Kabanata 10
Blame
"Anong ginagawa mo rito?"
Sa sobrang lapit ng mukha ko kay Ico ay nalalanghap ko na ang hanging binubuga niya. It was the kind of distance that could be a prelude to a kiss. Kumalampog ang puso ko kasi baka nga mangyari 'yon. Baka nga maghalikan kami.
"I want to apologize," he said.
My brows furrowed because he didn't even look sorry. Madilim pa rin ang tingin niya at kulang na lang nga'y pagalitan niya ulit ako. Tsk. Ganito ba siya humingi ng tawad? Parang ayaw ko siyang patawarin 'pag gan'tong siya pa ang galit!
"You don't look sincere."
He twisted his lips. "I am sincere."
"No you're not," I said and shook my head. "You look like you're only apologizing for yourself." Bumuntong-hininga ako't mataman siyang tinignan. "I want you to mean what you say, Ico. Kasi totoong na-offend mo ako kanina."
He shot up a brow. "You're so assertive. Do you know that?"
"What? And am I not supposed to be like that?"
"No," he promptly replied. "No. I like you like that."
"E ano pang hinihintay mo? Mag-sorry ka na ulit."
Umismid siya't bahagyang lumayo sa 'kin. Guminhawa ang pakiramdam ko nang nagka-distansya na sa pagitan namin. Being close to him wasn't this nerve-wracking before. Now my throat tightens and my heart skips a beat whenever he's near.
He licked his lower lip and took a deep breath as if apologizing to me was a matter of life and death. Noon pa man ay pansin ko nang hindi siya mahilig humingi ng pasensya. Why would he ever apologize, anyway?
He was Icarus Benavidos; the governor's son, an excellent med-student, and—this was putting it nicely—ball-gagging, cock-sucking, jaw-dropping sexy, rich, and beautiful of a human being! If there was anything that he should apologize for, it was for being that fucking gifted. Ang unfair! Sumusobra na talaga ang biyaya niya!
"I'm sorry, Sunny Vega," he lagged so that he could see my reaction. Blangko ko lamang siyang tinignan. "I wasn't my best self earlier because I was never a fan of the ranch nor any of our properties. And honestly, I also don't like your crowd."
Umawang ang labi ko. "Akala ko ba, magso-sorry ka?"
"Oo nga. Teka lang." He made a face. "I'm getting there, okay?"
"Then you better hurry because I don't have all the time in the world!"
I was lying, of course. Pumunta lang naman ako do'n para mag-relax at manghingi ng libreng alak mula kay Sextus. Speaking, I took a glance at him and his friends over Ico's shoulder and saw that he was intently watching us. Sumimsim siya sa rocks glass niya nang magtama ang mga mata namin at saka tipid na ngumisi. I glanced back at Ico when he continued.
"Nag-aalala lang ako sa 'yo kasi ang dami mong pinagkakaabalahan. I'm already offering you a shit-ton of money yet you're still working your ass off on your gimmicks when what you need to work on is being my girlfriend."
Nagsalubong ang kilay ko. "Nangarera lang ako, nagkulang na 'ko agad bilang girlfriend mo?"
"You're making me worry." He frowned. "If you're a good girlfriend, you won't do that to your boyfriend."
I crossed my arms over my chest and leered at him. "Well, excuse me, but I'm allowed to do what the hell I want to do. Labas ka na do'n!"
"You're doing barrel racing at eighteen, Sunny. Alam mo ba kung anong mga aksidente ang pwedeng mangyari sa 'yo habang nangangarera ka?" tumaas ang boses niya. "The last thing I want is you being rushed in the hospital because you broke your limbs in doing 'what the hell you wanted to do'."
"Then that's on me!" I defended. "Why do you care so much, anyway? Wala namang tayo!"
Ilang segundo kaming nagkatitigan at parehong nagulat sa sinabi ko. Kung tutuusi'y wala namang nakakabigla do'n dahil 'yon ang totoo. The thing was, we were acting as if we were in a real relationship even though we weren't! Talagang nag-LQ kami sa swimming pool? That's so... in a relationship of us.
"You're right," he said in a cold tone now. Nilihis niya ang tingin niya sa 'kin. "I'm sorry. I think I just crossed a line."
