It's been a few days since I last saw Faith. I didn't mean to skip out on going to the cemetery but a few days ago, while I was up late playing video games...there she was, Beth. I hadn't seen her for six months then, all of a sudden, she was jogging around the neighborhood. She was just as beautiful as she was the day I told her not to come back. Her hair was still blue but it was shorter than before. I didn't mean to gawk at her but the way that the moon glistened almost as if she was reflective, I was mesmerized. It could've been the only chance I had to see her again and I couldn't waste it. So I paused my game, and rushed to my porch to wait for her to circle around again...only she didn't.
I waited for a few minutes and she didn't pass my house again. I decided to take one lap and noticed the light in her house was on. I stood outside, mulling over whether or not I wanted to knock on the door. I hadn't seen or spoken to her in 6 months...what if she hated me? But, the nagging feeling of "now or never" wouldn't leave me alone and in the end, I knocked. I waited for a little bit, leveling my breathing and hoping she would answer. After a second, I saw her peak through her curtains at me with wide eyes. I waited for a little while more and, except for the unevenness of my breathing there was only silence. I decided to cut my losses and walked down the steps of her porch when I heard the clicks and creeks of her door opening. She peeked through, staring at me, not saying a word. Again, I was mesmerized but the beauty could not conceal the sadness in her eyes.
"Hey Ethan." she said quietly and it pained my heart so bad, that I considered going back home.
"Hey..." I responded. The air was tense and awkward.
"How have you been these days?" she asked.
"Good, well, better."
"That's good." she said with a nod. I was agonizingly stiff.
"Where have you been? I uhh haven't really seen you lately."
"Oh uhm yeah...I've been in Germany. I got to study there for a few months."
"Thats awesome! How come you didn't tell me?"
"Oh well I meant to but...well..." she trailed off and I knew immediately why she didn't tell me.
"I'm sorr-"
"I'm sorry Ethan. I just got back and I'm kinda tired, can we talk another time maybe?" she asked. She smiled but I could see straight through it, she wasn't going to see me again.
"How about tomorrow?" I asked.
"I don't know..."
"Please? I'm busy for the rest of the week and I would really like to catch up." I felt silly and desperate but I had already come this far, there was no point in backing down now.
"I, well..." she started. Her eyes met mine for a moment and for that moment, I felt a pull in my heartstrings, then she looked away.
"Okay, tomorrow works. Just, not too early ok?"
"Yeah." I responded. She gave me a small smile and wished me a goodnight before closing the door. I made my way back home feeling both relieved and anxious.
Then the exhaustion struck and I passed out on my bed.
As I slept, my dreams were filled with memories from when Beth and I were together. So happy at first, but then disaster struck hard. Once I had lost them, I had gone down a hole...a really deep and dark one. All of a sudden, life wasn't worth living. Mom and Beth tried to comfort me...in fact, everyone was trying to comfort me and yet, it all seemed so meaningless. I was less than sad. I was less than angry. At this point, I was just numb. So, I went home and grabbed the Benedryl from my mom's medicine cabinet. At first I just wanted to go to sleep but then I just kept taking them.
3, 4, 5...10, 11, 12...19, 20, 21...until the box was empty, and I waited to go into a peaceful sleep. Except that's not what happened. Instead, the drowsier I became, the faster my heart started beating. I became riddled with what felt like anxiety. My mouth went dry and I stumbled to the fridge to get some water. When I saw myself in the reflection of the fridge, it looked as though I didn't have any eyes. Instead, there were two big black sockets where my eyes should've been.
"You fucked up Ethan." said a voice that I recognized as my sister.
"How could you do this to me?" asked my mom crying, only I don't remember either of them coming home. My anxiety was through the roof and my body was shaking in fear. My world was filled with shadows and my body refused to move from the kitchen when suddenly, a bright light forced its way through the darkness. That's when my legs gave out and I fell to the floor.
I woke up in the hospital with my mom sleeping in the chair next to me. I felt weak, hungover, and confused as to how I got there.
"M-mom?" I say, my voice sounds hoarse and my throat is dry. She stirs awake and rushes over to hug me.
"Oh Ethan. My son! My handsome boy! I thought I would never speak to you again." she cried.
"What's going on?" I asked but she didn't answer. It was almost as if she couldn't answer, she only continued hugging me like she was never going to see me again. Only when the doctor comes in do I understand what I had done.
"I tried to kill myself..." I said to myself.
"And I've been asleep for a few days."
"Your head also took a bit of a beating during the seizure and you did quite a lot of damage to your liver. I'm afraid that means you should avoid any alcoholic beverages and only take medications if it's absolutely necessary. Even with taking all the necessary precautions we still may have to do surgery in the future." said the doctor.
"Thank you, Doctor." said my mom. I was just laying in shock while trying to recall what had happened.
"Right, I'll leave you two alone for a little while. Let me know if you need anything." he said with a nod, then he was out the door. My mom and I talked for a little while before she needed to go into work. While she was gone, I was visited by my sister and by my band mates and nobody neglected to tell me how worried Beth was. The one person that I didn't expect to see was Beth's brother, Jason.
"Hey Jay." I said casually.
"Hey." he said back.
"What brings you here?"
"I got the call that you woke up but it's the first time that my sister's slept in days so yeah..." Jason sat in the chair that most of my visitors have sat in today.
