Louis's P.O.V
I knew I shouldn't have stormed off like that, but I'm just not ready, you know? Like, think of it as terms in a straight relationship. Think, the guy of the relationship wants the girl to have sex with him. She says, I'm not ready, but I might be in the future. However, the guy keeps asking. It's essentially the same thing. And that's what Harry was doing, he was pressuring me into doing something I didn't want to do. I mean, listen, I want to be with him, I really do. And I wouldn't mind the secret relationship, but I don't think that's enough for him.
Harry's P.O.V
I didn't even go to my locker, I couldn't look at him right now. I asked Lindsey if I could borrow her text book during class, she of course understood and let me. We were getting started on an assignment when Louis poked his smug little head through the door. "Hey, can I borrow Harry for a moment? It's for journalism class." I rolled my eyes, he better be joking.
"Very well. Harry, go on ahead." He excused me. I felt everyone's eyes on me as I shuffled out of the door.
"So, why do you need me? What am I doing for journalism class?"
"Wanna know a secret?" An eyebrow raised up. "I'm not in a journalism class."
"So why'd you pull me out of class?" I asked him.
"I dunno. To hang? I guess I just wanted an excuse to talk to you." He started to walk off, then turned around to look at me like he expected me just to follow him.
"Hold up," I stopped him. "You expect me, after all I went through after you left last night, just to follow you around like a little puppy dog? No, that's not how it works."
"Come on, I'm sorry for storming out, okay?" He turned around. "But, in my defense, you're pressuring me into something that I'm not comfortable doing. Okay? So let's just leave it, we were both at fault."
"You know what? No, I'm not leaving it. I'm going to talk to you about this, give you my side."
"Fine. Go ahead." He crossed his arms.
"I saw you on the first day of school and was stricken by your beauty. You had a letter man jacket on, and you were older. Basically forbidden fruit to me. However, I thought I'd get to tutor you. And that was so exciting. Then, you ditched me for a girl. That's when I remembered, oh yeah, basically no one's gay at all! Then, you kissed me after your football game and ignored me, and let me get teased. You were my first kiss, and my first love. Then, you lead me on by saying if I came out publicly that you'd think about it. Well, since I was so naive, I did it only to be greeted with nothing. And, here's where it gets better, you try to start a secret relationship with me, and I ask one simple question of, 'Why won't you come out? It's not a big deal.' And you storm off like I'd just insulted your family."
"Now, want to hear my side?"
"Sure," I said, slightly out of breath. Man, it felt good to get that off my chest.
"Well, here's my side. So, here I am, slightly confused about my sexuality, right? When, I see this little freshman when I bump into him on my way to my locker. I instantly fell for his curly locks and bright green piercing eyes. I knew I should try to keep a distance and see if I can't stop these weird feelings I have, then, he offers to help me in English. I accept, and realize how stupid I am for accepting. I try to play up that I'm straight by ditching for a girl. Guess what? That day, I went home and cried in the shower for an hour straight because I figured I was such a pathetic excuse for a human being. After that, I see him at my football game. I'm instantly overwhelmed with admiration for him, and catch him after the game. I take a leap of faith and kiss him, and I figure out that he's gay but not open because he was flustered, but kissed back. That's what I really needed to know, and I knew then that it'd be harder to shake the green-eyed boy from my mind. After that, I feel terrible after I figure out that I stole his first kiss and left him to fend for himself in this cruel world. I know I should've stepped up, but I'm a coward. I'm honestly terrified of being myself, because it's frowned upon so much. And why is that so wrong, for a guy to love another guy? If it doesn't hurt you, it doesn't concern you. That's my motto. But, I've seen what the jocks do to openly gay people. They torture them until their life is a living hell, I've told them to back off of you, which raised suspicions to me. I decided to try a secret relationship, and just when I think everything is going great you begin to pressure me to come out again, when I've already told you I'm not ready. And you just keep persisting, and that's why I stormed out. Is because if I do that my life could fall apart, and who knows? Maybe they'll bully me so much that I'll have to leave schools, and then I'll never get to be with you, because maybe I'd accidentally loathe you for ruining my life because I'm such a selfish and screwed up person that I blame other people for my mistakes and that's why I'm blaming you because I'm too damn scared to come out!" He yelled, slammed into a locker and sunk to the ground in tears.