Napakurap-kurap ako. "I-ico... Naiintindihan naman kita. But sometimes you're just overbearing, you know? I'm used to this life and you can't change that."
"I know... You'll always be untamed, Sunny," he stared back at me, "and sometimes I hope you aren't."
I scoffed inwardly. What was he trying to say? Una pa lang ay alam niya nang ganito ako, 'di ba? This was what he signed up for when he asked me to be his pretend girlfriend! At kung nagsisisi na siya ngayon, aba'y wala siyang choice! He would need to suck this up!
"Do you want some drinks?" he asked now. Nananantya niya 'kong tinignan. "It's on me."
Pinanliitan ko siya ng mga mata. "Is this still your way of saying sorry?"
"Maybe."
"Okay." Libre raw, e. "Basta hindi soft drinks."
He grinned. "Alright. I'll get you a milkshake then."
"Ico!" angal kong tinawanan niya lang. "Tsk! Sasama na nga ako't baka mang-budol ka na naman!"
"Whatever you say, Sunny."
Una siyang tumakas sa swimming pool. Nang nasa taas na'y nilaharan niya ako ng kamay para tulungang makatakas na rin. Pinasadahan niya muna ng tingin ang swimsuit ko bago naglakad patungong bar counter. Pakiramdam ko talaga'y may crush 'to sa 'kin, e. He's always checking me out!
Bahagya akong naalibadbaran dahil ramdam ko ang titig ng grupo nina Sextus habang umo-order si Ico. Nasa tabi lang ng bar counter ang table nila kaya 'di ko na sila kailangang lingunin para malamang pinagpipyestahan nila ako. I hugged my body with my arms and sighed. I just hoped they wouldn't create any inconvenience. Wala ako sa mood!
Nilingon ako ni Ico kaya napaayos ako ng tayo. "They don't have a milkshake."
"Edi bilhan mo ako ng iba. What about tequil—"
"One mango shake please," he told the bartender.
Nakasimangot akong humalukipkip. Sa gilid ng mga mata ko ay napansin ko ang tawanan mula sa grupo nina Sextus. An ex-fling of mine whose name I'd forgotten was holding and angling a phone toward me. Umalsa agad ang dugo ko dahil alam kong vine-videohan nila ako.
"Mango shake, amputa," rinig kong sambit no'ng isa.
"Pa-virgin ata, pre."
Sextus gagged. "Shut up. You know she really is."
Kinalma ako ang sarili ko at tinalikuran sila. My face twisted in annoyance when instead of shutting up because I wasn't facing them anymore, the mocks and laughs from them even intensified. Nilingon ko sila at saktong nag-flash ang cellphone no'ng lalaking kinukunan ako ng litrato. My eyes widened when I realized that they were zooming in on my butt!
Kumuyom ang panga ko. Funny how men who make fun of liberated women are usually the ones asking for leaked nude photos. This time wasn't that different. They even took it upon themselves to take a photo of me!
Sa nagngingitngit na galit ay naglakad ako patungo sa lamesa nila. Handa ko na sanang sampalin 'yong gagong nanguha ng litrato nang mapatigil ako dahil humandusay na siya bago pa ako makalapit. Nasapo ko ang labi ko nang makita ang nagtataas-babang likod ni Ico. His hands were balled into fists and his breathing was ragged. Ngayon ko lang siya nakitang gano'n kagalit.
"Ico!" I yelled when everything dawned on me.
Lumapit ako sa kaniya at saka hinawakan ang balikat niya. I tried to pull him away but he wouldn't budge. His eyes were solely focused on the jackass as he firmly gripped him by his collar. If a stare could kill, the guy must've been dead by now.
"Dude, what the fuck?" Sextus exclaimed. He looked down at their now messed up table. Nagkalat ang iba't-ibang klaseng inumin doon. Sinipat niya ako. "Get him outta here, Sunny."
Nagsalubong ang kilay ko't napabitaw kay Ico. "Excuse me?"
"I said, get him outta—"
"Tangina mo rin, e 'no?" utas ko. I shook my head in disbelief. "I treated you as a friend, Sextus! Tapos 'di mo man lang ako mapagtanggol sa mga barkada mong 'to?"
"They were just joking! Parang 'di ka na nasanay!"
Another guy on their table nodded. "Besides, why are you even offended? Para namang karespe-respeto ka e kahit sinong lalaki nga, pinapatulan mo."