"Look Ethan, I'm gonna be straight with you ok? You're a nice guy and all and I'm glad that my sister made friends and that you're okay, but I need you to consider breaking up with her."
"What?" I asked.
"I know. But you gotta think about what's best for her, ok? She lost her best friend, her band mate, and now she's gotta be worried about losing her boyfriend too. That's not fair to her or to anybody." his eyes never left mine as he spoke.
"I know you like her a lot and trust me she likes you too but that's the problem. Like I said, she hasn't slept right in days and she's not going to be the one to break up with you. Beth deserves better than that, don't you think?" The words stung as he said them.
"If I dump her, she'll hate me."
"That's a really selfish way to think."
"Why do you want us to break up so badly?" I asked.
"I'm just looking out for my sister. She's already been through more than she needs to. Just give her a break dude." Jason looks more irritated with every word he says.
"But I-"
"You need to fix yourself before you can date people. That's like the first thing they teach you about dating." he throws me an irritated sigh.
"You'll see it when she comes in to see you. Then you'll make up your mind." He presses his lips together making his mouth thinner.
"I'm honestly not trying to be an ass. I get that it's been rough but I can't just sit and watch her deteriorate every day. You and her get drunk or high every other night. Now she's throwing up, not sleeping, not eating. It's breaking our parent's hearts and I hate seeing everyone get torn apart like that. So if you decide not to let her go, just think about how much pain she's going to go through seeing you suffer like this...and I'll never forgive you for doing that to her." and with that, he left me alone with my thoughts.
All of a sudden, the hospital felt cold and lonely. The day dragged on to the point where I thought maybe time had stopped. Nurses came in periodically to make sure I was still alive and eventually I got lunch. The TV was on but I didn't care about what was playing. Seeing Beth was supposed to be an exciting day and yet, my chest is full of dread. By 6:00pm I thought maybe she wasn't going to come after all and maybe I wouldn't have to see her in whatever state she was in. A pang of guilt hit me like a brick for thinking that way.
"Hey Ethan" she said in her soft voice. I turned to face her and my heart broke when I looked. She smiled brightly but I could see through that smile, it was pain. She had makeup on but makeup can only cover so much of the bags under her eyes. Her hair was up in a bun and she was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. In my mind, it was an obvious sign of oversleep due to exhaustion. Jason was right, I was killing her. She came over to hug me tightly.
"I thought I would never see you again." she said in a broken up voice.
"I have a lot that I need to tell you. I found out-"
"Beth, you look like you haven't slept in weeks." I said. She pulled back and looked both hurt and confused.
"Well I guess that's one way to greet me."
"Why haven't you been sleeping?"
"I've been sleeping fine, I don't know what you're talking about." she said defensively.
"You can't hide it from me, just look at you."
"You're being really fuckin rude Ethan." she shot back.
"Look Beth, I'm sorry but, I don't want you to be up all night worried about me anymore. It's not worth it."
"It's not bad that I'm worried. You tried to kill yourself Ethan. I want to help you."
"Honestly? I have to fix myself before I can be in a relationship with you."
"What are you saying?" she asked. Her expression killed me inside.
"They were important to me Beth. I can't just let it go and be happy and you deserve someone who will be happy with you."
"Y-you're not happy being with me?" I could see her eyes welling with tears.
"I loved them too, y'know! This hasn't been easy for me either!"
"I'm sorry..." was all I could muster myself to say.
"Why are you being like this?" she asked. With every word, I hurt more and more.
"We need to break up Beth. Please, don't come here again."
"Ethan-"
"It's what's best for you and both of us." she sat, looking at me. Her expression went from sad, to sour, to anger.
"Fine. If you feel that strongly about going through this on your own then I'll just go." and she did just that, she left.
The sun peeked through the blinds and I woke up with wetness from my eyes and pillow. I guessed that seeing Beth had triggered my brain to remind me of that night. I shuddered at the memory and how awful I had been. When I think back to that night, she hadn't actually looked as bad as I made myself believe. I convinced myself that she was killing herself over me when really, she had been going through just as much as I was and I pushed her away. But today was going to be the day that I apologize. The clock read 11:30am so I decided to start getting ready to meet up with her at noon; It would be a perfect excuse to take her to lunch. When I got to her house, it took her a while to answer the door. When the door opened, she looked shocked to see me.
"Ethan" she said, dragging out the ending and flashing me a smile.
"Hey" I responded.
"I didn't realize you were coming yet. Why didn't you text me?" she asked.
"I uhh, didn't know if you had the same number."
"Yeah. It's the same number."
"Oh well, I also kinda deleted it.." she looked at me like she had been caught even though I was the one who just admitted to getting rid of her number.
"Right, well hey, I'm not really ready yet. Can you just wait at your house and I'll be right over ok?"
"Yeah. Sure." I said. She smiled at me and closed her door but as I walked back home, I thought about how suspicious she was acting. Ever since we met, I could see right through her fake smiles. I spent around 20 minutes thinking about all the reasons that she could've been acting the way she was and in the end, I decided it must've been because, in the end, she doesn't know me anymore. Maybe she was having second thoughts about reopening wounds that she might've already closed up. My suspicions were confirmed when my phone pinged and I received a text from a phone number that wasn't saved into my phone. It read:
"Hey, I'm sorry but today isn't going to work out. Can we reschedule please?"