Hogwarts. Cho was a popular girl, everyone liked her, and she was always nice to others, and that's why Zara hadn't minded that someone like Cho dated her best friend. They got along just for it; if Cedric hadn't shown up, the two girls probably would have just waved at each other in the hallways.
And it wasn't that Cho was a bad girlfriend or adviser to Cedric, quite the contrary. It was just that Zara couldn't see a friend in Cho, because she thought they were very different. However, now that Cedric had been murdered, she understood that the young Ravenclaw was looking for some support in her boyfriend's best friend.
"I'm fine, really," Cho nodded, distraught. "It's still hard sometimes, but I like to think he would've wanted me to get through this, not being sad constantly. What about you? How was your summer?"
"Numb," was the first thing that came to Zara's head, so she said it. Cho frowned. "Painful. Faint. I barely remember what I did, to be honest. Everyday lying on my bed, trying to leave my mind blank, trying not to remember, not to think. And that's when I fell asleep, when all the memories came as nightmares." Zara realized that perhaps she was being too sincere when she saw Cho's face, and cleared her throat again, coming back to reality. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be this blunt. But, yeah, I guess when time passes we'll recover from this. Won't we?"
The Ravenclaw put her hand on her shoulder and gave her a pitying look. Zara had never felt so uncomfortable. "If you ever need to talk, please, let me know. We will get through this, we are strong." Cho sent her one last sad smile. "See you around, Zara."
Zara appreciated the Ravenclaw's gesture, but was even more grateful that she disappeared into the crowd and might be able to forget that conversation. She didn't want to sound selfish or unfriendly, but she didn't want to talk to Cho about Cedric. In fact, she didn't want to talk to anyone about the boy. Even if it meant that she kept everything to herself and would end up exploding.
Cedric wouldn't have wanted that, they used to repeat. But what did they know about Cedric? They did not know him: how did they know what the boy would have wanted or not? Every time she thought of him, that pressure in her chest returned: she was tired of realizing the reality, that Cedric was not there.
She crashed headlong into a large body, which made her have to lean on a metal bar to keep from falling. She found Pansy Parkinson's face in front of her, Crabbe and Goyle at her side as if she were the male version of Draco Malfoy —how would he have allowed his minions to leave his side?
"Looking for Cedric's ghost?"
Zara's nostrils puffed out the moment those words left the Slytherin's lips, who cracked a wicked smile as the two gorillas she had for friends laughed. She clenched her jaw, with no other desire than to be able to remove that disgusting smile from her face. But she breathed. Deeply. She couldn't get into trouble so fast, especially for someone like Pansy.
"Oh, wait. I had something for you around here," Zara answered. She pretended to look for something in her pockets, and when she captured Pansy's attention, she showed her her middle fingers. "There it is. I'm sorry I didn't laugh at your joke, I'm just too old for your shit. Go scare some first years with that face of yours."
"Your little friend's ghost at the Hufflepuff table will do, thanks."
Zara even dared a small smile; she knew that she had disarmed Pansy and nothing made her happier in that moment than showing her that her words did not affect her. She pushed her way between Crabbe and Goyle, who were staring at her, almost stunned. "Suck my —and I cannot stress this enough— dick."
She left, showing them her finger again. She let out a sigh that she had held in all that time, a mixture of triumphant and weary. She made her way to the closest seats she could find, while the four boys there looked at her in admiration for what she had just done.
"May I?" She said, signaling the window. The four of them nodded. So Zara opened it, she poked out the window and let out a scream. "Very nice of you, guys."
Aware of the fact that Pansy and her gang probably wouldn't bother her again for a while, she left with a relieved smile. She could almost tell that she was proud of herself: owning Pansy like that while she was talking all that shit. Grand.
"That was absolutely marvelous, my friend," Fred sentenced when he saw her appear in his car. "Ah, yeah, the door was open and you weren't exactly whispering."
"We quite enjoyed that, didn't we?" George added, high-fiving his twin.
"Have you seen Ginny? I left Harry all alone because I'm looking for her." Zara sighed, exhausted. "What? Don't look at me like that. You can't simply tear your eyes away from Harry, he'll get into trouble any minute now."
The twins looked at each other, but nodded at the logic of the Gryffindor's words. "In the other compartment, probably snogging Michael Corner."
"Ew."
"Ew indeed." Concluded George.
She could indeed make out Ginny's red hair through the glass of the next compartment. She brought her mouth to the window, soaking it in mist and drawing a heart with her fingers, a huge G inside. Michael watched her, startled, as Ginny tried to keep a straight face, a task that was especially difficult with the older Gryffindor.
"I'm afraid I'm going to steal her from you, Michael. My wife and I have some business to talk about."
"Um, sure." Was all the boy said, still surprised.
So Zara almost dragged Ginny out of Michael's ears. The redhead looked at her doubtfully.
"Look, I had the most awkward conversation in my life before I had the most passive-aggressive one and you weren't with me. Please, come back with me and Harry, we feel deeply alone without your joyous presence."
"Is this your way of saying sorry? Because you suck."
"No, this is my way of saying you don't deserve the way I treated you back then and it's not going to happen again. I'll bite off my tongue before I ever disrespect you, cross my heart."
Ginny couldn't take it anymore and let out a laugh. Zara smiled a little: what made her the happiest at that moment was being able to make people laugh. If she made them laugh, it made them a little happier, they forgot everything around them. With Ginny especially, she had known the girl since she was young, and having her by her side among so many boys had made their relationship deeply entrenched.
"Looks like we've already arrived."
And as it was, Zara took advantage of that time until the carriages to tell her best friend everything that had happened minutes before. Ginny, as much as she was, was surprised by her brief chat with Cho. She had never spoken to the Ravenclaw, but she knew as much as Zara that she and the girl would never be good friends. On the other hand, Ginny was shocked due to Pansy, willing to challenge her to a duel and beat her with her Bat-Bogey, but Zara described how she had handled the situation, and Ginny was proud of her, too.
They met Harry outside the train and he greeted them fervently. It wasn't that Ginny and Zara were his best friends, that place was occupied by Ron and Hermione, but seeing familiar faces in the crowd made him feel more like home. They walked together to the carriages, where they also found the two Gryffindor prefects with disheveled faces.
"Being with Malfoy all the time has been absolutely awful, mate," Ron said. "I was about to throw myself out the window."
One of the cars appeared shortly after, and Harry backed away, scared. "What's that thing?"
Zara frowned. "What do you mean?"
Harry, Ginny, Zara, Ron and Hermione got into the carriage, and they discovered that there was a sixth person there, a pale girl with blonde hair, almost white, who addressed Harry: "I can see them, too. You're just as sane as I am."
"Guys, this is Loony —Luna Lovegood." Hermione flushed as the nickname they had for the young Ravenclaw escaped her, judging by her blue garments.
Zara snorted under her breath, surprised by the absent-mindedness of the usually bright Hermione Granger, but she hid it when she saw Luna's eyes on her. "I'm very sorry about your friend Cedric, Zara."
How does she know my name?, that's what she wanted to say. Instead, she just answered a quiet "Thanks."
"I'm hungry," the Ravenclaw continued, her voice dreamy. "I hope there's pudding."
Zara squeezed the bridge of her nose secretly. "My goodness."