I couldn't believe it! Umiiling-iling akong nagpakawala ng matalim na hininga. I was about to give them another blow when Ico let go of the pervert's collar. Kumalampog ang pagbagsak niya sa kongkreto na siyang mas umagaw ng atensyon ng lahat.
My heart raced when a few bouncers walked toward us. Imbes na balingan ng atensyon ang barkada ni Sextus ay si Ico na lang ang pinuntahan ko't pinakalma. He wasn't looking at me but neither was he shoving my hands away from his shoulders.
"Leave," he said while looking at Sextus.
Namilog ang mga mata niya. "Dude, we paid—"
"I don't care. Anyone who disrespects my girlfriend isn't allowed to step on any of my properties."
Bigo akong tinignan ni Sextus bago siya padabog na tumalikod at umalis. The bouncers accompanied his remaining friends. Ilang minuto pa ang lumipas bago tuluyang kumalma ang lahat ng tao sa pool area. Nakatayo pa rin kami roon ni Ico at hindi makatingin sa isa't-isa kahit humupa naman na ang tensyon.
"Thanks," I muttered as my eyes slid down to his swollen fist, "but you didn't need to do that. Kaya ko naman ang sarili ko."
Nilingon niya 'ko sa bahagyang galit pa ring mga mata. "Why are you still friends with Sextus when he's a fucking asshole?"
Nagtagal ang nananantya kong tingin sa kaniya. We were now standing by the pool, away from everyone else who, for some reason, crowded at the other side. They probably didn't want to go near us because Ico was radiating this scary aura. Kahit ako'y natatakot sa kaniya pero pinapatatag ko lang ang sarili ko.
I lifted a dry smile. "This is the part where you don't victim blame me, Ico. Hindi ko kasalanang gago sila."
"That's the thing," aniya't hinarap ako ng maayos. He took a deep breath and calmed himself. "Alam mong gago sila pero nakikipag-kaibigan ka pa rin. You could've prevented this."
"How could I prevent this? Bakit, ako ba ang kumukontrol ng mga utak nila? Really, Ico? You're seriously blaming me right now?"
"I'm not—"
"You are!" Nanunugat ko siyang tinignan. "Kung gan'tong sisisihin mo lang pala ako, sana hindi mo na lang ako tinulungan! I'm not a princess! And I'm obviously not your puppet!"
He sighed and massaged the rim of his nose. "This is why I told you that we should go home. Pero anong ginawa mo? Pumunta ka pa rin dito." A humorless smirk flashed across his face. "If I didn't come here, they could've done worse."
Umiling-iling ako. "I don't believe that you're not blaming me because that's exactly what you're making me feel right now."
"You have to accept that there are times that you're wrong." He licked his lower lip and stared at me through eyes glinted with frustration. "This is one of those, Sunny. If you listened to me, then this wouldn't have been a problem."
Tila tinarakan ng punyal ang puso ko nang sabihin niya 'yon. Sa lahat ng tao, siya ang inasahan kong magiging rasyunal sa ganitong mga sitwasyon. But then I guess my hopes for him were too high and his view of me was too low.
"You know what the problem is, Ico?" I asked sarcastically. "It's men like you who want women to be assertive but get mad at them when they do."
Dismayado ko siyang tinignan bago nilampasan. I'd like to make myself believe that he regretted saying those but I knew he didn't. He was always precise and true to his words. He showed it when he was mad and expressed it when he was concerned. This one was in the middle.
Pero kahit gano'n at kahit naiintindihan ko siya, hindi maiaalis no'n na nasaktan niya ulit ako. Why was he like that? Couldn't he have chosen better words? Couldn't he have empathized with me? He had a point and yes, I did stay in the pool area despite getting red flags from Sextus and his friends but it's not as if I could control their actions!
What's new though? It's always been like this. Kasalanan ko kasi malandi ako. Kasalanan ko kasi babae ako at dapat, alam ko kung kalian lalayo at kung kalian mananatili. I lived in a world where women always needed to be the one to adjust. Ang malungkot lang, akala ko'y iba si Ico. I thought he'd act differently... but I guess, men will always be men.
"I'm sorry."