I came and sat next to him. "Is that what's going on?"
"Yes. I'm too damn scared to come out, and I know I'm selfish, but I'm popular. I'm smart for the most part, and I think I could get into a good college especially with a sports scholarship. I just have to keep it up, and if I come out and I'm bullied I'll quit my sports teams which would ruin my chances of getting into a good college so I can support my family."
"Support your family?"
"My family has some..." he trailed off, "issues with money at the moment. I'm not ready to open up about that quite yet, but I promise I'll tell you some other time."
"You know, you don't have to come out. I'm sorry I pressured you-"
"No," he cut me off. "It's my fault. Weren't you listening? I'm so self-absorbed with my own ego I can't even take the tiniest risk to make my life so much better, and even worse, I'm blaming you for it. I really shouldn't be blaming you, I should be blaming myself. I'm such a coward, and you're so brave. I don't deserve your love."
"Are you f-ing kidding me?" I stood up and stared down at him as he looked up at me with vulnerable eyes. "You think that you don't deserve me? Look at me! I'm a mess, I was bullied so bad at my last school that I practically shut everything out of my life. I was a black hole. I did nothing. I said nothing. I just sat there, staring at the wall, recalling all the horrible things that are being said about me. Every now and then I'd cry, but nothing too bad. Except sometimes I'd get panic attacks where I'd throw stuff at the walls and scream my eyes out into my pillow, then sobbing for hours. Those happened once a week. I was brought to a therapist, but all they did was make me mad and want to throw stuff. So we stopped going. My parents live in constant fear that I'll start smashing vases around like I used to, they're so careful around me they treat me like I'm a bomb that's about to explode. On top of that, I'm clingy and over-dramatic about everything. I treat little problems like they could tear my life apart. I think like this because I know it has. And the only reason I'm telling you all this is because I actually trust you. It takes a lot for me to open up like this, so if you let me down, I'm never going to trust ever again and I'll probably go back to how I used to be. So it's your choice. But I want you to ask yourself one thing, Do I deserve you?"
"No," he stood up. "You don't deserve8 me."
"W-What?" My heart dropped. I knew I didn't, but the way he worded it made it sound like he was about to spout off all of my flaws, which I already know.
But then, his expression softened. "You don't deserve me at all. You deserve someone so much better. You deserve someone who will love you unconditionally in your best and worst times. I could do that, but I couldn't do it publicly. I could only do that in private, and you need someone who will love you everywhere you go, and show you off. I can't provide you with that at the moment, and you need someone else. So, I think it's best if we just break this thing we have off for now, okay? It's for the best."
"W-What? No, Louis, you can't leave me. I need you."
"No, Harry," he was firm. "You don't. You don't need me at all. You're so perfect, and I'm imperfect. You need someone who's perfect. That someone isn't me, while we like each other, you deserve more and I think we both know that. So it's for the best that we break this off, and you forget all about me, all right? Try to forget all the times I broke your heart to the point where it couldn't be mended, then mended it and broke it again. I'm all screwed up right now and this isn't a good time for me. You need someone who will give you the love and time you deserve." He started to walk away. Hot tears spilled down my cheeks.
"Louis, stop, please. Just hear me out." He didn't turn around, but he stopped walking away. "I love you. I don't need love publicly. I'm imperfect, and you are too. So why don't we just be imperfect together? And don't you think it means something, that even though you've broken me, fixed me, then broken me again that I still love you? You play this sick, twisting mind games, but I'm addicted to you. You're on my mind during everything I do. When I see a couple, I just wish that we could kiss, and hold hands like them. Not even publicly, for all I care you could ignore me at school but hug me when we get to my house or your house for our 'tutoring sessions.' Listen, I'm not telling you to secretly date me or anything, but I'm telling you that I still need you, and that I need you to know that I love you and I want nothing more than to see you smile at least once every day, because even if I was about to die, your smile would pull me off the edge, and that's what your smile did for me. You saved me, Louis. I love you."
"I love you too, Harry. Maybe I'll message you on Facebook tonight and we can talk more, okay? I don't want to make a big decision right now. It's not the time." And he left without another word.
I poured my heart and soul into this boy and he walked away. Why do I still love him? He's slowly ruining me, piece by piece.