Napatalon ako sa kinatatayuan ko nang marinig ang boses ni Sextus sa gilid ko. I was at the porch of the country club, silently watching expensive cars as they drove before me. Maga-alas siyete na ng gabi at kanina pa ako nandito, nagmumuni at nagpapahangin. I thought Ico would look for me but he didn't.
Umakto akong bingi sa sinabi ni Sextus at nanatiling nakatingin sa harap. Nakapagbihis na ako ng simpleng puting summer dress pero dahil malakas ang ihip ng hangin ay nilamig pa rin ako. Niyakap ko ang sarili ko at ilang sandali pa'y naramdaman ko ang pagpatong ng jacket ni Sextus sa likod ko. I scoffed. Ano 'to, act of fogiveness?
"Your boyfriend's still held by the management. He wanted me to leave the place but I've already rented the club so he couldn't do anything. Lalo na't 'di naman talaga siya ang nagmamay-ari ng country club na 'to."
Umirap ako. "'Di pa ngayon."
"Nope." He shook his head. "I heard he gave up his ownership with anything that his father owns. Guess Montogomery's getting all the loot, then."
"He doesn't need his father's money, anyway. Kaya niyang umangat mag-isa."
"You patronize him too much, huh?"
It was only until then that I realized how I really did... patronize Ico too much. Ewan ko kung bakit. Hindi naman siya perpekto at matalas din ang dila niya. He could use some changes and character development from here and there but nonetheless, he was honestly worth patronizing.
"Cool shit," I whispered to myself when a car passed us by.
"Yeah, cool shit." Nilingon ko si Sextus nang sabihin niya 'yon. He grinned. "That was a 1975 300D, right?"
I nodded in astonishment. "The most perfect Mercedes ever."
"Not until you see a 1967 280SE."
"Cabriolet or Coupe?"
"The coupe," he shot up a brow, "an all-time classic."
Binalot kami ng katahimikan. Totoong gago si Sextus pero hindi ko rin siya kayang putulin sa buhay ko dahil siya ang nagturo sa 'king mag-drive at mangarera. It might be a shallow reason given all the bad that's happened but when I thought of it, he was actually the one who instilled a dream in me.
Alam ko namang imposibleng maging racer nga ako pero sa tuwing kasama ko siya, para bang pwede ko 'yong maabot. O baka gano'n lang 'yon dahil mayaman siya. It's so easy for him to become whoever he wanted to be meanwhile there's me who needed to lower herself to get by.
Bigla niyang inabot ang kamay ko. "Pasensya na kanina, Sunny. Alam mo namang nagiging gago ako kapag lasing, 'di ba?"
"Hindi 'yan sapat na rason para bastusin niyo ako." Inagaw ko ang kamay ko bago siya mariing tinignan. "I thought you changed."
"I thought so too... Pero no'ng nalaman ko kaninang may boyfriend ka na, nawala lahat." Namungay ang mga mata niya. "Alam kong hanggang kaibigan lang ako pero gustong-gusto pa rin talaga kita."
"We're over, Sextus!" I exclaimed. Was he for real? "We were flings and you know that that's just a one-time thing, right?"
Tumango siya. "Alam ko. And I swear, I tried to villainize you in my head. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, malandi ka lang talaga. Bayaran. Gold-digger."
Humakbang ako palayo dahil sa mga sinabi niya. Ilang beses ko na 'yong narinig pero hindi 'tong harap-harapan at galing pa sa isang kaibigan. He wasn't a saint but I thought he respected me enough not to think of me that way.
Kinabahan ako nang lapitan niya ako't hawakan ang magkabilang balikat ko. I tried to shove him away but he was too strong.
"I tried to hate you, but I can't because I know you're more than what people say. You're kind-hearted, hard-working, independent. And I just... like you so much."
"I have a boyfriend!"
"No you don't," he stated ruthlessly. "I confronted Ico earlier... Ang sabi niya, nagpapanggap lang daw kayo at binabayaran ka lang niyang maging girlfriend niya." Seryoso ngunit nanunuyo niya 'kong tinignan. "Can you do the same for me? After him, can we be together, too?"
Ico said what?
Natulala ako dahil sa pagkabigla ngunit bago ko pa 'yon tuluyang mapag-isipan ay naramdaman ko na ang labi ni Sextus sa labi ko. He was kissing me and I was standing there, letting him do so.